Can We Talk? (original) (raw)

Laurynn were I are playing a matching game and it goes "Name a holiday"...
"Flag Day"
- Me
"Hallowmas"
- Laurynn
*looks up* *smiles*
- Me
"What? It's Halloween mixed with Christmas."
- Laurynn
"Now you know that's not coming up there."
- Me
"It's a holiday. It counts."
- Laurynn
"You know what? *laughs* It totally counts."
- Me

Listen…
I have therapy in about 19mins. I have a few issues that need mapping out. Mostly about what happened over the weekend. See, over the weekend Kai ask me about how Brittney left this world and I discovered that they have bold faced lied to him about that day. Apparently he's being told that she was struggling with stomach pains, took some meds and just didn't wake back up. Kai is suspicious of this version of events because he's always known that Brittney died of an overdose. He's also aware that you hafta pop quite a bit of pills to pass away so of course, he has questions.
After finding out what he'd been told, I was instantly confused because despite the fact that I've told him several times that the day before she died, I gave the son she was carrying the name Xavier, he somehow never made the connection that she was at my house because he'd been told that they had a party at the compound. (Y'all remember that house? I remember that house) Now, I am highly aware that the party that we speak of happened at my house. Kai said he thinks that he wasn't told this detail because he thinks the people across the pond fears he would feel animosity towards me. To which I instantly went: “For what? I didn't do anything.” (Apparently there's quite a bit of tension whenever my name comes up over there. Why? No idea) Which isn't entirely accurate. I didn't have a hand in what happened to Brittney, this I know but I have also grown enough as a person to know that we should not have been living it up with a pregnant person. *sighs* We were all super, duper, uber, VERY stupid back then. This me would know better.
Now, as I told Kai, I dunno what happened after they left my house so I can't say if the party at the compound was real or not. (I mean, they left my house somewhere after 11 so the likelihood is slim to none but I can't say for sure so I did not)
So then he asked me did I think she would still be alive had the dark lord called 911 first instead of his mom. Now, years ago I mentioned how much this detail bothered me. I was told it was so that there was time to get Kai out (But Kai wasn't at my house that night so why would they go pick him up if they knew they were gonna have a party? 🤔🤔🤔) so that DSS wouldn't get involved but um, fuck cops and DSS. If there's a chance, why not take that chance? He asked if that meant the baby could've been saved and again, with both things, I had to admit that I didn't know. I wasn't there and that truth ate me up for years. If I could take back all of it, I would.
Then Kai started to cry and ya know, I know he loves his sisters but with how things have been across the pond, I'm sure he's wondering how different things would be were Brittney still alive. He wants his mom. Not his grandma, not me… The real one. If I could give that to him, I would.
I tend to wonder how different things would have been had she survived that night. I used to wonder would things have gone differently had she stayed at the house with us instead of going home. It will forever bother me that I don't have the answer to that question.
I also wonder had I been this me instead of past me would she have given me custody instead of Player 456's mom. I tell myself that she would have cuz there's no way she could have seen any of this in Kai's future.
I wonder alot of things when it comes to Brittney.
It eats me up that it will forever be just that: Me wondering
Later
PS: I've had time to think about it and no. No. No. It's not me that they're trying to prevent the animosity for. They don't really like me so I'm sure they would love for the kids to not wanna come over here. After therapy I really had time to sit with what I remember from that night and yeah, it has nothing to do with me. It never did. Pfft. I know what they're doing. Those people are fucking gross
PS2: I feel as it's best to wait until Kai turns 18 to tell him what all I know. His brain is already fried enough. I don't wanna be the one to add to it. I also don't want him to think there's this huge conspiracy surrounding that night. I also wish I knew if they had gone home and thrown another party cuz why? Why would you? Why was Kai even there? (Allegedly)