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12:47 am: I am reading an unfathomably dull mid-19th Century Russian realist novel for class. If you are, too, or are otherwise bored, have some juvenile surveys!

Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids? 'Have you ever kissed someone?' 'Missed someone?' 'Told someone you loved them?' 'Drank alcohol?' Here are 50 questions for the people who are a little more "mature"...

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
All of them. But I guess rent most of all because at least I can pay the other bills online, and on top of that, our previous landlords were complete idiots and consistently misplaced our cheques.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
It was sometime in May. I don't remember where. Probably Volo.

3. Last time you puked from drinking?
Hmmm...June, I think.

4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
Like, on a counter at a bar? Never.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Jennifer Lespierre

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Barack Obama

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
In chronological order: paleontologist; paleontologist/ballerina; paleontologist/figure skater; veterinarian; marine biologist; entomologist; etymologist; meteorologist (specifically, a tornado chaser, and no, not because of Twister, although Twister rules); novelist; acid-tongued journalist; high school teacher; university professor.

8. How many colleges (universities) did you attend?
Just one so far.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
My other shirt was a girl.

10. GAS PRICES?
Are one of maybe three benefits of not having a driver's license.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you?
The second half of this question is missing.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
It didn't.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Nice bedspread, asshole.

14. Favorite style of underwear?
bikini

15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex?
boxers

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
making the bed from scratch

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer?
Yes.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
sleep in

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
I have too many. Oooh, this calls for a top 10 list! In no particular order: 1. Barney Gumble (The Simpsons); 2. Coach John McGuirk (Home Movies) ; 3. Belle (Disney's Beauty and the Beast); 4. Jason Penopolis (Home Movies); 5. Troy McClure (The Simpsons); 6. Cinderella (the Disney incarnation of); 7. Daria (eponymous); 8. Nicodemus (The Secret of NIMH); 9. Dexter (Dexter's Laboratory); 10. Brain (The Pinky and the Brain)

20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
a-wassailing

21. Have you found real love yet?
Yes, but I find the idea expressed here and elsewhere that the word "love" naturally implies "romantic love" to be irritating.

22. When did you first start feeling old?
I don't usually feel old, but it did blow my mind to hear that they were making a period piece about kids going to see the first Star Wars prequel (Fanboys).

23. Favorite 80's movie?
Die Hard

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
corned beef

25. What do you get every time you go into Sam's Club? Or Walmart?
I don’t.

26. Beach or lake?
That's retarded.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No, I think calling something "an outdated ritual" because it doesn't currently appeal to you is immature.

28. How many people do you stalk on Facebook?
I look at strangers' profiles when I'm bored, but I don't revisit them. Is that like stalking dozens of people half-assedly?

29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Smoking while drinking. Also my least favourite guilty pleasure.

30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
Jet Set Fraternity Gangbang 3

31. What's your drink?
coffee, hot chocolate, ginger ale, water, vodka tonic, red wine

32. Cowboys or Indians?
Horses.

33. Cops or Robbers?
Guns.

34. Who from high school would you like to run into?
one of my favourite teachers

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
I don't have a car and I haven't listened to the radio in at least seven years.

36. Norm or Cliff?
I never watched Cheers.

37. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons?
The Simpsons

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
fucking Matt Damon

39. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
I don't have a job right now, but when I do, the answer is almost always "meh."

40. If you could get away with it, who would you kill?
Lyndon 'Duke' Hanson, Scott Seamans, and George Boedecker

41. What famous person(s) would you like to have dinner with?
I would probably be intimidated into silence by someone I genuinely admire and respect, so I'm going to say Noel Gallagher, for sheer entertainment purposes.

42. What famous person would you like to sleep with?
George Foreman. Each and every last one of 'em.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
No.

44. Last book you read for real?
A really fucking boring realist novel with long-winded passages about grain farming. For real.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
I have several.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
in your mom

47. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
somewhere in California

48. Do you go to church?
No, and on the rare occasion that I do pay lip service to a higher power, it's at a synagogue.

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
My pleasure is my business.

50. Just how OLD are you?
22

And now, an idiotic survey that claims to guess your age based on the extent to which you are or are not retarded (atrocious grammar and syntax intentionally left in)!

put an X in the ones you do then add it up and thats your age!

[x]I know how to make a pot of coffee
[xI do my own laundry
[x] I can cook for myself (if necessary)
[x] I actually enjoy intellectual conversations
[x] I think politics are exciting
[ ] My parents and grandparents have better things to say than my friends My grandmother says it upsets her to have a granddaughter with Jewish blood. Uh, I like my friends.

[ ] I show up for school and or work every day unless I'm sick
[x] I always carry a pen in my pocket/purse.
[ ] I've never gotten a detention Harsh! And the online quiz says, we may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us.
[x] I've watched talk shows to undermine their credibility
[x] I know what credibility means without looking it up
[x] I drink coffee at least once a week

[x] I know how to run the dish washer and or do the dishes.
[x] I can count to 10 in Spanish (I know you could say the same for any number of these idiotic criteria, but what the fuck does this have to do with anything?!)
[x] When I say I'm going to do something I do it.
[x] My parents trust me
[x]I can mow the lawn. Surprised?
[x] I can make adults laugh without being stupid.
[ ] I remember to water my plants.
[x] I study when I have to.
[x] I pay attention at school
[x]I remember to feed my pets

[x] I can spell experience without looking it up
[ ] I clean up my own mess. not consistently, unless we're speaking metaphysically
[ ] The first thing I do when I wake up is get Diet Coke. Maturity, why do your intricacies elude me so?!
[x] I can go to the store without getting something I don't need.
[x] I understand jokes the first time they are said.
[x] I can type fast.

[x] I have realized that the weather forecast changes every hour.
[x] I can look at someone hot without thinking of sex
[x] I realize that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[x] I can read a book and actually finish it.

And there we have it. My soul is three years older than my body.

And if you liked that, you'll love this!

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Are you God's black friend?

2. How much cash do you have on you?
A couple grand worth of gold cuspids!

3. What's a word that rhymes with “DOOR?”
drawer

4. Favorite planet?
Neptune

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile phone?
the jerk store

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
My current phone sucks and doesn't permit me to use my own mp3s as ring tones.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
It says "I don't roll on Shabbos," because I am awesome and so is my roommate/bff, who gave it to me for mah burfdae.

8. Do you “label” yourself?
and others

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing.
I’m not wearing shoes. If I was wearing shoes, I would name them Angelina and Billy Bob.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
crepuscular

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
She should get lj or blogger instead of blogging on facebook. She is a dear, old friend who was clearly as bored and listless as I currently am.

12. What does your watch look like?
When I remember to wear it, it looks like a damn nice watch.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
fucking Matt Damon

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
I think it was from 411, sending me a phone number, but who the hell cares?

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
It used to be Bathurst and St. Clair, but that closed down.

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
apparently

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
my mommy

18. Last furry thing you touched?
your mommy

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
I take prescription amphetamines daily. I think "take" and not "do" is the right word here.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
What happened to that text message question? Quit living in the past.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
8

22. Your worst enemy?
Tom Hanks

23. What's your current desktop picture?
an old mental hygiene poster

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"Anna, what was the last thing I said to you?"

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
Being able to fly could probably get me a million bucks, so flight.

26. Do you like someone?
Are "like" and "want to have hate sex with" the same thing?

27. The last song you listened to?
...MC Rove

28. What time of day were you born?
I don't know. Late, I assume.

29. What's your favorite number?
4

30. Where did you live in 1987?
a red brick house in North Toronto

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
Not that I can think of.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
I doubt it.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was in Mr. Totaro’s grade 11 English class.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
I seethe inwardly.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
yes

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
left shoulder blade or thereabouts

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Assuming for a second that I'm "fluent" in Russian (which is a big assumption), it bothers me that I don't speak fluent French. So, French.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Not if the person I loved was moving to Kenya.

39. Are you touchy feely?
If you mean, am I one of those people who touches the arms of other people in conversation, then, not at all.

40. What's your life motto?
I know noble accents
And lucid, inescapable rhythms;
But I know, too,
That the blackbird is involved
In what I know.

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
heroin, junk, and smack

42. Whats your favorite town/city?
I have several.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
(see 41)

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
When I was feeling insufferably twee?

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
No.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
(see The Sorrows of Young Werther)

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
Not far back enough to see any parts of the tree that don't fork, thankfully.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
I wore a leopard print dress because it was my second last night in Russia, and goddammit, I was gonna wear me some leopard print!

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
No, but I actually had to think about that for a second, like, "Hmmm...do I hurt?"

50. Have you been burned by love?
It happens when you love fire. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA but in all seriousness, don't put a foam plate up to a candle to see what will happen. You know what will happen in advance. You're just being a dumbfuck.