Chapter 1 (original) (raw)

Rating: PG
Word count: 1497
Characters: Anybody who's ever been on the show will likely pop up at some point.
Spoilers: character spoilers for the whole run of the show
Summary: Everyone becomes zombies and must fight evil leatherworkers.
Disclaimer: Even though we've been housing Zombie Robs and Regular Robs in exchange for housework and inflatable-pool cleaning, we still don't make any money from them and probably wouldn't be granted custody of them or anyone else in a court of law. Which, frankly, is highly disappointing.

CHAPTER ONE

In our RH world, things are different. Anything's possible. There is an evil conglomerate called the I(&AFR)LJRU (Intricate (and Accurate For Realz) Leather Jerkins 'R' Us) working out of the Holy Land, selling medieval Zoloft to Much and sending thugs after Robin, who's disappointed to learn that he didn't discover this fashion trend-- Team Leather had been buying from them for years.

Initially, it was Zombie Marian and Zombie Guy wandering through Sherwood, with Living Robin along for the ride (who was fairly well-adjusted, all things considered). But they decided he must become a zombie, too, since he had an annoying habit of keeping his body parts attached. As Zombie Guy went to zombify Robin, Much jumped in to save him, and got run through along with Robs when Guy's arm fell off and he was unable to stop the swing. Zombie Carter's on his way back from the Holy Land, and Zombie La Grande has zombified Little John so that he has another Zombie Big Man friend.

Zombie Carter makes a grand entrance, and guess who is with him? None other than GKR! In recognition of services to his king, what with dying and all, GKR has decided Zombie Carter can continue to protect him...just so long as he is careful with that left arm, because the few times it fell off it really freaked poor Richard out.

Zombie Robs decides that in order to successfully be protected by a bunch of Zombies, GKR really should be one too. It's logic coming from the mouth of Zombie Robs, so they all believe it. Aside from that, Zombie Robs is kinda annoyed that he hasn't gotten to turn anyone into a Zombie yet. So, he tells GKR to stand in front of a tree, puts an apple (and his hand, for just a second) on top of GKR's head and tells him it's a fun game. GKR trusts Zombie Robs, so he plays along, but oh noes GKR, turns out Zombie Robs is slightly devious, and suddenly...we have Zombie GKR...

The problem with GKR not speaking much English is that he keeps getting the William Tell legends confused with Robin's growing fame. So, his trouble started with that. But aside from Zombie Rob's deviousness, his trick shoulder, exacerbated by zombiehood, gave out just as he was letting loose the arrow.

It wasn't pretty, but it was effective.

Meanwhile, now that ZGKR is no longer unnerved by detached limbs, Zombie Carter's letting it all hang out... erm, off. It's actually a pretty decent system he's got worked out, since his head keeps a watch out and hollers when someone's approaching. And frankly, it's worked out well for all of them, since not too many people are willing to challenge a band of zombies in the days before shotguns.

Then, there's Tuck. He comes back to the camp, having been away on Godly business in the...east, or whatevs, and the first thing he encounters on arriving is Zombie Carter's head watching him, and then asking who the hell he is, because Zombie Carter doesn't yet know Tuck. So Tuck does a nervous laugh, calls out to Robs for an explanation, not realising Robs is now Zombie Robs. So Zombie Robs walks out of the camp wondering what all the noise is, holding Zombie Marian's hand. He left the rest of her behind by accident. So Tuck sees Zombie Robs and Zombie Maz's hand and demands an explanation, holding his cross in front of him. Zombie Guy, Zombie La Grande, and Zombie LJ look on, amused. Zombie Much is trying to fish his tongue out of a pot of squirrel stew. Zombie Robs warned him about singing when he was cooking.

So, Zombie Much finally finds his tongue, Zombie Maz realizes Zombie Robs has got her hand, everyone else is fairly entertained, and Living But Soon to Be Otherwise (LBStBO) Tuck is wondering wtf...

Marian comes storming out of the camp, telling Robin to grow up because the pretending not to notice she isn't attached to her hand thing is getting old, and by this point Living But Soon to Be Otherwise (LBStBO) Tuck is really getting confused, poor bloke.

So Zombie LJ takes pity on him, whacks him over the head with his staff and voila! Tuck is now no longer LBStBO, he is now Zombie Tuck.

And with in-house problems settled, they must now begin plans for the arrival of the I(&AFR)LJRU. (They know they're coming because when formerly-living Tuck was over in the east with his god business or whatevs, he heard about it.)

Of course, when Zombie Maz chews out Zombie Robs (figuratively, and a bit literally, as well) for continuously taking off with her hand, he tells her she looks gorgeous with any number of hands, so she gut-punches him with her wrist stump, becoming more frustrated-- and making him laugh harder-- when her stump gets stuck in his stomach cavity.

She starts to really get irritated by his entertainment at her expense, and goes to kick him, but Zombie Allan, having just returned from pulling cons at the inn for brains, pulls her off (out) of Zombie Robs and hands her flailing self to Zombie LJ to hug into submission.

Meanwhile, Zombie Tuck is trying to organize some sort of peaceful way of dealing with the I(&AFR)LJRU. So, Zombie Robs then explains to Zombie Tuck just how the I(&AFR)LJRU roll, because obviously Zombie Tuck doesn't grasp quite how evil they are if he thinks some passive sit down is going to stop them. You see, Team Leather has dosed them with the Weird Mineral found in the Nottingham castle mortar, which turns everyone who breathes it in (except for Edward, Marian and a handful of servants, who have some sort of natural immunity) for too long evil.

(For this, Zombie Guy offers no apologies, but does try to help plan the defense against them.)

Once Zombie LJ has hugged Zombie Maz into submission, and there was some serious squishing going on there, Zombie Maz apologises to Zombie Robs for the stump -in-gut incident, and Zombie Robs apologises for the laughing at her expense, and they agree to a happy Zombie truce.

Fortunately, Will and Djaq came by for a visit just as the Zombie Gang was trying to figure out how to defeat the I(&AFR)LJRU-- Will can build something awesome to help in the defense. But they're living, and that just won't do. So Zombie Tuck and ZGKR, in an initiation of sorts, take care of the currently living Will and Djaq, in ingenius and in character ways...so now everyone present is, once again, a Zombie...

Anyone who isn't us, and who is reading this, should at this point possibly be made to understand the insane amounts of love present amongst the Zombies. They really are an awesome team. No Zombie shall ever be left behind in another land, or made to betray anyone...

Zombie Allan: "Oi!"...

Yes yes, or stab anyone. Not that the stabbing will do much now, but still...it's the thought that counts.

It really is starting to become an initiation-- zombie all for zombie one, and zombie one for zombie all, pretty much. It's a zombie friend-love-in. They'd be singing "Kumbaya" if Zombie Much didn't point out the risk of losing one's tongue-- temporarily, of course.

So, Zombie Will rigs some fantastic Anti-Evil Leatherworker traps. While he's at it, a young blonde woman comes tripping through the woods. Ah, but don't let your mind reel in horror; it's EVE! She couldn't wait any longer for Much to come find her, and has decided to take the initiative. The Head of Zombie Carter spots her and starts yelling a warning-- which causes her to notice it and start screaming, herself. The zombie gang comes shuffling along to find out what's going on, which doesn't really calm her down. But when Zombie Much offers her his heart-- and again, that is a literal action,-- she knows it's all going to be well, and happily goes along with her own zombie initiation.

Zombie Much does the deed, and then Zombie Eve gives him back his heart, though only literally this time; and when Zombie Eve gives Zombie Much back his heart, she gives him her own, as well. This is very romantic if you're a zombie.

Zombie Carter posts his head by the door, and all the Zombie gang sit inside the camp to discuss the overthrowing of the evil Leatherworking overlords. The zombie gang works out a plan, and puts it into effect. Unfortunately, it involves moving quicker than a shamble.

The Zombie lads have walked a few miles from camp, when who should appear through the trees? Why it's the I(&AFR)LJRU, of course.

"Don't worry", says Zombie Robs in his usual manner, "They're LBStBO."

This breaks the tension amongst the Zombies, but makes the I(&AFR)LJRU a little mad, because being masters of acronyms themselves, they like to know what they mean...