Questioning Everything (original) (raw)

5/21/20 12:57 pm - I need to write...

So I need to write.

Not for fun or because I have some burning passion to write, but because I have to.

I'm not... I'm not totally sure how I got to this point in my life where writing has become a major component to it, but I honestly dread it most day; more so now do to the pandemic as it is the only thing I can do. Prior to the pandemic, I had very little time to write, but I would devote a few hours a day to it, squeezing it in between my lab work, teaching work, and service work required for the research center I work at. I looked forward to typing out a few sentences here and there on the research I am doing. I was ecstatic when I was able to sit down and write for a long chunck of time. The words would just come out of me and fill pages of Word/Google Docs. Most of it was just horrible word vomit, unusable, but had something--an essence-- that I could work with, that I could take and polish and turn it into a passable thought.

But now, I can't even get any word vomit on the topics I need to come to me. I sit down, lay down, stand up, turn around, and looking at a computer screen knowing what I need to do, need to write, but nothing comes. My fingers don't glide over the keyboard typing out my thoughts with poor grammar and bad spelling, but sit idle wherever they are as no thought on the subjects I need to write on come.

I have been thinking of ways I can get these thoughts to come back to me and while most are the traditional methods suggested to over come writers block (which I will say don't real help for academic scientific writing) I have thought about taking an untraditional approach of using fanfics to help me write out sections.

For example, using characters from Harry Potter maybe I can have someone in that world try to explain the developmental origins of health and disease paradigm and the importance of it in society. Or have a character explain why baboons are a wonderful proxy for studying human evolution.

Maybe I would write a story about Draco Malfoy becoming a primatologist, as you need money to cover the years you are not getting paid or you are paying to study primates.

Umm... could I do story with minimal plot, but lots of science? Like porn without plot, but instead science with minimal plot? I don't really expect anyone to read my stories or find my plots and character development to be amazing as they are just props to the science, but I do think it might help me simplified version of my proposal and manuscripts. Plus, it anyone does read them they would learn some science from a somewhat obscured field.

This has just been a thought...

5/21/20 12:07 pm - New me, old journal

So, yeah, I haven't posted anything on here in years. Not that I posted much to begin with.

I originally created this journal years ago as a way to read better written and racier fanfic as it seemed like that was the zeitgeist of the time as fanfiction.net was cracking down on the racier writer, who in general were the better writers.

I probably will still use this journal for that purpose, but I find myself also needing an outlet where nobody knows me in real life and nobody will probably read or comment on my posts.

To be honest, I don't imagine what I will write actually being coherent or of any relevance to anyone. I just need a space to word vomit research thoughts, creative writing/fanfic thoughts, and rant about the generally old white male gate keeper of academia who are on some crazy power trips.

6/16/12 09:20 pm - Archaeology in the Mojave Desert

Just came back from doing a surface survey in the hot Mojave Desert, a very stupid idea, but that is the life of an undergradute student. It was a small group of us, just four altogether. An interesting fact about this survey and the research is that it was thought up, researched, put together and implomented all by undergradutes.

Another interesting fact is that I am the only female on the field team. At first, I think the males on the team thought I was only going to slow them down, but that has changed. Today while leaving the survey area, (we can't excavate yet as we are still waiting for the permit to be approved) the team I was with told me that it will not be the same without me next time they come back (I'll be leaving for the excavation in Kazakhstan this Sunday) and that I will always be one of the guys.

Now I think I'll take a nap.

6/3/12 12:59 pm - Not Really Living...

I had a great anthropology professor once tell me that I was not really living. I was a little confused by what he meant. I thought I was living, I go to school, do research, go to work, and hang out with my friends, but he told me that I wont know what living is until I go on an excavation for a few weeks.

But I've been on an excavation before, I remember telling him. He just looked at me and askedhow often was I or someone else at the dig on/checked their cell phones? Was it more then once a day?

The cell question catch me. I had it out the whole time and so did everyone else. I must of check it every hour and updated my Facebook status twice each day. While we were far from the nearest city--about a half a day way--we still had somewhat good cell phone signal.

He then told me about the daily life of doing an excavation, which has change greatly from the time he started about almost twenty years ago.

He told me that at they would get up at the crack of dawn, get ready for the day and dig for a little bit until breakfast, which would consist of maybe oatmeal or bread depending on the country the excavation was taking place in.

After breakfast they would go back to digging until lunch--something light, like a hard boil egg, cheese, a vegetable and bread--and after lunch they would all take a nap for a couple of hours.

They would then go back to digging, but stop a few hours before dinner--can meat or maybe a fresh killed animal, a vegetable and bread.

After dinner, he told me, you might send an e-mail or pictures to you family to let them know you are still alive, but because of the limited power in the camp you can't do much else.

However, because of your limited connection to the outside world everyone starts acting differently.

People start singing and dancing, even though no music is playing. You start drinking the local alcohol--maybe its a fermented horse or goats milk--not something you would normally drink. Ash from the bond fire becomes face and body paint. Everyone is singing, screaming, dancing, hooking up, having a good time, but most of all they are living, you are living. Nothing is preventing you from being you.

Sadly, he also told me, that once the dig is over everyone stops being them.

"I remember after the dig was over," he told me_,"we all stayed in one hotel room together, all eighteen of us, waiting for our flights. We had just gotten in, still laughing and having a good time, when someone turned on the TV. Slowly one by one we stopped talking and started watching. And just like that,"_ he snapped his fingers,"we stopped living."

In three weeks I'll be going on a short excavation for a month in a country with very limited connection to the outside world. I want to try this living thing my professor told me about.

5/27/12 10:32 pm - Pseudo Anthropology/Archaeology

I am an Anthropology Major.

I am proud to be an Anthropology Major.

I try to live my life as an impartial observer, neither approving nor condemning another way of life, as all the great Anthropologists--Malinowski, Benedict, etc.--before me have stated.

There are few things I disapprove of or even dislike, looting (and shows that promote looting *Discovery Channel*) is one of them.

However, I can not stand (broader line hate) for pseudo Anthropology/Archaeology.

It seems like everyone I tell that I'm an anthropology major brings up the TV show Ancient Alien or the book Chariot of the Gods and ask me to explain this or that evidence (Believe it or not there is a natural, logical, human explanation for everything).

So I normally enjoy taking classes with other like minded anthropology majors (never met one that didn't believe humans did it, until recently).

I recently took an archaeology course where I met this gentleman (an anthropology major of course, as only anthro major and lost students who think it's a class about Indiana Jones or dinosaurs take this class). From day one he grated on my nerves, with his side comments, anti-American and feminist view points. (As an American and female I normally don't care what people say, but I don't believe my country was founded by "cannibalistic pigs" wanting to "oppress female into cows.") It was not until recently, when I went to do an archaeological survey in the Mojave Desert for a friend, that I started talking to him (He happen to be a friend of a friend that volunteered to help). As I stated before this guy bugged the crap out of me, but after spending eight hours under the hot sun together I started finding him funny (I'm pretty sure my brain was fried and I was suffering from heat exhaustion, but everything he was saying I was finding hilarious). So I started talking to him before and after class (still bugged the hell out of me, but I took everything he said as a poorly, miss-guided, unfunny joke).

That was until he stated sending me pseudo anthropology/archaeology information visa email and facebook. At first I thought he was sending them to me as a joke, so I laughed them off and started replying back with jokes about the Ancient Astronaut Theory and what not. I must of replied to three or four of his messages before I saw him again in class.

If I had ever ditch a day of this class I wish I would have ditch that day. He came upon me like the aliens that supposedly terrorized the country side of ancient state-base-societies. Not only was he an anti-American feminist, but he also believe in that aliens created human kind with superior alien genetics and that all our ancient structures (with the exception of Stonehenge and Easter Island Maui Statues for whatever reason) were built to serve our alien masters (what the fuck!?!).

All throughout the lecture he kept interrupting with comments about how aliens were the only creditable, logical, and possible answer for the Teotihuacan pyramids (topic of the day). He also started making side comments, while making it a point to look at me, about ignorant, closed-minded, wannabe anthropologist who ignore the truth in front of them.

As it turns out he is actively pursuing a Pseudo Anthropology/Archaeology career (He doesn't call it pseudo, but alternative Anthropology/Archaeology).

I can honestly say I never thought I would see the day that I would met someone who wanted to be a pseudo anthropologist/archaeologist.

1/13/12 09:32 am - Spring 2012

Four classes-$41
One Parking Pass-$20
School Supplies-$123
Six Textbooks-$215

Finding out you have your study buddy in two of your classes, priceless.

This semester will mark the third semester I will have had a class with my friend Jessica, who is just as nerdy and excited about school as I am. Sadly, it will also be our last semester together, as she is transferring and I am here for another year. Funny enough we never plane on taking the same courses and normally we find out each other is taking the same class on the first day.

We have been through a lot together, we have lost sleep together, we have cried together, we have bitched together. After this semester is over I'm going to miss the unfunny sleep deprived laughter, when we realize we are to tired to understand anything anymore.

I only have five more months, until we go our separate ways.

12/25/11 05:22 pm - Giving another shot...

I love to read fanfiction, unfortunately I am one of those people who never really contribute to the fandoms their into. Not that I have not tried too because I have written and posted a few in my younger teenage years. I just never seem to finish or write more than a page or two. I have always had two inabilities really holding me back from writing, my horrible spelling and grammar. Now that I am older and I maybe taking on a writing position soon, something I am not particularly happy with*, I feel like I need to improve my writing. After much thought I decided to give fanfiction another shot.

That being said, I must confess I am feeling a little self conscious. I generally try to avoid writing as much as possible, but fanfiction it is all about writing. After reading some really wonderful authors, I seem to feel even more self conscious. To help myself I decided to revisit some story I have already written and maybe improve on them or write more to them. I don't plan on being a great author, but I would like to be writer who is comfortable with writing and having other read it.

-K.A.T.

*I don't have this position yet and I might not even get it, but I do not want to be disqualified for being a bad writer. The writing part is a small part of the position, I just need to write a journal entry for four weeks on an anthropological dig and give a presentation to my peers. I would be really happy with the position, just not the writing part.