I promise to never go outside again (original) (raw)

The throbbing in my hand proves as a comfort

I will rot here. It's as I deserve. It's all I need.

My stomach squirms far too much, filled with putrid fantasies of being worthy when I know far better

Repugnant, incompetent, irresponsible child

I never became an adult and I never will. I cannot love this mind. I will not. This horribly impulsive, childish, buzzing mind. It kills everyone that interacts with it. Lazy, selfish, toxic and unbearably irritating

Why should I be loved? Why should I ever be loved?

My teeth just don't dig deep enough. I can't break the skin no matter how I try. I know there would be so much relief in letting its pressure out. I can't bite hard enough. My teeth aren't sharp enough.

I can't breathe. I'm going to die alone and I'm going to deserve it

-

I wish the harsh light that's been instilled in you since childhood didnt carve your heart to be so hard on itself. I wish the teeth you bare were raised to enjoy delicious meals and smile, not to defend yourself.

I wish your sunkissed skin didnt know the perils that you've had to face or the imprints of what happens when you believe your devices are the best form of punishment for simply existing.

I wish your heart would communicate with your head more, to be the sunshine it is in my life; to help shoo the clouds that make you so dreary, so depressed.

I wish your mind, your golden centerpiece like a vase of flowers, had the chance to bask in your glow, to bask in your presence. I wish things could be different for you, that a gentle outstretched hand didn't result in a grimace and a flinch.

But I love you for you, sunshine. You are the light of my life for just being who you are, bad days included. I can wish for a million things but reality doesn't have genies in bottles and magic carpets. Reality has you, and thats ten times better.

I am never leaving. Ever. Neither of us are dying alone.