Pretend to start choking or he'll get really mad! (original) (raw)

So by my reckoning, it has now been 36hours and 45minutes (approx) since I last slept. While this sounds bad, my personal record for sleep deprivation is 62hrs. Admittedly I was a lot younger back then and on that occasion, was pretty much drunk for the duration. I was also extremely hyper and happy. As I recall, I passed out sitting with my back next to a tree stump by an open fire on Sudbrooke Scout site. My friends' woke me about an hour later, just to check I was alright and also point out, with great mirth, that I'd dropped off mid sentence (or possibly song) and begun to snore. The no sleeping was mostly caused by my being in environs that simply were not conducive to sleep. So I didn't.

Whereas now, I'm twice as old, decidedly sober and enjoying an anxiety attack that's been running for the past 20hrs or so.

As a rule, I get about 3-4hrs uninterrupted sleep a night. If I go to sleep at 11pm, I will be awake around 3am wondering what the fuck is going on. From 3-6am I drift in and out of sleep multiple times an hour. That time reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally drags. 6am-7am is invariably the longest hour and also the point where I most likely to conk out and oversleep again. At the best of times, as of late, I am running something of a sleep debt. The plus side is that I'm usually pretty good to go at all hours for a LARP event.

Last night was extremely tedious, with me trying to go to sleep and my brain going “AHA!” at me, and dropped a fresh new anxiety into my head. It is all completely irrational, but once it starts to spiral out of control, there is no stopping it. All the techniques I've learned for hammering my anxiety down just fail in the face of such an onslaught and that combined with exhaustion and depression, really sounds the deathknell of a good night's sleep.

And last night it just went on and on and on and on and on and on.

How am I feeling now?

Muzzy headed. Co-ordination is definitely off. I certainly don't consider myself safe to drive. I didn't go into work because I figured that I'd be useless and also couldn't face anyone. My manager, Mark, was very understanding about this and do think he is genuinely worried as to the extent of what is wrong with me.

So am I for that matter.

Do I feel tired?

Physically and mentally, yes, I do. Emotionally I burned out about 3hrs ago when I spoke to Mark. Now I'm just sort of..........meh.

Can I sleep?

Fuck no.

Made the bed, but new duvet cover on and everything. Made myself comfortable. Closed my eyes.

Swore.

Opened my eyes.

Did some hoovering.

Came here and started writing.

Now. What I'm reading on screen makes all kinds of sense to me, but it is entirely possible my brain is filling in the blanks and you're staring at a screen of incomprehensible gibberish and profanity.

Which isn't really that much different to normal.

I might walk the dogs in a bit. My only worry about that is that I kept treading on them this morning as I wasn't really able to co-ordinate where I was going.

Yes. Yes. I am going to the Doctors first thing tomorrow morning and beg for better drugs. Ideally better anti-depressants. Not sleeping pills. We tried sleeping pills and my body shrugged those feckers off like my chant of melee immunity shrugs off normal damage. “No effect.”