Real World Polyamory (original) (raw)
Mon, Sep. 13th, 2010, 03:27 pm
For those in range of UK, the next UK Polyday will be in Bristol on 20th November.
See: http://imakeawesome.co.uk/polyday/
A one-day event held in Bristol for everyone who knows that happy and honest relationships don't have to be monogamous, Polyday combines a day of discussions and an evening of cabaret and socialising to give you a chance to meet like-minded people, to build our community and to celebrate its diversity.
Sun, Oct. 7th, 2007, 10:23 pm
faeriefyre: When the **** hits the fan...
There's this girl that my hubby and I have a good connection to. We'd call her "our" girlfriend. She is in love with the both of us and we have a high regard (not love) for her. Don't know why we don't... it's just not there...
She's just a few months older than him (I'm the youngest at 32, they're 38 & 39 respectively).
She had 3 kids by her husband when she was VERY young and they're now 16, 18 & 20 and live away from her and she's EVER so glad that she doesn't have any young children now. Doesn't want another baby. She's looking forward to menopause and the only reason she hasn't had a tubal ligation is because of the costs.
So, she's on Implanon. And has been for about 18 months now.
We started being intimate with her 3 months before my son was born. They used condoms and everything was fine.
Hubby & I got married only a year ago. Got pregnant (planned) on the wedding night and have a beautiful baby boy who is now 3 months old.
Our family don't know about this additional relationship that we have with this woman. And if they did - they'd divorce us... they just would NEVER understand.
There were some *serious* problems at the time of the birth... She became FAR too clingy, and I needed my space to adjust to this new human being.. ;) But we sorted out our stuff... and we built the needed bridges... and our relationship got closer.
Then the 2 of them asked to be "fluid bonded"... I was rather distressed by the idea at first, (jealousy issues on my behalf) and then saw that they both wanted that extra connection and that my jealousy reactions were in the way of this happening.
So, I got over it... and it happened. More than once. Felt really jealous the first time... got less the second time... even less the third... so on and so forth. I became to realise that I wasn't going to be "replaced" by her... She didn't want any more children, so it wasn't going to be complicated.
Then the bomb drops!!
Remember, she's been on Implanon for 18 months now... (http://www.fpahealth.org.au/sex-matters/factsheets/28.html)
Yup, we've just found out that she's pregnant... This is NOT a good thing. Currently she believes that the test is a false positive.
She doesn't want nor believe in an abortion. She would only consider giving that child up for adoption if it was to us. But how do I tell our families that Adam has a child by another woman?? We'll lose them all for sure... they won't know how to cope!
And if we were to adopt.. how do I feel about raising another woman's baby? How do I cope with the knowledge that this baby isn't of my blood. (I'm planning to have 4 babies with my husband)... How do I bring up a child that isn't mine and how do I explain it to the rest of our extended family - let alone my children as they get older??!!
See, I didn't think she was going to stay in our lives for long. A year, maybe 2... maybe a few more... but I just don't feel "love" for this woman and it's been 6 months that we've been seeing her... A high regard, yes. But love? Definitely not.
I'm lost, - is anyone out there who has been where I am and can shed some light?
(X-posted to just about everywhere poly)
Fri, Jul. 13th, 2007, 05:19 pm
moon_orchid: Awesome Polyamory Article
Great article written by Andras Jones about non-monogamous relationships. I appreciate his honesty about the emotions and feelings one can wrestle with while in a non-monogamous relationship, and the article turned out to be much more heart-felt and loving than I expected.
I love this paragraph at the end:
_"I usually have at least as much – or more – to share with the man that the woman who loves me chooses as a lover than they have to share with each other. Passion is fleeting, after all, but fellowship, and hard-earned fellowship at that, is a much rarer thing. It is possible that the women we love, when given the freedom to do what they naturally do, which is to love freely, will be like dousing rods, unearthing brothers we have lost and would never meet any other way."_Wow, I say.
Sat, Feb. 10th, 2007, 07:04 pm
Wednesday is Valentines Day. I'm not playing. I'll tell you why. I may sound cynical at first. Bear with me.
I have more than one love. I am poly. I also have more than one intimate friend aside from those loves because I am poly. Here's the rub. Some I call loves because we see each other that way and some I don't because we don't feel the word is either appropriate yet, if ever. The labels, the expectations, the baggage that comes with the L word aren't really necessary to express a relationship. I don't need to say "I love you" for them to know I do. That is expressed through my actions, though my attention, caring, closeness, not words. Words are the wrapping and bows on the gift of our affection. While they are nice, they cannot make our actions what they are not. A crappy present (actions) all dressed up in pretty bows and paper is still a crappy present. You can't make up for 364 days of inaction, not keeping commitments, not being focused, not being *involved*, with a triple heart diamond ring from the Shane company. There are news stories for weeks about the perfect gift, which chocolate is better, why gold is better than silver, which flowers are best, etc.
And a 'holiday' built around Love feeds on those expectations. In our monogamous society, where Love is everything, Love rules our expectations, Love is misunderstood, Love is misused, Love is a hammer to some, Valentines Day points out the inherent problems with speech (I'm talking shallow actions as speech too) *as* Love.
There is such a big commercial (see this?) deal made of Valentines day. There are Valentines days sales at jewelers, florists, *car dealerships*, everywhere. We are supposed to buy to express our Love, as some sign, some validation of our relationship. One year I did that for three of my partners and after it was complete I recognized the trap. You see, if you have one love, you buy them their gift. Since you are giving to no other this gift, as you are not supposed to with your heart, no comparison can be made in either. You are supposed to have one valentine one love. If you have more than one, you buy separate gifts if you follow the monogamy model of the 'holiday'. As I was shopping (which is not my thing), in the almost Christmas crowds, I realized that these gifts, however appropriate, were not my love. So, what the hell was I doing? Why was I playing the "prove that I love you and don't love another by giving you a special gift" monogamy game?
Two years have passed since that day. My relationships have changed somewhat, with some leaving and others arriving. A few have stayed steady but, this isn't something that can be measured, certainly not against one another, hopefully not by any of my loves either.
So I'm left standing here, watching the monogamy game play itself out, with people rushing about for their various reasons. Some of them are simply using this special day to acknowledge their love, others are using it to validate their relationship, or make up for neglecting their partner, or assure them that they aren't cheating. Yes, it occurs to me. How many people are giving a partner a gift that promises monogamy and are currently cheating on their partner. But I digress..
My relationships are what they are. A single date in February, a charge on a credit card, pretty wrappings around a bauble, do not those relationships make. They are made though my actions, expressed in my attention, my caring, my mentorship, sacrifice, dedication throughout the year; yes, even on that day *too*. This is not a Hallmark moment.
This is my life.
Mon, Nov. 20th, 2006, 04:47 pm
j5nn5r: It’s Over. Just Not Gonna Happen. Not Like This.
Ever since I realized, really understood, that I was poly, that my heart was open enough to take in the entire world if desired, I’ve had this fantasy. It’s been a crystal clear, bright, intense fantasy. It’s always been in the back of my mind and it has influenced, in very positive ways, how I have interacted with the people in my life.
Here is what I see when I dream of my loves and family.
There’s some property. I am but one of the owners. I live there. So do my loves and friends. Their loves and friends live there too. Some people share a Great House, with others living in little cottages and outbuildings scattered about. Sometimes people go out to eat, sometimes they eat alone in their cottages, but there is always a gathering of sorts around the diner table. There is always a great cook, happy to provide, feeling fulfilled making this many people happy. There are always happy children, squawking about their day. There are those that set up, or clean up, happy to be free of the responsibility of creating the meal. There are people, eating together, joining together, because they want to.
While people do have personal belongings and personal spaces, there is an air of sharing and support. There is but one ¾ ton pickup truck, one 28foot ladder, one wood chipper, one tractor, and one large well-stocked workshop, one of many things that a family needs – you get the idea.
There are children, some of them are mine and some are not. Some are grown and some are not. All the children are children of the great family, if not in legal terms, but in familial terms. There are grandparents to maybe great grandkids. Any child can go to any adult about anything. We are Family.
There are family gatherings and traditions with roots reaching deep into the bedrock of the lives of those involved in this Chosen Family. Thanksgiving takes on a whole new meaning and size, with days long festivities, and people returning home from across the globe. Hanukah is celebrated, along with Christmas and Yule and…it’s an insane and happy time of the year.
No one is ever alone unless by choice. No one is ever without love and assistance, except by choice. No one is ever unsupported, unless they ask to do something alone.
I have been described, more than once, by more than one, as a patriarch of a family, who gathers loved ones around a core to celebrate and support each other in a chosen and rather extended family. I don’t know if that description fits. When I hear the word I envision some old rich guy, gray of hair, slightly fat of physique, holding court on some daytime soap opera. It also speaks to me of some kind of “top dog” where I am number one, where others bow to my superior status or respect me more than others. I don’t like that image either.
However, maybe in bits and pieces, it’s not that far off in some ways, so I don’t reject it entirely. Maybe I’m here to be bedrock of sorts, building a family of sorts, a place where people can feel welcome, loved, and respected, regardless of any artificial status they may feel or that others attempt to impose upon them.
Hence my fantasy as described above.
It’s not going to happen, though.
Upon first glance, this may seem like a defeat, a failure, or something to grasp desperately, or attempt to force the universe to create. It may seem like focusing on the goal of that dream would be key, but it would grasp at people, attempt to make them something that they cannot be (even if they wished it), and eventually drive them away. That would not only make no sense. It would be disastrous.
In the greater scheme of things, it honestly matters not that my particular dream come true in this particular form.
Here are some examples why.
My life is full of false starts, indecision, and failures on my part. I dreamed of becoming a professional photographer – my parents reneged on their promise to support me through college. I’m still a very good photographer. I wanted to be an architect – I believed the advisor when he said I’d only end up designing parking lots. I can still do innovative and good design. I wanted to be a professional pilot – I let family and money pressures convince me to quit at almost 200 hours and halfway through my Instrument Rating. While I’m not current, I could, at this moment, take off and land a Cessna 152/172 almost anywhere. I wanted to be a cop, a really good cop – I chose at the right time to leave in a situation in which I could not prevail. I’m still educated as a cop – still have the skills, still have the knowledge. For every non-starter there have been useful lessons.
While it is easy for people to blurt out platitudes like “you can be anything you want,” or, ”simply visualize and it will come true,” they ignore that there are things outside our control, and that we cannot create reality out of whole cloth. While I do live my life purposefully, that doesn’t mean one does so while blindfolded. It makes sense to reach for dreams, but it’s much less painful to reach for what is actually attainable, that which cannot be forced, that which makes sense to pursue.
My dream, as much as it makes me smile, as much as it fills me with love, can also be a trap. Each piece of my dream can be a brick, which I could mortar into a prison of my own making; the unappiness becoming bars, possessiveness the walls, and the floor a foundation of resentment and sorrow. If I were single-minded enough to focus on what I don’t have, instead of what I can create, here and now, in my life today, I’d simply create a miserable reality.
I can’t have my dream and that is OK. It’s not OK in a way where I am denied my wishes. It’s not OK because others tell me that is how things must be. It’s OK like being OK with living, having to eat, needing water, needing love, and having an end to life.
It’s OK because it is.
It just is.
Instead, I create and foster a reality where I can encourage others to risk to love, even if they doubt they can. Also to understand and trust that I am actually free of fear that they love another. I can create a reality where it is clear I want someone in my life, that I want them happy, but if their happiness does not include me, then they should leave, with my blessing. Until then, as long as the relationship I have with a person is good for the both of us, I’d very much like it to continue until the end of my days, regardless of where they live, where they sleep, who helps raise their children and who they love.
Until the end of my days.
Thu, Sep. 14th, 2006, 01:32 pm
skibbley: (no subject)
I hope it is OK to tell people here about Polyday in London, England on 14th October.
I'm helping organise it and anyone interested and in the area is welcome.
I ran the 1st one a couple of years ago and this one will be bigger and better and I'll actually be able to participate rather than just organise (trying to put together a real-life community I want to be part of is one of the reasons I do this sort of thing).
I hope my partner will be coming along and helping out. My other lover will probably not be since she lives rather far away.
Wed, Aug. 9th, 2006, 11:43 pm
This has been a pretty quiet comm lately, but I thought I'd mention something:
I'm poly, but single. Meaning I'm not "in a relationship" with anyone right now. I hang out with people, slept with someone new this weekend who is also seeing other people. I'm rebuilding my soul after my divorce and all that led up to it.
So my oldest friend in the world found the love of her life at 16. They've been married over 6 years, have a little boy and one on the way and I love them all dearly. I rent their basement apartment. Thing is, she voices majorly judging statements, like "Why buy the cow..." and "You want a drunk, go to the bars." (I go dancing in my hometown with people I know and feel safe with most weekends.)
I'm just annoyed that she feels ok demeaning the choices I make. I'm sane, level-headed and smart. I don't let people fuck with my head, and I take responsibility for every choice and every emotion I have. She, on the other hand, burries her feelings, has great sex with her husband but won't take her needs into her own hands, and seems to think that her family life is better than my single status. She knows it's my one wish to have a family, but refuses to acknowlege that my vision of family could be different than hers.
Just venting, but sometimes the issues in my [poly] life aren't with the poly people at all!
Thu, Jul. 13th, 2006, 07:09 pm
sassymellowgirl: Group changes
I have now made the group open to anyone without requiring approval for membership. I have also changed it to unmoderated posts. I cannot keep up with membership requests, and don't think it's fair to people waiting to learn if they are approved. I will require that members are 18 or over, and will continue to check profiles to be sure of this.
I'd like to see more posts, and hopefully these changes will encourage that. If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask.
Fri, May. 26th, 2006, 12:43 am
heartdancer: a question for all
in our lifestyle....do you believe that we have a responsibility to be super ethical (as in...twice as ethical as mono people are)? why or why not?
feel free to post as a post or a comment :-)
Tue, May. 23rd, 2006, 01:34 pm
heartdancer: (no subject)
_I was just going to ask you - since you're the only one I've seen on any of these communities who is a swinger-turned-poly - what you do when you swing with someone (usually indicating they're in a relationship), fall for them, and find out their partner's not ok with it. I mean obviously what you DO is not pursue the relationship but how do you deal with your emotions? :(_well, that was what happened with my previous secondary. we had fallen for each other after swinging. both of our primaries said it was okay to pursue a relationship as long as we went super slow. okay, peachy. we decided to take a break due to distance, but were gonna try again when i moved into the area. during this time, i come to find that his primary didnt' mean it when she said it was okay to pursue a relationship. and is very much relieved that we're taking a break. so now i've made the decision that he and i will never be. i won't do that to his primary. not fair at all.
the emotions? well...you just deal with them. i'm very sad about all of this. i still love him, and i still want to go to him and say "i want you. screw your primary's feelings." but how could i do that? i couldn't. i have too much respect for him, and thus for his primary relationship.
not being able to pursue the relationship feels like a breakup. how do you get over any breakup? lots of ice cream, lots of tears. and good friends. (most of my monogomous friends dont' understand, so i turn to my primary for comfort. and he gives it wonderfully). we're trying the "friend" thing, which i think makes it worse. but i'd rather have him in my life as a friend than nothing else.
oh, and it completely takes away any chance of swinging with him in the future! which also sucks, since he was spectacular in bed *wink*
you back off. waaay off. and then you deal. you go by how the partner who is least comfortable with things...if that person doesn't want you talking to your swing partner turned love, then you don't talk to them. if they are okay with you being friends, but must never be alone, then that's what you do.
it sucks. its quite horrible emotionally. i think its really just best NOT to get involved with people who aren't poly if you are. (unfortch, this was how i *found* i was poly...ick!)