Serene Daydream (original) (raw)

06 September 2006 @ 05:28 pm

I started a new journal. If you haven't added me yet, please do so.
hearts_of_hope

Everybody is invited to read it. I promise it will be better than this one.

02 August 2006 @ 08:31 pm

I have some credits for music downloads. What should I get?

Please help me.

...And I need something new to listen to.

( I listened to this song today Collapse )

Current Mood: melancholy

Current Music: Yo Yo Ma.

If I could, I would let anyone stand in my place for just a moment. I'd want them to see everything, know everything. I'd want them to know how amazing my life is, how hard it is, all the small things that happened. For just a moment, just so you could understand. Just try to understand the intensity and complexity.

I read through two of my old notebook journals last night.
You couldn't pay me to live through my first 3 years of high school again. I wouldn't go through that willingly.

This past year, despite all the hard stuff, has been amazing.

...but back to the first paragraph. I'd want them to understand why this is such a difficult situation right now. "This" will remain undefined, and neither Rachel nor Brian will strangle it out of me.

Current Mood: sick sick

Current Music: Calfornia One Youth and Beauty Brigade

I slept outside last night. I was afraid that if I was left alone with my thoughts inside the house, I would go crazy.
It makes me feel more calm, sleeping outside. It's like the world is

~~waiting to kill me with things lurking in the shadows~~

going on with life problem-free.

But inside my head is a different story.

oh man, I thought I was going to die today. I felt like I was going to faint at the hospital. But I didn't say anything about it, and walked off to the bathroom. After I stopped sweating and my vision came back, it was okay.
Hospital food hardly made me feel better and I kind of fell asleep out on the patio.

I was there for job shadowing today. The lab was probably just as you imagine it to be. We even wear lab coats. One of the woman I met...her name is Jo, she was so nice to me, and took a real interest in me. Sometimes I wonder why I'd want to study microbiology, phlebotomy, and chemistry; other times, it's like... well, duh.

In the evening, my sister and I went out to the field behind our house. The farmer recently harvested the crop into bails of straw. The wagon piled with the bails is conveniently near our yard! We climbed up into the straw and sat there for awhile.
It reminded me of living in Sweden last summer. It was a farm and we harvested the straw and I sat in it with Dennis. We sat in the field too, not talking, waiting for the tractor to come back so we could bail more straw...

There is also good news, but I will wait until Wednesday night or Thursday morning to write about it.

Current Mood: busy .

Wednesday:

Is this a dream?

I had a wonderful day. My heart was beating so quickly I couldn't breathe.
It was cool outside, but I laid down in the sun so that my skin absorbed the warmth. Even my heart felt warm.
I jumped into the pool; I felt so good that even the water wasn't cold.

I found the penny that was thrown in the day before. I'm going to keep it for good luck.

Thursday:

So I had been feeling sick the past few days.
A complete stranger at work came up to me and said: "can I give you some advice? Take a nap." and he told me that I was yawning too much. I was really really tired.

I went to the emergency room in the evening.
It was kind of cool, but no big deal. I promise.
The nurses and doctor were nice.

But I don't have time to write now. I'm going out of town for a few days.

Current Mood: tired tired

In bed last night, I was thinking, "this must be what IT is all about."
And it was pretty close to feeling what IT should feel like.

Whatever "it" is, you'd have to experience "it" to know what it feels like to feel it.
Then my limbs seemed to melt away, which was pretty cool. But I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about what Art said to me at my house. Even though at the party I was like whatever. Because I almost don't care at all.

"you're all right." "you're all right." "Chelsea." "Art."
so, maybe I am.
You know what I'm sayin?

There will be no further explanation.

We are back from the city that is New York,

New York!

(New York!).

We did a lot of the traditional touristy things including: the Empire State building, the Statue of Liberty, the Cloisters, Times Square, the United Nations, a Broadway play, Central Park, the Met(ropolitan Museum of Art?), Staten Island. We also used Spanglish, ate at a Cuban restaurante, and took Latin dance lessons-- got to dance with all the boys, fun fun.

New York is... different than I expected. It wasn't as loud as I thought it would be.
But maybe my first few minutes in the city while we still on the bus were my favorite. The teachers said they were watching our faces, not looking out the windows. It was like seeing every kind of person that you've never seen before in your life all at once.
I can't imagine anyone living there. First of all, the drive into the city takes an hour or more. Other things too..
I couldn't imagine living there until I saw Central Park. That seemed to make everything okay. It's a lovely place with children playing and turtles swimming and people relaxing and reading.

We came back minus our Spanish teacher and her hostdaughter Josi from Germany who are staying in New Jersey ("neew year-say"- with the Cuban accent) with her husband. Ohhh, they are so cute together! Illeana and David, they really match and fit together.

I wondered how it would be on a trip with people I only felt neutral toward, but it didn't take very long for me to love most of them.

I had a lot to think about on the 12-hour busride home. Well, think and sleep, and occasionally listen to conversation.
I might write about it later in a not-so-public entry.

The only state I added to this map was New Jersey.
States I've been to:

create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

Grab your favorite book, be it a novel or quote dictionary. Name the book. Ask five questions and flip to a random page. Post your answers, interpret them, and tag five people.

I'm typing the 5 questions first. The book is

The Catcher in the Rye

by J.D. Salinger. It was on my floor, not my bookshelf because I needed it yesterday.
NOT saying that it's my favorite book, not saying it's not. I get weird when people ask me my favorite anything. Or when people ask me anything at all.

1. Should I tell him how I feel?
"I started thinking how old Phoebe would feel if I got pneumonia and died. It was a childish way to think, but I couldn't stop myself. She'd feel pretty bad if something like that happened. She likes me a lot. I mean she's quite fond of me. She really is. Anyway, I couldn't get that off my mind, so finally what I figured I'd do, I figured I'd better sneak home and see her, in case I died and all."

I think this means we'd better confess our undying love for each other. Think of how sad we'd be if the other died!

2. Was I selfish?
"But I don't feel like discussing it. It wasn't too nice. Don't ever try it. I mean it. It'll depress you."

I don't think I have to interpret this one.

3. What's my biggest flaw?
.."he's behaving like a perfect- I don't know what...

I'm behaving like a... I don't know what!

4. What do I have to look forward to?
"It made me feel better. It made me feel not so depressed anymore."

What makes me feel better? Something makes me feel not so depressed anymore.

5. Advice on future love?
"Certain things should stay the way they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and leave them alone."

Alone forever!
OR, trying to be positive... it could mean that things are good right now and later in life I'll probably look back at this time and wish things had stayed how they were.

This is a picture of Joyce holding me in some town (not the one we lived in) in Colorado. I found this picture today while looking through boxes of photographs, most of them of me back when I was a cute little towheaded child. He used to take so many, when I was younger. I couldn't post the others because they are still slides.

I don't know why I like this one so much. It looks so OLD, and I love black and white photographs. Especially this one because there is so much contrast.

I think he must have developed it in our darkroom, back when we had a darkroom.
I might post more later.