Chapter 5 (original) (raw)

Rating: PG-13
Word count: 2537
Characters: Everybody, and then some.
Spoilers: character spoilers for the whole run of the show
Summary: The zombie gang gains two questionable allies.
Disclaimer: If we said we owned anything, we'd likely be tossed into the Nottingham Dungeons. Which'd be all right, since Robs is there a lot... *ponders*

CHAPTER FIVE

Out steps Zombie Davina, a zombie snake round her neck. Vaizey holds out his hand to her, which she takes when she's descended the stairs close enough.

She smirks at Zombie Robs, and if that was creepy before... well, we've covered that part of zombiehood. ;) "Hello, Pretty Boy," she sneers.

"What's happening?" the muffled voice of Zombie Carter calls, from where The Head is tucked under the guard's armpit.

"'What's happening?'" Zombie Davina mocks. "Well, my lovely, my zombie babies are about to eat your friends for dinner."

"Robin," Zombie Will murmurs. "We can't really be eaten by zombie snakes, can we?"

A baffled look on his face, Robin shakes his head slowly, in part because it's what he'd do, anyway, and in part to keep it in place. "I have no idea," he mutters.

The Sheriff has somehow overheard all of this; apparently, zombie voices carry. He grins at them excitedly. "Let's find out, shall we?"

And a hoarde of zombie snakes come out of the castle, at the slithering equivalent of a shuffle, across the courtyard and toward the gang.

Zombie Robs shoots one in half with an arrow, but unfortunately, both halves just keep right on slither-shuffling towards them.

"Well," he says. "That's half my plan exhausted."

"What was the other half?" asks Zombie Guy.

"What other half? That was your job." Zombie Robs gives Zombie Guy a look that clearly says, "I have only ever come up with half of a plan, and it would be entirely stupid of you to assume otherwise"...yep, he said all that with a look.

"Not bein' funny, could you try that with a flamin' arrow, Robin?"

Zombie Robs, Zombie Guy, Zombie GKR, Zombie Maz, and...all the other Zombie Gang members look at Allan, hope on their faces. It might just work...

Zombie Robs nods. "All right, let's try that."

Zombie Djaq starts a fire with her magnifying glass, and Zombie Robs just happens to have an arrow that's lightable in his quiver. There's still some oil in between the cobblestones from the time he sparred with Allan-- ah, memories,-- and the zombie snakes are right overtop it now. Zombie Robs aims carefully and fires...

...which works great! With a WHOOSH, the zombie snakes are encased in flames!

And Zombie Robs's arms have fallen off with the effort of using the bow, but that's all right-- Zombie Maz helps him pop them back on. He'd have done it himself, but as Much pointed out a long time ago, he can't cut off one arm if he's already cut off the other (well, this is the same principle in reverse, anyway).

Zombie Davina is wailing about her zombie babies, and Vaizey's watching the action, blinking, unbelieving that his plan has failed yet again.

The thugs let loose a cry and swarm toward the zombie gang.

Amidst the chaos, another royal caravan arrives. Prince John peers out of his carriage window. "What on earth is going on?" he demands, to no one in particular. When he doesn't get a reply, he disembarks, right in the middle of it all. As he steps out of the carriage, Prince John realises he is being completely ignored. He exclaims with a pout, "Does nobody love me?!"

His only reply is a stray arrow from one of the many leather-clad thugs, imbedding itself in his chest.

Needless to say, there is death, and then Zombifying of PJ. Oh hai Zombie PJ.

When he next speaks, his smile is extra big and extra creepy, and he knows it, too. "Oh, now you really will love me. Vaizey! What is going on here? I demand an explanation, in the name of my darling brother Richard!"

At this, ZGKR pops up from where he has just thrust his disconnected head through a leather-clad thug (the crown made a great pointy stabby weapon, for realz), pops his head back on and looks at ZPJ in surprise.

"Brother! What on earth have you been doing to England in my absence? Mother is not pleased."

Seeing that his brother and mother are now on team virtuous and shiny and...sort of smelly, ZPJ sulks.

"Mother always did like Richard best."

ZPJ grabs his ear, and his other thumb creeps toward his mouth, when his ear suddenly comes off. "Not even my EAR loves me!" he wails, oblivious to the chaos around him.

"Oh, do stop blubbering, John," ZQE exclaims, shuffling over to him and grabbing his ear from him, sticking it firmly back in place. "Of course I love you; you're my son. My ungrateful, deceitful son; but my son nonetheless."

"You never talk to Richard like that," ZPJ whines.

"Why would I? He's fighting the evil thugs instead of whinging on about his mummy."

Just then, an arrow lodges itself in ZQE's arm. With an exasperated huff, she pulls it out. ZGKR, having seen the culprit, yells, "This is for my mother!" as he dispatches the thug who shot her, by flinging his arm that's clutching a sword across the courtyard, buring it in the man's chest.

ZPJ shoots ZQE a "See? See?" look, and she gives him a half-apologetic smile.

"Still, he never did lock me in Pontefract tower," she points out.

From where he's retreated to the portico beside the top of the castle stairs, the Sheriff calls, "Up here, Your Majesty!"

Of the three people present who respond to that name, ZPJ is obviously the one for whom it's intended, and he shuffles fabulously up to where Vaizey's standing. "Do you love me, Vaizey?" ZPJ queries.

Vaizey gives him an impatient, humorless grin. "Of course. Now, if you'd like to follow me this way," and he gestures to the corridor leading into the castle.

ZGKR and ZQE look at the retreating, cowardly form of ZPJ in disgust and annoyance.

"Mother, we could have been a family of acronyms, fighting together. I feel silly for having hoped he might have changed."

ZQE hugs ZGKR, unknowingly further proving ZPJ's point.

Zombie Robs and Zombie Maz are holding hands (well, each other's...they'd swapped) and are smiling at the scene, fondly.

Zombie Allan makes some mock choking noises at the blissful looks on their faces. "Not bein' funny, but you aren't thinking of starting a Zombie family, are you?"

Zombie Maz and Zombie Robs hastily switch hands back, and Zombie Robs thrusts his sword into the head of a passing leather-wearing thug, and Zombie Maz slams her elbow into another thug's nose, throwing him back onto the pavement, and then slamming her foot into his face. Then they look at each other and away, laughing uncomfortably.

Having heard Zombie Allan's tease, Zombie Djaq and Zombie Will exchange a Significant Glance (whilst fighting the leatherworking evil, of course; Zombie Djaq neatly slices the throat of one, and Zombie Will does some little spinny thing with his axe, embedding it in the chest of another)-- and a similar Significant Glance is exchanged between Zombie Much and Zombie Eve (between Zombie Much hacking three I(&AFR)LJRU's down in a quick swipe, and Zombie Eve kicking a fourth in the junk and then the face).

Zombie Allan takes out two simultaneously with some nifty, two-handed sword work, shaking his head at his friends-- and then catching it on the end of one sword when it falls off, flipping it back into place kind of like a hat. "I don't believe it," he mutters good-humoredly.

Zombie Robs looks down at his stomach, where a thug punched him with a bit too much gusto, and now has his fist stuck in Zombie Robs's abdomen. He shoves the guy back (insert gross sucking noise here for the thug's arm pulling out of Zombie Robs's midsection) and lays him out with a solid punch to the jaw. "Are you trying to tell us there's going to be the shiffle-shuffle of little zombie feet in camp?" he grins at the couples.

"Robin," Zombie Guy speaks up. "When did you want me to set Rufus loose?"

Zombie Robs looks at him, eyebrows raised. "

Now

, would be a good time," he answers a little sarcastically, as his left eyebrow falls off, fluttering to the ground.

"Robin, your eyebrow," Zombie LJ (who's gonna fit right in with the Royal Acronym Zombie Family, or RAZF, for short) says impatiently, in between bashing one thug in the face with the end of his staff and driving four others, who were rushing him single-file, back with the opposite end.

Zombie Robs gets that "ohyeah" look and reaches down to pick it up just as another leatherworking thug comes at him. As he pops his eyebrow back in place, he tosses the baddie over his back as he stands.

--It might be noted here that, for all of the zombie decrepitude[1], they hold together exceptionally well whilst fighting. This is, of course, because they are the Heroes.--

Nodding at Zombie Robs, Zombie Guy goes to unleash Rufus. But first, before he does so, Zombie Guy decides now is the right time for man, er, Zombie and lion to have a heart to heart.

"Rufus, today is your big day. Your time to shine. Admittedly, last time, you let me down a bit. And yet, look where that has led us? And so, I am quite proud to call you friend."

Rufus answers with a lazy rawr-slash-yawn noise. Zombie Guy points at Rufus, narrowly avoiding another chew toy incident. "Rufus, it is time. Attack with all you have. Remember, you want living flesh this time...avoid the zombies."

If Rufus knew what the hell Zombie Guy was on about, I'm sure he'd have nodded. As soon as he is freed, he goes running in the direction of the appetising smell of blood. Lucky for the Zombies, this means the enemy is in trouble. Fortunately, with the

fresh new

most recent Guy flavor still in his mind, Rufus has no trouble at all skipping the Zombie Gang and going for the yummy-smelling thugs. He's a bit wary of nibbling on humans now, but figures he'll give these ones a go, since they seem fresher than Guy. After the first couple of chomps, he realizes that these humans are still good, and goes to town.

The Sheriff, seeing that the lion shows no signs of filling up on leatherworkers, grabs ZPJ's arm and runs into the castle, barricading them in the great hall.

Well... barricading himself and ZPJ's arm in the great hall.

Doing one of his jumping-up-and-down-in-frustration jigs, Vaizey unbarricades the door, marches back out, and finds ZPJ --with Zizzy wrapped around him in a twisted, evil zombie snog. Turns out she pieced herself back together en route to Archer's ship and shambled back to Nottingham. (Zombie Kate, however, tried to piece herself back together, but got tangled in her braid. So she's still bound for Hull.)

Barely suppressing a shudder, Vaizey gets right up in their faces, being potentially the only living human who can withstand two sets of zombie breath in such close quarters, and growls, "Unless you wish to be torn apart by either a lion or zombie outlaws, I suggest you FOLLOW ME!"

ZPJ gives him a fabulous zombie smirk. "I suggest you don't speak to us like that, or I'll have you tied to a post and set ablaze."

"After I've had your stomach torn open and your entrails draped around your neck like ribbons," Zizzy adds.

"Oooh, you adorable girl!" ZPJ cries. "How brilliant are you?"

"Quite brilliant, Zombie King John," she laughs.

Tossing his hands in the air (and letting ZPJ's arm fly as he does), Vaizey marches back into the great hall and barricades the door once again. Then he makes his way to the tunnel entrance.

ZPJ and Zizzy stare in the direction of where Vaizey has gone, thinking that his lack of love for them (well, ZPJ's having the love thoughts) was just weird.

Zizzy turns to ZPJ. "Shall we side with the good guys? Throw the story line into complete turmoil?"

ZPJ looks at her for a moment, then asks the most important question to allow that decision to occur. "First, I must know, Isabella. Will they love me?"

"Everyone except Robin, sire. He loves himself too much. But do not worry; I am a woman scorned and have... plans for him."

ZPJ laughs in wicked delight. "So, we play in the side of good's sandbox for awhile, and then...a fire?" ZPJ has a hopeful look.

Zizzy ponders for a moment. "I'm sure we can arrange that. But Robin is mine. He chose his undead wife over me. I will have my revenge. Oh yes."

Oh, and if you thought Zizzy's boogedy eyes were creepy before, you should see them

now

.

ZPJ whips a handkerchief out of his pocket and waves it at the zombie gang. "Mother, Brother, stinking unwashed outlaws! Would you mind terribly if we were to join with you?"

Zizzy turns to Zombie Guy. "Brother, I'm sorry for poisoning you and trying to have you killed and... well, all of it. You don't even have to apologize for my marriage, if you'll let King--erm, Prince John and me come along to the forest."

"Don't trust her!" a shrieky voice carries from somewhere between Sherwood and Hull. Everyone looks around in a "wtf?" manner, then turns back to the matter at hand. That being Rufus licking his lips, having devoured every last leatherworking thug in the courtyard, and the evil and yet incredibly compelling zombies asking for asylum.

"Master, I don't think this is such a good idea," Zombie Much says.

"We just threatened the Sheriff!" Zizzy offers. "See? We're on your side!"

"Robin, I do NOT want that woman in the camp," Zombie Maz hisses between her incredibly prominent teeth.

Zombies Allan, Maz, Djaq, Will, LJ, Eve, QE, GKR, Le Grande, and even The Head of Zombie Carter are all murmuring things to the effect of, "No," "Don't do it," "This is a bad plan," and "Could somebody please locate my body for me, kthx."

Even Zombie Guy tilts his head to the side, remembering to prop it with his hand so as not to lose it. "I'm not sure this is wise," he says.

Zombie Archer gives Zizzy the once-over once again. "She is a smokin' hot babe, and I do like me the smokin' hot babes."

"She's your SISTER!!!" everyone shouts in unison.

"Yeah, according to YOU lot." He rolls his eyes, catching them and doing a little juggling act before popping them back in.

Zombie Robs crosses his arms and looks at them sternly. "You'll have to earn your tags," he declares.

"Oh, yes, of course, that's fine," the Evil Zombie Duo agree in unison.

Grinning, Zombie Robs gestures for them to follow. "Well, c'mon then, what're we waiting for?" And they all set out for camp...

[1] It might also be noted that I tried to say "decrepitness" there, which was indicated as being wrong, and "decrepitude" suggested instead. Seeing as how I've not before had the need to know the noun form of "decrepit," I'm going to go with the suggestion.