The intelligent wounded speak. (original) (raw)

I'm known to be somewhat of an intellectual snob myself.

...which is why this group appealed to me...

Recently, I finally gave in and 'checked in' to a partial hospitalization program. So, okay, everybody gets sad, but this was getting to be ridiculous. Not ending. And, well, I've played this up-and-down game for a long time, suspecting bipolar, self medicating on heavy things before pulling myself (somewhat) together. Strictly regimented my diet, exercise, sleeping habits, and daily routine to try to live without doctors and meds (because I'm not fond of either).

But I never could quite give that nasty little razor-blade habit up. Everybody has a vice, right?

A few suicide attempts in the past, but dammit! I'm BETTER! Can't you TELL? I know everyone gets sad, I do. But then it wouldn't break...and wouldn't break...I'm used to rapid cycling and mood that shift in four days or so, not three weeks of depression so heavy I found it difficult to move from bed, hours spent staring at the ceiling because consciousness is so *heavy* but I can't sleep for the life of me.

So I started drinking to get to sleep, and cutting again because, well, it helped, and I could feel another *suicide* attempt welling up. Not death, you know? I don't and never did think in terms of eternal and demise, rather rest and silence and relief. I didn't sit and think "I want to kill myself," instead "I don't want to be conscious anymore."

It seems so incongruous with the person I am now that nobody believed me, not really. There was a corporate meeting at my work...I almost passed out. I had these cuts that wouldn't stop bleeding. I mean, seriously...i've been doing this for years. I know how deep to go, I know what kind of bleeding to expect where, I know how to take care of them. But this was unreal.

How do you explain to your boss that you need to go to the med center because you're losing blood at an alarming rate? You don't.

I have no 'support system,' no 'peer group' because I was an alcoholic opiate junky lil' goth girl, and when I tried to clean up everyone I knew had to go, because they were in some way unhealthy for me. And then there was the best friend, who happened to be the love of my life while engaged to another woman. There was an affair which grew into unending jealousy because he was so far away, and since he was cheating on someone, so must I be. Everyone - everyone I talked to caused a jealous explosion of a fight, so I didn't bother.

So this last....meltdown I'm trying to tackle on my own because I have *no one* to turn to, and a coworker checks himself in after a nasty breakup sets a secret into overdrive - severe OCD. He knew I was falling apart and encouraged me to tag along, but no, that's not for me, I can do this. But in the back of my head I know perfectly well this is going bad places, and fast.

I break down and tell another coworker I'm afraid of myself, etc etc. The response nearly pushed me over...he didn't believe me. I *never* ask for help, I'm proud to a fault, but I did and that cry was ignored?

The next day I made the call.

It was so, so hard on my autonomous spirit that prizes my intelligence above all else. Why can't I be smart enough to defeat this? Why is it that people who aren't as smart as me aren't having this problem? Why...why...why...ad nauseum.

Bipolar (not otherwise specified), major depressive disorder (possible psychotic outbreaks) and compulsive behavioral patterns are what the attending psychiatrist wrote down. Depakote ER is what went on the prescription pad.

I hate to admit it, but it's all helping. It was so hard to drop my facade and get help, so humbling to admit I couldn't hold the fraying edges together anymore. But there's been a sense of liberation, too. The medication is working far better than I thought it would, subtle and non-intrusive to my life. It's like I'm actively exploring this part of my persona now, instead of trying so desperately to hide it. I've been really open about it....it feels like I've covered things and and hidden for so long. I don't want to anymore.

And this is part of it. Me, so chronically (initially) shy that even the comfortable anonymity of an internet post will terrify me....look at me! I'm doing this thing, trying to connect with others who understand what all of this is, but who aren't willing to let it *define* them.

this is definitely too long
thanks for listening