Transformation By Fire (original) (raw)
Just a heads up, this blog is for myself. Not for you. I do not write or post for your health. I share as a way to help myself and help others. To relieve my stress...so...things that are posted here may offend your delicate senses. What and who I like, will be posted in this blog in whatever way I see fit.
There MAY BE some Adult Content.
It was after the death of my son Connor that my life really began to change. There was a vacancy, a pocket of silence in the house that no amount of noise could fill. But it wasn’t an eerie silence, just a void. About a month or two after we lost him, reality began to slowly creep into my life. I had been so focused on the things I was doing and the nine to five work week I had that I never stopped to look around me. Connor’s death really shattered my bubble and made me stop for a moment.
My job as a Pawn Broker, was never hard. It was always the six day work week and the unqualified manager that caused issues. Never the customers or the work its self. Only when I had nothing to distract me, when I had no way to escape from the drudge of real life did I began to see what was happening. You see, I am an artist. Now, I am no one great but I am getting there. My focus is redirected, my goals are realigned…everything has been tossed off the shelves and I am left to put them back. The universe or God, if you will, has given me no choice in the matter. When Connor was alive I had the choice to work, come home, eat dinner and then do absolutely nothing. To complete no goal or strive for something greater.
With the absence of my son, I began to look around me. Sure, I did not have a problem paying my bills but I did want to pay off my debts. I became tired of driving an hour to work and an hour home. I wanted more time at home to spend with what little family I had left. At some point, not a large pocket of time, I realized that I was unhappy. Without Connor to be my driving goal for dealing with my mundane job, everything around me, I realized, was plain crap. I had no insurance, I had hardly any time at home and I did not want to retire from this company. There was no retirement or 401k plan to be had. No room for creativity and the town I worked in, was mainly (and you’ll pardon my french) white trash. The customer base I dealt with would drink a majority of their paycheck away or spend it on drugs. They were happy to live in roach infested trailers and filth. I thought to myself “do I want to put up with this the rest of my life?”
On a Sunday afternoon (after a weekend of being sick), I sat down with my computer, a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes. Sitting outside in the garage with the door open helped me to think. It was then I realized that I wanted a career in the art field, that I had let my passion die and my love for the creative disappear. How? How did I allow that to happen? It wasn’t Connor’s fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault…except for mine.
So hell bent on being accepted and learning to connect with people (coupled with awful social anxiety), I had delved into the world of Social Media. It was on my computer, on my phone, checked hourly. In the few years of being involved with it, I had become so enamored with it that I failed to see what was happening to me. I denied that it would have an effect on me in any way. But it had…
Having become zombified by the mass of instant gratification applications, I never stopped to realize what it was doing to me as an artist. Here’s where the title of this article makes sense. Social media, gives that instant high, the pat on the back, the immediate acceptance and approval of peers we have never even met. You become so addicted to these elements that you strive for more attention and approval. It’s a sickness you will never see taking over and once it has you, the cure is painful. The cure means stepping away from these things, the noise, the crowd and doing things on your own. It means solitude. In our busy, noisy world, it’s hard to imagine a room without video, audio or the ping of a social media app.
Artists…if you haven’t drifted off to sleep by now…I need to tell you something. You too will become so addicted to having your peers (who may or may not have any artistic experience) that your art will suffer. “Having the public observing your every step makes you less prone to risk. If there's a chance you may lose, it's better not to play at all and to pretend you could win, if you wanted. You miss an opportunity to learn something by losing, just because you don't want others to see you lose!”-Monika Zagrobelna
To add to what the brilliant and talented Monika Zagrobelna says, you forget how to observe. How to see shapes, colors and shadows. You will depend on technology for images and miss the importance of sketching from real life. With your phone or tablet in hand, you will fail to look up and see the world around you. It’s such a vital skill in becoming a better artist that you cannot pass it by. It must be developed. But…you can’t do that…if you subscribe to the social media zombie masses.
With technology and social media, people no longer understand the importance of Art in society. Art teachers in schools are no longer teaching about Van Gogh, DaVinci or even Pollack. They can just google what they want to know. Nearly one quarter of the amazing artists on Deviant Art, trace their drawings before shading them. Technology and Social Media are changing the definition of art and not in a good way. Now everyone is an artist and putting literal human fecal matter on canvas is art. With participation trophies and no child left behind, the new generation no longer has to try to learn a craft that the generations before them poured hours into mastering. They are told it’s “okay to trace.”
One of the most disgraceful and disgusting things that clued me into what is happening to the important (under valued) world of art, is the show Face Off. Special FX Make Up Artists compete to win a grand prize by taking what project is given to them and creating a make up (creature) to match. In Seasons 8-10, there were many contestants that were heard to say “I just hope I don’t get eliminated”. Really? Was that your attitude going into the contest? It wasn’t until Season 11 that an artist with determination got on the show and put everything she had into her work. But I digress…
Artists of the future, I am begging you to put your phones down, shut off the radio (because music is junk anymore) and learn how to look at the world around you again. Social Media is a black hole…it will suck you into it and before you know it, your confidence in yourself is so awful that you no longer want to create. Then the beauty within you dies out and the world is devoid of your awesome talents. You will compare your life to another more developed artist and instead of learning from their work, you’ll become discouraged. So, walk away from that garbage. Go outside, away from everyone and if you want to be anyone great, for the love of Art…UNPLUG!
Are you really? Here’s a question, have you ever puffed out your chest and arrogantly proclaimed so? Have you ever tried to use that title to intimidate people into doing what you want? Do you feel a rush of power as you say this? If you answered Yes to any of these questions…guess what…you’re not. Here’s why I say you aren’t. Being a Clergy in any facet is not an excuse to abuse others or to lord power over other people. You are fallible and you Do have to answer to higher powers. It matters not if you believe in them or not, they will lay down the karmic smackdown when you decide to be an arrogant prick. Did that word shock your senses? Prick. If you’ve ever used your title to intimidate someone who disagrees with you or whatever reason you have to attempt to abuse it, you are not Clergy. Yes, being a High Priest or Priestess is a form of clergy, it’s an all encompassing word, so don’t get your “I’m not Christian” panties in a bunch. Walk away from your soap box and listen.
Who am I? Why am I qualified to lecture on this topic? In comparison to the vast universe, I am no one important. I hold no other title myself, aside from High Priestess. It was not something I strived to become, it just happened. People turned to me for help or guidance. Many people of many faiths and irregardless of their path, I guided them in the way I knew best. I have protected others from rotten people that call themselves by many religious titles, christian, pagan, heathen, buddhist, ect. Becoming one of the leaders or guides as I see it, is not an excuse to hold power over other people. It’s not. Now, there are some of you reading who are angry right now and I’ll tell you why. It’s because I just made you feel guilty of your behavior.
Being a High Priest or Priestess is also not simply a title. Nor is it an excuse to stroke your EGO. That arrogance and Ego-stroking belongs in Satanism, not in Paganism or Wicca. If that’s your reasoning for taking on that title, perhaps you should venture more toward the Satanic path, where Ego is king and it’s all about you (in other words, you’re God).
To be a High Priest/Priestess, means you’re responsible to the community. Yes, there are times where someone is so off the beaten path of Paganism or even Wicca, that a little hard guidance and tough love is necessary. Over the course of 15 years as a practicing Pagan myself, I have watched as people with little to no experience, declare themselves a leader, a clergy and are only in it for the power trip. Guess what? There is no power in this position. You don’t suddenly become a God or Goddess, you aren’t suddenly gifted with every mythical power you have read about. What you are gifted with is the ability to help and guide others. To protect people from themselves (sometimes) and to help ensure the health of the community.
For too long, I have watched as our community has not only drifted apart, been torn apart but been poisoned. Every child with a paycheck and a Hot Topic in their town wants to be the next Nancy Downs. That isn’t what Paganism is about. It’s not sacrificing animals, hurting children or women. It’s about loving Mother Earth (who is female) and respecting all things she has created. It’s a matriarchal faith, where the Goddess is primary but the God is vital to help protect and create. Just because you buy a Pentacle and a spell book, does not make you a Witch, a Pagan or a Wiccan. There is so much more to it than that. It calls for more responsibility upon you. It means paying attention to the natural cycles of the earth, respecting nature, not forcing your will on others and harming none.
There needs to be a serious revamp an adjustment of who can and cannot be a High Priest or Priestess. If you have ever stolen, committed rape, murder, or pedophelia, you are never qualified to be any form of clergy. A position such as this, calls upon you to be of pure heart and intentions. Do not give the excuse that it’s “part of my faith” or it’s “the way I practice”. Absolutely not. Nothing in any one of the paths gives clearance for these crimes against man. Again I will say Harm None. Now, some of you are saying that “I don’t subscribe to the Wiccan Rede.” Well, karma is very real and it will catch up with you. It doesn’t matter if you choose Aphrodite as your Goddess, gratuitous sex and images are not what she is about. She is not lust, she is love, know the difference or get a dictionary.
Here is where some of my words contradict themselves, you are however, allowed and encouraged to pull that status card when you see someone who claims themselves Pagan or Wiccan and they are doing whatever they want. They are casting spells without thought, treating people in whatever way they feel is appropriate (using their Witch status to intimidate) or you feel they are far too young to understand what it is they are playing with. Your plastic Pagans and Dabblers and such. Or in the case of an event I went to a few years ago, they leave a public park trashed after a gathering. When they give the community a bad name because of their behavior. This is not an organized religion but there are still rules and if you are a “High Priest or Priestess” you are responsible for helping to enforce them. There needs to be order brought back to our community. Thanks to shows like Charmed and Buffy, everyone wants to be a Witch, without ever realizing that we have far more rules than any other faith. Just no one has bothered to enforce them because we get rebellion in return. Even the Satanic religion (organization) has rules they must abide by. They do not “do whatever feels good.” So why do we have a bunch of little Pagans who think that behavior is okay? Because there is no real leadership anymore.
So, if you’ve gotten this far, I do hope you consider my words seriously. That you see the plague spreading across the Pagan community and you are willing to do something about it. Also, that if you realize, you have not been a true Priest/Priestess, you correct your behavior. Another note before I leave you, having 2-5 years experience does not qualify you for that responsibility. You are in no way ready for that path. It also means you have to teach lessons (not just about herbs, spells and crystals) but real life and Pagan lessons. By that I mean if someone is fooling around with a Ouija board and they get a demon in their house, you make them clear it. Otherwise, they will continue to make irresponsible decisions and expect you to clean it up. Whatever spell they cast, you have to teach them that they are responsible for the results, magick is not a game. Are you ready for that responsibility? You have to ensure their safety and well being while in circle and even when they are not around you. You do that by advising them when you see they are stepping in an unsafe direction or giving them information on herbal cures for what ails them. No Christian Clergy have this level of responsibility.
If you have not stopped reading by now, congratulations, you have intestinal fortitude. I am fully aware that my words will anger some people and that in the back of their mind they’re thinking “_Who the heck does she think she is? She can’t tell me what to do._” No, I cannot, you’re right about that. Just don’t bother to approach and speak to me in public and don’t contact me when you have nasty spirits walking around your living room. I will not help you. The Goddess will correct you, not me. Take into consideration what I am saying and please, let’s start making a difference in a small portion of humans. We all know, the world is already turning into a cesspool of ego and selfishness. Let’s none of us help contribute.
As of 6:40 this morning when I awoke, I have absolutely no plans to create today. I have to go to the dreaded work for 8 hours as usual. There is a wedding reception on Saturday so I am not working on that day. My muse and drive has not yet returned. This endless exhaustion (from what I have no idea) continues to wreak havoc on my days. I awake more tired than when I went to bed. I absolutely hate it.
So, there are a couple new topics to add to my google search today: finding inspiration when exhausted, breaking an artists block. Perhaps I need someone else to set me a schedule...no no...the nice lady in the article I was reading said to focus on what you're good at and work on that. So...What am I good at? I do a pretty mean portrait. But I can also draw buildings pretty well. Who am I kidding I want to be able to do it all. I'll accept that some things I cannot do well. I started a female character project in Maya.
Another Google topic: As an artist, is it a good idea to balance more than one project as to not become bored? Or how to not become bored on a project? Do artists become bored on projects? Or am I stuck in a pattern of work and home that has me so bogged down? The strangest concept of this entire thing is doing something for me. I hardly ever do for myself. For the pure enjoyment of it. I have little joy right now save for my husband. My office is so drab in decor it is hard to believe I am artistic at all. It's only because I have had no money and am not an interior decorator.
I smoke more and drink more coffee than I eat food. It's all out of necessity...I don't want to go to work. I hate that place...my manager is an idiot...the customers..don't get me started. I drive an hour there and an hour home. I hate having the same mundane job. It pays my bills well but I absolutely hate it.
So...
My Appreciation Journal
I'm loyal, loving and faithful. I am those things. I give of myself without expecting anything in return. These are not realizations by me but others who have known me, have told me. My old Art teacher tells me I am Artistic. So I'm an Artist then. Perhaps not to the level I want to be at but I am an artist none the less. I just need to work at it. To find out where I need to get better. I can do anything I set my mind to. I absolutely discoveret that in college (even if it was a for-profit bullshit college).
I'm honest. I am willing to listen to anyone who needs to talk. That is true...I never thought about it but I've listened to people I don't even like. Human suffering bothers me. I would make a horrible dictator or evildoer. I could not bring suffering on innocents. I am determined. There is a part of me now that says "give up" because it is a hard road and a hard journey. But that's what I've done for a while now...give up because I don't believe in myself. That's gonna stop. So it's stopping. If I have to keep my art for myself until I feel like sharing a piece that's fine. It's not for impressing them but myself. I have to learn to do things for myself. I'm my mother in that way, doing for others in that way. I'm a good daughter, not perfect but good.
Even if I don't get into SCAD, I have put my best foot forward and given it my all. I'll appeal it if I have to, I'll be a pain in their side. I do not care. If they want to know if I can do the work, if I can push through hard courses, I'll mention my son. I'll tell them the things I've gotten through using my art. How it was my therapy. How I depend on it to help me through life.
Contrary to popular psychology...it’s not ALWAYS a chemical imbalance. It could actually be because people are you are a bunch of selfish, self-entitled, egotistical assholes. It’s true...life handed you nothing but shit from birth.
The snowball continues from there and you’re not alone. Life handed me the same ball. Here’s the honest to God truth that NO ONE bothered to tell you kids...people suck. That’s the plain and simple of it.
We live in a world where Man’s Ego is the main problem. It is the center of bullying: the bullies only do what they do because the need to make themselves feel better. If they removed their ego from the situation and found a healthier way to do that, then bullying wouldn’t happen. It also happens because their parents are shit. Yeah parents of bullies, of the popular kid, the rich kid and the jock, I’m talking to YOU. You simply SUCK as a parent and a human being. They both are so INSECURE in themselves that they raise other sucky, insecure human beings and the ugly cycle continues. It’s sucky parents who are responsible for school shootings because their crap kids who are taught to JUDGE other people and to point out their flaws, continued to do so and then cry because your kid or their friend got shot. Guess what? I’m saying what NO ONE ELSE has the back bone to say. IT’S THEIR FAULT!! If they hadn’t raised a bully, then the kids who snap, would not feel the need to do so. Also, ANYONE who stands by and watches something happen but is too afraid to lose their “status” to say anything, they too are a PIECE OF CRAP. They’re a coward, which is even worse. Teachers and administration who sit back and do nothing, THEY ARE THE MAIN ISSUE!! Stop being so afraid of a lawsuit that you cower at every asshole parent with a spoiled bully who threatens to sue you. And stop punishing the kid who lashes out and breaks the bullies nose, they need to know they aren’t God.
But I digress...
For the loners, “losers” and weirdos...I love you. You’re awesome in a way they never will be. But it’s their shit, I know that makes you feel bad. Just because you’re treated like crap and bad things happen to you, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. That in turn DOESN’T make you a bad person...the problem lies with them taking advantage of your trust and kindness. When you look at things that way, doesn’t it change your point of view a little bit?
Here’s the thing kids, if you don’t break the bullies nose now, you’ll be walked on the rest of your life. Other bullies will beat you down. Even verbally declaring that enough is enough, it makes a difference in your self esteem. There is NOTHING wrong with you!
Back to my main point, people will always judge you. It’s up to you to decide that you are either going to let it run your life or you can be unapologetically you. Never be sorry you like the clothes you do, or the hobbies you have. Never be sorry that you made a mistake while learning a craft (drawing, ect). Guess what...you’re HUMAN. You are fallible. You will from time to time make a mistake and it’s fine. Some people who are assholes and they will make fun of you for it. You can comment “well, I’m glad you’re so perfect. Why don’t you show me how to do it?” I can almost gaurantee that they will back down. Because rather than admit they can’t do even a fraction of what you can do, they would rather make you feel like crap.
Because you are a nice person and probably a giving person...people will take advantage of you and they will steal from you. That’s the world we live in today. It’s pretty crappy but it’s the way things are now. Realize that is a reflection on them. Although you feel bad, it’s not you. Hold your head high and know that you were kind and loving and that those are redeeming qualities. If you can find the strength to do that, YOU WIN! Not them. They are such a loser that they have to take from others. You earned what you had that they took from you. Be proud!!
Now, perhaps what I am about to say doesn’t apply to everyone. But if you have ever had someone tear down your writing or your artwork. That is wholeheartedly a reflection on THEM! If they laughed at your work...I’m going to tell you a secret, it’s because they cannot do what you do. In order to make themselves feel better about having no talent and the fact they are going no where with their lives...they have to tear you down. They are jealous that YOU and only YOU can see and express your emotions and the imaginative way that you see the world, they feel the need to crush it. Some rotten souls are so miserable that they cannot bare to see anything happy. So when a glimmer of light shines through...they need to smash it. Believe it or not, that was done to me for many years. I show some light and they felt the need to crush that. It had nothing to do with me and it has nothing to do with you. The world is a horrible place, we need those colorful lights like you to light the way. Are you going to hide that beauty away from the world? Please don’t...please please don’t.
I wasn’t always the strong woman you have come to know. People still try to do these things to me. But me...I turn on my heels and walk from the negative people. I smile when they want me to hurt. I smile and show them happiness, joy and beauty. I create my works of art despite their hate and jealously (I promise you they are jealous or they wouldn’t try to tear us down). Why? Because it angers them more...it puts the ball in your court and it keeps the negativity away. So, smile at the haters and march to the beat of your unique drum.
14 Rules: Artist’s Who Lost Their Muse
For those who no longer see as an artist and stop themselves before they start. Here are a few things to help you. Perhaps you’re too worried about other people’s approval or admiration. STOP THAT! I so did this behavior for years and it brought my art to a stand still. Maybe you’re so busy and bogged down with life that you forgot how to see as an artist again. I get that, I SO get that. You’ve been forced all your life to conform into a box. Or you wedged yourself unwillfully into that box because society didn’t accept your unique you. You wanted to blend in, be accepted and be “normal”. No no…don’t do that either. You strange and wonderful you. You’re wild hair and dress, your personality and the odd way you see the world are AWESOME! The world needs You and Me, the strange wonderful people of the world. We are here to shake things up, to break up the norm and shake things around a bit. Like an artistic Earthquake.
There is the other aspect, the world around you is a boring grey (not literally). It’s a 9-5 cubicle with bills waiting at home and the same old every day. Or your life seems plagued by woes. I understand this too. Gosh, I do. Remember, Sometimes, the best creations come out of the worst pain. Look at Edgar Allan Poe. Hell, Van Gogh was severely depressed, look at the beauty he created. Every great artist suffers some mental malady, if they say they don’t, then they’re probably crazier than you or I combined.
Perhaps NONE of this applies to you and you don’t know WHY or HOW you lost your muse. Well, try to keep some of these in mind and maybe she will come back to you.
Here are some key things to remember:
First of all, always do it for yourself, this will force you to move forward, then do it for your spectators and finally… if you feel confident enough… do it for your peers.
You can stop by realizing that it inevitably leads to a point of frustration. Knowing this- why would you “choose” to continue instead of changing your focus? Find a point of focus in your artistic efforts and concentrate instead on doing your best work in that area.
The thing that really matters is that you are producing work that meets a standard you’ve set for yourself. If you can do this, it’s likely that what everyone else is doing won’t affect you in the same way.
Mistakes are a natural side-effect of doing something new. If you want to avoid them, the best method is to avoid new things completely. That’s what may happen to you if you share your every picture: even when filling a page in your sketchbook with studies of a hand, you’ll only choose the easy poses you feel comfortable with. It just feels scary that your fans could see a bad drawing of yours!
Having the public observing your every step makes you less prone to risk. If there’s a chance you may lose, it’s better not to play at all and to pretend you could win, if you wanted. You miss an opportunity to learn something by losing, just because you don’t want others to see you lose!
Embrace your imperfection and let yourself be bad. It’s better to show others all your pictures, good and bad, than to draw only the things you are sure will look good.
Go, try it—sketch something, then tear it apart, just like that. It’s not the last drawing in your life, nor is it the best picture you’ll ever draw. The more attached you are to your drawing, the harder it is for you to learn and change.
Draw to be better, not to be praised.
If you want to have fans of your art, not the style/topic you use, you must do your thing.
You can tell a talented artist from a skilled one by one simple fact: the latter is not attached to every sloppy sketch, because they know they can replicate the effect or even draw something better next time.
There are no drawings that don’t turn out—there are only mistakes that can be fixed in the next one.
There are so many ways to describe reality, and you can make a drawing more complete than a detailed photo simply by including the side of perception.
The biggest misconception about drawing, the one that all others derive from, is that it’s easy. So easy that children can do it, and if you can’t, then you’re just not talented enough. Once you free yourself of that way of thinking and start to treat drawing like any other skill, you may finally progress. No matter how long the way before you, you can step boldly on it!
Don’t let your ambition stop you from being a beginner!
The First Step: Let Go of the Need for Acceptance
The first step is to strengthen your core foundation so that you feel strong enough to go with what feels right for you. This way, you will no longer feel the need to look to others to feel good enough about your choices and decisions.
Keep a self-appreciation journal, where you start acknowledging daily or a few times a week the things you’re most proud of about yourself: choices you’ve made, insights you’ve learned, things you like about yourself, times you’ve stayed true to yourself, or whatever feels right for you.My Self-Appreciation Journal
The things I am most proud of at this point in life. I have not given up, no matter how hard things have gotten. I have been a good woman, a good human being. This is going to be harder than I thought. I write those words and then suddenly, DOUBT them. Why? Am I doubting them by what others say? Yes, that is the issue. So, this is about me. I started learning Maya and am already creating a Female Human Character. Yes, I am using a tutorial but I have only had a Maya for about 2 weeks and have redone the character a few times. So, inspite of not knowing my college status, I am still getting myself to learn Maya on my own.
I have a unique, outsiders way of seeing the world. It's not a light and beautiful way, I see the ugly truth, the darkness. The monsters that no one else can see. I have seen nightmarish things. The things that go bump in the night. I am not attention seeking or crazy. I am honest, loving, giving and in so many ways, like my mother. I love that I'm like her. I can push myself up and keep moving forward. Hit after hit, I have a never ending strength to keep going. I can shelf my hardest pain (like the loss of my son) and help a friend. I always can answer a phone call or give a hug. I help complete strangers. I have made a positive impact on people's lives. I'm a hell of a writer. Did I sell a lot of books? Nope, that's fine. It's a hard industry. But I wrote a novel in 5 years and even completed and published it through the death of my son. I had the strength to help carry my fiance through the hell and to make the hard decisions he could not make.
I've let others dictate my credibility and my artistic talents. Allowed so many different guides and tutorials to impact my want to create. They became too uniform, too disiplined. The fun was sucked right out of it. So, I need to stop putting off what I want to do and create what I want to create. To be a bit more disiplined about my practice. To finish projects I have started. To stop mulling over the idea of "is it good or not". Who cares? I'm doing it for me. I want to get better for myself. So that it becomes second nature and the images in my head become clear illustrations to share with the world.
I'll have to make a note of this and keep it on my wall to remind myself. Adding to my journal. I am a good artist, I have natural talent. Here is something I've done that I loved the jacket in this drawing. It's not complete crap. I have to make a mantra to myself. "My work is not crap"
After EVERYTHING that has happened in the last 5 years, I have come to realize that I have forgotten the very definition of an Artist. I forgot how to create without worry. How to enjoy my craft without comparing my work to other people. How to create for myself and not give a damn what other people think. I've become horribly plugged in and sucked into the black hole of EGO. Everyone is looking for instant gratification, so my patience as I develop has dwindled. I do not give myself time to make a mistake. To hone my craft. Because I am too worried about the hate I will receive.
Some of the people I have come to admire (and that is shrinking mind you), do what it is they do and are who they are unapologetically. They look at life as a journey. They give no care in the world of what other people think...when did I start. With the Boondock Fandom, when my name was drug through the mud because of a disagreement. When people misunderstood me. When former clients (who demanded far too much from an UNPAID) project, took advantage of my time and so I had to cut them off.
Who am I? When did I STOP being ME? Because I wanted to blend in? To be accepted by society. SCREW THEM!! They NEVER accepted me either way, they are going to judge or make comments. Everyone needs to stroke their own ego. I am ME. I am the unforgiving Gothic Chick, who does not give second chances because too many people in life have screwed me over. I am Proudly Pagan. I am the girl who won't compromise their morals, principals and values. And when you're an asshole (irregardless of fame or status) I'm going to be the one who isn't afraid to tell you so. How horrible I am.
I have knowledge, I am a High Priestess, I am EQUALLY qualified. So....
Why is this my
ART journey? Because...all of these things are affecting my art. So, I most likely used the wrong affect or effect, in the words of Amanda Armstrong (Mona Lisa Smile) "Whom gives a damn anyway."
Step One: Researching how to get back to seeing as an
ARTIST. How to stop letting other people's opinions affect or effect my art. And then laying out a plan. Which I'll blog here. Despite the fact that no one reads my blog.
Added this to the Mac as a background because BADASS and Not bad on the eyes. I can safely and anonymously discuss this here without him ever finding out. I follow him on Facebook.
Delicious Glenn Hetrick
Those EYES! God those eyes!
Damn!
By now I'm certain that no one has read this blog, it's quite depressing. But life is ugly. That's the cold hard truth kids. You do not always get your christmas presents. The Pastor, whose name I will mention here is Pastor Johnathon P Cornell from the Wabash Presbyterian church. I'll post his ugly mug later. Not to worry, you will know what a murderer looks like. He is married to the Whore of Babaylon Amy Cornell. Both of these disgusting individuals believe that because they are Pastors, they have done nothing wrong, That killing a 15 year old boy is not wrong, it was up to God and not them. Lying sacks of crap they are. There is nothing they can do to me for mentioning their crimes. There punishment will come soon enough. This little Pagan is NOT afraid to send the entire Necronomocon after them OR every demon in hell. Both of them sound wonderful.
In the meantime, I have applied to Savannah College of Art and Design. Now I play the waiting game. Also, I know who is behind the death of my cats and the death of my son. A jealous little Judas named Christopher Lee Pickens-Hughes. He and his fat cow of a girlfriend were jealous of what I have gained. Although I gained it rightfully so. Through blood sweat and tears, I have fought to get my husband, my house, my car, the crappy but good paying job and my son. Everything that he, in his jealousy ripped away from me, was given to me. Some of it, by powers greater than mine. So, pray for me and wish me luck.
For your consideration:
The Murderer Johnathon P Cornell [Calling you Pastor would be an insult to TRUE Clergy]
His LYING WHORE OF BABYLON Amy Cornell
The lying, two faced, sack of shit, SEX OFFENDER Christopher Lee Pickens-Hughes. HE worked a spell that caused all of this and the death of nearly every one of my cats. Also, ATTEMPTED to steal my companies from me, because he felt I OWED HIM. When EVERY DIME that was spent on the companies, came out of MY POCKET.
Bobbijo Davis, who influenced Christopher to stab me in the back because she got it into her fat little head that I had money. Dumb bitch. I'm not swimming in cash, you're retarded and now Chris lost his oppertunity at something great. So, look, you both have NOTHING.
I'm shamelessly sharing these because it's the honest to God truth and I have no f**ks to give.
Rant Over