'After Naked Dating and Hot Mess Summer, Rylan needs a new agent' (original) (raw)

The sometimes glittering and glamorous world of showbiz can also be a cruel, cruel place. One minute you’re in the latter stages of the biggest talent show in the land, singing your heart out in front of 15 million viewers. A decade later you end up in what is quite possibly the grubbiest enterprise in television history, staring into the blinding sunlight and wondering where it all went wrong.

Still, at least Rylan has the comfort of knowing that on Paramount+’s Dating Naked UK he’s amongst friends. For, in what I suppose we must wearily call a strange twist of fate, he is joined on a beautiful Colombian island by another guy who made it through to Boot Camp on The X Factor 2012.

I’d dearly love to say Rylan would have been further comforted by the fact that it’s Romeo who is walking around starkers 24/7, not him. I’m not so sure Romeo got the rough end of the deal though.

To have one disastrous dating show on your TV hosting CV in a year could be considered unlucky. To have two could be considered a worrying trend. That is what Rylan is facing up to as Dating Naked UK swiftly follows his very own Greek tragedy from February, Prime Video’s Hot Mess Summer.

Watch the trailer for Dating Naked UK

Of course, thanks to all his great works elsewhere Rylan still has enough credit in the presenting bank. But you have to wonder how many more stinkers he’ll be allowed to collect before his agent has a word. Or he gets a new agent.

For most people, a pitch that says "Imagine Love Island, but everyone’s naked" would scream more red flags than National Parade Day in China. So we can only assume Paramount+ caught Rylan in a brave and or/reckless moment.

Read more: Dating Naked

• Meet the cast of Dating Naked
• Rylan and Rob Rinder break down over heartbreaks
• ‘I hope Rylan got a lot of cash for Hot Mess Summer’

Sure, he can try to convince himself — and us — that it’s an important social experiment that pushes the boundaries and forces us to reconsider everything we thought we knew about the human condition, blah, blah, blah.

Lauren - Dating Naked UK 2024. (Paramount+)

As such you might question why, if Rylan believed so deeply in the added dimension that nudity brought to the show, he didn’t strip off himself whenever he was in the villa with the contestants. Maybe he’ll tell us before the series ends.

Deep down though, Rylan must know it’s a load of old guff. Exactly the sort of programme, in fact, that he and his brilliant mum Linda would rip to shreds on Celebrity Gogglebox. The stark truth is that the only remarkable thing about Dating Naked UK is that everyone is in the nude.

The alarming truth is that after around ten minutes of the first episode the nakedness becomes, for the viewer at least, utterly unremarkable. Honestly, by the end of episode two I’d even stopped making mental notes to not forget the pigs in blankets this Christmas.

For the contestants, I guess there must still be a certain amount of awkwardness at times. At one point during the second instalment Emily from Stockport is heard to exclaim "There’s five penises just walking around!"

Then again, who knows, that might have just been the tail end of a group discussion about the recent addition of Reform UK to the House of Commons.

Rico - Dating Naked UK 2024. (Paramount+)

In the main though, they seem fairly cool with it. The producers have certainly been careful in their choice of contestants. Speaking of which, I suppose we should get the important question of which of the guys has the biggest one out of the way now: On first impressions, I’d say Rico from Wales, but personal trainer Dan from Surrey is not far behind.

I’m talking about who has the biggest ego, by the way.

Still, fair play to them all for having the balls to take part. I’m all for a bit of positivity when it comes to body confidence, although it would appear that Paramount’s bookers were only confident enough to mainly cast people who are big fans of the gym.

You’ll no doubt be staggered to hear that when Rylan sends in another girl to stir things up at the end of the first episode she’s a blonde, beach body ready, bombshell from Australia. The problem is, once everyone involved has got past the nudity you are left with a bog-standard dating show. That’s fine if you like bog-standard dating shows and don’t mind the fact that we’d reached saturation point on that score long before Love Island went twice-yearly.

Dan - Dating Naked UK 2024. (Paramount+)

Much as Paramount+ would clearly love for this show to cause huge controversy, I can’t see that happening — well, beyond a tiresome PR-manufactured storm cooked up with friendly media partners.

The boring truth is that, aside from the exploitative grubbiness of the format itself, there is nothing remotely offensive or controversial about Dating Naked UK. That said, given that its credits boast almost as many legal disclaimers as the show boasts contestants, Paramount is well aware that it's sailing close to the wind.

If I’m being completely honest, the only thing about it that gets my heart rate racing is worrying about the many health and safety implications of letting it all hang out in a domestic environment.

Then again, if the boys do start helicoptering their willies too close to the hotplate in the kitchen at least Rylan would be able to repurpose the catchphrase from his used car adverts: "He’s singed it".

Dating Naked UK premieres on Friday 23 August exclusively on Paramount+.