.Cut Me Up. (original) (raw)
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| Hey everyone. | [25 Oct 2005|12:25pm] |
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[ **mood** |  curious ] Hey, I just joined livejournal. I found your site. I have been a cutter for about 3 years. I also have an eating disorder. I hope to meet people like me I guess. Nice to meet you all. |
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| hello | [21 Jul 2005|10:42am] |
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| hey just figured i'd introduce myself...my name is cindy, most people call me sinh tho. i've been cutting since i was about 11 or 12. i don't have many friends who understand and none of my family does. my mum had me put away when i was 15 but i'm back home now. i'm looking for friends, will you be my friend?xSinHx |
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confused ] Well everyone has bad days, sooner or later. My life is not nessesaraly bad, but it has it's ups and downs. i have had a eating disorder for many years and things happened that i did'nt want to happen.....well when i was younger, i meet this friend of mine at school. she was a cutter. i asked,"Does'nt that hurt?" she said," no, it's what i do to relax." i have been cutting for about since i was about 11 years and i have never felt more-in-control with my life. when i have a bad day, there is't many people i can talk to to let off the stress, so i cute myself. the thrill, the reless of all the shit that went wrong with your day is now all over the floor. it felt great! there are know other words to discribe it.well then most of you know, it gets harder and harder to hide the scars. it hurts when your mother or father grabs your arm and says, " What the hell is wronge with you? your lifes not good enough so your trying to kill yourself!!!!" yes, there has been days that i wanted to die, or tryed to anyway, but now was'nt the case. i just had a bad week, month....year. so i have found new ways to "release the stress" i have found places that sell peircing needles. so i peirce myself. over and over intil the pain is gone. now this was after my parents sent me to a hospital, a crazy house. there are somthings other people cant fix. so i found that peircing, being alot more funnier and alot easier to hide with jelwery and rings, were best for me. people stoped talking, and admirred my work.now at 20 years old, i have my body in wonder scars and peircings all over, and i would'nt change a thing.always with you....kari[ Help Me? ]
| Eating Disorders Research | [07 Dec 2004|09:15pm] |
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| All:(If you’ve seen this on other communities, its been UPDATED, please read) Hey everyone, Id like to introduce myself. My name is Lindsay and Im 22, a graduate from SUNY Fredonia. I will be going on to grad school in Fall 2005 and in the meantime I want to do some research. I will be going on to school for social work to study eating disorders. I am in the very early stages of putting together a lengthy survey that I plan to turn into a book (before I return to school). This is where all of you come in. I would like to know if any of you would be interested in taking a survey such as this. It would be completely confidential (you would give only me personal info. for my record-keeping). This is going to be looked over by a lawyer before I send it out, so it will be very legit. The questions range from demographics (name, age, sex etc.)- personal data such as names would not be disclosed, to questions about your personal struggle, media influence, mental health background etc. I believe I am qualified to do research like this because I have struggled with an eating disorder for years, I feel like I have a non-judgemental outlook and the ability to ask questions that maybe haven't been asked before. I’d like to make it CLEAR that I am looking to survey males and females of ALL shapes and sizes as well as current health statuses. If you have struggled with an eating disorder in the past or are now and you happen to be interested, great! If not, that is absolutly fine and I hope that I haven’t offended you by posting on this community. I have posted to this community because it includes the interest ‘eating disorder’. I am at the beginning of my research, and it will take me a lot of time to get a wide range of people (pro AND anti ana people etc.)This is a rather non-personal email (sorry) that I intend to send to as many of these eating disorder based livejournal groups as possible. That is because I need help from ALL of you. If you are interested- email me ED_Research@hotmail.comIf you respond to this on a community, chances are I won’t see it for a very long time. This is because I am having very successful responses (YAY) from this post, and it takes me a very long time just keeping up with my emails. I am so sorry about that and I mean no disrespect to your community, if you feel that way then you may simply delete this post.Please keep in mind that I am in the beginning stages and although I want to move the processes along quickly, it may take time before I am able to send the finalized survey out. If you email me, I will try my best to respond in a timely fashion and answer any questions you may have.Thank you so much, Lindsay |
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| Im Really Here | [30 Sep 2004|07:50pm] |
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[ **mood** |  apathetic ] Hey Im New Here. i picked this community cuz i think it will help. i MAY have social anxiety. but no one knows. i prefer close ones dont know how i feel on the inside. so i cover it with fake smiles and loud talking. i've tried starving myself but it never gets very far. if you asked anyone im not the type to wish for death. but most dont kno me well. i live in my head. but im being optomistic and hoping this is gonna help me. |
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blank ] Hello,I see a few more people have joined.I wanted to let you know, I am screening comments because there was a rather disturbing comment posted by an annonymous user on my last entry here.I'm trying to keep this place specifically for help, and not for degrading messages.I will be checking back as often as I can to unscreen appropriate comments.All in all, other than the latter, feedback has been very positive and I hope to see it grow into more.Thanks guys!~Enigma[ Help Me? ]
awake ] hi. i've been lurking here for quite a while under the username sunchaser10.. and things are pretty much the same as they were a year ago.cutting. i consider it a bad habit. a stupid way to relieve stress that i can't handle and mostly, a way to deal with self-loathing. things have never been the same ever since i started it. i get these flashbacks. and at times i can't stop thinking of cutting my tongue and my face, mutilating my face and other body parts. it's morbid, but i can't help it. i'm doing fine, though. it's the winter that is the hardest. i'm either mentally overly stressed or things are just too fucked up that i don't know what to do. starving and cutting give me something else to think.it just hurts to think how many times i've promised to stop it. how many times have i told my best friend that i will stop? i couldn't count. i love her more than anything and it hurts to think that here i go betraying her again. i'm tired of promises. i can only promise to try.. and to fail is a good excuse.pathetic, mayhaps.[2 Gave Me Their Hand ][ Help Me? ]
numb ] It hurts when i can't say...the things i need to say.It hurts to know that you're going to walk away, The moment i shed away all those layers of lies i've been puttingup as a wall, A wall to protect you from me, from the unholiness i've brought onto my life... I know that you can't help me out, I know i've dug myself in too deep into this hole. I know that if reach up and take your hand, you'll be afraid i'll pull you down. Please just go away.I don't need happiness, i don't need laughter, i dont need the hope that'll keep me suffering for longer... I DONT WANT TO FAiL !! I DON'T WANT TO FALL ONCE MORE!that's why i've decided.. I'm not getting up again. There's nothing else for me. There's no reason to try. I'm not letting my true self show. No, im too ashamed, I'm sorry, all of you whom i have disappointed, im sorry, all of you who've had pity upon my life... and i'm sorry all of you.. I can't get up again, i dont want your help. Please just go away. I'm not falling again. kLaudia.[1 Gave Me Their Hand ][ Help Me? ]
complacent ] I'm so glad to see that this community is slowly flowering into a real vent and haven for people.I hope to see more progress in the coming months.Now that winter has officially ended, I hope to see more of you come out of your shells...winter weather seems to have that effect on people.Thank you guys!Thank you for your support.Keep journaling!~Enigma[4 Gave Me Their Hand ][ Help Me? ]
depressed ] Well..I had a Xanga site but I kept hearing about how Livejournal was so much better.. so I decided to find out for myself. Also, I stupidly let my counselor see my Xanga who showed the school social worker who showed my psychotherapist.. and so the list goes on. But you get the point.Well anyways.. who am I?I'm an ember of who I used to be. My name's Tanya. It's Russian even though I'm not Russian at all. It means queen of faerieland. I don't feel like a queen or a faerie at all, though. I loved a boy.. Nick. Well.. I've loved a number of boys over the years but this one was different. But now he loves someone else. He says he still loves me and that his feelings for me will not fade but I know it's a lie. And he calls me the liar. He says I was just too much for him to handle. Everyone says that about me when they get to know me. But then why do they burden themselves with me in the first place? Yeah. My point exactly. They shouldn't. Shouldn't give me a chance to latch on and begin to need them. Throughout my years friends, best friends, boyfriends, family members have all done that to me. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I guess you think wrong. When I realized he and I were over I slashed my wrist. He kept me from going deeper or to my other wrist because he called me and sometimes I’m angry at him for that. Sometimes it's like he kept me alive just to indirectly, or maybe directly, torture me. I know if he read this he'd cry and he'd bleed. I dunno, maybe he deserves it. I hope he doesn't but maybe. Some of my friends think he does.. That's another thing, friends. I was best friends with this girl, Gina she happened to be that boy's sister, but I'll explain that later. She and I were close. For a year or so before I met her I had really little female.. or well human contact at all. It felt so good to have someone invite you to sleep over and hang out with you even though I felt like I was on the outside when her other friend was around. It felt so good to have someone to talk to and tell secret things too. Especially because she cut too. It felt good to know I wasn't alone. Once we even did it together. In class. Spanish. We used to always get in trouble in that class. We always got accused of cheating off each others papers cause we always got the same answers. But when the teacher separated us to opposite corners of the room we still got the same answers. So look who was wrong. But yeah, I felt good to have this relationship. I always felt that she enjoyed being around me because I was miserable and it made her feel less miserable. Once she told me she suspected the same of me. I s'pose we both were correct. But she wasn't a good friend when it came down to it. One day I was over her house when I was in a really bad mood. I had been on the phone with a suicide hotline all morning. Her other good friend, the one mentioned before, and her now ex boyfriend was there. They knew a lot of secrets about me. And in front of my face I watched them all be told. I silently relived everyone of those bad experiences. And I know my best friend loved it. She loved to know I was suffering.. dying. That's why she did it. Unfortunately she screwed herself over because the only compassionate face in that house was her brother. And I ran to him for his security, empathy, and friendship. I had decided I'd rather have no friends than friends that hurt me and I thought it'd be easier to have no friends with someone else, her brother. Well.. he did take care of me.. very well I must say. We ended up going out but we had to keep it a secret because we both knew his mother would not approve and we really wanted to be together because we had fallen in love. I had lost my best friend and all of our friends but I had gained someone who loved me. And soon his mother found out and accepted it. I decided all was worth it. Things were working out. Unfortunately, his sister didn't want things to work out for me. She rebrought up my secrets but distorted them horribly. She told them to people at my school and to her brother. It killed me.. and it still does, to hear these stories. It hurts even more to know people, her brother included, believe them. When they all believe them and won't listen to me it causes such enormous amount of pain. It feels like I am on the ground in a ball and everyone is surrounding me with spears pressing into my skin. I've exploded.. just like a hotdog put in the microwave for too long. And now there's a huge mess to clean up. I want it cleaned up but at the same time I want to just be left alone. I think we both know who I want to clean it up, yes, him. There were people before him but they don't matter. They're also to blame for my pain. I dated this kid who spread rumors about me. But it's ok because that's all he was and still is just some kid. Once I dated another one for a year. He was scary. He still is scary. He had some kind of control over me. Maybe it's just that I'm gullible and easy to manipulate but he did a pretty good job.. and he didn't put too much effort into it. Or at least he didn't make it seem that way. I want to forget my relationship with him but of course my old best friend keeps bringing it up. But she changed it and made it seem like everything I did was free will. And it hurts. Makes me think I really did deserve every bit of pain I've been given and that I am to blame for things because everything really is my fault. I had a number of friends too. I few ditched me for cooler friends. Others because of conditions out of their control. Some I just grew apart from. It always hurt. But none of them wanted to hurt me. but maybe now this is all what I deserve now. I've done something wrong.. a lot of things wrong. And I need to suffer. I've always suffered for something, someone, you maybe. All of you. Maybe. I feel like the weight of the world is upon me and I'm slowly being squashed. I'm just not that strong. I'm sorry. I feel so ugly. When I was with him he told me I was beautiful. Now he doesn't and I know I must be ugly. People say I'm anorexic but I'm stronger than Ana and they should know that. But when it comes down to it.. I don't know what or who I am. I'm just suffering. I half want it gone but I'm half scared. Afraid of what I'll be if I'm not suffering and depressed. All I know now is that I'm just empty. Just a shell of a girl. A shell of something that I used to be a long time ago.. so close to being not a thing at all.. absolutely nothing. Wow.. I REALLY needed to vent..[ Help Me? ]
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| Papercuts | [20 Dec 2003|11:55pm] |
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| there are times that I want to hurt, and that I want to bleed. There are times that I want it all to just stop. my life's become nothing but a string of meaningless relationships and hollow promises. I can't help but feel like it's my fault. |
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crushed ] The lingering smell of roses.As I sit alone, with the knife in my hand.My emotions run numb, the dark imposes.I knew that they wouldn't understand.So the blade caresses my wrist;And as I lay here, I can't remember.I closed my eyes as I try to reminisce.The light burned through my eyelids like a hot ember.There's a warm feeling leaving my body;I feel it running down my arm.I drifted, felt as though I was disembodied.Beforehand, death had a strange charm.Now, as I lay, with my eyes closed - and ready;I was fooled, death plays it's wicked game.I tried to walk, but was unsteady.He takes my arm, as if laying claim.Even now, as my fate discloses;I can still smell the fermented roses...mm..an old one..heh.thought i would share.[2 Gave Me Their Hand ][ Help Me? ]
| Cutting | [07 Dec 2003|12:11pm] |
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| Last week I started cutting, I used to be self destructive using alcohol and sex; but then I joined AA to try and stop and it was as if I was simply replacing. Last monday I just picked up my knife and did it, I went to the bathroom where I could watch myself do it and cut. I did it every day last week but friday - but Saturday morning I took the knife into the shower with me and cut the hell out on my chest and stomach. it just makes it feel better on the inside; it makes the pain go away. But I know that it's wrong and I know that I'm hurting those who love me. |
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| Hey | [10 Nov 2003|02:01pm] |
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| I just joined and wanted to say hey to everyoneLiz |
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| [28 Jul 2003|07:54pm] | |
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[ **mood** |  frustrated ] http://www.livejournal.com/users/destinysbrat/20599.htmlThis sparked my interest... well, rather my temper.Some say ignorance is bliss, I just wish it were like that for those on the recieving end. :\I'll never...ever understand. I hope she doesn't mind, she did friend me afterwards, but I speaking more of those who commented..<3Enigma |
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| hrrm | [10 Jun 2003|11:24pm] |
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[ **mood** |  tired ] hello everyone. yet another new member.. and this is my story.i started cutting in december 02. i've kept myself away from razors pretty well, my most recent cut was in march, i think. i was depressed and i was starting to be manic depressive in march. but somehow i just managed to push myself to school more often. since then i've been feeling better. my parents said it all was just a part of being a teenager, but if it'd be normal, it wouldn't last for months, right? nobody knew what i was going through. not even my parents, i always said my dog made those scarves. one night i told my mom and started to cry and tell her that i wanted to die and i can't take it anymore. she just said, "since when you've been talking like that?" and "just don't cut yourself again, okay? it's not healthy". and that annoys me... even my parents didn't help me, i had to go through it on my own. i could ramble about this forever but i'd really like to go sleeping. good night. |
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