17 July 2007 - The Streets of New York (original) (raw)

For those unfortunate enough not to have one, I can’t possibly explain what having a twin is like. The downside, of course, is ten thousand questions of the “so, like, if I punch you, does it hurt him too?” ilk. These original and hilarious queries usually make me upset that I haven’t yet received a Nobel Peace Prize for not stabbing people in the eyes when they ask them. It’s well worth it though with everything else that is involved. Every time I have lost my way, all it takes is a midnight phone call and all of a sudden I have a signpost to follow. It’s scary…every time I need him, he’s always so fucking…right.

Sunday-into-Monday, I had a dream that caused me a great deal of confusion and worry.

My mother and I were driving somewhere, that is to say, she was driving... I don't remember the destination. It started off normal, but the road became darker. Even though her car had headlights, I was using a flashlight to point out rocks in the road. Some of them were more like boulders, to be honest. I exclaimed something like "look at those!"...she very calmly and serenely said "I know, I know." She then told me I didn't need that flashlight, because she already had headlights. But, when I turned the flashlight off, I couldn't see the road any longer.

Anyway, we drove past some houses that looked normal to her, but looked haunted to me. I also looked back several times to see a man in black and gray that she couldn't see. I either didn't see his face or don't remember it, but I was pretty sure he was draining my life from me. For some reason, I knew his name as "Sinecence". Now, I just googled that, and it isn't a word...but "senecence" is...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Senescence. He'd be floating along behind me...whenever I turned around, I'd try and attack him with...it must have been a whip or a chain or something. He'd simply dematerialize, only to reappear later.

The strange thing is that I had never heard that word before in my life until the dream.

I also think I've had this dream about this man before for some reason...I think this is the first time it involved anyone else.

So, I told that to him, and I think his interpretation pretty much nailed it. I’m not happy…at all. I haven’t been for quite a long time. I don’t think I’d just disappear off the face of the planet for weeks at a time otherwise. As I’m getting closer to the big 3-0, I am disappointed across the board with where I am right now. I don’t hate my job, but perhaps even worse, it has become an endless “Groundhog Day” collection of one day after another. Currently, there is nowhere left for me to go there that I either can or want to do. It’s safe, though, and it isn’t hard for me to think of a million reasons for me to stay. A million reasons, of course, that don’t add up to the one reason why it’s time for me to go. I haven’t had the resolve to though, and I don’t know where I can find it.

Of course, it probably goes without saying that I’m not happy with being perpetually single. I’m about to take a big, stupid risk though that probably has a 215% chance of failure. That’s cool, though. I have never once died facing the enemy, and I’d quite like to say that I did that.
I’m frustrated with the fact that I have no real direction and only one passion, a passion that honestly is a longshot to turn into anything useful. I love and watch and study and play poker as much as I can, but things that are easy for good players (the math-type stuff) completely eludes me. I can’t really shake the idea that it’ll be like playing soccer is for me – something I quite like doing, but something I’ll only ever be a D+ in due to physical limitations (or, in this case, my lack of mathematical understanding). The problem is, I don’t like anything else…not enough to want to do it with any kind of regularity. If I’m not going to like anything else, then what’s the point of leaving where I am now? At least it’s familiar and safe. I’m respected and liked and can roll in 15 minutes late when I choose. Better that then any other thing I wouldn’t enjoy anyway.

He was also spot on when he said that given time enough to think, I will come up with a million reasons to take the safest path possible, whatever the situation. It’s funny…I’ve been given the awareness and the potential to do unbelievable and daring things, but I can’t find the resolve or the ability. Since the day I’ve been born, I’ve cursed my intelligence…I have often wished to trade it and the vast potential for something safer and more concrete. I laugh at how perfect the metaphor is, but I love looking at the ocean, but hate being in it. I love the view from an airplane window, but am horribly afraid of heights.

Of course, my twin is human, as is anyone else. He can’t do it all for me…but he can at least give me a piece of the map. At least temporarily, I feel like there’s a way out after having a conversation with him. It’s too bad I can’t make that feeling last longer. What can I do, though? The only option I have open to me is to figure it out somehow…before the rut becomes a ravine, before the ravine becomes a canyon.

I wish everyone had a twin. I’m glad I do...even if it's about the only thing I'm glad about these days.