saa_recovery - Profile (original) (raw)

The Problem

Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outside of others.

Early on, we came to feel disconnected: from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.

We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependent relationships and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes, we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. "Please connect with me and make me whole!" we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after "THE BIG FIX", we gave away our power to others.

This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness and pain. We were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.

Our habits made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the "chemistry", the connection that had the magic, because it bypassed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.

First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.

The Solution

We saw that our problem was three-fold: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Healing had to come about in all three.

The crucial change in attitude began when we admitted we were powerless, that our habit had us whipped. We came to meetings and withdrew from our habit. For some, this meant no sex with themselves or others, including not getting into relationships. For others it meant "drying out" and not having sex with the spouse for a time to recover from lust.

We discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn't kill us, that sex was indeed optional! There was hope for freedom, and we began to feel alive. Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our isolating obsession with sex and self and turned to faith and others.

All this was scary. We couldn't see the path ahead, except that others had gone that way before. Each new step of surrender felt it would be off the edge into oblivion, but we took it. And instead of killing us, surrender was killing the obsession! We had stepped into the light, into a whole new way of life.

The fellowship gave us monitoring and support to keep us from being overwhelmed, a safe haven where we could finally face ourselves. Instead of covering our feelings with compulsive sex, we began exposing the roots of our spiritual emptiness and hunger. And the healing began.

As we faced our defects, we became willing to change; surrendering them broke the power they had over us. We began to be more comfortable with ourselves and others for the first time without our "drug."

Forgiving all who had injured us, and without injuring others, we tried to right our own wrongs. At each amends more of the dreadful load of guilt dropped from our shoulders, until we could lift our heads, look the world in the eye, and stand free.

We began practicing a positive sobriety, taking the actions of love to improve our relations with others. We were learning how to give; and the measure we gave was the measure we got back. We were finding what none of the substitutes had ever supplied. We were making the real Connection. We were home. © 1982, 1989, 2001 SA Literature.

Introduction

Attending Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings starts us on a new way of life. Sex Addicts Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other so they may overcome their sexual addiction and help others recover from sexual addiction or dependency. Sex Addicts Anonymous is a spiritual program based on the principles and traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Membership to saa_recovery is open to all who share a desire to stop compulsive sexual behavior, whether you are currently attending sex addict meetings or not. Our common goals are to become sexually healthy and to help other sex addicts achieve freedom from compulsive sexual behavior.

RULES

1. This is not a place to meet sexual partners.

2. Try not to use offensive language, or descriptions that are too explicit. When in doubt, place it behind a cut.

3. Avoid mentioning specific names or places associated with the acting-out behavior, including other LJ users.

4. Members may not belong to another community that is directly opposed to the healing process of a sex addict. This includes communities devoted to the subject of erotica, masturbation, promiscuity, sexual photography, and sex in general.

5. Upon joining this community, please introduce yourself and share whatever thoughts and feelings you are comfortable with for your own recovery. It could be as simple as: "My name is Dave and I'm a recovering sex addict. I've been sober since March 25, 2005."

6. Contribute! Share your experience, strength, and hope. Listen to your fellow addicts, and support them in their recovery journey.

7. Keep coming back! It works, and you're worth it. Perhaps you should post a weekly (daily? monthly?) check-in on your progress?

Abstinence in SAA

Our goal when entering the SAA program is abstinence from one or more specific sexual behaviors. But unlike programs for recovering alcoholics or drug addicts, Sex Addicts Anonymous does not have a universal definition of abstinence.

Most of us have no desire to stop being sexual altogether. It is not sex in and of itself that causes us problems, but the addiction to certain sexual behaviors. In SAA we will be better able to determine what behavior is addictive and what is healthy. However, the fellowship does not dictate to its members what is and isn’t addictive sexual behavior. Instead we have found that it is necessary for each member to define his or her own abstinence.

We are individuals, and our addictive behaviors, while similar, are unique to us. What may be healthy for one member would be clearly addictive for another. We simply cannot predict every possible way of acting out and define them all for everyone. We wouldn’t want to deny that any particular behavior might be acting out for a member. Nor would we want to restrict behaviors that are healthy for some of us. Since different addicts suffer from different behaviors, and since our sexuality is experienced in so many different ways, it is necessary that SAA members define for themselves, with the help of their sponsors or others in recovery, which of their sexual behaviors they consider to be “acting out.”

The Twelve Steps of Sex Addicts Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and to practice these principles in our lives.

The Twelve Traditions of Sex Addicts Anonymous

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon SAA unity.
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. The only requirement for SAA membership is a desire to stop compulsive sexual behavior.
4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or SAA as a whole.
5. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the sex addict who still suffers.
6. SAA groups ought never endorse, finance or lend the SAA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
7. Every SAA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
8. Sex Addicts Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
9. SAA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. Sex Addicts Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the SAA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

How We Live

We maintain our recovery by working a daily program, in the knowledge that although we can never be perfect, we can be happy today. We can live life on life’s terms, without having to change or suppress our feelings. Our serenity and sobriety grow as we continue to live according to spiritual principles. We enjoy the gifts that come from being honest and living a life of integrity. We ask for help when we need it, and we express our love and gratitude every day. We realize that everything we have been through helps us to be of service to others. We learn that the world is a much safer place than we had ever known before.

The Three Circles

The three circles is a simple tool we use to define our sobriety for ourselves; to define what a healthy sexuality for ourselves can mean. We sort through all our behaviors and organize them according to whether they are addictive (inner circle), behavior that can lead towards our addiction (middle circle), or healthy behaviors that keep us sober (outer circle). It's not always easy to tell if something should be in the inner circle or not. Typically, inner circle behaviors are those that:

- You can't stop when you want to
- You keep secret
- Would have negative consequences in your life if revealed
- You use to numb yourself from difficult feelings
- Lack any real intimacy or respect

Having clear boundaries makes working our recovery easier. It helps us know what areas to avoid, and which ones to encourage.

Why don't you try it for yourself? List specific behaviors and categorize them as follows:

Inner circle - Compulsive sexual behaviors from which we choose to abstain completely.
Middle circle - Behaviors which are much less destructive and weaker in intensity. They cause us less of a problem but tend to slide us back to the inner circle. Some may consider these "gateway drugs". These behaviors should be a warning sign. You can also put behaviors about which you are unsure in this category.
Outer circle - Things we do which enhance our lives and our recovery, that keep us engaged with others and with reality rather than isolated and in a fantasy world.

Remember, your circles will change as you learn more about your behaviors during your recovery.

These are mine:

Meetings For Sex Addicts

- Sex Addicts Anonymous
- Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
- Sexaholics Anonymous
- Sexual Recovery Anonymous

Meetings For the Partners of Sex Addicts

- COSA - 'Codependents of Sex Addicts' or 'Co-Sex Addicts'.
- S-Anon - This is the counter part to Sexaholics Anonymous.

Meetings For Recovering Couples

- Recovering Couples Anonymous

Useful Links

- International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals - An online resource for sex addiction professionals and a tool to find a therapist who is certified.
- Sexual Addiction - A huge resource of helpful articles and links to resources.
- Sex Help.com - Resources for the recovering sex addict, including online tests to asses your behavior.
- Recovery Nation - Resources for the recovering sex addict and their partners.
- Heart To Heart Counseling Center - Resources for the recovering sex addict.
- Sex Addiction Help - Resources for the recovering sex addict.
- Operation Integrity - Resources for the recovering sex addict.
- No-Porn.com - Features an anonymous support board forum and the book Ten Keys to Breaking Pornography Addiction.
- Porn Addiction Info - Features an anonymous support board forum.
- Porn-Free.org - Free online studies, articles, links, daily devotional, and testimonials.
- Pure Life Ministries - Various resources for the man in recovery and restoring marriage.
- Setting Captives Free - Christian based online studies for recovery from addiction.
- XXX Church - Christian based support and resources for the pornography addict.
- Sexual Recovery Institute - Counseling for those in recovery and their partners.

Books On Sex Addiction

- Books by Patrick Carnes on Amazon.com
- Books by Robert Weiss on Amazon.com

Highly recommended

if you are having difficulty with the "Higher Power" aspect of recovery: One Breath At A Time by Kevin Griffin