renee9894, posts by tag: the nothing - LiveJournal (original) (raw)

| | Tags:all things considered, america, cause i'm a bad person, crew 38, fan club, friends, fun, get on my level, i'm the only one laughing here, law, ragdoll, shows, something better left alone, the nothing, well now ya know, work, wrapped up in thingsMusic:Ugly Things - Unknown Hinson Tags:all things considered, america, analogy, cause i'm a bad person, dad, family, home, i won't regret saying this, i'm the only one laughing here, life, outlaws, something better left alone, the nothing, these things i know, travel, truths, what i meant to say, wisdom, work, wrapped up in thingsLocation:SeattleMood:workingMusic:the weary kind - ryan bingham I'm moving to Capital Hill in a few months!Trystan and I are going to be roommates.Tags:all things considered, america, art, cause i'm a bad person, downsize, family, friends, fun, happy like i used to be, home, i won't regret saying this, i'm the only one laughing here, law, life, moving on, ragdoll, school, shows, something better left alone, the gap is from you, the nothing, these things i know, travel, truths, updates, we, well now ya know, wisdom, work, wrapped up in things, you might be a contenderLocation:Langley to SeattleMood:TwistedMusic:Flight of the Conchords Ep2 Inner City Pressure Tags:all things considered, america, analogy, back to me, because that's how i roll, biker, cause i'm a bad person, circles, dad, downsize, family, fan club, friends, get on my level, happy like i used to be, home, i'm just saying, i'm the only one laughing here, law, life, looking back, meds make me silly, moving on, outlaws, poptart, r.i.p, ragdoll, school, shows, sleep, so they say, something better left alone, the gap is from you, the nothing, these things i know, truths, updates, voyuerism, we, well now ya know, what i meant to say, who i used to be, wisdom, work, wrapped up in things, you might be a contenderLocation:misplacedMusic:Playboy Mommy - Tori Amos Tags:all things considered, analogy, back to me, because that's how i roll, biker, cause i'm a bad person, circles, dad, downsize, fan club, friends, get on my level, happy like i used to be, hate mail, i'm just saying, i'm the only one laughing here, life, looking back, love, moving on, outlaws, over it, poptart, r.i.p, ragdoll, shows, sleep, so they say, something better left alone, the gap is from you, the nothing, these things i know, truths, updates, voyuerism, well now ya know, what i meant to say, who i used to be, wisdom, work, wrapped up in things, you might be a contenderMood:busyMusic:School Night - Ani Difranco Oh, what the hell, " she says, "I just can't win for losing"And she lays back downMan, there's so many times I don't know what I'm doin'Like I don't know nowAnd by the light of the moon, she rubs her eyesSays, "It's funny how the night can make you blind"I can just imagineAnd I don't know what I'm supposed to doBut if she feels bad, then I do, tooSo I let her beAnd she says, "Ooh, I can't take no more"Her tears like diamonds on the floorAnd her diamonds bring me down'Cause I can't help her nowShe's down in itShe tried her best and now she can't winIt's hard to see them on the groundHer diamonds falling downWay downShe sits down and stares into the distanceAnd it takes all nightAnd I know I could break her concentrationBut it don't feel rightAnd by the light of the moon, she rubs her eyesSits down on the bed and starts to cryAnd there's something less about herAnd I don't know what I'm supposed to doSo I sit down and I cry, tooBut don't let her seeAnd she says, "Ooh, I can't take no more"Her tears like diamonds on the floorAnd her diamonds bring me down'Cause I can't help her nowShe's down in itShe tried her best and now she can't winIt's hard to see them on the groundHer diamonds falling downShe shuts out the night and tries to close her eyesIf she can find daylight, then she'll be alrightShe'll be alright, just not tonightAnd she says, "Ooh, I can't take no more"Her tears like diamonds on the floorAnd her diamonds bring me down'Cause I can't help her nowShe's down in itShe tried her best and now she can't winIt's hard to see them on the groundHer diamonds fallingOoh, I can't take no moreHer tears like diamonds on the floorBut her diamonds bring me down'Cause I can't help her nowShe's down in itShe tried her best and now she can't winIt's hard to see them on the groundHer diamonds falling downI can't take no moreDiamonds on the floorNo more (no more), no moreDiamonds falling downI can't take no moreDiamonds on the floorNo more, no more (no more, no more)Diamonds falling down, yeahI can't take no moreDiamonds on the floor (no more, no more)Her diamonds falling, all her diamonds (no more)Diamonds falling downI can't take these diamonds falling downTags:all things considered, back to me, biker, cause i'm a bad person, chs, circles, crew 38, dad, family, fan club, friends, get on my level, happy like i used to be, home, i'm just saying, i'm the only one laughing here, law, life, looking back, meds make me silly, moving on, outlaws, over it, poptart, r.i.p, ragdoll, sleep, so they say, something better left alone, the gap is from you, the nothing, these things i know, truths, updates, voyuerism, we, well now ya know, what i meant to say, who i used to be, wisdom, wrapped up in things, you might be a contenderMood:lost i cant really help what i'm doing but i'm doing it and i'm doing it well, i'm drifting away from so many people and they're so far away, i see them and i meant to call, i did, i meant to stop by or wave or hug and mean it, i always have cared so much and i appreciate that you remember me but i just dont know what to say anymore. it's a strange thing, growing up, as all things in life are. and then there's those who you try but you just cant reach or you just cant quite get back. i was so unsure about it, missing out on what was traditionally one of the best weeks of my year, until i realized i might not need it anymore. things have changed, so fast and so much. they're so different now, i'm so different now. i dont think i need it i dont think where i've been is a place i feel i need to return to so often, and i've let go of so much of it, the guilt and the shame the longing and the need, and realizing how far i've come is a scary scary thing. realizing that i am, for the most part, fine now, and i have no need to let all that out. every once in a while it does come back and i do need someone but for the first time i have myself, i have some of the best people ever with me on this, and i'm ok. its a scary thing and its a beautiful thing, its a strange thing, growing up. i never thought i would learn how to let go. i've decided that it's time. my updates have become rare and not me at all, i am not me at all. the next few days, weeks, or months will be private entries, except maybe song lyrics, pictures, or a quote, nothing more. right now what i need is to write for me and me only, without even thinking once about what someone else will be thinking when they read it. what i need is complete honesty with myself before i can be honest with those around me. to find the respect and care for myself i try to give to other people. i need to uncover the better version of me that's been gone for too long and get rid of this thing i've turned into, i need to find and know myself, to be ok when everything is not ok. i've let things go too far and i had to reach the brink to realize i wasnt going anywhere but down. i'm sorry i've been gone for so long, i'm sorry for the way things have become, i'm sorry i let this happen, and thank you to all of you who've been with me the whole way and who will never leave, who always accept me the way i am. you mean more to me than you'll ever know.Tags:all things considered, back to me, biker, cause i'm a bad person, circles, family, fan club, friends, get on my level, happy like i used to be, i'm the only one laughing here, life, looking back, moving on, outlaws, ragdoll, something better left alone, the nothing, these things i know, truths, updates, well now ya know, what i meant to say, who i used to be, work, wrapped up in thingsLocation:Empty Chairs at Empty TablesMood:2-4-6-0-1 the italian teddy bear (this is fucked up lol)https://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/humor/web_animations/1.swfTags:all things considered, cause i'm a bad person, crew 38, fan club, friends, fun, funny, hate mail, i'm the only one laughing here, life, ragdoll, something better left alone, the nothing, these things i know, truths, updates, voyuerism, well now ya know, what i meant to say, work, wrapped up in thingsLocation:opening emailMood:amused "I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see." Alice - Alice in wonderlandSo I went out to eat tonight with most of my friends Metal band and a few non band members. I realized half way threw dinner that someone I considered one of my newer friends is really one of my older friends (like 7 to 10 years ago friends). ??? :( ???Tags:all things considered, biker, cause i'm a bad person, circles, fan club, friends, hate mail, i'm the only one laughing here, looking back, meds make me silly, outlaws, poptart, ragdoll, shows, so they say, something better left alone, the nothing, these things i know, truths, updates, voyuerism, what i meant to say, who i used to be, work, wrapped up in thingsMood:scaredMusic:bang bang ...I looked at it as if it reminded me of a crime I had committed, with an irrespressive smile such as rises somtimes to people's lips in the face of great catastrophes which are beyond their grasp, the smile which comes at times on certain women's faces while they are saying they regret the harm they have done. It is the smile of nature quietly and proudly asserting its natural right to kill, the smile which the animal in the jungle never shows but by which man reveals when the animal re-enters his being and reasserts its presence. It was the evil siren in me, ready to lure the hapless sailor to an enticing but rocky death.But I couldn't do it! Not to him.Tags:all things considered, analogy, cause i'm a bad person, fan club, friends, get on my level, life, love, moving on, over it, ragdoll, shows, something better left alone, the gap is from you, the nothing, these things i know, truths, updates, voyuerism, we, what i meant to say, wisdom, wrapped up in things, you might be a contenderLocation:waitingMood:Evil SirenMusic:Sober - by Pink listless, apple-like, you rot at the coreof your best dress. apple-like, it isbright red and spinning around you becauseyou are spinning around everyone, likea soap bubble about to pop. that nagging feelingin your bones, the one that makes you want to feel weightless. weightless is just another word forwhat? living dead, maybe. walkin' talkin' breathin' corpse. cadaver. so many words for the same thing.but your skin is not blue, so you carry on. some other burdens, such as and so forth andother words that imply carelessness, caring lessand lessand less and less and maybe one day when the moonhasn't carved up the sky with its edgesyou'll be able to finally popand breatheand breathe and breathe and breatheTags:all things considered, cause i'm a bad person, circles, the nothing, well now ya knowLocation:floating around in my bubble of carelessnessMood:apple-likeMusic:criminal - by fiona apple Before we drove back to my hotel, I let Peter Pan have it in the face with barrels fully loaded & reloaded, again & again & again. I was like Annie Oakley on amphetamines.This was no time for diplomacy, cajoling, humor or another kind of gentle, tactful way to send a message.The words reprehensible, irresponsible, ridiculous, pathetic oh and a bunch of other equally unpleasant adjectives came out like a tommy gun with a bad stutter. Rat-a-tat-rat-a-tat-rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat........It was vitriol spewing out of me, but I wasn't yelling or shouting. I never raised my voice once. I mean, I miss him sometimes, but, the fact is, like Wendy despite all the fun I was having with him, I grew up. I wanted him to grow up too.He'll make a fine man if he ever does. Tags:all things considered, cause i'm a bad person, keith, looking back, love, moving on, oak hill, outlaws, the gap is from you, the nothing, what i meant to say, who i used to be, you might be a contenderLocation:Never-Never Land with the lost Boy'sMood:Annie OakleyMusic:paperbag - by Fiona Apple **Girls are likeapples on trees. The bestones are at the top of the tree.The boys don't want to reach forthe good ones because they are afraidof falling and getting hurt. Instead, theyjust get the rotten apples from the groundthat aren't as good, but easy. So the applesat the top think something is wrong withthem, when in reality, they're amazing.They just have to wait for the rightboy to come along, the onewho's brave enoughto climball the wayto the topof the tree.**----------------------------------------------------------- Tags:all things considered, cause i'm a bad person, circles, friends, love, the gap is from you, the nothing, you might be a contenderLocation:top of the treeMood:lonelyMusic:37 Stitches - by Drowning Pool / Black & Gold - by Sam Sparro "I'm sorry.", he said.Two words.Three syllables.Seven letters.Two punctuation marks and.One friendship ....?Excised, precised, incised...with the most cutting of blades...the stark ugly truth.Those two little words when uttered with sincerity she believed to be one of the most powerful declarations one sentient human being could promise to another."I love you." being in her mind the very first in that short list of words strung together like pearls to create long strands of luminescent humanity."I forgive you." ranking second amongst the most welcome phrases in the universe.This sacred trilogy of pledges being the most healing ones a body could ever hear, but, she felt, the most difficult to qualify._(Remember in the movie as Bartelby fell to his knees with the agony of several thousand years of torturous exile weighing upon his bloody tattered angel wings, seemingly full of atonement and begging the forgiveness and benediction of a cartwheeling, barefoot, flower child-like Almighty Being in the guise of Alanis Morrisette; after the decimation and attempted annihilation of the creatures he envied for garnering Her ultimate favor and cherished love),_His plea for mercy was real... but was it an apology?Of course, it was just a movie.But still it crosses my mind - was he like Bartelby?Did he really feel penitent, sorrowful, full of regret, ready for his expiation or was it just self-pity?How could she really know?The difference?Not being able to see into his soul as though it were a display window to a glorious boutique handicapped her, didn't it?What price this apology, this regret?Bargain basement or Tiffany diamond?Accountabilty, responsibility & a willingness to accept the consequences of his actions. To own this destruction that he caused. He needed to eliminate those pitiful twins, Pain and Need, who come knocking at the door of your heart like some mad Seventh Day Adventists trying to sell you their godforsaken magazines that you know you don't want, can't use and will never read.He needed to realize they are so damned persistent that Pain & that Need, they get their foot in the door and well..... unless you're careful they make a good long stay as unwelcome houseguests. You have to start purposefully cleaning your soul's home, purging it of old toxic fumes, clean that dirty laundry, put away those dishes; start getting active and busy cleaning out that soul and chase those sonofabitches out of the house with a broomstick, sweeping up after them as they run for cover.It would not be an easy thing to do because he wouldn't always acknowledge that those pitiful Twins have entered his soul. They can masquerade as things like Love and Desire, so very easily...But even then...if he would... could she trust him?Could he really transfigure, transmute himself after those five Our Fathers, three Hail Marys, and one Glory Be?Or would he just lather his conscience in the suds of sorrow until he could become preoccupied with the washing away of his sins and get them all soapy, wet, drowning in the bubbles of distraction and denial. Only to come out feeling shiny and clean for the short term until he was willing and able to sin again?Trust, forgiveness, they were so easy for her to give to him. Impossible for her to give to herself... she lifted her head up from the desk, out of her hands, her face cooler, her breaths deeper, more settled. She stared out the window to the world outside of her misery.She sighed once as she pondered what she would do for the next hour, and the hour after that & tomorrow & the following days, weeks, years ahead...That atonement would she really ever know if he was really, truly and deeply sorry?Or was it only words?Words can be strung together like pearls to create phrases of timeless beauty and joy or they can be hurled artlessly, barbarically like rocks aimed to bruise & batter their target with the blunt edge of humiliation.“He who does not trust enough, Will not be trusted.” - Lao Tzu -Secrets, lies, truth... makes me stop the pecking of my fingers and ponder.In an increasingly morally relativistic time, it seems that what is a lie and what is a truth would depend on the individual's position in the universe...Like this explanation of Newton's laws of motion and gravity, a point of departure for Einstein, beautifully and simply described by the master himself, Stephen Hawking which I will paraphrase because, dammit, my copy of A Brief History of Time is in storage along with a gazillion other things & I can't find the quote on Google:Imagine you're on a train thats going 60 mph and you are bouncing a ping pong ball on the table. Imagine, too, that there is an observer outside on the train tracks parallel to the train watching you bounce that ball.The first bounce it appears to you both landed at point A.Now you are on that fast moving train when the ball hits the table for the second bounce, it appears to you to hit in almost the exact same spot.To that outside observer standing relatively motionless on the side of the train tracks, that ball traveling at a speed of 60 miles an hour away from his point of view has bounced some 20 feet apart.You see, it all depends on where you are & how fast you are moving when you make these observations. This is a physical reality.The implications are important, according to Hawking. "It means that we cannot determine whether two events that took place at different times occurred in the same position in space," he writes in A Brief History of Time.Indeed, Newton was worried about the implications of his own work because it meant that the lack of absolute position, or an absolute point in space, did not fit in with his idea of an absolute God.Fast forward 250 years, to the time of Albert Einstein, and now carry out a similar experiment on a fast-moving train but this time using a flashlight rather than a ping-pong ball. The light shining from the flashlight also travels through space. Again the two observers would disagree on the distance the light has travelled.The same can be said for two people speaking the truth.But, like Newton, I'm old-fashioned. I prefer to believe in absolute truth.Not some trumped up version of it based on the relative position mentally of the two observers.There is usually only one set of facts when it comes to describing a personal occurrence. Interpretations of those facts may vary, according to the prejudices and allegiances of those doing the interpreting. We cannot remove that factor from the equation. However, it does not change that an absolute truth is based on the subset of the occurrences.Some would say I lack compassion because I choose to dispassionately assess a situation. This is oversimplification of a complex process.I agree compassion, and I will go even further and say empathy, is a desirable quality in all human beings.How do we define it?How do we qualify it?For in compassion for the some , we may be showing disregard for the other.If, for example, we show undue compassion for someone who is hellbent on the destruction of the innocent others, are we not disregarding the many for the one?What price then our compassion?You might be hard pressed to believe this of me because of my seemingly confident and strident manner, but my sense of empathy, my ability to feel the pain of others is so highly acute that there are time I feel it might cost me my sanity.Who does that benefit?Not the people I am trying desperately to help through their darkest times. No, I submit to you when there are those malicious, malevolent few who would rather see the destruction of beauty because they themselves are incapable of it then I say, I must do my best to override my instincts & harden my heart & strike them down before they can spew their venom & destroy such tender beauty.If in the fight I am destroyed then so be it!At least I would have died valiantly for the good cause.To those burdened by a terrible knowledge of a secret, I say this:I firmly believe that while we should lean on our friends, we should never bleed all over them. It really is too much of a burden to put on any one individual who is not a priest or a psychiatrist. These people are trained to handle the worst aspects of human nature, most of the rest of us are not. Probably not fair but it happens to me that people confess their dirty little secrets.Again, I say unfair, but it is what it is and you cannot control other people's actions.I am of two minds (what else is knew? :( it's hard for me not to try to think of all possible scenarios & considerations before opining).If the person is either, a murderer or a professional whose conduct may bring others in real harm's way (real harm meaning mortal danger for the purposes of this response) then, yes, it is morally imperative that you reveal what you know to the proper authorities. There isn't even a question of why but when. It must be done, no matter who this person is.Now, if they are merely morally lax (stealing, embezzling, etc.) then I would first let them know, I knew.To give them a chance to make reparations. If however, they staunchly deny that which you know to be true, & refuse to make restitution, then again, I report them because while embezzlement or fraud isn' t murder, it is most certainly harmful to the collective group & society demands that we make people especially those with fiduciary duties conform to certain standards of decency.People are relying on their honesty, therefore they must be honest.Rightfully so, how else to keep the natural animal instincts at bay?Now, if we are talking on the more personal realm, here it is a matter of the heart here is where things can get dicey. There are things that we turn a blind eye to that perhaps we shouldn't.I know that when I have personal knowledge of an infidelity of any kind, sexual or even just lack of faith in a platonic relationship, I tend to shun the perpetrator, unless I know that even greater harm may result if I stand by & do nothing. Then I am impelled to try to rectify the situation. Should I? Is it my affair? Well, it is if you tell me about it. If I happen to find about it, then I do my best to ignore which again means avoiding all contact with that person unless it is a case of emergency & they really need me. Any person in need may rely on me. It is just a little code I feel I must follow; so long as the need for help does not advance the sinister cause of their original distress. So long as it is a plea for forgiveness & an honest desire for atonement then I must forgive. Who am I not to?What's the moral of this overly long tale?I'm not exactly sure but I think the truth shall set ye free!I don't know that I helped. I probably didn't, but there it is.As to the truth, itself, and our interpretations of sin, how we are able to come to grips with that which we feel we should be penitent for I feel is again, not easily defined but there is the higher moral imperative to be considered.This definition of sin, it is a hairy conundrum.Morality has, unfortunately, become in modern times increasingly relativistic.Einstein, Freud in the early 20th century, turned the world upside down.Now, I do believe in absolutes.In an absolute good, like sunshine and an absolute evil like AIDS.As to the sunshine... without it there would be no life on Earth. None. So I believe it is absolutely good. It is not the sun's fault that we do not respect it or ourselves enough to take the necessary precautions before basking in its glory. It is like the Kabbalah. When these mystics of the word attempt to know the word of God without adequate preparation, they lose their minds... is it because the word is not absolutely pure or is it because those who seek communion with it were too reckless? The empathy that AIDS might trigger can be triggered from far deadlier menaces, so yeah, I in my stubborn way will call it absolutely evil because its intent is to mutate and kill, nothing else.There are many examples of both that I am sure you are far more qualified than I to opine on, however, in this that you so simply provide an equation for:"I think sin = being intentionally hurtful, and that's to others or to self."I wholeheartedly agree.While you and I all have been assured that the way to Hell is paved with good intentions (& perhaps it is, I cannot in all good conscience absolutely refute that contention) I think that, if (& for argument's sake, let us say say I believe in an omniscient being which you know I don't, but let's pretend that I do) God were omniscient & a truly forgiving God as he is painted to be in the New Testament through his son, the Christ, then he could see into my clean shiny soul & forgive that which was well-intended even if it failed miserably in its good intent.Here is where religion fails us, sometimes, with it's stringency.Yet, I myself, an atheist, am guilty of being overly stringent & strident when it comes to questions of morality, humanity and decency.In my case, however, it is the very, very bad things (those true mortal sins like murder, attempted murder, or envy that is so strong it seeks to destroy that which it envies) which can be unforgivable and should be stopped, at all costs when the innocent many are in danger from the venomous few.Where do you stand on these monumental questions of secrets, lies & truth?What course of action are you willing to take or should one be willing to take to fight for what one believes to be true?Is there a knowable absolute truth?Or is it all just relative?Do you believe in relative morality?That society should have one set of rules for certain people and another set of rules for others?Or shouldn't we all be made to play with the same deck of cards, by the same guidelines, no matter what life experiences we have had that might skew our thinking?What is right and what is wrong is often been termed as being relative to the situation, the culture, the individual society. But I don't buy that kind of moral relativism. It leads to atrocities against mankind that the perpetrators of hate use to justify their malice. Did Einst​ein'​​​​​​​s theor​ies destr​oy Manki​nd'​​​​​​​s moral​ compa​ss?​​​​​​​ Is it reall​y all relative? relat​ive?​​ Are there​ no absol​ute truth​s?​​​​​​​ Or are we just too narci​ssist​ic to see ourse​lves as we truly​ are? Tags:all things considered, something better left alone, the nothing, what i meant to say, wrapped up in thingsLocation:Saying things you may take the wrong wayMood:calmMusic:ONE - by U2 "Should we all confess our sins to one another we would all laugh at one another for our lack of originality. Should we all reveal our virtues we would also laugh for the same reason."-Khalil Gibran, Sand and Foam_------------------------------I'm sad about things I don't know how to fix. I'm sad because I didn't know it was broken.Tags:friends, quote, the gap is from you, the nothing, weLocation:headed outMood:blue Lyrics:I don't know what I've doneOr if I like what I've begunBut something told me to runAnd honey you know me it's all or noneThere were sounds in my headLIttle voices whisperingThat I should go and this should endOh and I found myself listening'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without youAll I know is that I shouldAnd I don't know if I could stand another hand upon meAll I know is that I should'Cos she will love you more than I couldShe who dares to stand where I stoodSee I thought love was black and whiteThat it was wrong or it was rightBut you ain't leaving without a fightAnd I think I am just as torn inside'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without youAll I know is that I shouldAnd I don't know if I could stand another hand upon meAll I know is that I should'Cos she will love you more than I couldShe who dares to stand where I stoodAnd I won't be far from where you are if ever you should callYou meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at allBut you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to youThis is what I have to do'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without youAll I know is that I shouldAnd I don't know if I could stand another hand upon meAll I know is that I should'Cos she will love you more than I couldShe who dares to stand where I stoodOh, she who dares to stand where I stood Tags:friends, life, love, over it, poptart, the gap is from you, the nothing, truths, we, wisdom, you might be a contenderLocation:Misinformed and wondering whyMood:Misinformed Miles of anticipationhours of anxietiesto see that which left methe greetings come with a smile a hug and a shot to the heartthis isn’t what I leftthis isn’t who you arethese aren’t your friendsand I don’t want them to ever be mineyou used to be better than thisyou used to mean so much moreyou used to cross my mindand make me cryI used to miss being at your sideI used to wake up earlyjust to talk to you in your timeI used to never sleepbecause your life haunted my dreamsI used to think you were importantyou used to make me feel invincibleI used to find all of me in youyou used to soften my heartyou used to help me throughbut you’re goneI guess its my faultso I stand alonecompletely defeatablestanding up for nothingand crying over all of you...crying over nothingand no onebecause obviously I don’t matter to youobviously I don’t run through your mindobviously you really don’t give a fuckbecause you would have believed meand then stood up for that beliefyou would know that I’d tell you my sorrowsjust as fast as I’d tell you my joyyou would know that I don’t hideor at least that’s how it used to bethere are those of you that are still importantthose of you who I know still rememberendless nights of endless laughterbefore poptart the downfall and slaughterthe girl is a fucking liar, criminal, and slut!She makes you look bad ever time she opens her mouthshe has 10 second friendsthat she claims are like her familyshe tries to embrace me in social settingand you lie to me with your smile, questions and commentsabout my current lifemy family is my entire lifeand my real friends come pretty fucking closeif you think this is about youit probably is, and as alwaysyour to blind to seeI loved you. Tags:all things considered, friends, funny, ibar, love, poptart, the gap is from you, the nothing, wbt, well now ya knowLocation:between a rock and a hard placeMood:awakeMusic:love is blind - by Eve you may scratch the surfaceand think that you know who I amand what I believe and stand for_but you’re walking blindly_because I've left you in the darkand I've made no plansto make this scene brighterto let you in even a little bitso please my sunshinesend your light to anotherstop exhausting your brillianceyou are so lovelyand you could do so well_in someone else’s heart_these words are not to be taken in angerbut in love my sunshinefor my willingness to hurt you fadesbut my ability growsalthough I search for a balanceso as to keep you wholeyou refuse to stop walking in the darkeven your luminance is not enoughto lighten these lurid wallsTags:all things considered, cause i'm a bad person, happy like i used to be, love, ragdoll, robeee, t.h.d, the gap is from you, the nothing, voyuerism, we, you might be a contenderMood:Please StayMusic:Father Figure - by George Michael "You cursed brat. Look what you've done. I'm Melting! Melting !,….. Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness."Tags:all things considered, america, analogy, cause i'm a bad person, fan club, poptart, quote, ragdoll, the nothing, these things i know, truths, updates, we, well now ya know, wisdom, workMood:GOODlilGIRLMusic:Novermber Rain - by Gun's N Roses **there are times in life when certain decisions must be made when all you’ve said and what you stand for doesn’t count and doesn’t matter when you have to stand for someone you never thought you’d stand for when suddenly everything is put into perspective and you have 24 hours to make a life changing choice one that affects you for today, or one that takes its toll for years_Odl lay odl lay, odl lay odl lee, odl lay odl leeOdl lay odl lay odl lay**Tags:america, cause i'm a bad person, ragdoll, the gap is from you, the nothing, these things i know, voyuerism, workMood:indescribable Tags:all things considered, analogy, back to me, because that's how i roll, biker, cause i'm a bad person, circles, friends, happy like i used to be, i'm just saying, ibar, life, love, moving on, poptart, robeee, so they say, something better left alone, t.h.d, the gap is from you, the nothing, travel, truths, updates, voyuerism, well now ya know, wisdom, you might be a contenderLocation:The DomicileMood:hopeful And she asks herself, 'Aren't you tired of being the girl who's just there? Will that role of yours ever be changed?' How does one sit on top of the world, when through the eyes of others.. She is just ordinary, and nothing special.She's just there.She's just friends.She's just another girl.Just another friend.Just another ex.Just another.............Tags:cause i'm a bad person, the nothing, voyuerism, well now ya knowLocation:The DomicileMood:ordinaryMusic:What Do I Have To Do - Stabbing Westward Well I guess there are a million things to sayand I could spend the time to personify my thoughtsinto body parts, snow storms, leaves and treesbut I can’t seem to find enough clever wordsto subtly display the sentiments I hold to, for, or against the people with whom I surround myselfsurround and separate. vie spent so much timeconvincing myself that its perfect the way it isit might just be the weather. it may just be timeit may be pointless, but we're all insignificantif I blur my eyes I can see veins through my wordsthis is really just one line followed by anotherwith no fluid thought process, and likely no meaningbut I figure if I can convince blank faces that I am not completely gone...that I wont be.Tags:fan club, something better left alone, the nothing, voyuerismLocation:The DomicileMood:GONEMusic:military fashion show - and one Dear Best friend of 6 years, I’ve been thinking about what happened we both know you wronged me, and not in a little way. And I’m sure you choose me because you thought I would forgive you, but the truth is I don't care. It's between you and the higher ups at this point and at least I don't have to live with being the offending party. You probably will read this last, if you ever read it at all. You were my best friend and things have been amazing with you around. I wouldn't have been able to get threw allot without you there. Your ability to keep me level solely with your presence has been amazing and I'm in your debt. Your place in my reality will maintained it's "highly valued" standing because of all you did help me threw. You've had an awesome effect on me, so hey I don't hate you. But part of being a good friend is about being able to make the better parts of the people you care about shine. So I am looking past what you were trying to do to me, and I’m making changes because of it. So there will be no retaliation coming from me. I wish you all the best in life. (Intent + Will + Actions = your undoing).-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"I feel now how some must have felt then. My history repeats itself but from another angle.Have you ever wondered why in life the bad come out on top and the good lay wasted in the side-alley like the martyred dogs they are, so quick to judge but slow to react to the never-ending pus that infects the city streets and grows in power till it engulfs all and leaves none who remember what life was before the rot set in?What is right and wrong but how those perceive it, anyway, as the fallen look for the light and the risen fight to keep it, it all comes down to wants and survival of the selfish individual who never looks beyond their own little world of fantasies and dreams that will never come true but for the select few who gain it only by greed and black deals that stain their once pure soul with the evils of another twisted reality, turning them into the very thing they once despised and knew were wrong with all their being.When the villains are the heroes and the heroes turn to dust, who will the world turn to but itself, a rotten, mangled shell of a structure built on pain and suffering and kept together by false hope and lies of those who seek to make a better world for those that they want and destroy the rest. What a cruel place we live in where the fallen angel is stripped of their wings, eaten by the privileged and spat out to live their lives in the squalor they fought and fell to protect in the first place. An ironic fate for an ironic purpose, and that is the way life turns in this future of ours. Live for the past, remember the present, and die for the ideals that make no difference in the first place. Tags:moving on, the nothingLocation:The DomicileMood:lovedMusic:Toxic Love - Tim Curry No, there's no angst. I'm perfectly happy with my life at this moment in time, I just got promoted, and that is a wonderful thing. It's in looking toward my future that everything becomes jumbled and unclear. If you asked me at 20 years old what I thought I was going to do with my life, I would have told you that I had put on my big-girl clothes and decided to do something important with international diplomacy and end up a big hot-shot ambassador and save the world.I'm not sure if I suffer from too much ambition or from a complete lack of it. There are so many thing that I want to do. Travel. Language. Anthropology, Government work. Super secret spy / superhero. You know the usual. But there's nothing that has a stronger pull than the others. I just want to be confident that what I'm doing is right. Having reasons doesn't make something right. But having reasons also doesn't make something wrong. There's a difference between easy and right. Nothing is ever apparent until it's too late to think about whether or not the new evidence bears merit. I'm doing the right things. It was, however, the easier option.I think that if money were no object what I'd want to do with my life is travel to places. I want to see everywhere. I want to dance. I want too much. On the off chance there are any secret millionaires on my friends list who were planning on becoming my mysterious benefactor, now would be a good time.On a side note I was reading a while back about how the US recently arrested four Chinese spies. Generally, people are arrested for doing things that people in authority don't want them to be doing. Except, arresting foreigners for spying is a little hypocritical because it's not like the US doesn't do spying of its own. It isn't even a secret. So... why arrest them?So, my theory is this: You are a spy. You get caught in the act of said spying. Since EVERY Country has spies and everybody knows it, there's no point in arresting you. That'd be hypocritical.Ergo: You get caught, and someone pats you on the head, tells you to get a better disguise and identity next time, you get sent back to your headquarters, and you lose ten Spy Points. (What? Everyone knows international spying is a giant multiplayer game. For real)_it’s a perfect plan, no?_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------As for the war in Gaza...... All wars - but this war in particular - tend to be seen in monochrome: good and evil, winner and loser, champion and coward, loyalist and traitor. For most people, the reality of war is not like that, but rather a monotonous gray of discomforts and compromises, with occasional flashes of violent color. War is too Messy to produce easy heroes and villains; there are alwayse brave people on the wrong side, and evil men among the victors, and a mass of perfectly ordinary people struggling to survive and understand in between. Away from the battlefields, ar forces individuals to make impossible choices incircumstances they did not create, and could never have expected. Most accommodate, some collaborate, and a very few find an internal compass they never knew they had, pointing to the right path. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In the mean time I have been wasting time this morning playing this game:http://www.sporcle.com/games/world.phpThis game is hard! You have 15 minutes to name as many nations as you can. There are apparently 195. I've played a few times in the past few hours, and the highest score I can get without cheating is a 173. The nations of Africa continue to elude me.One of my silly goals in life is to be able to name every country and its capital, so this has been fun for me to play!Give it a whirl!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tags:america, law, the nothing, these things i know, travel, workLocation:The DomicileMood:nerdyMusic:Rocket Man - by Elton John Watched the odd 1977 cartoon, wack-out film, "Wizards." Thank you Keith for returning a piece of childhood I never had the opportunity to experience.And now I know that all fairies have large breasts.And I wish I had been born with bone arms.None of what I just said is really important. Or exciting. SO (lol) if you read this little blurb I commend you for sticking through all the way to the end. You are my hero.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYJCDMzdsBgTags:friends, keith, the nothingLocation:Out and AboutMood:indescribableMusic:Good, Bad, Ugly - by Ani Difranco The fact that Ed Hardy stuff is ugly and reminiscent of the wonderful year 2004 when we had to be exposed to shitty Von Dutch crap aside, the slogan “Death before dishonor.” I’m sure the Samurai warriors of Japan are excited that their bushido code is now available at Macy’s especially since that is a phrase that cougars and metrosexuals can really get behind. I prefer to do my cougar shopping at forever 41 anyway. Abercrombie I can smell you from the other side of the mall. Fuck you and your shitty overpriced bland, late nineties clothes. I know a gassing of unisex cologne is important to remind me of my roots as a Varsity Blues cast member, but I’d like to do it without experiencing anaphylaxis. The best thing about abercrombie is their franchise of the popped collar. Never before has it been so easy to recognize a douche! Previously we had to talk to them first. There is a security guard on a segway. The most amazing thing about that is that he has to wear a helmet! If the end of the world comes I’m going to make my post-apocalyptic living selling wheelbarrows as segways. Here is a list of possible things going through his head: -from this height i can totally see down the shirt of that croatian selling lotion. sweet! Tags:the nothingLocation:The DomicileMood:silly "Ideas are more difficult to kill than people, but they can be killed, in the end." --American Gods----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I decide that sometimes definitions are wrong. Even if they're written in a dictionary. Identities aren't always separate and distinct. Sometimes they are wrapped up with others. Sometimes, for a few minutes, maybe they can even be shared. And if I am ever fortunate enough to return, I wonder if they will see that piece of him that is wrapped up in me. I've subjected myself to more emotional and physical trauma than I should have and it was in order to retain some sense of sanity. No, it's not your fault I put myself into harmful situations; that's mine, I've given up too much of myself to be accommodating. I am making a resolution to my own better conduct, in hopes it will find me more rational, more acquainted with myself, and leave me less to regret when things are gone. Tags:back to me, dad, family, the nothing, workLocation:the whore house getting settled inMood:SelfDestructiveMusic:wrong way - sublime As a child one of my favorite cartoons was Batman. Bruce Wayne is Batman; he is a millionaire and lives in the city of Gotham. As a teenager Bruce witnessed his parent’s murder and vowed to avenge their deaths by brining criminals to justice. I admire his determination to do what he promised to do; he used his fortune to study criminology, to train his body to athletic perfection. Used it on high tech vehicles and weapons to fight crime. A real to life version of Batman is John Walsh. Most people know John Walsh as the dedicated host of “America’s Most Wanted.” His search for justice is result of the tragedy struck when Walsh’s six-year-old son, Adam, was abducted and murdered. Coping with death of a loved one is always difficult. But grief from families of murder victims has unique qualities. It’s more profound, more lingering, and more complex. I have lost both my parents. Walsh fought back like few others ever have. He found a positive outlet for his grief, and has passed bills through congress, founded the National center for missing children, and hosts “America’s Most Wanted.” Law Enforcement Officials around the nation have recognized Walsh for his efforts. In 1988 he was named the U.S. Marshal’s Man of the Year, and two years later received the same honor from the FBI, the Bureau’s highest civilian award. Walsh is the only private citizen to receive a Special Recognition Award by the U.S. Attorney General and he’s been honored in the Rose Garden four times by three presidents. Today after 27 years he finally got justice in his own case. I can only imagine the relief he and his family are experiencing.------------------------------------------------------------------ America's Most Wanted Case Closed: Murderer of John Walsh's Son Identified Finally some closure for John Walsh's family.Florida police announced Tuesday that they have solved the murder of the America's Most Wanted host's 6-year-old son Adam, who was abducted and killed in 1981.Authorities said at a news conference that a drifter named Ottis Elwood Toole, who confessed to the crime in 1983 but then recanted before he died in prison in 1996, was responsible. Toole was serving five life sentences for his role in murders committed with serial killer Henry Lee Lucas.Adam disappeared from a shopping mall in Hollywood, Fla., on July 27, 1981. His severed head was discovered two weeks later in Vero Beach, 120 miles away; his body was never found.When Toole initially confessed, investigators had no way to positively identify Adam's DNA from the bloodstained carpet found in Toole's Cadillac. When DNA testing was ordered in 1994, they couldn't locate the car. Hollywood police concluded that Toole was the killer, however, after a thorough review of the case records, a police spokesman said today.Walsh, who helped Congress pass the Missing Children's Act in 1982 and began hosting what is currently Fox's longest-running show in 1988, was at the conference with his wife, Reve, and their three children."For 27 years we've been asking, 'Who could take a 6-year-old boy and murder him and decapitate him? Who?' " Walsh said today. "We needed to know. We needed to know. And today we know.""The not knowing has been torture," he said. "But that journey's over."Tags:family, the nothing, well now ya know, who i used to beLocation:The DomicileMood:rejuvenatedMusic:Mockingbird - By Eminem If I’d done something wrong I would try to make sure to say excuse me Excuse me for looking at you, Excuse me for sitting here, Excuse me for coming back. If I’d done something terribly wrong, I would immediately say sorry! I'm sorry I touched your arm, I didn't mean to, It was an accident, I didn't see it resting there so quietly, so beautifully, so perfectly, so irresistibly, on the edge of the bar, I lost my balance and brushed against it by mistake, I was standing too close, I wasn't watching where I was going, Somebody pushed me from behind, I never wanted to touch you, I have always wanted to touch you, I will never touch you again, I promise, **I swear.....**Tags:biker, cause i'm a bad person, chs, crew 38, fan club, friends, harley, moving on, outlaws, steve, the nothing, updates, well now ya knowLocation:The DomicileMood:contemplativeMusic:Coin-Operated Boy - by The Dresden Dolls “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t” - Erica Jong -One tragedy of life is that nobody will ever comprehend your personal history as you understand it. There’s no way to download your memories in full to somebody else (although, pathetically, we often try). Words are inadequate; and anyway, there’s no audience with the patience to sit through the whole story. Yet we have strong practical reasons for letting other people know how we currently understand ourselves our self-definitions. The only thing that we value in our lives (either individually or collectively) is our experiences. Some of these are valued for their own sake; the others are valued as instruments for providing or enabling experiences. There are only two dimensions to experience: Quality and Quantity. The quality of our lives is measured by the quality of our experiences. One kind of experience, maybe the most important kind, is our feelings. An emotion is the pleasure or displeasure associated with the process of thinking. Any feeling that I call an emotion can be accessed and possibly changed by reflection. An interesting thing about the nature of emotion is that they depend upon our opinion as to what is true, not on what is in fact true. Hunger, for instance, is not an emotion, but still it is a feeling. It is a feeling that one has when one is not nourished in a certain way. It is not an emotion because, believing that one is nourished or changing one’s attitude towards nourishment does not satisfy hunger. Only actual nourishment will satisfy hunger. With every emotion it is our attitude towards reality, not reality itself that is the determiner of emotion. I propose that ‘beliefs’ are an abstraction from the process or activity of believing. Specifically, a belief is an attachment or a probability by a person to a statement which represents the likelihood of truth that the person assigns to the statement. The probability corresponds to the degree that the evidence supports the statement in question. Thus, beliefs may change with new evidence or new reflections upon old evidence. Also, it follows that beliefs come in degrees. Because of ‘beliefs’ relationship to emotions, what this means is that the stronger the belief the stronger the emotion. One cannot choose beliefs, except possibly in the sense of choosing to be in an environment that would promote the belief, a personal deception analogous to self brainwashing. Only one method is recommendable for changing beliefs: Changing one’s awareness of evidence for the belief. This can be done through reflection aimed at reevaluating the strength of the belief or by gathering new evidence. It is important for the sake of clearness of thought about emotions to remind oneself of a distinction between what one wishes to be the case and what one is justified in believing. Hoped-for truths are the major source and force behind self-deception. From roses and poetry to religions and politics we will accept variety in almost anything. But when it comes to Love, each of us believes we know the real thing, and we are reluctant to accept others notions. We disparage other people’s experiences by calling them infatuations, mere sexual flings, and unrealistic affairs. For thousands of years writers and philosophers have debated the nature of love. Many recognized that there are different kinds of love, but few accepted them all as legitimate. There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet which fails so regularly, as love. I think that part of the reason for this failure rate is that too often people are speaking different languages when they speak of love. The problem is not how much love they feel, but which kind. The way to have a mutually satisfying love affair is not to find a partner who loves “in the right amount,” but one who shares the same approach to loving, the same definition of love. Tags:love, the nothing, wbt, well now ya knowLocation:The DomicileMood:loved "she's choking on the smokeof unthinkable choicesshe is haunted by the voicesof so many desiresshe's bent over from the businessof begging forgivenesswhile frantically running aroundputting out firesbut then what kind of scalecompares the weight of two beautiesthe gravity of dutiesor the ground speed of joy?tell me what kind of gaugecan quantify elation?what kind of equationcould I possibly employ?"Tags:downsize, home, law, moving on, quote, so they say, the nothing, these things i know, workLocation:The DomicileMood:distressedMusic:CANDLE IN THE WIND - BY ELTON JOHN "I quite agree with you. And the moral of that is: Be what you would seem to be, or if you'd like it put more simply: Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."_- Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carrol –_Tags:back to me, happy like i used to be, looking back, quote, the nothing, who i used to beLocation:The DomicileMood:fatMusic:Watching the movie Amelie And he says to me "let's just be friends"my whole love life flashes before mein white lines of nothingness, oderless and colorlessand intoxicatingIt's always been "let's just be friends"No one looks deep anymoreeveryone sees covers like people are magazinesIf the cover model isn't airbrushed to artificial perfectionno one would buy itand it would sit on the shelf in a store somewhereA momentum of superficial American Cultureno one looks for an alternative definition of beautyBeauty is not something you can put in a categoryBeauty isn't about eyesit's about hearts and souls and mindsand people are so quick to judge beautyand make it into a perfectly compact little piece of perfectionbut it wont fitand I'll be like that magazinegathering dustdespite my fucking brilliant articlesTags:analogy, back to me, friends, happy like i used to be, i'm just saying, love, the nothing, truths, voyuerism, wbt, wisdomLocation:cold and can't sleepMood:envious "I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends.. You still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade." (Iris, The Holiday)It's like, dipping yourself in an ocean of piranhas...Knowing that there were piranhas in the first place.She inhales the rest of the subsided feeling of no longer concerning... It seems as though honesty is the bond that can keep everything together, whether it is known or not of what's really in the interior of things that we have yet to know. It's what I call "indulging the moment". It's been a long time feeling this way of (or perhaps) a strong infatuation - a very potent one, in particular. I know not to expect anything more or less from it, but even so my guard is usually up. It is because of the fact that we've gone through allot in the first place - and this... Fresh, new, and different start flung me out of balance. It's not about sympathy though - but it's about our connection, our knowledge and understanding of each other (in my case, I think I understand him more than he understands me).The smoke, it lingers on my finger-tips, my sweater, my jeans, on me. It leaves the smell of curiosity, of relief, of trouble. I want to exhale away all the hurt, just like that. Unfortunately, life cannot be so simple. Can you even make it simple at allPerhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone there to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone there who can understand what we are saying, in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved. It's a silent pain. Probably one of the deadliest. Everyone loathes it, but between itself and I. I probably hold the greatest enmity toward it. There's no changing what I feel about it, but in time with a few more scrapes and bruises.. I may start to realize that there is more to what it is, and see it as something I can learn to love instead. How does one sit on top of the world, when through the eyes of others.. She is just ordinary, and nothing special. You never know when the ride ends; all you know is that, you don't want it to end. You just want it to keep moving. However you can control they way you reacted to it. With this said, you can either make a situation better or worse by the way you act; because with every situation you are expected on a response of some sort.? What's funny is that, today, I'm feeling quite, blank. Like a sheet of white paper. I feel like writing something on it, drawing, doodling; anything to fill it up. But nothing comes to mind. I decide to pick up the pen, I drew a heart. I stop there. A heart? Why of all things a heart? Something I've been lacking for so long? I scribble on top of the heart, black, and dark. Till you couldn't see the heart any more, but just this big black circle in the middle of the page. Tags:back to me, happy like i used to be, moving on, so they say, the nothing, well now ya knowLocation:SumterMood:contentMusic:hang - by matchbox 20 Tags:the nothingLocation:The DomicileMood:restlessMusic:"Across The Universe" The skeletons are safer in the closet, though at times they come out and bother us. There was no way he could have come to Florida and not stop in and attempted a reconciliation. He knew he had found one, and he couldn't let her go at any cost. She must not get away, she couldn't get away, she was his, and had been for years. Looking into her green eyes, he could taste of her worth. She couldn't sense it, and it sealed her fate.The poorly lit conditions made her hair look slightly demonic. Grasping her hand, he noticed the special care that had been taken in the way her nails were painted; and smiled at the thought that he was worth the trouble. She should have suspected what was next, but nevertheless nothing could have prepared her. She knew who he was, and was all too familiar with his habits. Yet, she cared for him anyway, and he loved her, in a way she had never know love before. And before she knew what was going on, she found her mouth on his. They kissed as if they were starved for something, striving to find it through their mouths. His hands outstretched, fingertips bore deep. Muscles tighten in her body and she arched her back, a silent scream exploded in her brain. As his fingers ran up and down her like a piano.She saw her reflection in his thoughts. They had both lost their innocence long before that night, and discarded their dreams somewhere threw time . The boundary between reality and wonder shares common ground with the point where the sky and sea meet. She will forget this day tomorrow, only to return here again for another moment of peace and tranquility in a world that doesn't know what gentle is or why you would search for it. She knew She'd been here before, but she couldn't remember enough to have an impact on her life or to change the way she does things. He's like a constant deja vu. She doesn't need him but she wants him here with her. "Our time together," he said "has more meaning than anything else in the world." And as he stood looking at her... His creation, he now understood it all. He put himself into her and made her his mural and no one could ever change that. It was there. Forever. His love, his hate, his fears, his feelings, his confusion, his everything, was there on her easel. There was also a new light that he saw shines within her. It flowed in all directions to keep her in touch with every aspect of herself instead of just flowing in one linear current with no real obstacle. Years had washed a piece of her soul away in its turbulence but returned it to her in an ebb of emotions she deemed lost.The confusion cremates itself, leaving behind the ashes of its uncertainty and a new foundation for growth. the transparency of her eyes were like twisting stained glass revealing a kaleidoscope of emotions. In a world behind her eyes, where a dozen tiny ships drift every word he ever uttered, to the shores of security. Writing their lies upon time and much more. He feed off her love because it would always be there. Her mind drifted and she remembered a women she'd met once who said "Honey, time is what you've got. He ain't never gonna take that from you. Your going to suprise us all one day, and then he'll say "I knew her when...." She kept the advice wrapped delicately in a fragile box under her arm, treasured, even if it was not yet appreciated. She turned to see how far she had come, and saw thousands of tiny stains where her tears dried and eroded.The door to the past stands painfully before her like an arbiter with his judgment. She saw that this door is what kept her there. She has been afraid to leave all she's ever known and seen. Standing so close to freedom, but bound to the life she'd known. She had been holding onto her faith, and when she died inside she was absolutely sure where she was going. It was about being locked in and holding the key in her hand, so afraid to let go and step out of his and her asylum. It would be an asylum for as long as she lived, but not as long as she died. She knew they would be together forever, but always apart, bonded strangers, friendly enemies. Remembering it all opened wounds, only to close the initial one.The offspring that came of this root would wither and decay at the loss of their foundation. She looked at the door only to discover it had not been a journey with regression, but with a far more deceptive kind of healing -- healing that allows looking backwards as a means for moving towards the creation of wings.Tags:back to me, looking back, love, moving on, the nothing, truths, voyuerism, well now ya know, wisdomLocation:The DomicileMood:accomplishedMusic:Sleeps with Butterflies - Tori Amos Top of Page | | 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