Demi Monde (original) (raw)

dyslexia chapter one.	[27 Apr 2021\|12:40am]
The journey for literacy for Rueben has been long, but not hard. Writing and spelling are still a bit ropey but yay technology. Reading kinda just happened. I’ve probably read thousands of books to Rueben, my own low tolerance for repetition probably makes it a rather high number. In the earlier years of home education, we would just go to one of the libraries and I would read book after book. I wanted him to love literature, to be transported by stories, and to know the magic a book can provide, more than I cared if he ever read. I planned to let it happen naturally and follow his lead, I think he was less than 3 when he'd learned all of his letters by asking me their names. For some reason, I was surprised by the next step When he asked me about words. unfortunately, because I had not planned to start until 6 plus we stumbled into a problem I had not done phonics and had to go back and teach him the sounds of the letters made. I just read and read to him I still do though mostly on the tram. The way he progressed in line with grade expectations (two years behind) despite an almost complete lack of formal practicing does not fill me with great confidence in the school system.My own experience left a lot to be desired, but I was there for 12 straight years. I was terrible at spelling. I remember getting caught cheating on a spelling test in the 4th grade. At that point, teachers still advised using a dictionary when you didn't know how to spell the word. I Don't know how this method is supposed to work. Maybe this advice works better for people who know how spelling works, not people like me without any knowledge of how to build words. I Developed my own method of spell checking for when the way to write a word would drop out of my head. I'd find a book that I thought might contain it and skim until I came across it. I remember this working well, but in retrospect, that may have just been in comparison to using a dictionary. It was also at this age I remember my father shouting at me for forgetting how to write Weintraub. He was a shouter (and remains one) but there must've been something special about this occasion for it to remain so clear in my memory. I do not remember where I had been unable to write my name, if it was at home or school I just remember the words “ What sort of person forgets how to write their own name.” He claims it is internalized antisemitism that caused me to give Rueben his own name, but I know it was not wanting to saddle a kid with all those letters to keep in line. (and also wanting to play fair with his father, as there was no way I was giving him the name of a man whom I knew would not be around all too much.)Once I left home, (after being kicked out of one school) I went on to get myself diagnosed. I don't know if you've done these kinds of tests but I remember being struck with how slow my brain was. how difficult I found the specific tasks. In fact, now it’s called specific learning difficulty. I did so badly on the Math part that the dude was like I'm going to leave those off else you're going to end up with someone assisting you in the classroom. It wasn't really, Math math though I suck at that too. He listed numbers and wanted me to repeat them back to him. Then later he asked me to repeat them back in reverse. I just couldn't, but I could have told him this. When I was younger I’d take down phone messages wrong so reliably that my parents around swap them round before dialing numbers. I still can’t reliably count money or add, I know how both these things are done, but can’t trust myself. I have still not done my taxes. It's not that I'm afraid that I will make mistakes because I definitely will. My fear irrational or not, is that they will come back and ask me questions about what I’ve done, and maybe even ask me to prove my math. Every year I swear I'm getting an accountant next time, then I think I should be able to do this. I’m not sure if the next step in this cycle is either I convince myself I can, or I shame myself into not getting help. The truth is it isn’t actually hard and I do regularly pull it off. But all the shame I felt as a child is still there somewhere quietly pulling leavers until I’m panicking the night before. The thing I have found again and again in my life is that announcing my failings is helpful no one can embarrass you with things you're willing to admit. I need to care for myself and support myself and allow myself this Grace. I actually think I underwork for fear I'll make too much money and need to sort myself an accountant to handle my books, so it's easier to play small. Keep myself within my comfort zone. (which is weird cause it isn't actually that comfortable). When my sister and I were at school my mother was embarrassed by our learning differences. She didn't want to have special ed kids, so neither of us did as well as we could have done.She was ashamed of us. Shame in my opinion is a flag, a marker as to where someone's internal work is. Rather than turning away, one should do more, one should force oneself into the experience, over and over feel what It feels like and hold that emotion, and examine it. Watch it shrink. Manchester Museum got this device with a joystick. You could use this joystick to explore objects from the museum’s collection, meant for the blind so they could touch without damaging things. I remember not being able to really get it like I couldn’t picture the item in my mind. It must have stuck with me on some level because in the intervening years I have developed a peculiar system of examining my emotions which puts me in mind of it. I've always chosen to do things just to see how they would make me feel. I've collected lots of stories this way. I hope I have caused my soul to grow too. I've definitely learned to handle my emotions better and just observe thoughts as they pass through. When inspecting my emotions around a subject I could describe it almost like taking a vessel off-the-shelf and feeling around Its shape, its depth, its sharp edges. Obviously, it isn't an actual thing, just energy a bit like the ball you can feel between two magnets when you try and force them together a haptic joystick hitting against something unseen. My separation from my emotions is something I'm quite proud of. This curiosity of how my mind works is something that has served me well. There is little I can’t imagine ahead of time and know how it will make me feel. This not to say I can’t be blind-sighted when this happens I feel it in my body overwhelmed to the point I may be physically sick. It may be days later sometimes days later I’ll figure exactly which emotions made this happen. I've learned to listen to both. I can watch my body for signs of trouble and test the water within. I've learned to push my boundaries every time I'm offered a chance to change. I cannot recognize the girl I was at school with the person I am now. I was ridiculously shy and told you I was sometimes perceceived as a bit of a bitch. I have learned how to be friendly, confident, and dare I say loud at times. I don't think I was really scared of what people thought of me but just unsure of how to best do me. I've since learnt I am the only person I get to be. I am my own best advocate and I am the only one who is truly in my corner. Parenting has been hell of hard. I was a difficult kid and I don't think my parents really liked me and they definitely did not support me through my challenges. As unlikeable as I can find Rueben at times I have read endless articles and books about how to best support him with dyslexia, attention deficit, and some level of autism and realized I carry these things within myself. Advocating for Rueben during his diagnosis was easy really. Having to deal with the NHS with a chronic illness will train you up for nearly anything.The schools on Martha's Vineyard are so well funded basically I just needed to turn up. We had been there two years previously and they tried to blame Rueben’s education to date for his delays. I let them. I didn't feel it was the right time, He had only admitted being able to read about a month before we arrived. However last time that was why I was there, I wanted help. I would have fought desperately if I needed it to. Rueben was there for a month without me. My parents were fielding emails and the like about Rueben and the diagnosis. They clearly felt uncomfortable and out of their depth, it was always interesting to me how little two teachers who were both successful with students with learning differences could know about this. My Father sent me an email telling me to turn down the assessment. I asked him why and sent him a link to a video expanding what the tests would look like. My father never one to really talk about his feelings didn't reply, so I will never know what fears were coming up for him. My father has avoided reading his whole life. He regularly talks about how he remembers learning to read and that this means he didn’t enjoy it. He claims to have only read one book by choice. He gets my mother to write things for him. Communicating with him through text is confusing especially as he gets older (this might seem a bit rich coming from me.) I’m quite sure he’s dyslexic. His father, my grandfather was in the 4th grade until 16, when he would no longer fit in the desk. I'm not entirely sure how many labels he would have if he was to be a kid now, but his parents would lock him in the closet when guests come over. As an adult, he failed the test to become a postman repeatedly. I think he was in his 50s at this point. Suddenly he passed with a 90%. We've always assumed his test got mixed up with somebody else. however, he did the work for the postal service for I think 19 years. I think what really made my parent’s attitude change was my confidence. I have no fear of asking for what my child needs. I have no shame around his nor my learning difference. I won’t apologize for us being different, I will in fact demand the world meet us where we are. I believe parenting Rueben has offered me a chance to re-parent myself. He is less proud of his Dyslexia than he was. (thanks school) He grew up knowing I, his dad, his brother and a really large number of our lodgers were all dyslexic it was something we all shared. He thought we were cool, and interesting so clearly he'd want to be one of us.
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[27 Apr 2021|12:40am]

The journey for literacy for Rueben has been long, but not hard. Writing and spelling are still a bit ropey but yay technology. Reading kinda just happened. I’ve probably read thousands of books to Rueben, my own low tolerance for repetition probably makes it a rather high number. In the earlier years of home education, we would just go to one of the libraries and I would read book after book. I wanted him to love literature, to be transported by stories, and to know the magic a book can provide, more than I cared if he ever read. I planned to let it happen naturally and follow his lead, I think he was less than 3 when he'd learned all of his letters by asking me their names. For some reason, I was surprised by the next step When he asked me about words. unfortunately, because I had not planned to start until 6 plus we stumbled into a problem I had not done phonics and had to go back and teach him the sounds of the letters made. I just read and read to him I still do though mostly on the tram. The way he progressed in line with grade expectations (two years behind) despite an almost complete lack of formal practicing does not fill me with great confidence in the school system.My own experience left a lot to be desired, but I was there for 12 straight years. I was terrible at spelling. I remember getting caught cheating on a spelling test in the 4th grade. At that point, teachers still advised using a dictionary when you didn't know how to spell the word. I Don't know how this method is supposed to work. Maybe this advice works better for people who know how spelling works, not people like me without any knowledge of how to build words. I Developed my own method of spell checking for when the way to write a word would drop out of my head. I'd find a book that I thought might contain it and skim until I came across it. I remember this working well, but in retrospect, that may have just been in comparison to using a dictionary. It was also at this age I remember my father shouting at me for forgetting how to write Weintraub. He was a shouter (and remains one) but there must've been something special about this occasion for it to remain so clear in my memory. I do not remember where I had been unable to write my name, if it was at home or school I just remember the words “ What sort of person forgets how to write their own name.” He claims it is internalized antisemitism that caused me to give Rueben his own name, but I know it was not wanting to saddle a kid with all those letters to keep in line. (and also wanting to play fair with his father, as there was no way I was giving him the name of a man whom I knew would not be around all too much.)Once I left home, (after being kicked out of one school) I went on to get myself diagnosed. I don't know if you've done these kinds of tests but I remember being struck with how slow my brain was. how difficult I found the specific tasks. In fact, now it’s called specific learning difficulty. I did so badly on the Math part that the dude was like I'm going to leave those off else you're going to end up with someone assisting you in the classroom. It wasn't really, Math math though I suck at that too. He listed numbers and wanted me to repeat them back to him. Then later he asked me to repeat them back in reverse. I just couldn't, but I could have told him this. When I was younger I’d take down phone messages wrong so reliably that my parents around swap them round before dialing numbers. I still can’t reliably count money or add, I know how both these things are done, but can’t trust myself. I have still not done my taxes. It's not that I'm afraid that I will make mistakes because I definitely will. My fear irrational or not, is that they will come back and ask me questions about what I’ve done, and maybe even ask me to prove my math. Every year I swear I'm getting an accountant next time, then I think I should be able to do this. I’m not sure if the next step in this cycle is either I convince myself I can, or I shame myself into not getting help. The truth is it isn’t actually hard and I do regularly pull it off. But all the shame I felt as a child is still there somewhere quietly pulling leavers until I’m panicking the night before. The thing I have found again and again in my life is that announcing my failings is helpful no one can embarrass you with things you're willing to admit. I need to care for myself and support myself and allow myself this Grace. I actually think I underwork for fear I'll make too much money and need to sort myself an accountant to handle my books, so it's easier to play small. Keep myself within my comfort zone. (which is weird cause it isn't actually that comfortable). When my sister and I were at school my mother was embarrassed by our learning differences. She didn't want to have special ed kids, so neither of us did as well as we could have done.She was ashamed of us. Shame in my opinion is a flag, a marker as to where someone's internal work is. Rather than turning away, one should do more, one should force oneself into the experience, over and over feel what It feels like and hold that emotion, and examine it. Watch it shrink. Manchester Museum got this device with a joystick. You could use this joystick to explore objects from the museum’s collection, meant for the blind so they could touch without damaging things. I remember not being able to really get it like I couldn’t picture the item in my mind. It must have stuck with me on some level because in the intervening years I have developed a peculiar system of examining my emotions which puts me in mind of it. I've always chosen to do things just to see how they would make me feel. I've collected lots of stories this way. I hope I have caused my soul to grow too. I've definitely learned to handle my emotions better and just observe thoughts as they pass through. When inspecting my emotions around a subject I could describe it almost like taking a vessel off-the-shelf and feeling around Its shape, its depth, its sharp edges. Obviously, it isn't an actual thing, just energy a bit like the ball you can feel between two magnets when you try and force them together a haptic joystick hitting against something unseen. My separation from my emotions is something I'm quite proud of. This curiosity of how my mind works is something that has served me well. There is little I can’t imagine ahead of time and know how it will make me feel. This not to say I can’t be blind-sighted when this happens I feel it in my body overwhelmed to the point I may be physically sick. It may be days later sometimes days later I’ll figure exactly which emotions made this happen. I've learned to listen to both. I can watch my body for signs of trouble and test the water within. I've learned to push my boundaries every time I'm offered a chance to change. I cannot recognize the girl I was at school with the person I am now. I was ridiculously shy and told you I was sometimes perceceived as a bit of a bitch. I have learned how to be friendly, confident, and dare I say loud at times. I don't think I was really scared of what people thought of me but just unsure of how to best do me. I've since learnt I am the only person I get to be. I am my own best advocate and I am the only one who is truly in my corner. Parenting has been hell of hard. I was a difficult kid and I don't think my parents really liked me and they definitely did not support me through my challenges. As unlikeable as I can find Rueben at times I have read endless articles and books about how to best support him with dyslexia, attention deficit, and some level of autism and realized I carry these things within myself. Advocating for Rueben during his diagnosis was easy really. Having to deal with the NHS with a chronic illness will train you up for nearly anything.The schools on Martha's Vineyard are so well funded basically I just needed to turn up. We had been there two years previously and they tried to blame Rueben’s education to date for his delays. I let them. I didn't feel it was the right time, He had only admitted being able to read about a month before we arrived. However last time that was why I was there, I wanted help. I would have fought desperately if I needed it to. Rueben was there for a month without me. My parents were fielding emails and the like about Rueben and the diagnosis. They clearly felt uncomfortable and out of their depth, it was always interesting to me how little two teachers who were both successful with students with learning differences could know about this. My Father sent me an email telling me to turn down the assessment. I asked him why and sent him a link to a video expanding what the tests would look like. My father never one to really talk about his feelings didn't reply, so I will never know what fears were coming up for him. My father has avoided reading his whole life. He regularly talks about how he remembers learning to read and that this means he didn’t enjoy it. He claims to have only read one book by choice. He gets my mother to write things for him. Communicating with him through text is confusing especially as he gets older (this might seem a bit rich coming from me.) I’m quite sure he’s dyslexic. His father, my grandfather was in the 4th grade until 16, when he would no longer fit in the desk. I'm not entirely sure how many labels he would have if he was to be a kid now, but his parents would lock him in the closet when guests come over. As an adult, he failed the test to become a postman repeatedly. I think he was in his 50s at this point. Suddenly he passed with a 90%. We've always assumed his test got mixed up with somebody else. however, he did the work for the postal service for I think 19 years. I think what really made my parent’s attitude change was my confidence. I have no fear of asking for what my child needs. I have no shame around his nor my learning difference. I won’t apologize for us being different, I will in fact demand the world meet us where we are. I believe parenting Rueben has offered me a chance to re-parent myself. He is less proud of his Dyslexia than he was. (thanks school) He grew up knowing I, his dad, his brother and a really large number of our lodgers were all dyslexic it was something we all shared. He thought we were cool, and interesting so clearly he'd want to be one of us.

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The death card, a big ending.	[21 Feb 2020\|01:17pm]
So looking back with most of February behind me I'm surprised to see the cards reflected back at me I guess that means I go to did a good job of being alive this month. The last few days I've seen the death card which I never do, I've assumed this is to do with closing off all communication with Mikie, which was a long time coming. I've been done for a long time. I figured his abuse of me was inconsequential, I don’t care about his opinion of me, and it wasn't important. But then he was shouting at me in front of the boy first visit, And then at the boy I'm second. and then it seemed obvious it was time to model protecting oneself from people and only tolerating what was right I told Ruben I was done it wasn't right I wasn't standing for it and it was the end for me. co I'm done with feeling any need for him. I've had I've tried hard to encourage him to father but no amounts of patience or kindness as ever made any difference. I saw him disrespect us both, and we were getting nothing. Over the years I kept thinking he couldn't help it, and I’m not sure he really can but, He wasn't doing it to anyone else in the household which proves he was choosing to abuse. Though probably not a conscious decision it’s not okay, and we have no debt to pay him. What's more when I approached him to discuss Rueben’s problems with his behaviour he refused to apologize or even acknowledge that the child’s requests were reasonable. I had hoped in a day or two he would think of it and try and think through how to respond. He didn’t even try a little bit and called me names. I'm over it I don't care if he is his dad. I don't care if society places a value on that role. I don't care at all anymore I realized when he fell off the mountain and I didn't even waver in my resolve. I am beyond done. at the beginning of February when he was still here I did a pull for the month I asked a few questions what do I need to know? magician in Reverse. what do I need to avoid? hierophant in reverse and to embrace? the Ten of Wands I remember looking at that ten of Wands (a card about taking too much on and delegating and lighting my load.) As a single mom, it's one I've seen often. For me, parenthood has been a lesson and asking for help, and I still have to be bullied into it a bit. I looked at this card and thought “a chance would be a fine thing” With everything his dad kicked up for us we had a few serious chats, I didn't know how to put things right his father’s behaviour is only controllable by his father. Rueben never wants to say negative things about his father to me. I was able to say to him I know this, you can talk to someone else; my parents but also the guidance counsellor at school. I don't know if he did or not, or if he even feels that's needed. I know we are getting a great deal of support. he's being a great student and they are trying so hard to bring out the best in him. he's very happy and that means a lot. I may never know how he feels about this issue, I am able to delegate, and model not always having the answers. I don't need to know and I don't need to fix everything. I can not know, and think this to is a 10 of Wands lesson. what I realized the hierophant was saying here which I really couldn’t see at the beginning of the month I have no idea at the beginning of the month. I'd written might feel restricted focus on true self rather than what others expect of you and remember not really getting it wondering what I was working too much are trying to act like a real adult too much and not really seeing it now I see yes I was feeling restricted I was trying to be welcoming and act adult. I was not being honest, I was sublimating my feelings for Rueben’s benefit I was playing a role. I realized his father expects us both to put up with his behaviour, again and again, he expects calm and numerous chances. He will be surprised to be held to account. When he was here he was surprised that I didn't want Rueben being raised with blind deference to a father or a grandfather. I don’t believe titles entitle one to any respect. He may never understand that he's not an important character in our lives, or that it was choices that he's made that have caused that. He has frequently said I will always be his father, but to my mind this means nothing. I don't need him, and now I have completely moved out of that Paradigm and he will never be treated any better than a stranger who has put us through the disappointment he has. I just hope Rueben feels half of the freedom I do for me this death is very complete.
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The death card, a big ending.

[21 Feb 2020|01:17pm]

So looking back with most of February behind me I'm surprised to see the cards reflected back at me I guess that means I go to did a good job of being alive this month. The last few days I've seen the death card which I never do, I've assumed this is to do with closing off all communication with Mikie, which was a long time coming. I've been done for a long time. I figured his abuse of me was inconsequential, I don’t care about his opinion of me, and it wasn't important. But then he was shouting at me in front of the boy first visit, And then at the boy I'm second. and then it seemed obvious it was time to model protecting oneself from people and only tolerating what was right I told Ruben I was done it wasn't right I wasn't standing for it and it was the end for me. co I'm done with feeling any need for him. I've had I've tried hard to encourage him to father but no amounts of patience or kindness as ever made any difference. I saw him disrespect us both, and we were getting nothing. Over the years I kept thinking he couldn't help it, and I’m not sure he really can but, He wasn't doing it to anyone else in the household which proves he was choosing to abuse. Though probably not a conscious decision it’s not okay, and we have no debt to pay him. What's more when I approached him to discuss Rueben’s problems with his behaviour he refused to apologize or even acknowledge that the child’s requests were reasonable. I had hoped in a day or two he would think of it and try and think through how to respond. He didn’t even try a little bit and called me names. I'm over it I don't care if he is his dad. I don't care if society places a value on that role. I don't care at all anymore I realized when he fell off the mountain and I didn't even waver in my resolve. I am beyond done. at the beginning of February when he was still here I did a pull for the month I asked a few questions what do I need to know? magician in Reverse. what do I need to avoid? hierophant in reverse and to embrace? the Ten of Wands I remember looking at that ten of Wands (a card about taking too much on and delegating and lighting my load.) As a single mom, it's one I've seen often. For me, parenthood has been a lesson and asking for help, and I still have to be bullied into it a bit. I looked at this card and thought “a chance would be a fine thing” With everything his dad kicked up for us we had a few serious chats, I didn't know how to put things right his father’s behaviour is only controllable by his father. Rueben never wants to say negative things about his father to me. I was able to say to him I know this, you can talk to someone else; my parents but also the guidance counsellor at school. I don't know if he did or not, or if he even feels that's needed. I know we are getting a great deal of support. he's being a great student and they are trying so hard to bring out the best in him. he's very happy and that means a lot. I may never know how he feels about this issue, I am able to delegate, and model not always having the answers. I don't need to know and I don't need to fix everything. I can not know, and think this to is a 10 of Wands lesson. what I realized the hierophant was saying here which I really couldn’t see at the beginning of the month I have no idea at the beginning of the month. I'd written might feel restricted focus on true self rather than what others expect of you and remember not really getting it wondering what I was working too much are trying to act like a real adult too much and not really seeing it now I see yes I was feeling restricted I was trying to be welcoming and act adult. I was not being honest, I was sublimating my feelings for Rueben’s benefit I was playing a role. I realized his father expects us both to put up with his behaviour, again and again, he expects calm and numerous chances. He will be surprised to be held to account. When he was here he was surprised that I didn't want Rueben being raised with blind deference to a father or a grandfather. I don’t believe titles entitle one to any respect. He may never understand that he's not an important character in our lives, or that it was choices that he's made that have caused that. He has frequently said I will always be his father, but to my mind this means nothing. I don't need him, and now I have completely moved out of that Paradigm and he will never be treated any better than a stranger who has put us through the disappointment he has. I just hope Rueben feels half of the freedom I do for me this death is very complete.

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	[28 Apr 2016\|08:16pm]
I am cognative disonance.
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Rebuild	[06 Apr 2016\|09:07pm]
Your a devil and I know well, and worse one that Knows me well. I asked you once so i know you feel you can about half read me well, but for someone opaque like me it is disarming. I feel like an open book. I plug along at the project that was meant to be ours. Something We could do until there was work to be done, then it became mine. But still i am working on that vision Your a tiny devil in the details, a nagging sadness in the cracks, a whisper between the words but part of the hope somehow. That Japanese thing, Kintsugi. Quite fitting for a potter really. I look at the chimney pot on Which you used to sit. I sware when it smashed it took our friendship to its final peices. I recently started to try and make something from it and our situation warmed. It feels like if mend it build it into a planter or something we may also transform. I look at it and ignore it, try and Squash down that feeling move past it. Im not sure i want more old even transformed old. I love you and i am sure you love me too but maybe our broken pieces pack down only to have something new grow in this space. I will be new, wiser, smarter more knowledgable of myself because of you but maybe not knowing you.
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Rebuild

[06 Apr 2016|09:07pm]

Your a devil and I know well, and worse one that Knows me well. I asked you once so i know you feel you can about half read me well, but for someone opaque like me it is disarming. I feel like an open book. I plug along at the project that was meant to be ours. Something We could do until there was work to be done, then it became mine. But still i am working on that vision Your a tiny devil in the details, a nagging sadness in the cracks, a whisper between the words but part of the hope somehow. That Japanese thing, Kintsugi. Quite fitting for a potter really. I look at the chimney pot on Which you used to sit. I sware when it smashed it took our friendship to its final peices. I recently started to try and make something from it and our situation warmed. It feels like if mend it build it into a planter or something we may also transform. I look at it and ignore it, try and Squash down that feeling move past it. Im not sure i want more old even transformed old. I love you and i am sure you love me too but maybe our broken pieces pack down only to have something new grow in this space. I will be new, wiser, smarter more knowledgable of myself because of you but maybe not knowing you.

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	[12 Jan 2016\|12:45am]
The space between us feels sticky, thicker. Like part of me is stuck to the back of your jumper, like a stain.
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	[25 Nov 2015\|11:48pm]
I am taking note today is the day i phoned. Even though im not allowed to.
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	[04 Oct 2015\|06:31pm]
I grew up transatanticly and in uk and ireland butter and its better, in my experence always.
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i am done. for the record I di wish i wasn't.	[18 Apr 2015\|11:17pm]
You know what it was?It felt like a gesture. I can't remember the fight we had tge day before you bought the railcard but you put my name on without my birth date. You had phoned to cheack but thought I was ignoring you. I had been polishing my vacuum cleaner.It felt like a peace offering, every time I used it I thought of you.I thought positive things, I thought how tough the last year was but it reminded me I was loved, it made sooo much of the money non sense disappear. I know it bothered you, and it bothered me so much less. I kept asking to leave it and you kept insisting, but at the same time acting more and more different claiming it was me, it was you feeling bad. I missed you and it hurt that you couldn't take my word and be at ease. You attacked me more and more frequently, claiming it was me when I retaliated. So each time I used the rail card I felt a stab of love and it kept me trying, trying to make it okay.I went to Scotland twice, Liverpool 3 times, Leeds 2 and brought friends with me, one time buying tickets for a stranger on one occasion, and a few trips to levensume and Moseley each time I mentally thanked you. Reassured that even though we where at a point where we couldn't be in the same room that I could still love you, and the important things where right.
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i am done. for the record I di wish i wasn't.

[18 Apr 2015|11:17pm]

You know what it was?It felt like a gesture. I can't remember the fight we had tge day before you bought the railcard but you put my name on without my birth date. You had phoned to cheack but thought I was ignoring you. I had been polishing my vacuum cleaner.It felt like a peace offering, every time I used it I thought of you.I thought positive things, I thought how tough the last year was but it reminded me I was loved, it made sooo much of the money non sense disappear. I know it bothered you, and it bothered me so much less. I kept asking to leave it and you kept insisting, but at the same time acting more and more different claiming it was me, it was you feeling bad. I missed you and it hurt that you couldn't take my word and be at ease. You attacked me more and more frequently, claiming it was me when I retaliated. So each time I used the rail card I felt a stab of love and it kept me trying, trying to make it okay.I went to Scotland twice, Liverpool 3 times, Leeds 2 and brought friends with me, one time buying tickets for a stranger on one occasion, and a few trips to levensume and Moseley each time I mentally thanked you. Reassured that even though we where at a point where we couldn't be in the same room that I could still love you, and the important things where right.

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via report	[10 Feb 2014\|11:44pm]
Character Strength # 1BraveryYou are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.Character Strength # 2Love of learningYou love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.Character Strength # 3HumorYou like to laugh and tease. Bringing smiles to other people is important to you. You try to see the light side of all situations.Character Strength # 4Appreciation of Beauty & ExcellenceYou notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.Character Strength # 5CreativityThinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.Character Strength #6ForgivenessYou forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.Character Strength #7GratitudeYou are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.Character Strength #8HonestyYou are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a "real" person.Character Strength #9KindnessYou are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.Character Strength #10LoveYou value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.Character Strength #11CuriosityYou are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.Character Strength #12FairnessTreating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.Character Strength #13JudgmentThinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.Character Strength #14HumilityYou do not seek the spotlight, preferring to let your accomplishments speak for themselves. You do not regard yourself as special, and others recognize and value your modesty.Character Strength #15PerspectiveAlthough you may not think of yourself as wise, your friends hold this view of you. They value your perspective on matters and turn to you for advice. You have a way of looking at the world that makes sense to others and to yourself.Character Strength #16TeamworkYou excel as a member of a group. You are a loyal and dedicated teammate, you always do your share, and you work hard for the success of your group.Character Strength #17HopeYou expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.Character Strength #18SpiritualityYou have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you.Character Strength #19Social intelligenceYou are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.Character Strength #20LeadershipYou excel at the tasks of leadership: encouraging a group to get things done and preserving harmony within the group by making everyone feel included. You do a good job organizing activities and seeing that they happen.Character Strength #21ZestRegardless of what you do, you approach it with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or halfheartedly. For you, life is an adventure.Character Strength #22Self-RegulationYou self-consciously regulate what you feel and what you do. You are a disciplined person. You are in control of your appetites and your emotions, not vice versa.Character Strength #23PrudenceYou are a careful person, and your choices are consistently prudent ones. You do not say or do things that you might later regret.Character Strength #24PerseveranceYou work hard to finish what you start. No matter the project, you "get it out the door" in timely fashion. You do not get distracted when you work, and you take satisfaction in completing tasks.
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via report

[10 Feb 2014|11:44pm]

Character Strength # 1BraveryYou are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.Character Strength # 2Love of learningYou love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.Character Strength # 3HumorYou like to laugh and tease. Bringing smiles to other people is important to you. You try to see the light side of all situations.Character Strength # 4Appreciation of Beauty & ExcellenceYou notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.Character Strength # 5CreativityThinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.Character Strength #6ForgivenessYou forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.Character Strength #7GratitudeYou are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.Character Strength #8HonestyYou are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a "real" person.Character Strength #9KindnessYou are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.Character Strength #10LoveYou value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.Character Strength #11CuriosityYou are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.Character Strength #12FairnessTreating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.Character Strength #13JudgmentThinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.Character Strength #14HumilityYou do not seek the spotlight, preferring to let your accomplishments speak for themselves. You do not regard yourself as special, and others recognize and value your modesty.Character Strength #15PerspectiveAlthough you may not think of yourself as wise, your friends hold this view of you. They value your perspective on matters and turn to you for advice. You have a way of looking at the world that makes sense to others and to yourself.Character Strength #16TeamworkYou excel as a member of a group. You are a loyal and dedicated teammate, you always do your share, and you work hard for the success of your group.Character Strength #17HopeYou expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.Character Strength #18SpiritualityYou have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you.Character Strength #19Social intelligenceYou are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.Character Strength #20LeadershipYou excel at the tasks of leadership: encouraging a group to get things done and preserving harmony within the group by making everyone feel included. You do a good job organizing activities and seeing that they happen.Character Strength #21ZestRegardless of what you do, you approach it with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or halfheartedly. For you, life is an adventure.Character Strength #22Self-RegulationYou self-consciously regulate what you feel and what you do. You are a disciplined person. You are in control of your appetites and your emotions, not vice versa.Character Strength #23PrudenceYou are a careful person, and your choices are consistently prudent ones. You do not say or do things that you might later regret.Character Strength #24PerseveranceYou work hard to finish what you start. No matter the project, you "get it out the door" in timely fashion. You do not get distracted when you work, and you take satisfaction in completing tasks.

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gabrielle aplin	[29 Oct 2013\|10:40am]
Summer comes, winter fadesHere we are just the sameDon't need pressure, don't need changeLet's not give the game awayThere used to be an empty spaceA photograph without a faceBut with your presence, and your graceEverything falls into placeJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backDoesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like thatThere's no need to worry when you see just where we're atJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backHeavy words are hard to takeUnder pressure precious things can breakAnd how we feel is hard to fakeSo let's not give the game awayJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backDoesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like thatThere's no need to worry when you see just where we're atJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backAnd fools rush inAnd I've been the fool beforeThis time I'm gonna slow it down'Cause I think this could be moreThe thing I'm looking forJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backDoesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like thatThere's no need to worry when you see just where we're atJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backPlease don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backDoesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like thatThere's no need to worry when you see just where we're atJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it back
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gabrielle aplin

[29 Oct 2013|10:40am]

Summer comes, winter fadesHere we are just the sameDon't need pressure, don't need changeLet's not give the game awayThere used to be an empty spaceA photograph without a faceBut with your presence, and your graceEverything falls into placeJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backDoesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like thatThere's no need to worry when you see just where we're atJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backHeavy words are hard to takeUnder pressure precious things can breakAnd how we feel is hard to fakeSo let's not give the game awayJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backDoesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like thatThere's no need to worry when you see just where we're atJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backAnd fools rush inAnd I've been the fool beforeThis time I'm gonna slow it down'Cause I think this could be moreThe thing I'm looking forJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backDoesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like thatThere's no need to worry when you see just where we're atJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backPlease don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backDoesn't mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like thatThere's no need to worry when you see just where we're atJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it backJust please don't say you love me'Cause I might not say it back

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Day Three: where is my son?	[06 Sep 2013\|09:59pm]
Day two was easy to deal with where is my husband? well i never had one, but Rueben’s father is totally uninvolved, I had fantasies of wood working classes and images of the boy helping out on the farm where he works. But I have always known we would be here, a place where he is not, and I’m pleased when I read the question "what changes need to be made in your home to let him now my first priority is to be his helper?"So on to day 3 where is my son?he’s playing computer games with Joana a spanish girl who is trying to teach him spanish, something he’s dead against. he does love joana though so its not a total disaster, and i’m hopeful that if i persist he will at the very least be able to pass an spanish g.c.s.e. if and when the time comes.I made the decision to home educate 9 years before I became a parent, but when I met my son, the person he actually is: unable to sit down, incredibly counter suggestive and someone who will like working with his hands. I was certain I’d made the right choice for him. he’s bright and if I compare his knowledge to the key skills he is meant to have at the end of his reception class i’m reassured of his brilliance. (and also my decision, why would I send him to a place where they don’t plan to teach him anything he doesn’t already know?) I’m getting off my point how is Rueben? Who is is person forming into? Who do i hope he will become? In the book i’m reading from she mentions a scene from “little men” where jo is showing a new boy a book where she writes about each child’s behavior which she refers to it as the conscience book. A neat idea which I think I may be borrowing in some way. I do not trust the government to empty by bins correctly why would I entrust them to train my child in the correct way to behave. I don’t think i’m under any illusions, my son is a boy with a temper who can be absolutely immovable and his own worst enemy. he’s currently on day 3 of a 7 day t.v. ban for shouting and hitting. Ever since he was tiny anger would get the better of him esp when he was tired or hungry and although he was ashamed by his actions he still can not control them. I think some kind of diary of his outbursts, and kindnesses might help him. To be acknowledged when he does control his temper might help him feel proud, and more in control. Like jo we could have weekly reviews where we talk about what is happening for him.I asked Rueben what he would like to learn this year. We were on route to the sainsburys local on his new pedal bike. His reply was that he would like to learn to balance his new bike like his balance bike (I left it on the bus a few weeks ago) and learn how to stop going into the road. with further prodding he said he’d like to learn about dinosaurs, and how cars worked and engines. He also said he would like to be a race car driver, I’m not sure what you do to prepare for such a job but I guess we can try (he has a hard head) So the next stage now is for him to find his feet in the home education lark, as I am finding mine. He needs friends and projects to do. I guess we just need to talk a lot and together we’ll figure it out.
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Day Three: where is my son?

[06 Sep 2013|09:59pm]

Day two was easy to deal with where is my husband? well i never had one, but Rueben’s father is totally uninvolved, I had fantasies of wood working classes and images of the boy helping out on the farm where he works. But I have always known we would be here, a place where he is not, and I’m pleased when I read the question "what changes need to be made in your home to let him now my first priority is to be his helper?"So on to day 3 where is my son?he’s playing computer games with Joana a spanish girl who is trying to teach him spanish, something he’s dead against. he does love joana though so its not a total disaster, and i’m hopeful that if i persist he will at the very least be able to pass an spanish g.c.s.e. if and when the time comes.I made the decision to home educate 9 years before I became a parent, but when I met my son, the person he actually is: unable to sit down, incredibly counter suggestive and someone who will like working with his hands. I was certain I’d made the right choice for him. he’s bright and if I compare his knowledge to the key skills he is meant to have at the end of his reception class i’m reassured of his brilliance. (and also my decision, why would I send him to a place where they don’t plan to teach him anything he doesn’t already know?) I’m getting off my point how is Rueben? Who is is person forming into? Who do i hope he will become? In the book i’m reading from she mentions a scene from “little men” where jo is showing a new boy a book where she writes about each child’s behavior which she refers to it as the conscience book. A neat idea which I think I may be borrowing in some way. I do not trust the government to empty by bins correctly why would I entrust them to train my child in the correct way to behave. I don’t think i’m under any illusions, my son is a boy with a temper who can be absolutely immovable and his own worst enemy. he’s currently on day 3 of a 7 day t.v. ban for shouting and hitting. Ever since he was tiny anger would get the better of him esp when he was tired or hungry and although he was ashamed by his actions he still can not control them. I think some kind of diary of his outbursts, and kindnesses might help him. To be acknowledged when he does control his temper might help him feel proud, and more in control. Like jo we could have weekly reviews where we talk about what is happening for him.I asked Rueben what he would like to learn this year. We were on route to the sainsburys local on his new pedal bike. His reply was that he would like to learn to balance his new bike like his balance bike (I left it on the bus a few weeks ago) and learn how to stop going into the road. with further prodding he said he’d like to learn about dinosaurs, and how cars worked and engines. He also said he would like to be a race car driver, I’m not sure what you do to prepare for such a job but I guess we can try (he has a hard head) So the next stage now is for him to find his feet in the home education lark, as I am finding mine. He needs friends and projects to do. I guess we just need to talk a lot and together we’ll figure it out.

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Day one: where am I?	[05 Sep 2013\|11:31pm]
I bought a book for my kindle is called "Back to Home school" is written by an american woman who has homeschooled her 8 children. It was described as a planner which was in 23 days help me organize my year and give me the best homeschooling year yet.Given I downloaded it the week before we started its not really preparation for this stage, but it is proving very useful to organize my thoughts and a woman who has done what i'm doing 8 times over has some good advice. like a lot of american homeschoolers she is very religious which makes it even easier to read i can skip over huge bible quotes with ease. i'm hoping to work through the whole thing, thinking that if I really do contemplate the 23 days I will have gained some insight into myself and our progress. The first chapter asks me where am I? I'm I stressed? How is my relationship with the lord? Am I rested? Well no, i'm woken every day earlier than my body would of liked, mostly by Rueben but by what ever else on any day he does decide to lie in. i'm put an app on my phone which is meant to track my movement and sound and wake me at a point in my sleep cycle which will best suit. i'm considering going to bed earlier, shifting my Rueben free time from now into morning. 7:30 scares me, but a hopefully I will be more alert and it would be nice to have sometime to drink coffee on my own and printout last minute things. One of the questions the book posed was whether there was an educational philosophy that wasn't working for us? I initially brushed it aside I realized yes. it is law in britain that every child be able to read by 5 i have so many problems with this but firstly how on earth do you enforce something so stupid? jails for illiterate youths? sentences to reading boot camps increasing in length and brutality as the offenders get older? Maybe you could further fill real prisons with illiterate parents, or for crimes against literacy. no books in the house? six months. (while trying to fact check just now discovered a 2011 study concluded 4m children in UK do not own a single book) people like this exist, i'm shocked I remember reading once that the average home in britain had two books. my first real boyfriend family was like this one crossword dictionary and a spike milligan book. The government has a program called Bookstart, i became aware of it a year or two before Rueben was born, i remember applying for one of the jobs and thinking of the statistic about the two books. its seemed to me the act of giving out a bag with 3 books is an attempt to more than double the amount of books in the country or at least the home of sexually irresponsible people. i love books. nearly two christmases ago my lodger gave me a kindle. He was genuinely confused when i would bring home bags of books from swaps,charity shops and library discards. " why have you bought books, you can download them" he complained I think he was a bit offended. About a year after I started to use it, its great for traveling and those huge important books I know i'm never going to read. Alex haley's roots war and peace they aren't sat around gathering dust, but they are there just in case on day I do decide to buckle down and read them, is also good when you read favorable reviews about a christian home ed planner and you get curious. I have shelves lined with books in my bedroom, the living room rueben's book case is overflowing and he can't even read yet. i'm getting of the point so the second reason this rule is ludacris is many many studies show most children just are not ready before 6 (and i'm sure many mature even slower) the processes children who are reading earlier are using are not the same ones even they will be using in a few years for the same tasks. I had decided i was not going to do letters and such till 6.His fine motor skills would be more howned too the whole teaching reading and writing things would be easier and easier for him to learn. and this is where the books question becomes relevant where i had decided to not do it, I hadn't decided what to say when he asked me what a wooden R was. "Its a Rueben R" I said. Soon my book loving son, living in a book filled house had learned all his letters one question at a time. ooops I hadn't meant to do that, but it happened and soon I realized this wasn't going to be the end of the questions.. The first work he learned to "read" was the word stop learned off the button on bus. I realized by lack of a plan had left me in a bit of an educational cul-de-sac and had to go bac and do them again phonetically. So here we are in our first real week of home education and my goal to convince Rueben he can read.(he totally can) it goes against so much of my ideology but I have to admit he's ready he wants to get it. If i'm being honest it would be great if he could read to himself, he'd be read to all day given the choice. one of my life goals is to take a shipping boat to america, due to insurance he has to be 5. I used to joke that he'd have to be able or read by 5 how else would we fill the 9 days at sea? but now it seems it may come to pass.
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Day one: where am I?

[05 Sep 2013|11:31pm]

I bought a book for my kindle is called "Back to Home school" is written by an american woman who has homeschooled her 8 children. It was described as a planner which was in 23 days help me organize my year and give me the best homeschooling year yet.Given I downloaded it the week before we started its not really preparation for this stage, but it is proving very useful to organize my thoughts and a woman who has done what i'm doing 8 times over has some good advice. like a lot of american homeschoolers she is very religious which makes it even easier to read i can skip over huge bible quotes with ease. i'm hoping to work through the whole thing, thinking that if I really do contemplate the 23 days I will have gained some insight into myself and our progress. The first chapter asks me where am I? I'm I stressed? How is my relationship with the lord? Am I rested? Well no, i'm woken every day earlier than my body would of liked, mostly by Rueben but by what ever else on any day he does decide to lie in. i'm put an app on my phone which is meant to track my movement and sound and wake me at a point in my sleep cycle which will best suit. i'm considering going to bed earlier, shifting my Rueben free time from now into morning. 7:30 scares me, but a hopefully I will be more alert and it would be nice to have sometime to drink coffee on my own and printout last minute things. One of the questions the book posed was whether there was an educational philosophy that wasn't working for us? I initially brushed it aside I realized yes. it is law in britain that every child be able to read by 5 i have so many problems with this but firstly how on earth do you enforce something so stupid? jails for illiterate youths? sentences to reading boot camps increasing in length and brutality as the offenders get older? Maybe you could further fill real prisons with illiterate parents, or for crimes against literacy. no books in the house? six months. (while trying to fact check just now discovered a 2011 study concluded 4m children in UK do not own a single book) people like this exist, i'm shocked I remember reading once that the average home in britain had two books. my first real boyfriend family was like this one crossword dictionary and a spike milligan book. The government has a program called Bookstart, i became aware of it a year or two before Rueben was born, i remember applying for one of the jobs and thinking of the statistic about the two books. its seemed to me the act of giving out a bag with 3 books is an attempt to more than double the amount of books in the country or at least the home of sexually irresponsible people. i love books. nearly two christmases ago my lodger gave me a kindle. He was genuinely confused when i would bring home bags of books from swaps,charity shops and library discards. " why have you bought books, you can download them" he complained I think he was a bit offended. About a year after I started to use it, its great for traveling and those huge important books I know i'm never going to read. Alex haley's roots war and peace they aren't sat around gathering dust, but they are there just in case on day I do decide to buckle down and read them, is also good when you read favorable reviews about a christian home ed planner and you get curious. I have shelves lined with books in my bedroom, the living room rueben's book case is overflowing and he can't even read yet. i'm getting of the point so the second reason this rule is ludacris is many many studies show most children just are not ready before 6 (and i'm sure many mature even slower) the processes children who are reading earlier are using are not the same ones even they will be using in a few years for the same tasks. I had decided i was not going to do letters and such till 6.His fine motor skills would be more howned too the whole teaching reading and writing things would be easier and easier for him to learn. and this is where the books question becomes relevant where i had decided to not do it, I hadn't decided what to say when he asked me what a wooden R was. "Its a Rueben R" I said. Soon my book loving son, living in a book filled house had learned all his letters one question at a time. ooops I hadn't meant to do that, but it happened and soon I realized this wasn't going to be the end of the questions.. The first work he learned to "read" was the word stop learned off the button on bus. I realized by lack of a plan had left me in a bit of an educational cul-de-sac and had to go bac and do them again phonetically. So here we are in our first real week of home education and my goal to convince Rueben he can read.(he totally can) it goes against so much of my ideology but I have to admit he's ready he wants to get it. If i'm being honest it would be great if he could read to himself, he'd be read to all day given the choice. one of my life goals is to take a shipping boat to america, due to insurance he has to be 5. I used to joke that he'd have to be able or read by 5 how else would we fill the 9 days at sea? but now it seems it may come to pass.

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Why I chose Home education, and how its going so far.	[17 Aug 2013\|10:26pm]
i grew up in massachusetts, on the island of martha's vineyard. i was fortunate to receive a very liberal education in the hippest of the islands 5 towns. 3 of the towns fed into our school at the time and there still wasn't enough kids to fill a classroom some years, then they would smoosh years together. property taxes in the summer resort meant I have never seen other schools so well equipt. Both my parents are teachers, my father was actually my science teacher for the whole of junior high, we did have one big row during the first year in which i launched a book at his head(quite a poor shot normally) but on the whole it was quite successfully. They both teach is mildly unorthodox ways and have both had to fight their corner and have instilled a real belief that schools are wrong. though i believe my father believes this more heartily (my mum was quite academically successful and finds in hard to see things from others point of view.) but on the whole are very supportive of my decision to home educate.(not that they can stop me esp all the way from massachusetts) i'm getting off point, i moved to england when I was 16 I was in constant trouble never quite understanding what the problem was. it wasn'tuntill after doing my foundation 6 years and several schools later, during the lecture my art history teacher told me to stop asking questions else we wouldn't get through the lectures on time. It dawned on me this had been the problem all along, i had not realized engaging in my education had marked me out as disruptive. there are other huge reasons the school system here is failing, which seems to be something everyone agrees on, but doesn't quite know how to fix. Central government decided a few weeks ago that every child must understand fractions in kindergarten, which though not impossible doesn't address the real issue which is if everyone is to bored to pay attention then it doesn't really matter what your teaching. I also do not like uniform, not mandatory till 11 but worn by all from 4. They claim is to prevent teasing, but i feel it in fact teaches the idea there is a right way to dress and be and as the opposite effect. The national curriculum the standardisation of what is being taught in classrooms across the land, irregardless of where your class is developmentally was introduced in 1988 and standardized testing for 7 year olds in in 1991. for the life of me don't know what standardized testing can prove other than a lack of individual thought.http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/8270189/How-the-national-curriculum-has-evolved.html I think that nealry two pages leading up to my point that I am so certain of my choice, yes i do think about sending Rueben to public school, the view form the front gate is a school I often think I could conduct Rueben across the rd while still in my bed, maybe having to lean out the window. I had hoped to flexi-school Rueben where he could go infor gym, art and such but the government changed the rules around it and it is no longer doable at least not in the same way. Rueben will be starting a wood school in november. we went to an open day the other week and we're both so excited. Its a great space a rural studies centre with a wood and a tropical green house. its only one day a week but gives Rueben the opportunity to to socialise without me and and me a chance to be without him if only for a few hours. We visit libaryies a lot Rueben loves books and with very little effort on my part he is almos reading. It makes me feel justified in my child led approach. I wasn't going to start letters and such till he was 6, but he asked and asked and soon knew them all by name. i realized I messed up and now needed to teach the sounds. I found a video from leap frong that used both the name and the sound and it did the trick. We do some letter work with shaving foam on the side of the bath and stuff, but i try not to take it too seriously cause when do I get stressed an then he does to and the learning stops. I was able to read from 3, and love books too. I realized a bit ago I was passing on my preference and that although he knew his numbers his numeracy was much lower. i liked that he didn't understand money, but he can't stay that way forever. So we started doing dairy math problem from "bedtime math" and i've made more of an effort to talk about numbers and money. bus numbers( i don't drive) help too. We where talking about buses the other day and he said "oh its the three- tee three and I realized he'd learned it on his own though he has yet to truly understand the concept of 1's ten's and hundreds. i have a lot of stuff for "starting school in the fall" cuisenaire rods, magic school bus science kits and a desk we got off free cycle. i'm thinking we'll do a bit in morning and go to meets ups and museums in the afternoon. I recently got in touch with 3 local homed mums in my area and am really excited about the boy being able to hang out with kids locally we spend so much time on buses.
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Why I chose Home education, and how its going so far.

[17 Aug 2013|10:26pm]

i grew up in massachusetts, on the island of martha's vineyard. i was fortunate to receive a very liberal education in the hippest of the islands 5 towns. 3 of the towns fed into our school at the time and there still wasn't enough kids to fill a classroom some years, then they would smoosh years together. property taxes in the summer resort meant I have never seen other schools so well equipt. Both my parents are teachers, my father was actually my science teacher for the whole of junior high, we did have one big row during the first year in which i launched a book at his head(quite a poor shot normally) but on the whole it was quite successfully. They both teach is mildly unorthodox ways and have both had to fight their corner and have instilled a real belief that schools are wrong. though i believe my father believes this more heartily (my mum was quite academically successful and finds in hard to see things from others point of view.) but on the whole are very supportive of my decision to home educate.(not that they can stop me esp all the way from massachusetts) i'm getting off point, i moved to england when I was 16 I was in constant trouble never quite understanding what the problem was. it wasn'tuntill after doing my foundation 6 years and several schools later, during the lecture my art history teacher told me to stop asking questions else we wouldn't get through the lectures on time. It dawned on me this had been the problem all along, i had not realized engaging in my education had marked me out as disruptive. there are other huge reasons the school system here is failing, which seems to be something everyone agrees on, but doesn't quite know how to fix. Central government decided a few weeks ago that every child must understand fractions in kindergarten, which though not impossible doesn't address the real issue which is if everyone is to bored to pay attention then it doesn't really matter what your teaching. I also do not like uniform, not mandatory till 11 but worn by all from 4. They claim is to prevent teasing, but i feel it in fact teaches the idea there is a right way to dress and be and as the opposite effect. The national curriculum the standardisation of what is being taught in classrooms across the land, irregardless of where your class is developmentally was introduced in 1988 and standardized testing for 7 year olds in in 1991. for the life of me don't know what standardized testing can prove other than a lack of individual thought.http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/8270189/How-the-national-curriculum-has-evolved.html I think that nealry two pages leading up to my point that I am so certain of my choice, yes i do think about sending Rueben to public school, the view form the front gate is a school I often think I could conduct Rueben across the rd while still in my bed, maybe having to lean out the window. I had hoped to flexi-school Rueben where he could go infor gym, art and such but the government changed the rules around it and it is no longer doable at least not in the same way. Rueben will be starting a wood school in november. we went to an open day the other week and we're both so excited. Its a great space a rural studies centre with a wood and a tropical green house. its only one day a week but gives Rueben the opportunity to to socialise without me and and me a chance to be without him if only for a few hours. We visit libaryies a lot Rueben loves books and with very little effort on my part he is almos reading. It makes me feel justified in my child led approach. I wasn't going to start letters and such till he was 6, but he asked and asked and soon knew them all by name. i realized I messed up and now needed to teach the sounds. I found a video from leap frong that used both the name and the sound and it did the trick. We do some letter work with shaving foam on the side of the bath and stuff, but i try not to take it too seriously cause when do I get stressed an then he does to and the learning stops. I was able to read from 3, and love books too. I realized a bit ago I was passing on my preference and that although he knew his numbers his numeracy was much lower. i liked that he didn't understand money, but he can't stay that way forever. So we started doing dairy math problem from "bedtime math" and i've made more of an effort to talk about numbers and money. bus numbers( i don't drive) help too. We where talking about buses the other day and he said "oh its the three- tee three and I realized he'd learned it on his own though he has yet to truly understand the concept of 1's ten's and hundreds. i have a lot of stuff for "starting school in the fall" cuisenaire rods, magic school bus science kits and a desk we got off free cycle. i'm thinking we'll do a bit in morning and go to meets ups and museums in the afternoon. I recently got in touch with 3 local homed mums in my area and am really excited about the boy being able to hang out with kids locally we spend so much time on buses.

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the letter I sent in the end.	[29 Jul 2013\|10:59pm]
When I chose for you to look after Rueben two years ago. I was excited that my son would be exposed to different ideas, skills and experience, optimistic that he may learn about alternative viewpoints rather than simply mine, perhaps making for a more rounded start to Rueben's education. Although we choose to parent differently, I never felt had the right to comment or criticize, but i feel this courtesy has not been extended to me. I almost didn't say anything as he will be leaving your care in only a few weeks. I feel there has been some kind of confusion about the boundaries here. I am not looking to be scolded for allowing Rueben to choose to wear fuzzy trousers, or nail polish. I do not wish for Rueben to feel shame about things he enjoys. I'm proud of the man my son is shaping into, I'm proud of the fact that at 4 he will ride a purple bike with pink wheels with pride. He is meant to be at the height of gender conformity at this age. I have worked hard to keep him so innocent. I have no desire to raise my son to bow his head and get on without any personality, if he chooses to conform of his own free will that is his business. I do not feel it is my job to raise my child to be scared and shameful. I would hate it if he started hiding his desires, and died wishing he wore more fuzzy pants when he was a younger man. He is my son, they are my rules and standards. If that is "more than you can bare" the then I guess We will have to part ways as I'm just not comfortable with such attitudes around my son. I hope you understand my concerns and that this will not be a problem in future. Thanks Roisin
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the letter I sent in the end.

[29 Jul 2013|10:59pm]

When I chose for you to look after Rueben two years ago. I was excited that my son would be exposed to different ideas, skills and experience, optimistic that he may learn about alternative viewpoints rather than simply mine, perhaps making for a more rounded start to Rueben's education. Although we choose to parent differently, I never felt had the right to comment or criticize, but i feel this courtesy has not been extended to me. I almost didn't say anything as he will be leaving your care in only a few weeks. I feel there has been some kind of confusion about the boundaries here. I am not looking to be scolded for allowing Rueben to choose to wear fuzzy trousers, or nail polish. I do not wish for Rueben to feel shame about things he enjoys. I'm proud of the man my son is shaping into, I'm proud of the fact that at 4 he will ride a purple bike with pink wheels with pride. He is meant to be at the height of gender conformity at this age. I have worked hard to keep him so innocent. I have no desire to raise my son to bow his head and get on without any personality, if he chooses to conform of his own free will that is his business. I do not feel it is my job to raise my child to be scared and shameful. I would hate it if he started hiding his desires, and died wishing he wore more fuzzy pants when he was a younger man. He is my son, they are my rules and standards. If that is "more than you can bare" the then I guess We will have to part ways as I'm just not comfortable with such attitudes around my son. I hope you understand my concerns and that this will not be a problem in future. Thanks Roisin

2 comments|post comment

comedy?	[08 Jun 2013\|11:21am]
i'm an artist, i'm the one who made this piece, in case you've not looked at it that's serotonin and dopeimine technically these are the only things you enjoy. This is what nearly everyone is looking for a way to guarantee happiness, a prescription for it even. Since making this I've leaned a fair bit about how these two chemicals work in our bodies.dopamin , its part of the process of falling in love, is what keeps addicts addicted, yearning for that high, and helps people concentrate so too little is linked to Attention deficit disorder but too much oddly seems related to schizophrenia.Serotonin, removes anxiety and is more about keeping balance rather than the highs of dopamine. It has several roles, controls craving for carbohydrates and actually helps with growth of certain cells in humans, mostly in our heart. one thing I finally remembered to Google, serotonin re-uptake inhibitors? What sense does that make? surely if you don't have enough of something what good would it be to stop absorbing it? Well it turns out its like this 90% of the bodies serotonin is in the bowel its main role in the body? To help you poo.So the tablets stop your body absorbing your own serotonin into your bowel which allows more of it to be floating about your brain. so your serotonin uptake inhibitors though being heralded as the cure for depression in the 90's end up being further proof of the old adage that only you can make yourself happy. Infact both of these CHEMICALS can not cross the blood brain barrier, so an injections of these two chemicals have unexpected effects. dopamine is used to restart your heart, and an injection of serotonin will actually cause pain, in fact its in wasp stings for this reason. now i'm no expert, i'm just a gob shite with a love of medical matters. i'm not even a person who has really had to battle depression. I grew up on an island called martha's vineyard, you may of heard of it Obama holidays there. people call it a playground for the rich and famous. We islanders, people who are brave or stupid enough to stick round for the winter call it a floating mental hospital. The manic summers give way to a bleak winter where nearly everyone is self medicating. When i was about 12 a friend of my parents built a bowling alley sure that what the island needed was a meeting place with a wholesome activity on offer.it didn't really work out as it turned out they would really rather sit and home and moan. I think it taught be lot of about how depression works, and even more importantly how to make myself happy, i discharged myself in 1996. however i do still return for holidays. Last year the prime minister tried to measure the nations happiness, with a tick box form. the results are cheery 75% of the population are at least medium happy in their lives. i got curious how did this compare to other countries, i did find one survey of Americans done earlier this year stating sadly that only one 3rd of the population reported feeling very happy. one big difference I've noticed in the two places is Americans don't seem to believe there meant to be sad and the Brits don't seem to think that they should be happy. America is Prozac nation and here we all keep clam and carrying on. I think this counts of evidence of what i'm saying, america is lamenting not all being jubullent whilst in England we are just glad most of the population doesn't feel too bad. I do think that essentially the same problems that are making us sad probably world over.apparently 80% of the British population feel medium to high that what they are doing is worthwhile. now i have to admit this is not what i'see on a day to day basis, but maybe i 'm just moving in the wrong circles.If you look at this chart, people are rating there happiness most people working are 10% less happy than the ones who aren't, or those who have let to realize that yeah this is what they are doing with there lives.Now i'm no better, I do vigorously try and avoid doing anything i don't enjoy, though money would be nice i learned years ago that being paid for things makes me enjoy them less, it somehow sullies the experience. i'm not getting paid to be here now, i'd bet real money that if i was you would laugh less, that is if i'd agreed to do it at all. I recently bought a kiln, with the intention of making pottery into some kind of day job. its been a saga so far involving 2 kilns,2 Tibetans, 2 local lads one polish boy and some scrappers, and its not over yet. It still needs wiring in and the huge quantity of electric it will use paid for. All the while i love that thing, it almost embodies my freedom but i'm scared that once its all in place i'll go off it once it becomes about money. It would seem the best case scenario would be me only going off it ten percent. I see a lot of people who claim they will be happy once they get a girlfriend,that new job a bigger house or loose 20 pounds. and they never seem to notice that there happiness never changes and the car didn't fix nothing and the girlfriend actually seemed from the outside to make them miserable, though not as badly as her leaving did. I would argue that non of these things can be a passion, if these people found something they needed to do the car they drove there wouldn't matter, they might even not mind taking the bus. One thing I truly believe is that in order to be truly happy you have to allow your self to be sad. I have found a recovery from a period of sadness teaches you a lot about why you where sad and how to prevent it happening again but more importantly what makes you happy. I see a lot of people dulling the sad with booze drugs, s.s.r.is . It ain't fun, and i don't advice wallowing but i think its best to face it head on, feel it cry and nash teeth then figure out what the lessons are on offer. Avoiding it whatever method you use it will go on and on and catch you out no matter where you run. Think often the goal is not happiness for people, without realizing it they create a state of unsad, which i guess could seem preferable but is nowhere near the same thing as happy.i think society places quite a lot of value on this unsad state, i don't even mean we are encouraged to consume lashing out for cars and clothes in hopes of filling some emotional void, though we are. I just mean it where we are most comfortable. At a point in my life i was most happy i was spending almost all my time painting, i'd meet friends and have nothing to say, nothing to complain about. I discovered the answer to "how are you" is no more "really, really happy" than it is "fucking depressed" The response i'd get was a look of deep suspicion and a slightly insincere "that's great" i guess i'm lucky it didn't last long.
post comment

comedy?

[08 Jun 2013|11:21am]

i'm an artist, i'm the one who made this piece, in case you've not looked at it that's serotonin and dopeimine technically these are the only things you enjoy. This is what nearly everyone is looking for a way to guarantee happiness, a prescription for it even. Since making this I've leaned a fair bit about how these two chemicals work in our bodies.dopamin , its part of the process of falling in love, is what keeps addicts addicted, yearning for that high, and helps people concentrate so too little is linked to Attention deficit disorder but too much oddly seems related to schizophrenia.Serotonin, removes anxiety and is more about keeping balance rather than the highs of dopamine. It has several roles, controls craving for carbohydrates and actually helps with growth of certain cells in humans, mostly in our heart. one thing I finally remembered to Google, serotonin re-uptake inhibitors? What sense does that make? surely if you don't have enough of something what good would it be to stop absorbing it? Well it turns out its like this 90% of the bodies serotonin is in the bowel its main role in the body? To help you poo.So the tablets stop your body absorbing your own serotonin into your bowel which allows more of it to be floating about your brain. so your serotonin uptake inhibitors though being heralded as the cure for depression in the 90's end up being further proof of the old adage that only you can make yourself happy. Infact both of these CHEMICALS can not cross the blood brain barrier, so an injections of these two chemicals have unexpected effects. dopamine is used to restart your heart, and an injection of serotonin will actually cause pain, in fact its in wasp stings for this reason. now i'm no expert, i'm just a gob shite with a love of medical matters. i'm not even a person who has really had to battle depression. I grew up on an island called martha's vineyard, you may of heard of it Obama holidays there. people call it a playground for the rich and famous. We islanders, people who are brave or stupid enough to stick round for the winter call it a floating mental hospital. The manic summers give way to a bleak winter where nearly everyone is self medicating. When i was about 12 a friend of my parents built a bowling alley sure that what the island needed was a meeting place with a wholesome activity on offer.it didn't really work out as it turned out they would really rather sit and home and moan. I think it taught be lot of about how depression works, and even more importantly how to make myself happy, i discharged myself in 1996. however i do still return for holidays. Last year the prime minister tried to measure the nations happiness, with a tick box form. the results are cheery 75% of the population are at least medium happy in their lives. i got curious how did this compare to other countries, i did find one survey of Americans done earlier this year stating sadly that only one 3rd of the population reported feeling very happy. one big difference I've noticed in the two places is Americans don't seem to believe there meant to be sad and the Brits don't seem to think that they should be happy. America is Prozac nation and here we all keep clam and carrying on. I think this counts of evidence of what i'm saying, america is lamenting not all being jubullent whilst in England we are just glad most of the population doesn't feel too bad. I do think that essentially the same problems that are making us sad probably world over.apparently 80% of the British population feel medium to high that what they are doing is worthwhile. now i have to admit this is not what i'see on a day to day basis, but maybe i 'm just moving in the wrong circles.If you look at this chart, people are rating there happiness most people working are 10% less happy than the ones who aren't, or those who have let to realize that yeah this is what they are doing with there lives.Now i'm no better, I do vigorously try and avoid doing anything i don't enjoy, though money would be nice i learned years ago that being paid for things makes me enjoy them less, it somehow sullies the experience. i'm not getting paid to be here now, i'd bet real money that if i was you would laugh less, that is if i'd agreed to do it at all. I recently bought a kiln, with the intention of making pottery into some kind of day job. its been a saga so far involving 2 kilns,2 Tibetans, 2 local lads one polish boy and some scrappers, and its not over yet. It still needs wiring in and the huge quantity of electric it will use paid for. All the while i love that thing, it almost embodies my freedom but i'm scared that once its all in place i'll go off it once it becomes about money. It would seem the best case scenario would be me only going off it ten percent. I see a lot of people who claim they will be happy once they get a girlfriend,that new job a bigger house or loose 20 pounds. and they never seem to notice that there happiness never changes and the car didn't fix nothing and the girlfriend actually seemed from the outside to make them miserable, though not as badly as her leaving did. I would argue that non of these things can be a passion, if these people found something they needed to do the car they drove there wouldn't matter, they might even not mind taking the bus. One thing I truly believe is that in order to be truly happy you have to allow your self to be sad. I have found a recovery from a period of sadness teaches you a lot about why you where sad and how to prevent it happening again but more importantly what makes you happy. I see a lot of people dulling the sad with booze drugs, s.s.r.is . It ain't fun, and i don't advice wallowing but i think its best to face it head on, feel it cry and nash teeth then figure out what the lessons are on offer. Avoiding it whatever method you use it will go on and on and catch you out no matter where you run. Think often the goal is not happiness for people, without realizing it they create a state of unsad, which i guess could seem preferable but is nowhere near the same thing as happy.i think society places quite a lot of value on this unsad state, i don't even mean we are encouraged to consume lashing out for cars and clothes in hopes of filling some emotional void, though we are. I just mean it where we are most comfortable. At a point in my life i was most happy i was spending almost all my time painting, i'd meet friends and have nothing to say, nothing to complain about. I discovered the answer to "how are you" is no more "really, really happy" than it is "fucking depressed" The response i'd get was a look of deep suspicion and a slightly insincere "that's great" i guess i'm lucky it didn't last long.

post comment

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