Child Of My Heart 5 (original) (raw)

Title: Child of My Heart

Subcategory: Harry Potter

Author: Soulseeker

Part: 5/?

Summary: Can a forced marriage bring happiness?

Pairing: HP/ SS, RL / SS

Beta: Kerensa

Warnings: Adult content, male pregnancy, sexual, mental, and physical abuse, childhood abuse, language, non-con sexual content.

Author notes: If you’re looking for a warm and fuzzy Harry Potter story, this ain’t it. Harry’s not nice and he will never be nice in this story. Also, most of the people who died in the books are not dead here: Albus Dumbledore, Siruis Black, Lupin and others have survived for me to twist to my deviate heart’s content. Words between ** are supposed to be in italics.

Disclaimer: I owe nothing but bills. You can have them if you’re really desperate.

Chapter 5

The beginning of the second day began the same as the first. Snape had breakfast, threw up, napped, dreamed, lunched, napped and dreamed. In between the meals, the sleep and the nightmares, Snape struggled to find the meaning in the dreams that continued to plague him.

After much thought and soul searching he believed that he had found the answers. The first dream clearly represented the decision to have the child. The feeling of being trapped, the shadowy figure that could either help or condemn him, the distressed crying.

A marriage to Harry Potter, a man who didn‘t try to hide the fact that he despised him, was clearly the focal point of the dream. Being trapped by the law governing Soul Givers was a no-win situation. He would be married to Potter, a man who would resent him for the rest of their lives and a child would be raised in an almost certainly hostile environment. It would be too much to hope for a happy ending with that decision.

The second dream obviously represented the decision to *not* have the child. The feeling of abandonment, the empty castle, the joyless existence. His life would be meaningless without the presence of children, whether of his own body or children left to his care to teach. Children brought with them their own inner magic, their eagerness to learn and grow. Without that childlike magic, a school was nothing but a big pile of stones; empty and cold.

But despite all of his analyzing of his dreams, he was still stuck with a decision. Should he have the child or not? Each decision came with its own pros and cons. If he had the child, he would be saddled with Harry Potter for the rest of his natural life. If he didn’t have the child, then his life would be long and empty. What to do when he felt that there was still pieces missing from the puzzle?

The answer came from an unexpected source. One of the First Years from the Hufflepuff House came in later that afternoon. He had taken a nasty spill from one of the moving staircases, forgetting one of the first rules that his prefect had told him. When the staircase moved, hold on with your life!

It wasn’t very serious, a bad bump and a twisted ankle, but he would be laid up for the rest of the day and night. It wasn’t so much the twisted ankle, a salve would take care of all of that in a few hours, but it was the bump on the head that concerned the medi-witch. As such, there were no spells or potions that cured concussions. Mr. Peckmen would have to be monitored throughout the night.

Poppy had turned the curtain around the Potions Master’s bed into a solid barrier. She wanted to protect his privacy and to make sure that no one would disturb him while he was still resting. She didn’t think that it would be very conductive to his peace of mind to have a child staring at the Potions Master. She knew that the whole school was very curious about how the man was doing and she didn’t want him to feel as if he was on display. She also knew that Snape never enjoyed being the object of scrutiny.

Not only was the barrier see-though proof, it was also soundproof from the outside. Snape could see and hear everything going on around him, but no one would be able to see or hear him. The last thing that Poppy wanted was for Snape to wake up from a night terror and knowingly scare little Tommy Peckmen. This was more for Snape’s peace of mind then anything else.

Snape watched as Poppy fussed over Mr. Peckmen, settling him in to a fresh hospital gown and tucking him in to a cot not too far from his own. There were plenty of beds in the ward, but he supposed that it was just easier for her to have them both in the same vicinity.

The Potions Master didn’t mind it, after he got used to the idea that the other patient couldn’t see or hear him. He took the time to study the First Year Hufflepuff student. It wasn’t often that he was able to observe another student outside of classes that were not of his House.

He thought of everything that he knew of the boy. He came from a pure blooded family; his parents worked in the Ministry, something to do with Arthur Wesley’s department. They weren’t rich, but more then comfortable. Mr. Tommy Peckmen had one older brother and two younger sisters who haven’t reached the age to attend Hogwarts. The family had always been sorted in to the Hufflepuff House, although that was no guarantee that the girls would be sorted there.

The boy was a good student, diligent in his homework and attentive in class. He was an adequate flyer for a First Year, but not yet up to Quiddich standards. He was usually a cheerful boy, always smiling even in the face of a surprise pop quiz. And he was always willing to help the other students out, whether from his own House or not.

His brother, Evan, was a different story. Although he was also a good student, the boy was lazy in his classes, always looking for an easier way to get better grades. He never actually ’cheated’, but he was never willing to do the actual work in Potions class and was always looking for short cuts. Even when those short cuts cost him a higher grade or House points.

And as for his intra-House relationships, if they weren’t Hufflepuffs they were beneath his notice. Really, with all of the pride the boy exhibited, he should’ve been sorted in to the Gryffindor House. Not only that, his vanity for his House should’ve sorted him into Slytherin. The boy wouldn’t stoop to put out a flaming Ravenclaw if they ran past him.

No, Tommy and Evan might be biological brothers, but they were nothing alike. A fact that Snape was eternally grateful for. He only hoped that the sisters took after Tommy.

Yet, everything he knew of Tommy and Evan Peckmen came from their school files, other teacher’s comments, and his own observations during his classes.

But, what did he *really* know about these boys? What were their favorite colors? Their favorite foods, toys, books? What did they want to be when they grew up? Who were their first school boy crushes? Who was the first girl they kissed or would kiss in the future?

These were questions that he had no answers for, answers that he might never have. In further reflection, the same could be said with most of the students at Hogwarts. Snape didn’t even know his own beloved Slytherins as well as he liked. He hadn’t had the time in the past to get close to those under his care, what with having to spy and trying to distance himself from his students in order to keep them safe. He couldn’t have afforded to be found getting close to any of his students because he didn’t want any of them to have suffered because of him. Lord Voldemort wouldn’t have hesitated to use any of the students as leverage against him.

But now, he had all the time in the world to get to know his charges. At least, as much as they would let him into their lives. There were still raw feelings among them and Snape didn’t know how to help them with that. The younger ones were easier, it was the older ones that still held themselves in check around him. Even though they now knew why their Head of House had kept himself aloof from them all of these years, it still didn’t quite make up for all of the perceived slights from the past.

But, now with the war over, perhaps those burnt bridges will begun to be mended. There was, however, no hope for any reconciliation among the older students of the other Houses.

Poppy restricted the visitation hour to after dinner, more out of concern for her older patient then the younger. She allowed two of Mr. Peckmen’s classmates to bring him his schoolwork from his afternoon classes but cautioned them against any loud sounds because the Potions Master had been in the middle of a nap, although, the students hadn’t known this at the time. The excuse she’d given was that Mr. Peckmen should not be excited because of the head injury. She stood guard over in the Potions Master’s area in case any of them got any ideas about sneaking a peak at Snape.

Poppy didn’t have anything to worry about. They were more then occupied with amusing antidotes about one of their classmates attempts at Transfiguration. Apparently, the girl turned her mouse part way into a piece of cheese instead of a cup. The poor girl kept rapping the cheese for twenty minutes trying to get it to turn back while the mouse part tried to eat itself.

Snape woke up in the middle of the story. He wished that he had friends like these when he had been a student. Hell, he wished that he had had *any* friend back in his school days. Someone to laugh with, someone to share homework with. Someone who would have visited him when he was frequently in the school infirmary, recovering from one prank or another played on him by the Marauders.

Not even his own Head of House had come to see him. Instead, Headmaster Dumbledore had been his only visitor during his convalesces. The visits had always been tense on both parts, Snape wanting the Headmaster to deliver harsher punishments, the Headmaster wanting Snape to try to get along better with the other students.

It wasn’t as if Snape hadn‘t *tried*. He had discovered early on that making friends wasn’t in the cards for him. He couldn’t let anyone close, least they discovered what his home life had been like. After a few disastrous attempts, he had only wanted to learn and to be left alone. It was just that the other students usually started any trouble first. Merlin knew, he didn’t get any peace at home; he just wanted to keep to himself at school. But, the other students wouldn’t leave him be.

But, that was all in the past. He might not have had any friends, but that made him even stronger. It allowed him to become an excellent spy for the Light when he didn’t have to worry about protecting someone close to him. It also kept him from receiving any looks of pity if any of those friends had ever found out about his father.

Snape was slightly jealous when he discovered that Mr. Peckmen’s dinner was much better then his own. *He* got roast beef, mashed potatoes, string beans and a large slice of chocolate cake while Snape was still stuck with broth, crackers and watery tea. Now he had no reason to complain to Dumbledore about the hospital food. Well, no *valid* reason since it looked like Mr. Peckmen was going to gain at least a stone before he left the ward.

He glared balefully at the school nurse when she chuckled at his first sight of their meals. She wasn’t worried that Snape would do anything to her. She was just pleased to see shades of the old Potions Master peeking though the shadow that had been occupying the hospital bed.

As her patients occupied themselves with their food, she discovered even more cards, flowers and small gifts from the students to the Potions Master. So far, he hadn’t noticed any of the offerings that she had placed around him. He had a disturbing habit of focusing on a problem with the exclusion of everything around him. She recalled the many times that he had still sat at his seat at the High Table or in the staff room when a solution to a previous potions problem hit him.

Sometimes, the Headmaster himself had to drag Snape to meals when he stayed too long in his lab, working on one potion or another. And also more then once, Snape was seen being dragged yet again out of his lab in order to teach classes because he had been up all night working on an experiment.

The routine on the infirmary ward was slow and easy for the rest of the evening. Tommy Peckmen kept busy with schoolwork, Poppy bustled around as usual, Snape was still silent, still thinking. Things didn’t get interesting until after Poppy retired for the night; with an alarm set to wake up Mr. Peckmen every hour on the hour in precaution of his head injury. If he failed to awaken and shut off the soft chime, an alarm would sound in her room.

It was after curfew when the two interlopers crept into the ward. Normally, Snape would have been the first one to assign detention to the rule breakers, but the continued bouts of morning sickness left him feeling listless and apathetic. There was no fun in it if he couldn’t sneak up on them. Having them practically hand delivered to him took out some of the enjoyment for the Potions Master. Besides, he wanted to know what they were up to.

Evan Peckmen had wanted to see how his little brother was doing. He couldn’t have visited earlier, a critical paper had been due on Monday that he had left to the last minute, and he had spent the dinner hour in the library. By the time he made it to the infirmary to visit during the one dictated hour, Poppy threw him out because both of her patients were resting and couldn’t be disturbed. Evan just figured that old Snape just hung upside down from the rafters of the dungeons, who knew that he occasionally used a bed?

His best friend Cory Whitly hadn’t wanted to be left out of a late night caper and came along. Besides, he hoped to catch a glimpse of Snape himself. There were a lot of rumors circulating on his condition and Cory wanted to cash in a few bets himself.

Both boys glanced nervously at the barrier surrounding Professor Snape’s bed. All three children kept their voices down to a whisper so that they wouldn’t alert either the sleeping Potions Master or the school medi-witch.

“Have you seen *him*?” whispered Evan.

They needn’t have whispered. Snape had developed a keen sense of hearing a long time ago. It was a survival tactic that he needed when he was at his father’s mercy. At the first sound of his father’s heavy footsteps, Snape found a quick hiding spot. In the end, it never really saved him, but it did give him a small amount of time to prepare himself for the upcoming ordeal.

As a student, it had allowed him to keep at least a step or two a head of his tormentors. It saved him more then once from a worse fate then they had planned and it did allow him more than a few victories himself.

As a teacher, he had been able to get the drop on more then one student sneaking around after curfew and it helped him to stop more then a few hexes aimed at the backs of his beloved Slytherins by cowardly students who wouldn’t face their adversaries head-on.

And as a spy, it served him well in enabling him to hear the Dark Lord’s plans even when he was only half conscious and in serious pain. Up until the end, Voldermort had no idea that it had been his own personal sex toy that had been leaking all that information to the Light.

No, those boys might as well have shouted their conversation using a Sonous charm.

“Of course not,” Tommy answered. “Madame Pomfrey’s only let me up long enough to escort me to the loo and back. I’m just glad that she stopped at the door.”

Snape heard the embarrassment in the boy’s voice and he could sympathize with the young man. There had been many times in his past as a spy when he had returned more dead then alive. He had also been unable to go to the bathroom for himself and Poppy had had to perform those tasks for him. Thankfully he had been too out of it during those times or else he would’ve hexed the woman for taking such liberties with his person. Not to mention the revulsion he would have felt to have yet another person touching him without his permission. Snape was still grateful that the school medi-witch had never mentioned those shameful episodes to him or to anyone else.

Part of the Potions Masters brain cringed at how he had repaid the medi-witch for her silent kindness. Not once had he said ‘thank you’ for all of her healings. Instead, he had snarled and snapped at her once he was back in his right frame of mind. He had even threatened her with hexes if she had so much as *thought* of helping him to the ward’s facilities.

Snape had let her fret and hover around him as he pulled his broken body up and made his painfully shuffled journey to the loo. Not once had she smirked or said ’I told you so’ when he would inadvertently re-injured some part of himself by nearly collapsing inside the bathroom and pulled the healing skin and muscles apart by catching himself against the sink or wall. Madame Pomfrey had just quietly and patently patched him back up as he gripped, grumbled and complained about her, her methods and the quackery profession of medical staff everywhere.

Yes, Severus Snape had been an ungratefully wretched patient in the past and he doubted that he would improve in the future. The only thing he could do now was to sincerely and graciously thank Madame Pomfrey for all of the things that she had done for him in the past. He just hoped that she would not expect him to get down on his knees in gratitude.

Snape was so lost in his musings that he had almost missed the next part of the conversation. Almost.

“I heard that he was disfigured so badly, that his face was almost melted off. That’s why he wasn’t able to teach his classes. It takes three days for his face to get back to normal. I wonder how hideous he really is,” commented Cory with more then a little note of bloodthirstiness.

“Well, anything would be an improvement over the old Snape,” Evan replied. The older boys shared a nasty chuckle as Tommy frowned in disapproval.

As one of the First Years that adored the new, more relaxed Professor Snape, Tommy worshiped him. He also knew that trying to defend his teacher would only earn him nasty look and a lick from his older brother. He might just be a naïve First Year, but he was certainly not *stupid*.

Tommy knew that any defense of his teacher wouldn’t be appreciated by anyone that wasn’t eleven. He had heard the horror stories about Professor Snape ever since Evan came home from his first year of Hogwarts and he could tell that *this* Professor Snape was vastly different from *that* Professor Snape.

Not only was Tommy not stupid, he wasn’t suicidal either. Trying to explain to the older students that Professor Snape was new and improved would only garner him looks of disgust and teasing from his fellow House members. Not to mention the beatings he would likely to earn from his brother. Besides, no one would’ve believed him anyway.

Snape watched with narrowed eyes as Cory Whitly snuck across the infirmary floor, intent on seeing for himself.

“Stop!” Tommy Peckman frantically whispered. “Madame Pomfrey put an alarm around his bed. It‘ll sound if anyone tries to go around it.”

Which was an obvious lie that both Snape and Tommy knew, but not Evan and Cory. Cory hesitated. If that alarm sounded, it would wake up both Snape and Madame Pomfrey and then they would really be in for it. Not only were he and Evan out after curfew, but he was about to spy on a teacher. A teacher with no mercy or compassion. It would be suicide to risk it just for the sake of a bet or two. Besides, the old bat could wake up and hex him into next week.

“Did you try it already? And if you did, how are you still alive?” Evan’s estimation of his little brother ratcheted up another notch. Tommy might be a whining bother at times, but he was still his little brother and he wanted him to grow up big and tough. Spying on the school’s most hated teacher would do his reputation a world of good.

“No, but I heard them talking about it,” Tommy boldly lied. He only hoped that Professor Snape would forgive him for it if he was awake and could hear them, but he only wanted to protect the sick teacher. He kept his fingers crossed under the blanket. “Professor Snape wanted to put a shock spell on it, but Madame Pomfrey overruled him. She said that an alarm would be enough. But, he didn’t sound like his face was messed up. I think that Madame Pomfrey was right when she said that he just needed to rest.”

The two boys still cast suspicious glances at Snape’s bed and the Potions Master had an insane urge to stick his tongue out of them. It was childish and immature and he knew that the gesture would be lost to the boys who couldn’t even see him. Still, he had had very few times to act his age as a boy and so gave in to it. He even added a loud raspberry sound to it, grateful that no one could hear him. Dumbledore would be proud of him and he didn’t feel one iota of guilt.

“I miss mum and dad,” said Tommy. “Mum would have read me a story and dad would’ve helped me whittle a new boat out of some of the oak limbs. Sometime I wish that I was back home.”

“Well, you’re not home and you need to buck up. You’re not a little kid anymore and mum and dad would want you to act like a man. We have to get back to our beds before Mr. Filch makes another one of his rounds. We’ll see you at breakfast. And if you do happen to see what old Snapey looks like, clue me in. There is a galleon riding on it.”

The two boys snuck out as Tommy rolled over, gave a little sniff and drifted off to sleep.

The realization of what was missing slammed in to Snape like a two ton Hippogriff. *That* was what was missing. He had never tucked a child in at night before. He had never read a story to one, made a project with one, or even kissed one goodnight.

How could he have? His students were eleven when they come to Hogwarts, too old to coddle, too young to be out on their own for the first time in their lives. No parents, no familiar rules, surrounded by virtual strangers, they were set adrift in the sea of academia. And Snape couldn’t afford to place them in danger by becoming too familiar with them.

He gave them his standard speech at the beginning of every year about working hard, watching out for each other and staying strong. No one else would watch out for them or defend them but each other and himself. They had to rely on their housemates for what little comfort they could get. He, meanwhile, made himself as available as he could between the spying and schoolwork for them.

He tried to set aside at least one afternoon a week to listen to their problems, to assure them that they are the superior students and no one had the right to put them down. If no one was going to watch out for them, he would.

Other then that, he had to force himself to let them handle things on their own. They had to be strong, they had to grow up on their own.

And he regretted that decision each and every day. He had wanted to be there for them more often, to be closer to them like he would’ve wanted his own Head of House to have been. No child should be left alone like that. But, he had to protect them, to make sure that no student felt close to him, to make sure that Voldemort would not pick one of them to use against him.

His students understood why now. They understood why he had to have kept himself aloof from them for all of those years. That last, disastrous mission had driven it home for all of them. He had been keeping them safe all of those years, keeping them from going through at least a tenth of what he had. And, they forgave him for that neglect.

But, no more. The past was in the past. Without his spying duties, he had more time to spend with his students, more time to listen to their problems and to help them with their fears and hopes.

Yet, they were still almost grown when they came into his care. Little adults that had their own opinions and dreams that had been shaped by their parents influence. Snape discovered that he still kept some part of himself from them. Some part that they needed, but something that he didn’t know how to give.

Love.

That was what had been missing all along. They had had their parents for their first eleven years, he was only a substitute for them. A poor substitute at that.

Snape wanted to experience that particular magic for himself. He wanted one person in his life to love him unconditionally, no strings attached. A pure love that a parent had for a child and a love that a child has for its parent. Not the abomination that he grew up with.

He wanted to hold a baby in his arms, wanted to teach it to walk and talk. Wanted to tuck a little one into bed and read it a bedtime story and to assure it that there were no monsters under the bed. He wanted to feel little arms surround him in happiness and to hear a childish giggle. He wanted a child of his own. He *ached* for a child of his own.

Snape’s arms finally gave in to the impulse and he wrapped his arms around his middle, unconsciously cradling the child within him. A baby of his own. A child to love and a child that would love him back. Because, didn’t normal children love their parents?

He had loved his mother, loved her with all of his little heart because she was the one adult in his life that had loved him. His father didn’t count. His father hadn’t loved him. Snape was certain of that. No father who loved his child would’ve ever dared to subject his child to the terror and pain that Snape had gone though under his father’s fist.

Snape thought back to his father. Not once had he ever heard the man say that he loved him. Not once. Even before his mother’s death, his father had treated him with a cold indifference unless he was in the way and then there was yelling and punches. Snape learned at a very early age to stay out of the man’s sight and hearing. And after his mother’s death, well, what the man did was in no way connected to love.

No, Snape could never treat his own child that way. *His* child would know nothing but love from him, the *right* kind of love, the perfect kind of love. A real love that a parent has for a child. No one, absolutely *no* one would hurt his child or make it feel dirty and wrong. He would correct all the mistakes that his own father made with him. Snape felt sure that he could never, ever hurt his own child. He would be the perfect father. Or at least a far better father then his own had been.

But, how would Harry Potter react? Snape had no illusions about that. Potter might hate him, but could he hate his own child? Would Potter learn to tolerate Snape for a spouse? Could some sort of understanding be reached between them for the sake of an innocent child?

The Potions Master held no hope that eventually Potter would grow to love him, but the younger man would never hurt a child, he was certain of that. Snape had heard that Potter didn’t have the best childhood, but at least it was far better then his own had been. Surely, that gave some sort of hope that he would come to care about his own flesh and blood.

The best that he could hope for was that Potter would ignore him during their marriage, to give all of his attention to their child. He wouldn’t mind that in the least. He knew that many of the Death Eaters had arranged marriages and except for the prerequisite heir, they lived apart from their wives. Snape could only hope the same for his marriage.

If he couldn’t have love in his marriage, he would at least have the love from a child. It would be something that he had never experienced before.

None of the men who came after his father had ever uttered those words to him either. They had loved to use his mouth and arse, loved to leave bright bruises and angry red welts, loved to break his bones, burn his skin and hex and curse him until the last image he held before unconsciousness took him was their laughing faces and gleeful eyes.

It was a wonder he hadn’t turned as mad as a March hare. Although, you could not call him *completely* sane.

He kept almost entirely to himself. He didn’t have one true friend, hell, he didn’t have one friend at all. He had plenty of acquaintances, but he wouldn’t call them friends. He could barely tolerate his fellow teachers and they him. Dumbledore was his employer, his superior - a man in the position of authority over him. Friends were supposed to be equal and he was equal to no one.

Snape couldn’t even count Dobby as a *true* friend. Yes, the little house elf had helped him when he was injured at the Malfoy Manor - patching him up and helping him to dress after a particularly bad session with the Dark Lord and his followers.

When Dobby had been freed from his slavery, thanks to Potter’s trickery, Snape was still trapped in a hell of his father’s and Dumbledore’s making.

Even after he had been discovered as a spy and left more dead then alive at the gates of Hogwarts, he and Dobby were still not equals. Friends who were equal each gave and took from the other. He seemed to be the one to do most of the taking in their relationship. He took Dobby’s help when he was injured. He took Dobby’s time when the little house elf came to clean because no other house elf wanted to be in his rooms. And he took pleasure in the fact that the little creature seemed to want to spend time in his company.

And what did he give in return? He had left Dobby creams and salves so that the little creature could patch himself up after one of his former master’s temper tantrums. His patience when he knew that the other professors would have screamed at Dobby’s constant chatter. The little elf loved to talk and so Snape listened, nodded his head in agreement when it was appropriate and gave his opinion when asked for it.

No, he owed Dobby far more then the creature knew, far more then he could ever repay even if he lived to be a thousand years old. Dobby was so far above him that it was laughable to think that he and house elf could ever be equal.

But, he would have his child. A child to love and nourish. A child who would fill the aching void in his life. A child that would love him simply because he was himself. A child who wouldn’t hate him simply because he had been sorted in to a different House.

A child didn’t start out hating anyone. They were taught that by their parents and peers. But, if he taught his child to love, then love was what would ultimately win in the end. Snape’s child would not grow up to be some monster who would take advantage of someone weaker then they were. This child would have everything that he didn’t have growing up. Love and understanding. And hope.

Above all, hope.

The feeling of hope flooded his own body, replacing his everlasting despair. Yes, this child will have hope and love. This child would complete his life. This child could save his soul.

Snape drifted off to sleep with a soft smile on his lips. It had been years since he had done so, the last time that he had an occasion to truly smile was when he had learned that Voldemort had been defeated by the infant Harry Potter. Since then, his reputation as a stern professor had kept him from showing any pleasure least any of his students try to take advantage of him. He had seen time and again how some troublemakers continued to cause chaos simply because they got on certain teachers good side.

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Sharp sunlight pieced the darkness, causing Snape to slowly rise to consciousness. The barrier was missing, that meant that little Tommy Peckman was up and gone. It was morning and Snape felt a spurt of surprise. There had been no nightmares, no bad dreams to disturb his sleep. For the first time since he was eight years old, he had slept straight though the night. The baby was already making his life better.

Snape waited until after the disaster that Poppy had laughingly called breakfast to inform her of his choice. It was, after all, the third day; D day, Decision day. Poppy had only given him three days to decide and now that he knew what he wanted to do, there was no sense in putting things off.

Poppy was nervous. She had given Snape three days to decide his future and she wasn’t sure that she was ready to hear it. She would support him, of course, but she feverishly hoped that he chose to keep the child. A baby would be wonderful for him and she couldn’t wait until the child was old enough to attend Hogwarts. She had no expectations that Snape would stay on as Potions Master, most Soul Givers quit their jobs to join their spouses at their family homes.

Poppy wondered what Snape would do once he had no more pupils to teach. Perhaps this would give him the time he had always wanted in order to develop new potions and improve ones that were already on the market.

She was already missing the fact that she wouldn’t be able to receive any more medicines from him. The Ministry potions that were sent each year was simply vastly inferior products. No matter how many times the Headmaster and Professor Snape informed them that they weren’t wanted because Snape always brewed whatever she needed, they still sent potions and products that were popular with the Ministry at that time. Products promoted by the latest pretty face or famous name.

Useless *crap*, Snape would declare each year and then he would proceed with destroying each vial and jar before replacing them with his vastly superior product. Poppy once asked him why he didn’t put his own potions out on the market, as his would be a very popular product. Snape had merely sneered and replied that no company would put his face or name on any product and he wouldn’t stoop to have someone else take all of the credit for his hard work.

Poppy only hope that Snape’s predecessor would be just as talented, but she doubted it. Professor Snape was unique. Until Snape became the Potions Master at Hogwarts, she had to contend with Professor Slughorn. The pompous twit never stooped to brewing potions for the infirmary unless the Headmaster requested it. Only once did he provide a bill, for supplies and services. His ears rang for two days after Poppy told him where he could stick his bill.

The best and wisest thing that he had ever done was to retire and have Snape take over for him. And now, Poppy would be stuck with someone new.

That is, if Snape decided to keep the child.

Poppy wouldn’t press though. If Snape wanted to wait until the end of the day, that was just fine with her. So, when Snape asked her to sit, she was a bit surprised. He was ready so soon? But, she wasn’t ready to hear it.

However, she pulled up the nearest chair and sat down with her full attention and a racing heart. This was it. This answer would decide the future of a man that she greatly admired. She only hoped that they could both live with it.

Snape took a deep breath and then hesitated. He had never had any trouble with speaking his mind before and wondered what it was that had suddenly and temporarily turned him in to a coward.

Taking a deeper breath, he began again. “Poppy, I’ve made my decision. I’ve decided to keep the child. Please inform the Headmaster that I need to see him in his office. I refuse to deliver this news in a nightshirt and lying in an infirmary bed.”

Poppy let out the breath that she was holding with a whoosh and relief flooding her body. She felt a bit lightheaded and waited until her head cleared before she stood up. Snape was looking at her as if she had grown a second head.

“You thought that I wouldn’t keep the child. You thought that I was going to abort it, didn’t you?” Snape accused her. He felt a stab of hurt. Did the woman have no faith in him at all? Did she judge him just as harshly as the rest of the Wizarding population?

“Of course I didn’t think that!” Poppy defended herself. “Well, I had hoped that you would keep the child. Wished that you would keep the child. Alright, I *prayed* that you would keep the child. But, I know the laws and I know that you would have to marry and I know how you feel about getting ‘close’ to someone else. I was simply afraid that you would choose to remain alone rather then suffer through someone else’s constant company for the rest of your life. I know how you feel about ’sentimental clap trap’ but I’m so happy that you’re going to have the baby.”

Slightly mollified, Snape decided to forgive her. In her shoes, he might’ve made the same mistake. Just as Poppy stood up to leave in order to arrange for a meeting, Snape stopped her.

“Oh, Poppy, I will have in need of a physician. If it wouldn’t be too much of an imposition, and if it wouldn’t interfere too much on your duties to the school, would you consent to being my medi-witch for the duration of my pregnancy? I realize that this is short notice, so please take your time in thinking about it.”

Poppy sat down with a thump, shock momentarily freezing her vocal cords. She hadn’t dared to dream about being allowed to tend to Professor Snape. Registered Soul Givers had their own physicians, Ministry approved physicians, and so she hadn’t thought that the Potions Master would even consider her as a choice.

“I . . . I would be very honored to administer to you during your pregnancy. But, what would the Ministry say? I’m not on the approved list of Soul Givers physicians. And . . .and if I *was* to become your medi- witch, that means that you would have to stay on at Hogwarts. It’s customary for Soul Givers to give up their careers and stay at home. Will your spouse object to you staying here?”

Since he doubted very much that Harry Potter would want to have him hanging around, he felt very comfortable in telling Poppy that he intended to keep on teaching. With Dumbledore’s approval, of course.

“Of course I intend to keep my position. You know that I don’t do things according to ’customs’. And as for the Ministry and their ’approved’ lists, then they can just go stuff themselves. I will *not* have some Ministry approved twit of a stranger poking and prodding me, watching my every breath and constantly trying to take my temperature. At least you know to leave me alone and you’re able to restrain yourself from fussing over me. Most of the time, that it. So, will you be my medi-witch or not?”

“Of course I will, Professor Snape! But, there is something that I must tell you.” Poppy fidgeted for a moment, wringing her hands.

Snape saw how nervous she was and wondered what was on her mind. He knew Poppy well enough that losing his temper and snapping at her would be no way to get anywhere with her. So, he just waited her out.

“Well . . . you see, it’s this way. You have built up such a tolerance for pain potions and spells over the years that it would be very dangerous for you and the baby to use anything. *Anything* at all. That means that I wouldn’t be able to give you anything during your Transformation. Do you understand that? You’ll need to be restrained. I know how you feel about that. Also, I won’t be able to give you anything during your labor. It will have to be completely natural, no spells, no potions. I just want you to know that before we proceed any further.”

Snape merely blinked at her. It seemed that even while pregnant, he wouldn’t be able to completely escape the memories of his past. Pain was in his past, his present and now in his future. But, he still wanted the baby.

“Why are you telling me this now? I just spent the past three days talking myself into this decision and now are you trying to talk me *out* of it?”

“No! No, I’m not trying to talk you out of anything. I just wanted you to know the facts so that you wouldn’t think that I was blindsiding you later. I know how you feel about being restrained.”

“It’s true that I don’t like being tied down and I realize the risks of pregnancy. As for my Transformation, I would like to do that in my own quarters, if possible. I don’t want to become an object of curiosity to others. I want to be assured of my privacy, if that’s possible.”

“Of course it’s possible. There’s no reason that I can see that would prevent you from not going through your Transformation in your quarters. Now, I want you to lie back and relax. I will see about informing the Headmaster that you wish to see him.”

Snape stopped her before she took two steps. “Before I forget, I want to apologize for my past behavior while in your care. You are an excellent medi-witch and I’m grateful for your skills. I know that I’m not the most gracious person around, but I want to say thank you for not railing at me for all of my past verbal abuse. I can’t promise to be a better patient, but let me just say thank you in advance for my potential bad behavior.”

Poppy was rendered speechless and tears prickled her eyes. She turned away before she lost her composure in front of her patient. She hurried away to the Headmaster’s office.

Right after Poppy left, Snape gave in to the urge to shudder in revulsion.

Restraints.

Most of his worst memories were of restraints. His father tying him down. His father’s friends. Lord Voldemort and his followers. And last but not least, Madame Poppy. She hadn’t meant to, but the pain potion had not been fresh and so hadn’t been working as it should have been. So, she had been forced to restrain him a time or two. Or three, over the years. He had fought them of course, yelling, screaming, cursing Poppy because he knew in the back of his mind that he was not being tied up for sex but he was still being tied up.

He always wondered if the medi-witch suspected that real reason for his reactions but he was afraid to know the answer. He wanted to be able to look the woman in the eye the next day and knew that the shame of his past sexual experiences would prevent him from doing that if he knew that she knew.

The confession of his decision, the apology, and the stress of the past few days once again took their toll on the Potions Master. Even though he had only been awake for a few hours, he drifted off to sleep once again.

Snape woke up to the sight of Poppy doing her needlepoint beside his bed. It was another peaceful nap, another reminder that he had made the right decision, the *only* decision.

“Headmaster Dumbledore has cleared his schedule right after lunch. He wanted to do it before lunch but I overruled him. I want you to have a full stomach before the meeting, I don’t want you feeling faint when you tell him the news. If it wouldn’t be too much of an imposition, I would also like to attend the meeting. If Headmaster Dumbledore has any medical questions, it would be better that I answer them. After all, you have appointed me as your med- witch so it is only right that I be there. That is, if you approve of it.”

Snape sighed in relief and nodded his head. He dreaded this meeting and wasn’t looking forward to going in on his own. Even though he had never needed support in the past, he was glad that he had an alley this time.

Poppy declared that a shower would make Snape feel much better and hustled him into the loo with a fresh change of clothes that Dobby had been more than happy to provide. Cleaning charms did the work, but there was nothing like a nice hot shower to make one feel human again after a long stay in an infirmary bed.

Snape had to admit that Poppy was right. A long hot shower did make him feel better and seemed to shake the cobwebs from his mind. He had been sleeping much too often these past few days and he doubted that that would change much. It was one of the downsides of being pregnant, the constant need for more sleep. He would simply have to work around it when he was teaching. He had two hours cleared during his teaching days that he usually used to grade papers or to perfect test questions. Most teachers used their free hours to rest and relax in the teacher’s lounge, but since he had never ’relaxed’ in his life, it seemed like a waste of time to him.

He supposed that he could use that time to nap in his office now, setting an alarm so that he wouldn’t over sleep.

Thinking of his classes brought a grimace to his face. Snape couldn’t imagine what damage Dumbledore had done to his classroom discipline and wondered if he would ever be able to restore the same balance as before. It was a given that it would be an uphill battle. Headmaster Dumbledore had no doubt let the children run rampant in his dungeons and it would take nothing short of a miracle to restore peace and order.

In fact, Snape relished the challenge. He actually looked forward to crushing some of those little monsters hopes that the accident he had had been worse. He remembered Tommy’s older brother’s attitude and the bet that was going on about his condition. He was proud of Tommy’s fortitude and the fact that he hadn’t backed down in the face of the two older student’s curiosity. He would like to give Mr. Peckmen ten points for standing up for him but giving out points to other Houses grated on his nerves.

After showering, drying off and changing in to clean clothes, Snape felt his brief spurt of energy drain out of him. He felt better, but was still tired. And he refused to have another nap. He needed to keep his wits about him and that meant no more naps. At least, not until after his meeting with Headmaster Dumbledore.

Snape emerged from the loo just in time for lunch to be served. It was a slight improvement. Mashed potatoes, a small broiled chicken breast and a custard. Still invalid food, but a vast improvement over broth and saltines.

Never a fast eater, Snape took longer then usual to finish lunch. He was dreading the up-coming meeting and his stomach twisted into knots.

Finally, he could stall no more and motioned to Madame Pomfrey that he was ready to face the dragon. Although this dragon wouldn’t be breathing fire, Headmaster Dumbledore could be quite intimidating when he wanted to be. Snape just hated disappointing the old man and he had no doubt that there would be plenty of disappointment when he finally revealed the other father’s name.

Just before they left, Snape finally noticed all of the cards, flowers and gifts overflowing his side of the infirmary. It seemed that Tommy had amassed quite a collection for only being there less then twenty four hours. Well, he was a very popular boy among his class.

“Poppy, it seems that Mr. Peckmen had forgotten his things. Perhaps you need to summon one of the house elves to collect them and take them to his quarters.”

Poppy chuckled as she informed him of who those things belonged to. “Actually, all those gifts and cards are for you.”

Snape just looked at her as if she had lost her mind. For all of the time that he spent over the years in the infirmary, both as a student and as a teacher, he had only received a few cards during all of that time and they had all been from Headmaster Dumbledore.

Seeing the shock and disbelief on his face, Poppy held up some of the cards and tags so that he could see who they were addressed to.

Snape felt his whole world tilt as he noted that most of the givers were from other Houses not Slytherin and other years besides First.

“Why would they do this? Why now? They didn’t send anything when I had been previously injured. Do they think that a few trinkets would get them better grades in the future? I can’t be bought off by flowers and candy. I’ll set them straight when I start teaching again.”

“I don’t think that they did this to get on your good side, dear. I think they did this because they missed you and nothing more.”

Snape still had his doubts, but kept them to himself. If Poppy wanted to delude herself, let her go ahead and think what she wanted. He knew the truth. He was the hardest and most hated teacher in the school. That didn’t bother him in the least. It meant that he was doing his job well and that was all that mattered. Once class began back on Monday, he would be able to tell Poppy ’I told you so’ as he deducted House points from those same students who had sent gifts and hoped to get away with murder in his classroom. He was looking forward to that day.

It took over an hour to arrive at the Headmaster’s office. Not because of any long distance from the infirmary to the Headmaster’s office, but because Snape had to pause every few feet to rest. Thankfully, they didn't run into any students in the halls. He never knew that lying in bed for three days just thinking could take so much out of oneself. He was used to feeling weak after an injury, used to being tired after healing up from a long night of being used. He just wasn’t used to being tired from simply lying in bed and doing nothing, not even healing. He contributed it to his pregnancy and only hoped that it would soon fade.

At last, they reached the spiral stair case and Snape was grateful that they wouldn’t have to actually climb them himself. He felt the bile rising up as they ascended, so he closed his eyes until the staircase stopped moving. Snape wondered how long this morning sickness would last and why it was happening in the middle of the day. But, that was another problem for another time. Right now, he had his plate full with the upcoming meeting.

Taking a deep breath to brace himself, he nodded to Poppy to show that he was ready to face his new future.

T.B.C.