The Pandemic, Productivity, and Change (original) (raw)

69 days ago (on march 4th) i started keeping track of my temperature
initially it was because my daughter had been sick and i was worried i'd catch whatever she had
my temp kept coming up as 99+/-, never much higher than 100 but never much lower than 99-even
i switched thermometers, i updated all our batteries
i made my husband buy me my own thermometer
my temperature hasnt changed, 99+/- is my new normal
some days it gets up to 100.5 and i get worried
(but i'm *still* paying off the cost of my daughter's last visit to the urgent care to test for flu
so i'm reluctant to seek medical care, i dont need any more medical debt and i doubt they could answer my questions)

By my reckoning it's day 59 of our social distancing/self-quarantine.
i started working from home on March 13th and just never went back
i can count on one hand the number of physical locations i've personally been to,
where i actually got out of the car and interacted with someone.

on day 18 of this whole thing, i was furloughed.
i hate that the matter of my employment is of such momentous importance that it gets it own anniversary.
your worth is not measured by your productivity.
your productivity is not your worth.
i repeat these like a mantra.
i'd been chanting them for months before the epidemic swept us up.
i'd been agitating for rights among my fellow workers before we all got separated.
even throwing around the word union in that half-joking, i'm serious if you're serious kind of way.
(it's a dangerous thing to talk about in Georgia, we're a right-to-work state and that kind of talk can get you fired.)
but subtly stirring the pot, pointing out inequalities, injustices, corporate waste
and always, always pointing out every single uplifting thing i could think of
your job is not your self

i am lucky, i am so very very privileged, to have options.
so instead of trying to put food on the table, instead of worrying about my mortgage

i can think about things like how Carda, my maiden name, means "someone who cards" a reference to a job
the person who pulls burrs and dross from wool
and then i got married and became an Eros, the intimate love between two people, someone who loves
perhaps not another job reference?
My mother was a Green, someone who kept the greens and tended the earth
but her mother was a Bottenfield - that's a place name, not a job

there's something fruitful in that line of thinking
last names, surnames, are a relatively recent social invention
i think it's interesting that so many of them refer to a job
i think it's interesting when they pointedly dont refer to a job

last night i couldn't sleep at all, (except i did, eventually)
i'd broken my moratorium on drinking and had a double Cuba Libre
i didnt take any melatonin before bed because i was still drunk when i tried to go to sleep
before sweet Morpheus could whisk me off to dreamland
(and the staggeringly bizarre dreams we've all been having lately)
i lay awake for hours worrying about the developing rash on my hands
and the on-going elevated temperature i've had since March 4th
about the symptoms and diagnostics and judgments
who has value, who can get a test, who deserves to be cared for and what do you have to do?
what justifies your existence
none of us asked to be here, this wasn't a choice we made

earlier this week, i spent 45 minutes on a video call with my father
justifying why it was okay that i took money out of my retirement account
(i have a retirement account! i have something that the majority of my generation and the majority of america does not have)
having been furloughed, 33 million people out of work, and my parents genuinely think i should be looking for another job
they genuinely believe that there's nothing stopping me from finding other work save for laziness and a pessimistic attitude
i am constantly fighting the mental gaslighting i conduct against myself on their behalf
they raised me to think this way, they trained me to value myself based on my productivity
do you know how i finally talked him around to no longer thinking i needed to look for work?
i finally had to spin the lie that i had become (by choice) a stay-at-home mom.
(i wont get into the loaded concept of motherhood as an unpaid lifetime labor, seldom acknowledged and rarely rewarded,
i think you can easily see that my own relationship with motherhood is very complicated)
it was not the stark reality that childcare is basically non-existent right now, and that what you can find puts your whole family at risk
not that school is being conducted remotely and we're one of the lucky families to have internet and a device to do school on
it was that somehow i decided, all on my own, that i wanted to switch "careers" and become a stay at home mom
suddenly my decision not to look for work was okay
his countenance changed from mostly frowns to mostly smiles, he was pleased i'd embraced this more traditional role
he laughed and joked that he bet i didn't know i'd like this so much, what a fortunate thing to happen
now i can travel more! think of all the places i can go with my daughter since i'm not working!
think of all the enrichment i can provide her now that she is my sole focus!
it makes sense that my husband should support me, is he looking for better work?
why should you have to take money from your savings, cant he support you?
if your house is too expensive, maybe you should sell and look for a cheaper living situation?
that is, if your husband cant find a better paying job...

my dad, advocating that my husband look for better work in the middle of a pandemic and 33 million unemployed people
my dad advocating that we move house in the middle of a pandemic
wanting to know if we'd move out to Arizona to be closer to him and my mom
not because they'd help us care for our child, they've never offered childcare
in all of the conversations and arguments, all the gaslighting and victim-blaming
my parents have never offered, never even hinted, that they could help us with either money or childcare

you know who did? my grandmother.
the only person in my family who heard i was furloughed and on a shoe-string budget and trapped at home due to childcare
and asked if she could send me money, actually put it into words
not thoughts and prayers (my parents have prayed for me endlessly), not positive-thinking, not hopeful aphorisms
and she hasn't presented some kind of sally-sunshine polly-anna perspective about how things really are
and she doesn't think this will all be over soon
dont get me wrong, my grandma is republican as the day is long and she carries with her all that implies
but i think she remembers, maybe just a little, what growing up in the depression was like
maybe she remembers that sometimes you just cant find work
it's not because you arent looking, it's because there's nothing for you

but amid all of this meditation is this terrible privilege
that i can sit here, chose to sit here, chose to stay inside, and still have a roof and a pantry and utilities.
i said to my father, "this is something money can solve, there's plenty it cant solve, but it can solve this,
i can solve this problem with money. so why shouldn't i?"
the rainy day is here. what was i saving for?
how much worse does it need to be before i can seek help and not be judged?
we see this again and again - i dont need therapy because i'm high functioning
i dont need RXmedication because i can manage my pain with yoga and meditation and aleeve
i dont get to complain about not having a job because 33 million other people have also lost theirs and it could ALWAYS be worse.

no, i'm going to care for myself.

(you put the mask on yourself and then you help others put their masks on,<
you dont refuse to put your mask on, you dont refuse to help the person next to you,
the plane is going down, we might all die, should the last moments of your life be selfish ones?)
i have the means, the privledge to pay to keep myself from foreclosure and starvation, so i'm going to use it
i'm going to put that money towards charities and organizations that help keep others from the same
and i'm going to ask, everyone should be asking, we should be shouting, we should be chanting,&
what do the people of the earth need to do in order to be worth helping?
(these are rhetorical questions, my loves)
why should we suffer in order to be worthy? why should we work in order to have self and worth?
why are so many named for jobs? why arent so many named for values?
it's our society, our community, our state, our nation, our people, our single planet
it's ours, what OTHER rainy day were we saving for?
money can solve this, we have the money, we should give it to everyone
we should give everyone food, and shelter, and clothing, and childcare, and medical care, and freedom
we deserve these things because they are within our collective possession to give and because we are here
we are here, and these things are ours.