renee9894, posts by tag: wbt - LiveJournal (original) (raw)
| | Looking back at me I seeThat I never really got it rightI never stopped to think of youI'm always wrapped up inThings I cannnot winYou are the antidote that gets me bySomething strongLike a drug that gets me highWhat I really meant to sayIs I'm sorry for the way I amI never meant to be so cold to youAnd I'm sorry about all the liesMaybe in a different lightYou could see me stand on my own againCause now i can seeYou were the antidote that got me bySomething strong like a drug that got me highI never meant to be so coldI never really wanted you to seeThe screwed up side of me that I keepLocked inside of me so deepIt always seems to get to meI never really wanted you to goSo many things you should have knownI guess for me theres just no hopeI never meant to be so coldTags:all things considered, cause i'm a bad person, crew 38, friends, keith, ragdoll, robeee, steve, t.h.d, wbt, what i meant to say, work, wrapped up in thingsLocation:bike weekMood:calm
Music:Broken Like an Angel - by Dollybraid Miles of anticipationhours of anxietiesto see that which left methe greetings come with a smile a hug and a shot to the heartthis isn’t what I leftthis isn’t who you arethese aren’t your friendsand I don’t want them to ever be mineyou used to be better than thisyou used to mean so much moreyou used to cross my mindand make me cryI used to miss being at your sideI used to wake up earlyjust to talk to you in your timeI used to never sleepbecause your life haunted my dreamsI used to think you were importantyou used to make me feel invincibleI used to find all of me in youyou used to soften my heartyou used to help me throughbut you’re goneI guess its my faultso I stand alonecompletely defeatablestanding up for nothingand crying over all of you...crying over nothingand no onebecause obviously I don’t matter to youobviously I don’t run through your mindobviously you really don’t give a fuckbecause you would have believed meand then stood up for that beliefyou would know that I’d tell you my sorrowsjust as fast as I’d tell you my joyyou would know that I don’t hideor at least that’s how it used to bethere are those of you that are still importantthose of you who I know still rememberendless nights of endless laughterbefore poptart the downfall and slaughterthe girl is a fucking liar, criminal, and slut!She makes you look bad ever time she opens her mouthshe has 10 second friendsthat she claims are like her familyshe tries to embrace me in social settingand you lie to me with your smile, questions and commentsabout my current lifemy family is my entire lifeand my real friends come pretty fucking closeif you think this is about youit probably is, and as alwaysyour to blind to seeI loved you. Tags:all things considered, friends, funny, ibar, love, poptart, the gap is from you, the nothing, wbt, well now ya knowLocation:between a rock and a hard placeMood:awakeMusic:love is blind - by Eve 
Music:Underneath It All - by No Doubt 
I want to express so many things but all I've found is seventeen ways to say nothing.I want to be happy but I haven't been miserable enough to make itI want to be spiritualbut I haven't been materialistic enough to find itI want to be compassionatebut I haven't been selfish enough to realize itI oscillate like the cycles of the moon between superhero, sycophant and corrupt criminalbetween love, hate, and indifferencebetween knowing, not knowing and not caringbetween self-love and self-loathingbetween sociopath and samaritanbetween the joy of being alive and the pain of being alivehappy to be here, and yethappy to move on, Tags:moving on, wbtLocation:The DomicileMood:embarrassed
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t” - Erica Jong -One tragedy of life is that nobody will ever comprehend your personal history as you understand it. There’s no way to download your memories in full to somebody else (although, pathetically, we often try). Words are inadequate; and anyway, there’s no audience with the patience to sit through the whole story. Yet we have strong practical reasons for letting other people know how we currently understand ourselves our self-definitions. The only thing that we value in our lives (either individually or collectively) is our experiences. Some of these are valued for their own sake; the others are valued as instruments for providing or enabling experiences. There are only two dimensions to experience: Quality and Quantity. The quality of our lives is measured by the quality of our experiences. One kind of experience, maybe the most important kind, is our feelings. An emotion is the pleasure or displeasure associated with the process of thinking. Any feeling that I call an emotion can be accessed and possibly changed by reflection. An interesting thing about the nature of emotion is that they depend upon our opinion as to what is true, not on what is in fact true. Hunger, for instance, is not an emotion, but still it is a feeling. It is a feeling that one has when one is not nourished in a certain way. It is not an emotion because, believing that one is nourished or changing one’s attitude towards nourishment does not satisfy hunger. Only actual nourishment will satisfy hunger. With every emotion it is our attitude towards reality, not reality itself that is the determiner of emotion. I propose that ‘beliefs’ are an abstraction from the process or activity of believing. Specifically, a belief is an attachment or a probability by a person to a statement which represents the likelihood of truth that the person assigns to the statement. The probability corresponds to the degree that the evidence supports the statement in question. Thus, beliefs may change with new evidence or new reflections upon old evidence. Also, it follows that beliefs come in degrees. Because of ‘beliefs’ relationship to emotions, what this means is that the stronger the belief the stronger the emotion. One cannot choose beliefs, except possibly in the sense of choosing to be in an environment that would promote the belief, a personal deception analogous to self brainwashing. Only one method is recommendable for changing beliefs: Changing one’s awareness of evidence for the belief. This can be done through reflection aimed at reevaluating the strength of the belief or by gathering new evidence. It is important for the sake of clearness of thought about emotions to remind oneself of a distinction between what one wishes to be the case and what one is justified in believing. Hoped-for truths are the major source and force behind self-deception. From roses and poetry to religions and politics we will accept variety in almost anything. But when it comes to Love, each of us believes we know the real thing, and we are reluctant to accept others notions. We disparage other people’s experiences by calling them infatuations, mere sexual flings, and unrealistic affairs. For thousands of years writers and philosophers have debated the nature of love. Many recognized that there are different kinds of love, but few accepted them all as legitimate. There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet which fails so regularly, as love. I think that part of the reason for this failure rate is that too often people are speaking different languages when they speak of love. The problem is not how much love they feel, but which kind. The way to have a mutually satisfying love affair is not to find a partner who loves “in the right amount,” but one who shares the same approach to loving, the same definition of love. Tags:love, the nothing, wbt, well now ya knowLocation:The DomicileMood:loved I had some good conversations at IBar the last two Sundays the first with Peggy and the second with Anna. I am so glad that we talked, I’m even happy that I was a little tipsy during the conversation, a sober me would have held back. I think it was therapeutic for me to get to spill out my innermost thoughts and feelings. You’d never have the slightest clue what your words did for me because it was something that cannot be seen by the eye alone. You just…. Made me feel good. Thank you both.Tags:friends, ibar, truths, wbt, wisdomMood:thankfulMusic:Life Is Beautiful - by Sixx AM 
And he says to me "let's just be friends"my whole love life flashes before mein white lines of nothingness, oderless and colorlessand intoxicatingIt's always been "let's just be friends"No one looks deep anymoreeveryone sees covers like people are magazinesIf the cover model isn't airbrushed to artificial perfectionno one would buy itand it would sit on the shelf in a store somewhereA momentum of superficial American Cultureno one looks for an alternative definition of beautyBeauty is not something you can put in a categoryBeauty isn't about eyesit's about hearts and souls and mindsand people are so quick to judge beautyand make it into a perfectly compact little piece of perfectionbut it wont fitand I'll be like that magazinegathering dustdespite my fucking brilliant articlesTags:analogy, back to me, friends, happy like i used to be, i'm just saying, love, the nothing, truths, voyuerism, wbt, wisdomLocation:cold and can't sleepMood:envious
There are a hundred different ways to hold someone's hand. There are the ways you hold a child's hand, the ways you hold a friend's hand, the ways you hold an elderly parent's hand, the ways you hold the hands of the departing and of the dying. The way a man holds the hand of a woman he adores, with all that excitement passing into his grip, as though the interlinking of fingers symbolizes every intimacy.i am a girli have a heartand lungs and veinsthey are all wrapped in skinthere is a box somewhereit holds the missing pieces of meor maybe its a set of handsthat just need to peel awaythe layers of callousnessmaybe i wouldnt be so blindingi am not who i ami have a huge heartthat I let no one enteri always say i dont need lovebut when i go to bedi lay awake...wishing there was someoneto hold me, and make me feel unstoppablei am independent_which makes me empty_i want to be someones favorite foodthe person they always want to be nearand the girl they can't get off their mindthe person who makes them feel invinciblewho brings them to a placethey didnt know was reali want someone to feed off everythingeverything that is mei want to make the people around mefeel an amazing sense of warmthi want to be someones role modelsomeone that a little girlwants to grow up to bei want to speak different languagesi want to play six instruments_i want to leave behind a legacy_i want to see six continentsmultiple timesi want to be approchablei want someone to pull me outfrom insidei want everything revealedi want to be more in touch with the worldwith the news and historythat is being unfolded around mei want to show people the worldfrom my point of viewi want to drink coffeeand talk about the emotionsthat people are afraid to feeli want to write bookswith pages that display the souli want to feel like homeno matter where i ami want to change peoples livesbut only for the best reasonsi want to be as free spiritedas life will possibly allowi want to transcend the limit of thoughti want to be rawi want someone to seewhat is under my skini want my own soundtrackto display how i feel all the timeand it wont be audiblebut it will be apparenti want to stick to the roof of your mouthi want to be what you cant get out of your teeththat thing that when its goneyou suddenly miss itand realize why it was therei want to hold everyone in tearsand make them feel like the worldbelongs to themthat despite their lack of controleverything can still be finei want my memories to be snapshotscandid moments that should re..cru..desce like a diseasethat fills the body with ecstasyi want to feel like im walking on thoughtsthat spill out of me onto the sidewalkand carry me from one instant to anotheri want to be full of loveinstead of filled with solicitudeand i want to cover everyonewith that passion inside my corei really just wantwhat everyone dreamsbecause i have nightmaresand i cant want what i see in sleepi want to grow old with someonewith that person who could get me through everythingand i want my funeral to be cel..e..bra..to..ryin memory of everyone i lovedand all the things i loved to doi want people to be happy when im gonenot because im gonebut because ill be in an amazing placewhere i can be all these thingsand so much more i still want to have the abilityto make people smileeven when im gone._i want to be passionate_Tags:happy like i used to be, looking back, love, moving on, wbtLocation:The DomicileMood:confused
Music:Hand me Down, Matchbox 20 Dear Anime Subculture, Umm. No, it’s cool really. It’s just that... I saw this anime once where this guy cut off his penis and put on a magic one and then started having sex with people but when he did the person would get sucked into the penis and then it would get bigger till it was the size of Tokyo and it had an eye on the end and I cant even remember how he was having sex with people after his penis was that big...so yeah, can we talk about this? Renee Tags:hate mail, movie, wbt, well now ya knowLocation:The DomicileMood:amused
Tags:funny, movie, wbt, well now ya knowLocation:The DomicileMood:dorky Maybe I'm Right.... Or I could be wrong.... Or maybe just my interpretation is wrong because of the lack of information....Crazy and unexpected things happen when you shove everyones' self-projections into one place. It's like a big bowl of Narcissistic Gumbo. Ew.Tags:fan club, happy like i used to be, life, wbtLocation:The DomicileMood:blank
Music:Playboy Mommy - by Tori Amos Disappointment: noun. Unhappiness caused by the failure of one's hopes, desires, or expectations. 'For Disappointments, that come not by our own Folly, they are the Tryals or Corrections of Heaven: And it is our own Fault, if they prove not our Advantage.'--- _William Penn_Tags:looking back, love, something better left alone, truths, voyuerism, wbt, wisdomLocation:The DomicileMood:disappointed
Music:Ani DiFranco - Sorry I Am | Scrobbled by Last.fm Tags:love, moving on, wbt, well now ya knowLocation:Dirty JerseyMood:indifferent
Music:Sleeps with Butterflies - Tori Amos 
Tags:friends, truths, wbt, we, well now ya know, wisdomLocation:Dirty JerseyMood:flirty
Last night I went for a walk along the waterfront. Apocalyptic clouds were hanging over the harbor, and I thought of the Nothing from The Never Ending Story.But after they started to pass they left the sky so brilliantly clear. The Heat in the air became something you could see, taste, not just feel. Constellations that I didn't even know I could recognize gleamed out, obvious and intentional. And I thought what an incredibly romantic moment I was in. It was so perfect. But like so many romantic moments in my life, they only seem to come when I'm alone. Tags:friends, looking back, love, truths, wbtLocation:The DomicileMood:disappointedMusic:Paper Bag - Fiona Apple Sometimes it seems I'll never fully understand or be able to accept with grace the loneliness of the spirit that comes with shattering clarity from some secret place deep within my heart. Why do I so desperately need?Why is the rain storm in the darkest of night more valid than the promise of the warmth of tomorrow's sun? Is it because the things that are intangible have more substance than the material things of this world? If only this were true, then I will know that nothing I wish to keep can ever be lost again. For surely memories and love are intangible; and if they are part of my today, then today will be part of my tomorrow.We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first boy I ever loved was someone I knew in grammar school. The last man I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count.But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe nine or ten of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all this; there is always one person who you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable.This is the individual who embodies your personal definition of love. The person is real, and the feelings are real--but you create the context. And context is everything.The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. "But that person still wins.”_They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else." (Chuck Klosterman)_My fear is such that I dare not look too closely or to far ahead; just continue moment to moment and hope.I have to leave for work; I will finish this blog later, maybe. Maybe not it hurts too much to think about it all now, my mind can be worse then the truth sometimesDid I disappoint you or let you down? Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown? 'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun, Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won. So I took what's mine by eternal right. Took your soul out into the night. It may be over but it won't stop there, I am here for you if you'd only care. You touched my heart you touched my soul. You changed my life and all my goals. And love is blind and that I knew when, My heart was blinded by you. I've kissed your lips and held your head. Shared your dreams and shared your bed. I know you well, I know your smell. I've been addicted to you. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. I am a dreamer but when I wake, You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take. And as you move on, remember me, Remember us and all we used to be I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile. I've watched you sleeping for a while. I'd be the father of your child. I'd spend a lifetime with you. I know your fears and you know mine. We've had our doubts but now we're fine, And I love you, I swear that's true. I cannot live without you. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. And I still hold your hand in mine. In mine when I'm asleep. And I will bear my soul in time, When I'm kneeling at your feet. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.Tags:fan club, friends, looking back, love, moving on, voyuerism, wbt, well now ya know, wisdomLocation:The DomicileMood:disappointedMusic:shadowbox - by fiona Apple I stopped at my God Daughters house yesterday, and she was working on her science project, you know the one…… that’s right..., the solar system! Complete with Styrofoam balls, paint, and glitter. I was admiring her work when it hit me,“your missing a planet!” I said. She counted and replied “no I’m not.” I thought for a minuet and, asked her to tell me the names of the planets. She named them off 1 by 1…… All but Pluto. When I asked her “what about Pluto?” she smirked and laughed a little, Then informed me that Pluto isn’t considered a planet anymore. WTF? So what you’re telling me is that the International Astronomical Union – who somehow found the time amidst intergalactic meetings with the Jedi Council (That’s right people you can thank WBT for catching me up with the rest of civilized society, and making me watch Star Wars….. I’ll blog more on this once I see the rest of the Epic.) – Voted Pluto out of the group of planets!?!Pluto! Something I’ve always known to be true just isn’t true anymore. Think of all the millions of books, posters, modals, mnemonic devices that are now just all a waste of material.It’s jarring. I mean….. 4 x 4 is 16, the earth is round, yellow and blue make green, you start a sentence with a capital letter. Pluto is the farthest “PLANET” from the sun. The vowels are A E I O U, Sure they were fuzzy about Y’s standing, but hey, they were honest about it. If the Intergalactic Union on the Alphabet decided that Y was now and evermore, not a vowel. I wouldn’t be shocked. I wouldn’t feel knocked off my axis. I mean, we all saw that one coming.Tags:analogy, i'm just saying, truths, wbt, well now ya knowLocation:The DomicileMood:mischievous
Music:SuperNova - Oasis I was standing in line at Walgreen's around 30min ago. I started listening to the song on the pa because there was nothing else to do, and I actually listened to the words to a song from a group that I had been avoiding for a long time. This was the snippet I heard: "I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you did, as long as you love me." At first blush it appears to be your everyday cheesily romantic song, but suddenly I realized what these 'Backstreet' Boys (their words) were talking about. This song is about the members' undying love of hookers. Just think about it. "I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you did, as long as you love me."Anyway......In other news;I am ridiculously excited with all that is happening, between my New/old Job offer, thinking about where I want to move and all the pros/cons of it all. And I have found someone I really enjoy spending time with, I think I'm ready to love again. Because I'm still learning about this person it has allowed for a base level of familiarity between us, while preserveing the oppertunity and excitement every time we meet. None of It seems real to me yet. So I'm playing it all by ear and trying not to over think anything. I've been focused on downsizing my things, and I am doing well with it. I have gone through a ton of stuff. And either thrown it out, donated it to Good Will, or found a new home for most my things. For example I am giving away the chairs on my porch, I soaked the seat & hand washed the seat covers, and hung them to dry last night. Now I just have to bring them over.It's almost 3:00 on Labor day, I just got out of the shower, and don't know what the plans for tonight are, so I'm getting off the computer before it gets any later. Tags:downsize, happy like i used to be, love, moving on, wbtLocation:The DomicileMood:flirtyMusic:Meet Virginia - by train Top of Page |
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