Gone. (original) (raw)

I wrote my first LJ post six and a half short years ago. I found a handful of friends here, kept in touch with some of them, and took up this space with rants, raves, musings and other nonsense.

Gradually, we have all moved on. Some have drifted away bit by bit into their daily lives, and lost touch one day at a time; others have married, or had kids, or may be having kids of their own; some have started businesses; others are still trying to find their way; and the rest are occasionally still active, but distracted by particular subjects or other elements of life. My LJ friends page has been a hall of ghosts for a while.

And me? These years have been worth every challenge and obstacle and hopeless moment. I started over from scratch, reinvented myself for the second -- and hopefully last -- time. I finally found a purpose, and found a way to devote myself to it. I have pushed myself harder than I thought would be possible; I discovered that my will could be a lever, and that I could find a fulcrum, and I could move the Earth. If I had to stop now, I would still be content to know that I have made a difference -- a small one, a tiny but positive imperfection in one of the grains of the paper in the pages of history -- and I became at least a little bit of the person I once hoped to become.

Like most kids, my dreams started out big. I wanted to be a world-changing scientist; an explorer; an astronaut; or, maybe, Batman. Unlike many kids, I never could quite let go of those dreams. I was happy to wander, for a while, but some part of my soul was always patiently discontent, waiting for me to finally do ... something.

I have been fortunate to have had the support of some amazing friends, and an even more amazing girlfriend. My friends have supported me in different ways; some gave me honesty, some gave me humility, some lent me their ear when I needed it, some gave me a place to sleep, some loaned me money when my needs overcame my pride, some gave me conversation, some gave me something to think about, and others gave me adventure, fun, and humanity.

I owe a lot to Leslie, especially. She has been nothing less than the essence of patience. She is the yin to my yang, the gentler touch that smooths out my rougher edges and softens my ham-handedness. (And she kept correcting me until I pronounced "yang" correctly.)

I don't have much left to say, anymore, and apparently neither does most of my LJ friends list. I'm content to keep pushing ahead now that I have momentum. I have created something tangible from nothing -- the purest act of thaumaturgy that I think I could pull off in this world -- and I want to see just how much further I can take it.

This is an amazing world we live in. Yes, there is suffering, violence, and struggle, but there is also choice. We can all choose to live exceptional lives, or just live, or even choose not to live. No matter what situations we find ourselves born into, and what situations we create for ourselves, we can choose to change them ... or not. We each, every one of us, has the capacity to make the world a slightly better place, and we can do it just by choosing to do so. Or, we can choose instead to accept the world as it is, and enjoy our time here.

Browsing through my LJ archive, there have been lots of ups and downs, moments of exuberance where I felt like everything was great, and moments of frustration, and sometimes hopelessness, where I had serious misgivings about the future.

There will be plenty more moments like that. I am so tempted to continue with, "but on the whole, I think everything will continue an upward trend" ... but who knows what's coming tomorrow, or the next day? So, I don't think I need to hope for a peaceful future; it's enough to know that I have created a peaceful present.

I hope everyone finds what they're looking for; I know that whatever it is, it's out there, and all they have to do is choose to seek it out.

If you'd like to keep in touch, you can leave a comment asking for my email address, or look at robsheldon.com once in a while, or keep an eye on www.associatedtechs.com, where I hope to begin announcing some pretty big things starting in the first quarter of 2011.

See you star-side.