evan arrrrrr (original) (raw)

I don't update this shit anymore. I have no reason to. No one reads this, and I don't really give a shit. MySpace is the fucking same. I log in maybe once a day, only to delete the random porn-bots and virus Friend Requests. I don't comment people, I don't message people, and I don't give a shit anymore. I haven't had minutes for my cell phone for some days, and let me tell you, that feels great. It feels amazing. No one calling me, no calling anyone else, no high hopes for phone calls that won't take place. I am almost completely disconnected, and it's nice to have that freedom again. Freedom. Whatever.

Basically, I have no other means with which to vent my frustrations towards society and/or anything else I may have any general frustrations towards, and this shit has been building up- not in a bad way, not to the point where I'm ready to snap, but to the point where each day just drags on, and then the next day comes, and that day is even longer, and now, I'm at the point where every day feels like an eternity. The days are too long, my days are numbered, the days aren't long enough, my life is too short.

I smoke cigarettes because it really is a very honorable sort of way to kill myself. I am sick of hearing about oppression, about racism, about greed, about rich people, about poor people. I'm sick of hearing about children dying in third world countries. I am sick of hearing about the "Global War on Terrorism," "the War on Drugs," "Peace in the Middle East," "Global Warming," "Economic Decline," and "Oil Shortages." I am sick of talk about gas prices, and how the weather is fucked up. I am sick of talk.

I am sick of everything, and it makes me sick to feel so numb towards everything in this God-forsaken place. Perhaps I'm just jaded, perhaps desensitized, perhaps I'm bitter because life isn't really as great as they tell you it is when you're younger.

Perhaps I need to get away. Away from bills, away from responsibility. Away from here, where there is nothing for me, to somewhere else where there is an equal amount of nothing for me.

I can't stand this society I live in. Everything disgusts me, everything. Teenage pregnancies, pollution, yuppies, bombs, wars, guns, drugs, booze, parties, politics, crime rates, murder, television, commercialism, activism, government policies, Iraq, Iran, Sunni, Shiite, the Koran, the Bible, corruption, death rates, divorce rates, teenage marriages, racism, justice, injustice, torture, rape, global policies, elections, democrats, republicans, election candidates, religion, Catholics, WASPs, prostitution, interest rates, bills. Cancer, stem cell research, abortion, Homeland Security, security levels, the internet, fakes, liars, sinners, saints. Rich people, poor people. Society.

Fuck off. I hate this world, and I have no place in it.

This world is collapsing in on itself, and I don't want to be around when it does. Global war is on the horizon. Lives are going to end. I won't care.

Maybe the shit's just too thick to see through it all, to see through to the good in this world. Maybe there is good in this world. It doesn't really matter- the fact of the matter is, there is far more bad than there is good. The scales are tipped in the favor of the negative, there is not enough positive. You may call me a pessimist, I say I'm a realist.

Perhaps I just live in a different universe than you, in the same way that a housefly lives in a different universe than that of a sperm whale.

Things are caving inwards- society is not exploding, it is imploding. Nothing good can come of anything. Nothing good can come from nothing- nothing comes from nothing- and when all that there is is bad, there can be no good. This world is full of pitfalls and wrong turns- I feel like I'm in a house of mirrors- I keep walking into walls.

There is no one with which to share my feelings- I have no one to talk to, I have no one to support me, I have no one to help me. I have no money, and no job. I am not tied down by anything, but I am held back by everything.

I am the loneliest soul in my universe. I am the only soul in my universe. Who is to say that if you are not here, that you even exist? Perhaps you are a figment of my imagination- perhaps this is a figment of yours. Everything is created by something else- but no one really knows where anything really comes from. Science can explain away anything, but that really doesn't expose the meaning behind anything. My fingers fly over these keys, but who is to say it is not just an imagined reality, that these keys I am tapping on are not even here, and that they are some imagined perception of something I refer to as reality, or at least what I know to be reality, and that it is all within my head, or perhaps, what I refer to as my head, more or less, my soul, my entity, my being. I have a body, and a mind. But what drives these two things? There is something behind it all- what is it? Where is it? Can it be touched? Can it even be perceived? And if so, how? What is perception, and how is it pinpointed, if I can't even explain what "me," or "I," is.

When I say I, I am referring to myself. That is apparent. When you say I, you are referring to yourself. So what is I? It cannot be you and I at the same time. It cannot. It is a physical impossibility- the only explanation is that I do, indeed, live in a separate yet parallel universe that is as unique to me as yours is to you. My perception of reality may be entirely different from yours- perhaps we sometimes share moments, frames of reference, but they may be perceived completely differently depending upon your individual universe.

It really doesn't matter, anyway.