My Life (original) (raw)
urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme My Life Is Not Quite Normal therainbowbitme 2008-09-15T05:27:28Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:4001 ~Reslisation~ 2008-09-15T05:26:42Z 2008-09-15T05:27:28Z Feasting On Waves In The Background On Saturday, I had a band invitational and I got Brett to come to it. And I didn't really see him much b/c of me being busy and stuff but i saw him before a after i preformed.
Well, after I preformed and I changed, i was talking to him a little bit. And i feel that i should note that I wasn't being like all the othe "band couples" and hanging on him, I bearly huged him and when i kissed him i kissed him on the top of the head. So I guess I didn't really act like I was dating him. =/ but it was so i didn't get in trouble. anyways, as he was leaveing and i was walking aways Jaron and Kateylin were walking up to me. I noticed that Jaron had a look on his face pretty much saying "what were you just doing?" and I "ingored" it and just said hi. The 1st things tat came out of his mouth was "Why are you still dating him?" and I KNEW this convo it happened EVERYTIME I brought up Brett. He was going to say that bret looks older and that i shouldn't date him b/c of that and all that crap that i have herd a million times from him alone. So before he could even say the next part i jus tuned to Kateylin and said hi to her. andof course she had to be just like jaron and ask the say thing. I turned and started to walk away saying that I would just find Mrianda and Amanda, but they stoped me and wanted to "talk". So I truned and said stright out "i already know what your going to say jaron, your going to yell at me for dateing him when he look older but to tell the truth looks don't matter to me, they really don't. I'm sorry if you have a problem with him but I love him and that is all that matters to me." As I said this i saw his face go more sad, like he was abou to cry but I wasn't sorry for what I had said. but he looked a little shocked in his sadness, and he finaly said "I was GOING to say that some band parent might get the wrong idea and call you at 12 at night, b/c they thing that your going something bad". "I don't care what some band parent things, I'm 18 I can do what I want," I said as i glaced around a little to make sure not a ton of people were staring at us. They both looked at me and said "ok, sorry". So I turned and walked away.
I'm still not sorry for what I said, but for some reason i'm a little depressed that I am loseing friends b/c of one guy. I have had that happen before but I feel that this is difforent. I now believe that I do truely love him with all my heart. I wan't all the way sure but i know it i ture now. I love him and I'm willing to spend my life with him. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:3610 ~*Bettering*~ 2008-08-28T04:19:11Z 2008-08-28T04:19:11Z The Crickets Outside My Window Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I'm getting back in to the whole school schedule and stuffs. You know the wake up go to school, come home, go to guard, come home, shower, go to sleep, and wake up to repeat. You know that whole zombie thing. Well anyways, I have been on this thing to try to "better" my life, and so fair it is kind of working. I'm going about this by getting rid of people that i just fight with a lot/aren't good for me in my life, going back to my religion, and just trying to be a better person.
I got Dustin out of my life...well i think. I told him that i could no longer be friends with him and stuff and we aren't talking but i do miss him....a lot. But I guess change hurts a little. He held me back b/c of the fighting, so i needed to end that now. But now I feel like I should be rid of my ex's that I still kind of have feelings for too.
Like my ex Sean. He is a complete ass and only wants me as a booty call but I have a little bit of feelings for him b/c he was the 1st guy that had my consent to have sex with. Even tho it wasn't much of a consent it was one and that is what counted. He was the
Or like my ex Zach...
Or like my ex Daniel. He was my 2nd bf, and even tho it was a LONG distance relationship. I still loved him. Well I still love him and that is the problem. He has NEVER done anything bad to me and yet, I see him happy in all these pic.s that he puts up and I feel bad b/c we didn't have those moments.
*sigh* I just can't seem to know what I want I guess. I want to be happy not depressed anymore and yet when I try to be it seems harder then needed. =/ urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:3458 ~Stuck~ 2008-08-05T06:15:39Z 2008-08-05T06:15:39Z Trauma: Life In The E.R. In The Background I have noticed that everything has been going by semi fast. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. Like, school starts on Tuesday, band camp is pretty much over, me and Brett just hit our 4th month, and my sister, Nikki is now getting a job and getting ready to move out. Even tho this is all happening I feel like I'm still stuck here. I feel like I'm not moving forward.
I'm thinking about college and careers and stuff, but then I think about how getting there is going to take so long and I feel stuck. I'm sorry to keep bring up my school but right now it is my biggest problem.
My next biggest problem is Brett. He is my loving, caring, wonderful bf. But he like to talk about us living together later on and getting married and stuff. This scares me to death. I don't like dating one person for too long so many reasons. I have hurt pretty much everyone I have dated, I'm scared of commitment, and I get kind of bored easy. Brett has kept my very interested, and everything. But when he said something about being together forever i get scared but just smile and act like it is ok. and yes there is a few times that it sounds great and stuff but then if i think about it, it scares me. *sigh* I feel like i'm just being silly, but it is all true. When I think about my few friends that i'm close to that are pretty much ready to get married and then think about me I get that stuck feeling again. I guess I just want to stay here i guess. or maybe I just need to push myself and go for it.
Anyone have any advice? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:3097 ~Bored~ 2008-08-01T02:20:14Z 2008-08-01T02:20:14Z The Sound Of The Dryer And My Lappy Fan I don't fee like posting about my last few days for I got this of my friends journal and I felt like doing it. ^_^
1 Taken a picture naked? yep
2. Made money illegally? nope
3. Had a one night stand? noe
4. Been in a fist fight? Yep
5. Slept with your best friend? Yep
6. Had sex in a public place? Yep
7. Ditched work to have sex? nope
8. Slept with a member of the same sex? yep
9. Seen someone die? yep
10. Ran from the police? yep
11. Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? yep
12. Worn your partners unmentionables? nope
13. Fallen asleep at work? I don't work, i have at school (i know it isn't the same)
14. Used toys in the bedroom? yep
15. Ran a red light? nope, i don't drive
16. Been fired? nope
17. Been in a car accident? yep
18. Pole danced or done a striptease? yep
19. Loved someone you shouldn't? yep
20. Sang karaoke? yep
21. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? yep
22. Laughed so hard you peed your pants? lol almost lol
23. Caught someone having sex? yep
24. Kissed a perfect stranger? yep
25. Shaved your partner? nope, thin that is a little weird
26. Given your private parts a nickname? no, a friend did tho and it was weird
27. Ever gone in public without underwear? yep
28. Had sex on a roof top? nope
29. Played chicken? nope
30. Mooned/flashed someone? yep
31. Do you sleep naked? sometimes
32. Blacked out from drinking? nope
33. Felt like killing someone? yep
34. Had sex more than 5 times in one day? nope
35. Been with someone because they were in a band? nope
36. Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? yep
37. Shot a gun? yep
38. Gone outside naked? yep lol
Sorry it was short but know you know more about me, i guess. lol urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:3067 ~Crying...Again~ 2008-07-27T11:38:43Z 2008-07-27T11:40:26Z Clean House In The Background I was lying in bed trying to get a little bit of sleep, when I start to think about how this next school year is going to suck. For those of you that don't know why I will explain.
Right now I'm very low in credits and will more the likely not graduate this year. Truthfully I really don't care anymore if I do or don't graduate. I would, yes, love to graduate, but I really don't see it happening. Like right now I’m only semi trying but of my mom. Every time I say anything about school she talks about how I need to graduate so I can do all the "senior" stuff. So right now I'm doing what I can to please her. I'm tired of this act. I truthfully would just love to drop out and get my GED. Yes, I know that it is "so bad" to drop out, but right now it is pretty much the only option. B/c right now if I do want to graduate on time I have to go to night school mon-thrus and pass EVERYTHING. And that might not even be enough.
As of lately, I’m always stressed and always down on myself. It sucks....a lot. And I’m tired of being scared of what is going to happen, I'm tired of crying when I think about school, I just want to get this all over with. Ok, I don't want this anymore, I NEED this. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:2795 ~Hurting~ 2008-07-23T09:15:22Z 2008-07-23T09:15:22Z Adult Swim In The Background Look at me posting all the fucking time today.
Anyways I was calm after I played some magic with Hugh tonight, but i'm not now after I talked to Brett again. I told him that I was mad at him but I got over it. While we were talking to it he brought something over that sent me over the edge. I will copy that part.
(4:29:47 AM) igloo_dg: how did I find someone as amazing as you?
(4:29:53 AM) igloo_dg: <3
(4:31:06 AM) Brett beeswax: ummm im not that great
(4:31:28 AM) igloo_dg: why do you say that?
(4:31:41 AM) Brett beeswax: cause its true
(4:31:53 AM) Brett beeswax: ive done stuff that I am not proude of
(4:33:10 AM) igloo_dg: so has everyone in the world
(4:33:32 AM) igloo_dg: no one is perfect
(4:34:04 AM) Brett beeswax: yeah well im sure you wouldnt be so found of me if you knew
(4:35:12 AM) igloo_dg: ?_?
(4:35:24 AM) igloo_dg: I kind of want to ask now
(4:37:33 AM) Brett beeswax: ]and you really think i would tell
(4:40:19 AM) igloo_dg: =/
(4:40:24 AM) igloo_dg: i guess now
(4:40:26 AM) igloo_dg: *not
Why did he have to bring up something that he wasn't going to tell me? why the fuck did he do that? Now i'm sitting here pissed that he brought something up and then GOT OFFLINE!
*sigh* I love him soo much and yet he hurts me like this? that doesn't make sense to me....I don't think he meant to...ok I know he didn't mean to, but still...it hurts and i can't stop the tears now...
I'm starting to feel like this isn't going to last much longer...and it hurts a lot to say that... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:2385 ~Brett~ 2008-07-23T04:55:16Z 2008-07-23T04:55:16Z Adult Swim In The Background Ok, I really didn't want to post again but i need to rant. sorry.
Brett- He is 23 and my current bf. He is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. I met him on myspace when i was 15, but didn't met him in person until a little after I turned 16. He messed me b/c my profile said that I was 21 and he thought that I was cute and started to talk to me. I explained a little after talking that I wasn't 21, that I was 15 and he didn't want to keep talking to me. For some reason I kept trying to talk to him and finally got him to talk to me. We met one time at IPFW when I was there for an anime meeting. I had left to met him. We walked around IPFW and I was kind of scared of him. I was scared of him a little b/c he would say something rude and if I tried to walk away then he were hold my hand and wouldn't let me leave and even if I tried to pull away he wouldn't let me go. Even tho he scared me a little, I felt safe when he hugged me, so I stayed there with him. Time went on and I snuck out a lot to see him. I did until he recently became my bf and now we see each other quite a lot.
Every tuesday we see each other b/c I go to his d&d game. As many of you may know, it is tuesday now, but I had guard so I didn't go to his game. When I called him and asked him if I could see him tonight, he was all like "no, I have plans" and I know that he has friends and he needs to see his friends too, but I wish that he would plan things like this way before I get all excited and get my hopes up. *sigh* I have things that I want to say too but in a way feel like I will regret saying It, so I won't.
I love him with all my hear and I hope that he feels the same way. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:2263 ~Life List~ 2008-07-23T04:04:18Z 2008-07-23T04:04:18Z Adult Swim In The Background Ok, so I saw the "in the spotlight this week" thing the other day and saw the 1st on was called "thelifelist". At 1st I was like "that is a little morbid" and then I thought about it and it kind of a good idea. For the few that my now know what thelifelist is, it is a community with people making lists of things that they want to do before they die. I read through many of them and made my own list. Mine is not in any certain order and isn't done, but here it is.
*get to a weight that i like and keept it off
*road trip the us and photo blog it
*travel the world and photo blot it
*fall in love
*get married
*have a child or 2
*go to disney
*cosplay
*go to college
*finish high school
*start my career and be happy with it
*accept myself
*learn better Japanese
*find my talent
*go to the ocean
*hold a panda
*win a contest
*kiss in the rain
*dance in the rain with my loved one
*dance under the stars
*kiss under the stars
*see a broadway musical
*go to a ballet
*go to a opera
*walk in a gay parade
*get my own place
*buy a car
*make 1,000 paper cranes
*let go of my past
*fly in a plane
*go to a corndog festival
*have courage to sing around more then one or two people
*give blood
*give plasma
*become more flexable
*be in the live addience of a show
*go to 5 concerts
Is it bad that 3 things are all ready marked off?
or is is bad that I don't have more marked off? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:1988 ~What Do You Think?~ 2008-07-19T07:01:03Z 2008-07-19T07:01:03Z Adult Swim In The Background
urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:1782 ~Guess What?!?!~ 2008-07-18T08:33:33Z 2008-07-18T08:33:33Z I Kissed A Girl By Katy Perry I'm a red hair!
I have dye to make it more red, but that do you think?
urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:1411 ~No Boobs~ 2008-07-18T04:56:27Z 2008-07-18T04:56:27Z Adult Swim In The Background Ok, so today was a pretty boring day. I slept until like 2:30. lol =P And then i just messed around on the computer a little until I had to go to guard.
When I got to guard I was wearing legging under shorts and a tank top. And one of the 1st things I hear from someone that is normally nice to me is "wow, you need to get a bigger tank top that doesn't show your boobs." And this kind of pissed me off a little b/c they weren't even showing that much. But I blew that off. A few times during practice the same girl reminded me again that i need a different shirt. And she was even nice enough to remind me at the end of practice that i should never wear my hear again to guard.
One of the big things that pissed me off is that there is a girl at guard that have big boobs, and she dose wear at least 2 tank tops, but her boobs were flopping all over the fucking place and mine don't but i'm the one that has to get a new tank top? O that makes soo much sense. T_T
I'm sorry that this is a stupid post but I just wanted to talk about how much this bugged me b/c 1) i don't have money to go buy more clothes and 2) other girls can have there boobs and girly bits flop out all over the place but the fat girl has to get new clothes. I'm sorry I will just fucking cut all my fat off and then I can flop my junk out all over the place. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:1221 ~Bad Day~ 2008-07-17T07:32:15Z 2008-07-17T07:32:29Z Adult Swim In The Background Ok, so today SUCKED!
So i woke up late and I couldn't get ahold of Brett to go to the mall with me to met Zach, so I went by myself. I walked around by myself for a hour. Other then it being weird and lonely, i gave me time to think. So after that I came home and burnt my hand with boiling water when i was making me lunch. Then I went to my night school and it took forever and i get a super bad headache from the silence. Then when i finally got home, I sat down and kind of just wanted a nap, but i knew that Brett might stop by so i waited and waited and he called and came over. We were getting along until he made a rude comment that i should have just blown off but for some reason it really pissed me off. We both got really upset and he started to leave. I followed him out the door and to his truck. He kept trying to kiss me and feel me up which i normally would have been ok with but it pissed me off more. So he ended up driving away with out me even getting to say bye. I sent him a rude txt and waited for him to get online. We fought a little when he got on, and I believe that we are better now. I just feel so bad now that I hurt him, b/c I pushed all my bad day on him.
I'm sorry if this post didn't make much sense or was boring, i kept getting distracted by the tv when i was typing and I just ranted, and most of the time when i rant it doesn't make much sense. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:910 ~Zach~ 2008-07-16T09:06:42Z 2008-07-16T09:06:42Z My Immortal By Evanescence So I was talking to an ex, Zach, earlier and I found out that he got his drivers licenses, and joking I said that me and him should hang out, and then that joke turned in to plans for later today. =/ In a way I want to go and a way I don't. To explain this I guess I will have to give you a little background on him,
Zach-He is 22, and lives in Auburn. I dated him a few years back. My mum didn't like him, b/c he was gothic, but so was I at the time. That is the only reason I can see why she would hate him. We is one of the sweetest guys i have ever met, and he is VERY respectful. When I was dating I for a while thought that he was the one, but when he broke up with me b/c my mom had found out how old he really was at the time, i dropped that idea. And then one day not that long ago he added me on myspace and then i started to have dreams about him and i would wake up crying or i would just start thinking about him and then cry. That sucked. So I started talking to him more and more on myspace and we talked about dating again and he said that he would be up for it but then we thought about the fact that my mom didn't really like him, so we deiced to wait a while. And then for some reason we stopped talking and he deleted me. Then when I added him again like 2 months later, he had a fiancée. I was crushed, but i had it set in my mind that I could still make him mine. So one night i poured out all my feeling for him to him, and he did the same. He had made a comment saying that he wanted to sleep with me just once before he was married, and then all my sense came back to me and i told him that i couldn't and that it was wrong for him to think like that. And since then I have tolerated that he has a fiancée, but I still do really care for him, even tho I know I shouldn't.
Now that you know the background I will explain my problem, if you don't already see it. I feel that if I go see Zach that I will try to do something that I will regret, like try to kiss him, or something. And if I'm good and don't do that then when I'm alone that I will start crying and that I will want to be with him more and more. Which for many reason is bad. Other then his girl, I have a bf, Brett, that I love so much and want to spend my life with. I don't know why it is so hard for me to do something at simple as see an ex, but I can see my other ex's and I'm not this bad. I just wonder what could have happened, and nothing more, most of the time.
*sigh* I guess that I will just have to suck it up and see him once, i can't just never see him. b/c I think that that is making this worse. b/c I feel that i need to end our friendship, b/c of my feelings, but i can't do that without one last face to face goodbye.
I'm sorry that I bored you all with my stupid feelings, but I needed to release this all. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:therainbowbitme:536 ~Me~ 2008-07-16T01:50:49Z 2008-07-16T01:51:42Z The Rambling Of Gamers Ok, So I figured that I should start a blog, so I can rant all I want and not annoy too many people. For anyone that is reading this that doesn't know me, My name is Kayla, and I have a sucky past, and ummmm yah I'm not that exciting I guess. I'm in my schools color guard, and this is my 4th year, sadly. nah I guess I can't really say much, as much as I complain about guard I do like it, for the most part.
I live with my mom, Vickie, and her bf, Jerry. My sister, Nikki, and grandma, Bunny, also live here. O yah, and the demon, Rachael. She is Jerry's kid and she is....i don't know how else to describe her then a demon.
I'm sorry that this is not a exciting post right now I'm trying to give you all the background info that you need.
*looks back over that I wrote already* I'm guessing that you might be a little confused about me saying that i had a sucky past, it isn't what you most likely think. It had nothing to do with my family, they are wonderful to me. I'm just clearing that up b/c that is most of the time the 1st thing people go to when they hear "bad past". It had to do with my 1st bf. I don't really feel the need to say anything more then that, if anything ever needs to be said about him then I will share more, but that is all I will share now.
I don't really know what you people what to know now, I guess post a comment with a question and i will anwser.
I will more then likely post later.
^_^
