Skating With Scissors (original) (raw)

So, it has come to my attention today that things I have written in this journal have made their way to a person for whose eyes they were never intended, and clearly, this is a problem. I've stated in my user info that what is said here needs to stay here, and I feel offended that anyone would take it upon themselves to betray that trust for any reason. I don't know for sure who this person was, but I'm beginning to be able to guess, and it's safe to say that a friends-list purge will happen soon.

I've spoken and written a lot of angry words in the past week or so, and I'm not going to say that I didn't mean them at the time, but I apologize for letting my emotions bubble over in such inappropriate ways. I have been extremely angry and upset, and have been waiting to talk to a certain person until I can treat the situation in a calmer and more rational manner, and figure out a little more of what was going on. However, now that said person has decided to retaliate to things he wasn't supposed to see to begin with, I'm not sure that I can.
On Friday night, I was tired and burnt out from 3 hours of on-skates flyering at the end of a long and draining week, didn't really want to be at Ulteria anyway, and headed home early to get some sleep instead of initiating a conversation that would have been much too overwhelming to my tired brain. I guess the moment for resolution passed, and what's been done or undone can't be repaired.

I'm wholeheartedly sorry for my words and actions - but not my anger, because I'm sick of apologizing for how I feel, because that's been characteristic of all the pain I've felt for the last couple of months.

And for the person who has been reporting my words here, and the one(s) who have been reading them, I have a few things to show you. If you'd read further, even one page back, you would have seen these.

( The things I couldn't tell you.Collapse )

Shortly after this is when anger started to enter into the picture, but I kept a lid on things for almost a month, which made it so much worse. I didn't want to make a big deal out of things, and I didn't want to be clingy, so I held back until I couldn't hold back anymore. I made up my mind to isolate myself from the situation completely and take no further action, and think or feel nothing more about it.
He never deceived me, not intentionally anyway - the deceptions were all self-inflicted - which I was aware of at the time, but that didn't make it hurt any less. The conversations we had about our differing expectations didn't make it hurt any less. Telling him that his lack of communication was hurtful to me didn't make it hurt any less. Nothing did.

So, I'm done. It's all here, and you can have it. I've spoken my piece and I don't need to say any more.

Be safe, be happy, and above all, be gentle with other people's hearts. Don't let other people be careless with yours, because those are the ones that will only hold you back from happiness. Know yourself and know what you need, and go get it.
I won't tell you not to be angry - to stifle feelings you have or force feelings you don't, because if you do, you too could end up like this. You have every right to be angry, and I'm not setting out to change your mind. If you can't forgive me, then you can't - I'm not asking you to.
I'd like to stress that my anger was at you, not at your girlfriend. She was never supposed to be dragged into this, and if she can make you happy, then she has my respect for being able to do what I couldn't, and I won't interefere.

I loved you, I really did, and on some level I still do feel affectionate towards you, in spite of my own anger, and hope for the best things in the world for you - and if the best thing is to have me not-around (as I suspected it would be, and am certain of now), then so be it.

May the Goddess's love be upon you, even when nobody else's is.