Long Time Lurker First Time Poster (original) (raw)

Has anyone ever seen the movie Half Baked? There is a great scene where Dave Chappelle stands up at an AA meeting and States his name and says he is addicted to marijuana.
Bob Saget then stands up and delivers the hilarious line "marijuana is not an addiction. Have you ever sucked Dick for weed?!?"
Dave: "No, no I haven't thanks for putting that in perspective"

The problem is I have.

Hi, My name is T and I have been stonned for 5 years.
It may not be a physical addiction but the mental is just as strong.
I use to justify it..saying it help my anxiety and it was better then me being on paxil or effexor any of the other number of soul numbing drugs I have been perscribed.

I was at one time a very promissing new voice on the horror erotica littery scene. I had great potential.
I haven't written anything in 3 years or more.
I am 28 years old with little more then a highschool education. I have been working shit minimum wage jobs and watching others move forward while I sit on the couch and smoke a bowl.

The good thing is that weed makes you very apathetic so up until recently I haven't really cared much, sure I have hated my station in life...but not enough to actually do anything about it.
weed makes everything "meh"

Now it is affecting my realtionship....drasticly and maybe I didn't even realize how much until last night, when it almost ended.

That is the one thing I won't be appathetic about. The one thing that means the most to me in the world. I would sacrafice anything for the one I love.
Even my comfortable cherished habit.

Day 1. The commitment to myself is no more smoking weed except in the occasional social setting. It may be foolish of me to think I can keep it just occasional but for now I am not willing to go cold turkey and really don't think I need to.
No more smoking before work, no more smoking after work...and definatly no more smoking during. Basically no smoking at home (unless we have guests)
With the exception of a week that I spent travelling in the states last year and couldn't score the entire time (and trust me I was trying every chance I got from the moment we got over the border)I haven't been sober longer then 24 hours in 5 years.
I am not even sure what it is like...or what I am like.

So this is my pledge to myself and to my love.

...and all I can think about is how badly I want to go home and smoke a bowl and how fucking terrified I am.