The Onion (original) (raw)
The Onion [Most Recent Entries][Calendar View] [Friends]
Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded inFans of America's Finest News Source's LiveJournal:
| Friday, June 3rd, 2005 | |
|---|---|
| _9:35 am_[notrealnews] |
Foreign Child wins U.S. Spelling Bee By Spelling His Own Name Washington D.C.Anurag Kashyap, an 8th grade American boy of Indian decent, has clinched the national spelling bee by spelling his own name.When Kashap approached the stage, judges asked him his name. When he responded the confused judges asked for it’s derivation, then they asked him to spell it. Upon successful completion of his name Kasap was immediately declared the winner. The boy broke into tears as the caucasian Judges awarded him a giant $30,000 check made out to Andy Clark, adding him to long list of famous kids who have won the been2005 Anjag Ketchup2004 Vladistjok Romanlenskjyzka2005 Samiristakji Yabahoobalo2003 Lech WhelseaNotrealnews attempted to contact the winner but we were too stupid to find him in a phone book. (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Wednesday, May 25th, 2005 | |
| _12:17 pm_[didjagripweed] |
wtf? has the onion hijacked the ap or something? doesn't this look like something STRAIGHT out of the onion?http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20050524/lf_afp/afplifestylebritain_050524214117 (Comment on this) |
| Saturday, April 16th, 2005 | |
| _11:30 am_[yankeewanky] |
Uncyclopedia (IF the onion worte reference books) I've just found an onion like spoof site. Uncyclopedia is a paraody of wikipedia with some onionesque articles. From Uncyclopedia34th amendement repeals 36th amendmenthttp://www.uncyclopedia.org/wiki/34th_amendmenthttp://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Main_Page (Comment on this) |
| Monday, April 4th, 2005 | |
| _3:52 pm_[headclub] | http://yourapathy.net/theonion.html (Comment on this) |
| Thursday, March 31st, 2005 | |
| _7:13 am_[bsartist9] |
BSNews | America Prefers BSNews hi! i love the onion. it has inspired me to do the same thing with my life!!check out the latest article I wrote on my news satire site. It's called:MILF Fever catching on with Motherfuckers Everywherehttp://www.bsnews.org/issue4/MILF.htmor visit the site:http://www.bsnews.orgif you're a talented, serious comedy writer, I'd love to work with you. if so, check out what our site redesign will look like- coming soon:http://www.bsnews.org/issue4/Design1.htmlor click on my username and check out the blog I just started. (Comment on this) |
| Thursday, February 17th, 2005 | |
| _1:33 pm_[yankeewanky] |
This is a really funny article this week. MICHAEL MOORE HONORED WITH NEW BEN AND JERRY'S FLAVORBURLINGTON, VT—Ben & Jerry's, the Vermont-based ice-cream manufacturer known for its progressive social mission, held a press conference Monday to introduce a new flavor celebrating Academy Award winner Michael Moore."I'm really excited to announce the newest Ben & Jerry's ice-cream flavor," said Chrystie Heimert, Ben & Jerry's director of public relations. "In the spirit of Michael Moore's tasteful, playful calls for justice, we have created a tasteful, playful flavor: The Waffle Truth."The Waffle Truth will honor the dynamic visionary by combining premium vanilla ice cream with strawberries, chocolate-covered waffle-cone bits, and a hint of cinnamon. The ice cream will be available in Ben & Jerry's Scoop Shops Friday, followed by a retail rollout in March."Making an ice-cream flavor that would do justice to such an important author and filmmaker wasn't easy," Heimert said. "We knew we'd be using ingredients bought at fair-market prices, but exactly what those ingredients would be was a source of a lot of good old-fashioned, honest, open debate."Heimert said developers experimented with a host of possible ice-cream tributes to the best-selling author, including Stupid White Chocolate, Green Tea Nation, and Dude, Where's My Coconut?Even after Ben & Jerry's decided what the new flavor would contain, developers struggled to perfect the name."We thought about calling it Cherry-heit 9-11, but we already have Cherry Garcia," Heimert said. "Fahrenheit 31.1 was the next choice, but we didn't think everyone would make the connection between the proper temperature for storing ice cream and the film that broke the theatrical documentary box-office record by seamlessly blending comedy with hard-hitting fact.""We also considered a name reminiscent of our our popular Chubby Hubby flavor," Heimert said. "But in the end, we decided The Waffle Truth would be more respectful to Moore's achievements than a flavor called Hefty Lefty."Ben & Jerry's has previously honored pop-culture icons Phish and Jerry Garcia, as well as the TV show Seinfeld. This is the first time that the company has honored a director... http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4107&n=1This is one Michael Moore related story I wrote a few months ago:Michael Moore to Release new film titled SILENT BUT DEADLYhttp://www.livejournal.com/community/thestateurinal/393.html (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Friday, January 21st, 2005 | |
| _6:06 pm_[jn_oscargrouch] |
I just read this. It made me laugh. Here's to my first post in this site. Check out this link.http://www.livejournal.com/community/illuminautilus/4997.html (Comment on this) |
| Monday, January 3rd, 2005 | |
| _7:57 pm_[horsekateer] |
i hate when people do this BUT a funny headline would be"SANTA HATS FASHIONABLE AT CHRISTMAS TIME"hahahahah man EVERYONE wears those things for like a week - LAME (Comment on this) |
| Thursday, December 30th, 2004 | |
| _11:17 pm_[memesoso2004] |
Hi guys, I just joined! Does anyone else think this is one of the best articles ever? National Museum of the Middle Class Opens in Schaumburg, IL SCHAUMBURG, IL—The Museum of the Middle Class, featuring historical and anthropological exhibits addressing the socioeconomic category that once existed between the upper and lower classes, opened to the public Monday. "The splendid and intriguing middle class may be gone, but it will never be forgotten," said Harold Greeley, curator of the exhibit titled "Where The Streets Had Trees' Names." "From their weekend barbecues at homes with backyards to their outdated belief in social mobility, the middle class will forever be remembered as an important part of American history." Museum guests expressed delight over the traditions and peculiarities of the middle class, a group once so prevalent that entire TV networks were programmed to satisfy its hunger for sitcoms. "It's fascinating to think that these people once drove the same streets as we do today," said Natasha Ohman, a multi-millionaire whose husband's grandfather invented the trigger-safety lock on handguns. "I enjoyed learning how the middle class lived, what their customs were, and what sorts of diversions and entertainment they enjoyed. Being part of this middle class must have been fascinating!" During the modern industrial age, the middle class grew steadily, reaching its heyday in the 1950s, when its numbers soared into the tens of millions. According to a study commissioned by the U.S. Census Bureau, middle-class people inhabited great swaths of North America, with settlements in the Great Plains, the Rocky Mountains, the Pacific Northwest, and even the nation's urban centers. "No one predicted the disappearance of the middle class," said Dr. Bradford Elsby, a history professor at the University of Pennsylvania. "The danger of eliminating workers' unions, which had protected the middle class from its natural predators for years, was severely underestimated. We believe that removal of the social safety net, combined with rapid political-climate changes, made life very difficult for the middle class, and eventually eradicated it altogether." One of the 15 permanent exhibits, titled "Working For 'The Weekend,'" examines the routines of middle-class wage-earners, who labored for roughly eight hours a day, five days a week. In return, they were afforded leisure time on Saturdays and Sundays. According to many anthropologists, these "weekends" were often spent taking "day trips,"eating at chain family restaurants, or watching "baseball" with the nuclear family. "Unlike members of the lower class, middle-class people earned enough money in five days to take two days off to 'hang out,'" said Benson Watercross, who took a private jet from his home in Aspen to visit the museum. "Their adequate wages provided a level of comfort and stability, and allowed them to enjoy diversions or purchase goods, thereby briefly escaping the mundanity." Many museum visitors found the worldview of the middle class—with its reliance on education, stable employment, and ample pensions—difficult to comprehend. Thirty-five Booker T. Washington Junior High School seventh-graders, chosen from among 5,600 students who asked to attend the school's annual field trip, visited the museum Tuesday. Rico Chavez, a 14-year-old from the inner-city Chicago school, said he was skeptical of one exhibit in particular. "They expect us to believe this is how people lived 10 years ago?" Chavez asked. "That 'Safe, Decent Public Schools' part was total science fiction. No metal detectors, no cops or dogs, and whole classes devoted to art and music? Look, I may have flunked a couple grades, but I'm not that stupid." Others among the 99 percent of U.S. citizens who make less than $28,000 per year shared Chavez's sense of disbelief. "Frankly, I think they're selling us a load of baloney," said laid-off textile worker Elsie Johnson, who visited the museum Tuesday with her five asthmatic children. "They expect us to believe the government used to help pay for college? Come on. The funniest exhibit I saw was 'Visiting The Family Doctor.' Imagine being able to choose your own doctor and see him without a four-hour wait in the emergency room. Gimme a friggin' break!" While some were incredulous, others described the Museum of the Middle Class as "a trip down memory lane." William Harrison, a retired social worker with middle-class heritage, said he was moved to tears by several of the exhibits. "You wouldn't know it to look at me, but my parents were middle class," Harrison said. "Even though my family fell into poverty, I cherish those roots. Seeing that section on middle-class eating habits really brought it all back: the Tuna Helper, the Capri Sun, and the cookie dough in tubes. Oh, and the 2-percent milk and reduced-cholesterol butter spread! I was thankful for the chance to rediscover my past, even if the middle class is gone forever." The Museum of the Middle Class was funded primarily by the Ford Foundation, the charitable arm of the Ford automotive company, which sold cars to the middle class for nearly 100 years. (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| Tuesday, November 30th, 2004 | |
| _12:37 pm_[horsekateer] |
Pabst Still Coasting On 1893 Blue Ribbon Win ok so as moderator of this community im gonna have to say lets stick to posts that are relevant to, and involve The Onionif you want to do your own fake news thing, great, if you even want to post it here, thats fine too, just make sure its a link (or a cut-tag) and not the whole thing ok?also advertising for other communities i guess is alright too but giant images doing so should be cut-taggedok thats all for "rules" now make more jokes, and thanks for joining so far everyoneill leave you with one thing - if anyone feels the need to promote this community for some reason, just make sure when you do it its not annoying cuz i hate when people do that (Comment on this) |
| _11:42 am_[yankeewanky] |
Fake News Community Hi, I've recently joined this community. I have my own community set up for people who want to read and write their own fake news.  thestateurinal is a community where you can post your own stories and comment on others stories. Also you can view  yankeewanky for some of my older stories.Below is an example of one of my stories.Stoner Roomates Launch Adventure to Legalize Medical MarijuanaPotterpipe University, NJ -Stoner roommates Dylan "Gnarly" Nielson and Billy "Goat" Harris have finally found the adventure they were looking for, ( Two Stoner Roommates Have No Adventures )as the Supreme Court decides the fate of medical marijuana. "Dude, when we heard that the court was going to decide if pot can be legal for medical purposes we dropped everything and headed straight for Washington." Nielson said. The duo got into their van and left their small New Jersey college town on a cross country trip to Washington where a local Seattle gas station owner informed them that they wanted to head back east to Washington D.C.. The two, realizing their error, stopped by a music store to pick up some Nirvana posters and CD's and turned around to head to Washington CD. The two stopped in Wyoming one night where they met up with a couple of local teenagers in a small town and got high with them, resulting in the largest cow tipping event in Wyoming history. By the morning over 3000 cows were tipped over. Both Nielson and Harris were chased for several miles by the local sheriff. "The sheriff was such a tool. I thought they were all like Andy Griffith. We tried to entertain him by whistling the Andy Griffith theme song, but hitting the bong before didn't impress him." Harris said. Harris and Nielson walked away with a few bruises and a cow in the back of their van. They saw they have considered naming the cow Mary Jane. They continued their travels into Nebraska where they stopped in this small town to fill up on gas and munchies. Both found the town very intimidating. "Those little kids in the town were freaky religious types. They kept talking about he who walks behind the corn and shit. Then they got all indignant with us because Goat accidentally set the cornfield on fire when he threw a cigarette out of the window. The whole freaking field turned into one mass of popcorn, so what were they complaining about?" Nielson said. The two are currently located in Kentucky Virginia and plan to arrive in Washington today to plead their case before the Supreme Court today. They will site some of their medical reasons for allowing pot. I'm going to tell them I got cervical cancer and had to get a hysterectomy. That worked to get me out of a math test once." Harris said.WRITTEN BY CAPTAIN JACK BEAM FOR THE STATE URINAL (Comment on this) |
| Sunday, October 24th, 2004 | |
| _11:53 pm_[pubeparty] |
Hey everyone. I just joined your community.As a fan of The Onion, I strongly urge all of you to check out my fake news website that was just launched last week.The Fat Clam: Issue One www.drinksonfetus.comWith some work, I hope it will eventually be Canada's answer to The Onion. |
| Monday, August 9th, 2004 | |
| _10:02 am_[kidnice] |
WASHINGTON, DC—In an official statement Monday, a spokesman for the American Dental Association announced that it cannot make the teeth of the nation's citizens any goddamn whiter.The typical ADA dentist, however, is irked by customers who come in for routine bleaching and leave disappointed because "their teeth don't inflict retinal damage when you look directly into them.""What happens once, at long last, you people get your teeth pure white?" Foti asked. "Will you finally be satisfied? Of course not. Then you'll want clear teeth. You won't rest until your fucking teeth are see-through." (2 Comments |Comment on this) |
| Thursday, July 22nd, 2004 | |
| _10:41 am_[therobot] |
I like this community already! One of my favorite features in The Onion is the 'What Do You Think' Section.Here's the latest one.Remember when you could read all the archives for free??? That kind of makes me mad. (1 Comment |Comment on this) |
| _2:27 am_[horsekateer] |
Yeah First Post Hey everyone (aka me) this is the inagural post on this community hopefully enough people will join and we can all share good jokes. Here is a personal fav, its not posted there anymore but here is the first part.From James M. Kilts, CEO and President of the Gilette Corporation:"Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades." Current Mood: creative (2 Comments |Comment on this) |