Find Hope...Recover Your Life (original) (raw)

Just like a phoenix...	[Monday March 22nd @ 11:45pm]
I know I'm probably breaking a couple of rules of the ryl site, but whatever. I just wanted to see what was going on back in ryl. I'm still banned, I still read up on the site. I won't say I've changed. I'm still just as argumentative and passionate about what I believe in and the injustices that I witness. But I am in a different place right now.I am trying to break out and get a referral to those whitecoats. It's hard though, major paranoia over my docs due to family issues has put a barrier between us. I know some people will probably think this is an act and whatever, but it's been at least a year since I last posted there, so it's not. I'm glad they got a Male Support Thread up and running at last but I'm still disappointed how pregnancy and baby support threads take up the whole Vets section. I argued for a separate section because there was just that many threads going on and got refused, felt ignored at the time. Nothing's changed. I won't go back and ask for another chance and I won't sign up with an alias. But I do miss the place. It's probably the only place I could get information on the stuff you can't talk about with your friends. Oh well. Ban me again if you feel like you've got a point to prove. Though I haven't seen Aimee, Typsee or any of the others here. Yours posting, Interstella5555.PS. Has the post reporting craze died yet? It was ridiculous last time I posted, absolutely anything I posted was reported for nowt and then surprise, surprise another six month ban landed in my box. Also, could someone report the fact that while you're banned you can't open PM's? I've got three that I can't read.Nevermind, I bet it's just another flamebait message waiting for me to reply and get another ban....
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[Monday March 22nd @ 11:45pm]

I know I'm probably breaking a couple of rules of the ryl site, but whatever. I just wanted to see what was going on back in ryl. I'm still banned, I still read up on the site. I won't say I've changed. I'm still just as argumentative and passionate about what I believe in and the injustices that I witness. But I am in a different place right now.I am trying to break out and get a referral to those whitecoats. It's hard though, major paranoia over my docs due to family issues has put a barrier between us. I know some people will probably think this is an act and whatever, but it's been at least a year since I last posted there, so it's not. I'm glad they got a Male Support Thread up and running at last but I'm still disappointed how pregnancy and baby support threads take up the whole Vets section. I argued for a separate section because there was just that many threads going on and got refused, felt ignored at the time. Nothing's changed. I won't go back and ask for another chance and I won't sign up with an alias. But I do miss the place. It's probably the only place I could get information on the stuff you can't talk about with your friends. Oh well. Ban me again if you feel like you've got a point to prove. Though I haven't seen Aimee, Typsee or any of the others here. Yours posting, Interstella5555.PS. Has the post reporting craze died yet? It was ridiculous last time I posted, absolutely anything I posted was reported for nowt and then surprise, surprise another six month ban landed in my box. Also, could someone report the fact that while you're banned you can't open PM's? I've got three that I can't read.Nevermind, I bet it's just another flamebait message waiting for me to reply and get another ban....

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Hey (:	[Tuesday February 16th @ 7:41pm]
Hey , i'm Charlotte or BeautifulGarbagex3 on RYLPm anytime , I love to get to know people (: x
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	[Tuesday February 2nd @ 12:02am]
I'm now Femme Fatale.:] See you around.
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hi	[Friday September 4th @ 6:00am]
[ mood \| anxious ] hi my name's Roberta - bobbiwibI'm feeling very triggered at the moment - have a history of sexual abuse/ assault which has left me a wreck.6 hours SI free - not very impressive :( I already recognise a couple of you from RYL :) see you around
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Hey this is rel/cuukies	[Friday March 13th @ 12:00am]
[ mood \| content ] Just got a livejournal! I hope this will help!! I am a frequent RYL user.
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hi	[Friday February 27th @ 9:49am]
Hey, it's scáth from RYL (previously xxgothic_angelxx); thought I'd introduce myself on here. See you around the boards.Shadowxx
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new.	[Sunday November 16th @ 6:01am]
Hi everyone!I had a livejournal years ago but am happy to be back, determined to find support on my path to recovery, and help others struggling with the same diseases/addictions/traumas. I will post tonight on my page a summary of my first step so those of you who want to can get to know me a little better. Thank you all for being here and looking forward to sharing my experiences, struggles, strengths, and hopes.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXNiki
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new.

[Sunday November 16th @ 6:01am]

Hi everyone!I had a livejournal years ago but am happy to be back, determined to find support on my path to recovery, and help others struggling with the same diseases/addictions/traumas. I will post tonight on my page a summary of my first step so those of you who want to can get to know me a little better. Thank you all for being here and looking forward to sharing my experiences, struggles, strengths, and hopes.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXNiki

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Angel	[Monday October 13th @ 1:21pm]
[ mood \| crushed ] I typed a thread today on the RYL forum, expecifically in the General Support, titled "HELP ME!" I only got one response and I am cool with that but God, I have so much in my mind. I don't want to trigger anyone or say things in here that would make others hurt themselves but I am so damn triggered right now to hurt myself. You wonder why I titled this entry "Angel," am I right? That would have been the name of my baby girl, the one that I was expecting 6 years ago. It really hurts to lose a baby unexpectedly. I miss her dearly and lately she has been haunting me. Maybe it is because her dad and I are back together or maybe even the fact that this coming Thursday it will make 6 years of that horrid miscarriage, but I can't stop thinking about her. What I hate the most is this constant wish of me being with her. Is like I long and want to die, but I know that if I die right now, I won't be with her. We'll be dead but not together. It sucks that I will have to wait an eternity to see my daughter, but I can hold on. Maybe, just maybe sooner or later I will dream about her in a more pleasant way. Like I once was able to. In other hands, I don't want to think this but, if I am pregnant again right now, I don't want my baby to go through what Angel went through. I want to be able to hold my children, not bury them. I have to go now. I'm at the college library and my mom is coming soon.Ellie
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Angel

[Monday October 13th @ 1:21pm]

[ **mood** |

crushed ] I typed a thread today on the RYL forum, expecifically in the General Support, titled "HELP ME!" I only got one response and I am cool with that but God, I have so much in my mind. I don't want to trigger anyone or say things in here that would make others hurt themselves but I am so damn triggered right now to hurt myself. You wonder why I titled this entry "Angel," am I right? That would have been the name of my baby girl, the one that I was expecting 6 years ago. It really hurts to lose a baby unexpectedly. I miss her dearly and lately she has been haunting me. Maybe it is because her dad and I are back together or maybe even the fact that this coming Thursday it will make 6 years of that horrid miscarriage, but I can't stop thinking about her. What I hate the most is this constant wish of me being with her. Is like I long and want to die, but I know that if I die right now, I won't be with her. We'll be dead but not together. It sucks that I will have to wait an eternity to see my daughter, but I can hold on. Maybe, just maybe sooner or later I will dream about her in a more pleasant way. Like I once was able to. In other hands, I don't want to think this but, if I am pregnant again right now, I don't want my baby to go through what Angel went through. I want to be able to hold my children, not bury them. I have to go now. I'm at the college library and my mom is coming soon.Ellie

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	[Tuesday June 3rd @ 3:15am]
It be emily!Mrs rum..Though I may as well get more active on LJ.
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Back To LJ	[Saturday December 15th @ 10:35pm]
Platinum from RYL.My journal is friends only but give me the right information and I will add you.Eaaa.
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	[Wednesday January 24th @ 8:50pm]
My namw is Carrie!
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It never ends....	[Monday October 2nd @ 7:47am]
[ mood \| dirty ] Last night was bad. I had a seriously nasty time. Reading through a friends old live journal brought back some really horrible memories and I was plunged back into memories so vivid they were real. I could smell, feel and taste him again.I searched for someone to talk to ... but no one was there. I did a really bad thing. I went under the house, found a rope, a hook and a stool and decided to finish it off. I did a really bad job of it too... the hook broke, I hit my head and lay unconcious on the floor until Neil came home and found me 3 hours later.In retrospect, I am glad it didn't work, but at the time... damn. I just wanted it to end. WHY??? over 10 years later and he still haunts me. This is never going to end. I'm in a bad way at the moment. I'm glad I don't have to work.
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It never ends....

[Monday October 2nd @ 7:47am]

[ **mood** |

dirty ] Last night was bad. I had a seriously nasty time. Reading through a friends old live journal brought back some really horrible memories and I was plunged back into memories so vivid they were real. I could smell, feel and taste him again.I searched for someone to talk to ... but no one was there. I did a really bad thing. I went under the house, found a rope, a hook and a stool and decided to finish it off. I did a really bad job of it too... the hook broke, I hit my head and lay unconcious on the floor until Neil came home and found me 3 hours later.In retrospect, I am glad it didn't work, but at the time... damn. I just wanted it to end. WHY??? over 10 years later and he still haunts me. This is never going to end. I'm in a bad way at the moment. I'm glad I don't have to work.

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	[Saturday September 30th @ 6:20pm]
Hi everyone... I am fairly new to LJ, I have experienced much abuse in the past and I am trying to heal. Hoping I can find some people who understand.... Do you think you can help? If so, please add me to your friends list, maybe we can become friends and help each other.......
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Question?	[Monday September 25th @ 3:28pm]
[ mood \| curious ] Hi Everyone! I am new to this community, but I've serfed theRyl website for about four years. There used to be some short stories (fiction) on the site, back when it was ruinyourlife. They were really good, very well written, and they don't seem to be there anymore. I've checked the creative corner, but can't find them. Does anyone hav, or know where I can find them? The ones I spacifically remember are:"Through The Looking Glass""Stop the world I want to get off""Sick Cycle Carousel"Thanks, Ash
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Question?

[Monday September 25th @ 3:28pm]

[ **mood** |

curious ] Hi Everyone! I am new to this community, but I've serfed theRyl website for about four years. There used to be some short stories (fiction) on the site, back when it was ruinyourlife. They were really good, very well written, and they don't seem to be there anymore. I've checked the creative corner, but can't find them. Does anyone hav, or know where I can find them? The ones I spacifically remember are:"Through The Looking Glass""Stop the world I want to get off""Sick Cycle Carousel"Thanks, Ash

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	[Tuesday August 8th @ 8:23pm]
[ mood \| confused ] Hi - I'm Jelly (suicidal_fairy15). I've only just started using LJ (I'm a blogger user but joined LJ to view friends ones and then decided to make my own) so am rather new to all this.Err...yeah...just thought i'd say Hi!!
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	[Saturday August 5th @ 10:13pm]
[ mood \| restless ] Just thought i'd drop by and say Hi...I am a regular on RYL and post under the name "Spikes"
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Hello	[Wednesday August 2nd @ 6:07pm]
Just thought I'd say "Hi!" to all.My username is x_&&[PaperDreams]So, um,Hi!& Well done for not cutting for x amount of times all who have posted below ;-]Nat xo
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36 days	[Wednesday May 17th @ 11:53am]
Well, guess what? I am now at 36 days without cutting. Go me. I feel so much better. Way better. Also, for two days, I've not purged yet,, even though I totally ate like a pig, therefore look like one. But, I can't promise anything on the purging, I don't know how long I can not purge...but I'm trying. But I guarentee that it won't be long begore I purge. Sorry, but it's the truth.Casey's (my guy friend), he's been acting very weird around me lately and we got into a little fight, and now he barely talks to me. I'm sure we'll get through it, but still. The fight was about my cutting, he really thinks that I'm still doing it, and I haven't, and at times, he will believe and other times, he kind of won't. I think that it's because of the way I hold back a lot. Also, he knows that I'm not sick, as in pukey sick, he knows that I'm bullimic now. He caught me again, and now he's really worried about me. At times, I want him to worry about me because it shows that he cares, but at other times, I don't want him to worry about me because when he does, it makes me feel like an attention whore. And I'm not. Well, I'm gonna go now!Later
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36 days

[Wednesday May 17th @ 11:53am]

Well, guess what? I am now at 36 days without cutting. Go me. I feel so much better. Way better. Also, for two days, I've not purged yet,, even though I totally ate like a pig, therefore look like one. But, I can't promise anything on the purging, I don't know how long I can not purge...but I'm trying. But I guarentee that it won't be long begore I purge. Sorry, but it's the truth.Casey's (my guy friend), he's been acting very weird around me lately and we got into a little fight, and now he barely talks to me. I'm sure we'll get through it, but still. The fight was about my cutting, he really thinks that I'm still doing it, and I haven't, and at times, he will believe and other times, he kind of won't. I think that it's because of the way I hold back a lot. Also, he knows that I'm not sick, as in pukey sick, he knows that I'm bullimic now. He caught me again, and now he's really worried about me. At times, I want him to worry about me because it shows that he cares, but at other times, I don't want him to worry about me because when he does, it makes me feel like an attention whore. And I'm not. Well, I'm gonna go now!Later

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25 days	[Saturday May 6th @ 1:27pm]
hey everyone, well first of all, it's been 25 days since I've last cut. Thank God for small favors. On a different note, I still have been purging, and last night, my guy friend heard me and now he's mad at me...I told him that I was sick, and he said that if I was sick, I wouldn't be over the toilet gagging for ten minutes. Then this morning he called me and told me that he was sorry, and that he wants me to come over and watch a movie together again. I hate this. I can't tackle two battles at once. It's already hard enough not to cut, and I can't just throw purging out at the moment. Him and purging is the only closure I have as of now since I'm trying not to cut. It;s real hard. And everyone is expecting so much of me, and I can't return the favor. i'm sorry! Once I feel confident about not cutting...like hopefully 30 more days of si free, i'll try to stop the bulimia.
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25 days

[Saturday May 6th @ 1:27pm]

hey everyone, well first of all, it's been 25 days since I've last cut. Thank God for small favors. On a different note, I still have been purging, and last night, my guy friend heard me and now he's mad at me...I told him that I was sick, and he said that if I was sick, I wouldn't be over the toilet gagging for ten minutes. Then this morning he called me and told me that he was sorry, and that he wants me to come over and watch a movie together again. I hate this. I can't tackle two battles at once. It's already hard enough not to cut, and I can't just throw purging out at the moment. Him and purging is the only closure I have as of now since I'm trying not to cut. It;s real hard. And everyone is expecting so much of me, and I can't return the favor. i'm sorry! Once I feel confident about not cutting...like hopefully 30 more days of si free, i'll try to stop the bulimia.

5 ♥ comment

hi	[Saturday April 29th @ 2:08pm]
Sorry everyone for not writing in here forever. I've just been trying to collect myself lately. I know that must sound stupid, but that's what I've been doing. I've not cut for 18 days. I feel much better about myself because i haven't cut. But I always feel so triggered to. Last night, i was over my guy friends house...(he's not my boyfriend, I just talk to him a lot, and we cuddle and everything, but we're not going out..) Anyways...the last time I cut on my arms, the cuts were VERY deep...and they're just now still kinda raw but are scabbing over, anyways, I was over his house last night and I was cuddling with him, and he hasn't seen my arms in a while, and he was stroking my hand then he went up my arms and dicovered the newish-oldish cuts, and he turned off the movie, and turned on the light..and here's the convo... him....I thought you said you've stopped cutting. me....I did, they're just now scabbing over...(I'm crying by now) him....Those cuts are still fresh, they look like it.... me...i'm promising you that they're from about 3 weeks, it's just that the last time i cut i went real deep, and they're scabbing over now. i'm telling you the truth.. him...I'm sorry, I just haven't seen your arms in a while, and i do believe you... then he took my arm and kissed me on the forehead and hugged me to calm me down for a while. He is so sweet, but I'm so glad that he trusted me because i was telling the truth. I hope all of you are doing fine.
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[Saturday April 29th @ 2:08pm]

Sorry everyone for not writing in here forever. I've just been trying to collect myself lately. I know that must sound stupid, but that's what I've been doing. I've not cut for 18 days. I feel much better about myself because i haven't cut. But I always feel so triggered to. Last night, i was over my guy friends house...(he's not my boyfriend, I just talk to him a lot, and we cuddle and everything, but we're not going out..) Anyways...the last time I cut on my arms, the cuts were VERY deep...and they're just now still kinda raw but are scabbing over, anyways, I was over his house last night and I was cuddling with him, and he hasn't seen my arms in a while, and he was stroking my hand then he went up my arms and dicovered the newish-oldish cuts, and he turned off the movie, and turned on the light..and here's the convo... him....I thought you said you've stopped cutting. me....I did, they're just now scabbing over...(I'm crying by now) him....Those cuts are still fresh, they look like it.... me...i'm promising you that they're from about 3 weeks, it's just that the last time i cut i went real deep, and they're scabbing over now. i'm telling you the truth.. him...I'm sorry, I just haven't seen your arms in a while, and i do believe you... then he took my arm and kissed me on the forehead and hugged me to calm me down for a while. He is so sweet, but I'm so glad that he trusted me because i was telling the truth. I hope all of you are doing fine.

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