Whaddaya MEAN you've never heard of me?!? (original) (raw)

Thu, 17:05: Sorry WHAT is trending?!? Maybe this is a good time to mention that Smurfette was created by Gargamel to turn smurfs against each other so he could more easily kill and eat them. https://t.co/o4fB6AA0L6
Fri, 00:48: Wordle 678 3/6 🟩⬛🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟨🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Fri, 11:57: Senate @GOP: ‘EQUAL rights?!? For everyone?!? We’ll see about that!’ Any of you “Both parties are the same” a-holes care to respond? https://t.co/edHyKN05B3

Wed, 12:06: Yeah, but the scientists were so concerned with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should! https://t.co/NZ452jBPZc
Wed, 13:20: Hey, @SixFlags? Did you really fire an employee because someone complained about a fictional book they wrote? If so, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Wed, 14:19: Ha! Be sure to read this profanity-filled anti-me rant before it’s taken down. (Not the book, the review) https://t.co/dMvpqh8Roh
Thu, 02:35: Wordle 677 3/6 ⬛🟨🟩⬛⬛ ⬛🟩🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Tue, 15:30: Some of you have asked about my lesbian lizards AKA mourning geckos. Kristen Stewart here showed herself recently. The only one other than Joan Jett to do so thus far. https://t.co/27UxfYeeh4
Wed, 00:30: Wordle 676 5/6 🟨🟨⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛🟨🟨⬛ ⬛⬛🟨🟩🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Wed, 10:13: Tukkker Carlson and Don Lemon hired the same lawyer after getting fired. I’m not even sure why that’s funny. But it is.
Wed, 11:55: The Twitter blue my boss paid for has finally expired, yet my blue features (save the elusive checkmark) all still work. Love it. And I don’t even have to see Explody McRocketson in my feed. I’m really only here for one guy anyway… https://t.co/2wmBq2wPb5

Mon, 14:39: Anybody else think @FoxNews is gonna drop all their heavy hitters and declare bankruptcy? If you’re in the area, do watch out for grifty liars with golden parachutes.
Mon, 17:10: RT @ThrillWHill: In honor of Tucker Carlson getting fired from Fox News, let's all take a moment to appreciate this Hall of Fame moment wit…
Mon, 18:55: You guys... https://t.co/yHjM04aUWy
Tue, 03:05: Wordle 675 4/6 ⬛⬛🟩🟩⬛ ⬛⬛🟩🟩⬛ ⬛🟩🟩🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Tue, 09:32: RT @LowMaga: @seanhannity https://t.co/7KHz1u9r0t
Tue, 10:00: If I may say one last thing about the firings of misogynist jag Don Lemon and cancer on American journalism Tukkker Carlson: This Odd Couple reboot is about to be lit!!! But which one is fastidious? I’m guessing the one used to keeping a white cape and hood springtime fresh. 🤷🏻‍♀️ https://t.co/7i4FtkZUsp
Tue, 10:46: Anne Perry died 2 weeks ago and I’m just finding out now. ☹️ https://t.co/XixxGvNWYL

Sun, 20:54: You know this show #Evil? We’re watching it on @paramountplus. We got it to watch Picard but are keeping it because this show has a great cast and really strong writing. It’s Luke Cage, Ben Linus, and Asif Mandvi. https://t.co/KByiL0ZwlK
Mon, 02:21: Wordle 674 5/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛🟨⬛⬛🟨 ⬛⬛🟨🟨⬛ ⬛🟩🟨🟨⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Sun, 01:35: I would genuinely like to know if there are people who began reading @StephenKing because they heard about him for the first time on Twitter. Is that really a thing? https://t.co/zMg4TYAXEe
Sun, 01:36: Tweets that make you feel all oogy. https://t.co/K44ZYtT3R6
Sun, 02:11: Wordle 673 3/6 🟨⬛🟨🟨⬛ ⬛🟨⬛🟩🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Sun, 15:14: Wow. Good on you, @DoorDash! https://t.co/MN5Ev5bA5k
Sun, 15:57: Listening to even these Republicans is just friggin’ surreal. ‘You might be outraged by those who are occasionally reasonable, but remember that they’re all better than the Orange Menace. Yeah, we supported him, but now we know Hillary was right.’ https://t.co/LWh8HETnKq

Thu, 13:58: Condolences to @elonmusk and his big manly rocket—which prematurely exploded almost immediately upon launch. Probably because it’s been a while and we’re so pretty. 😂🤣
Thu, 14:27: .@DonaldJTrumpJr Hey Dingus, who’s on your show tonight? I’m sure it’s some bigot trying to make a name for themselves by kissing your dad’s ass. But which one?
Thu, 14:58: Gosh, I guess @dbongino isn’t gonna have a show on FOX anymore. Rumor is they couldn’t meet his price. I did hear something about FOX having a bit of a money-pinch just now… 😂🤣 $100 says Candace Owens is about to get her own program.
Thu, 16:39: I don't always agree with Mr. Cleese, but when he's on point? Damn... https://t.co/RAixaI4H0t
Thu, 16:47: ChatGPT seems pretty "woke" in the MAGA parlance. How long before they boycott? https://t.co/sicdzw6haD

Wed, 19:26: What are y’all doing for 4/20 eve? Be sure to leave out milk & cookies for the ZigZag man!
Thu, 00:58: Wordle 670 3/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟨🟨 ⬛🟨🟩🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Tue, 17:03: #FOX “news” gives #Dominion nearly $800million in a settlement they never would have made had they believed what they were reporting. Every viewer who believed them should also sue, and watch other #news. #DominionvFox #FOXNewsLies #FoxNewsTrial https://t.co/3NbURqCfMl
Wed, 02:42: Wordle 669 4/6 🟨⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟩⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟩⬛🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Wed, 08:21: Hey so, you know how #DominionCaved instead of actually striking a blow for Democracy & election integrity? Can anyone help me understand why? FFS, the defamers and paid liars don’t even have to admit what they did. Why doesn’t anyone care about basic right & wrong anymore? 🤷🏻‍♀️
Wed, 09:52: *reads news* Has anyone told Rhonda Santis the the number one killer of kids and teens in this country isn’t trans-affirming care, drag shows, accurate US history, or the House of Mouse? It’s guns, you hilariously closeted nitwit. Do something about the guns. @RonDeSantisFL
Wed, 11:48: Watch out for flying monocles this week as MAGA cultists will undoubtedly be popping them. RuPaul is collaborating with Build-a-Bear on a fabulous stuffy that’s prolly sparkly AF. Can’t wait to hear how that’s an affront to decent society. 🤦🏻‍♀️ https://t.co/2ArGblkOBl
Wed, 14:41: Does @BurgerKing really not have @CokeZero or is the store near me just janky? @DietCoke is the friggin' worst and I don't want it anywhere near my mouth.
Wed, 15:55: They: “We read your interview in Authority magazine. We’re hoping you can sit down with us to talk about your new book series.” Me: Thank you, that sounds good. Me (internally): https://t.co/En81wh9Lau

Mon, 00:53: Wordle 660 4/6 ⬛⬛🟨⬛⬛ ⬛⬛🟨🟩🟨 🟨⬛⬛🟩🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Mon, 08:45: Anybody else find it weird that this is still up? Was researching today was didn’t imagine it would be. Um, thanks? https://t.co/sKt256kIAY
Mon, 11:06: Super stoked that my cadre of lesbian lizards (aka Mourning Geckos) will arrive tomorrow. 5 in total—all Hawaiians!!! https://t.co/fws1vzNID0 https://t.co/J1F5KFrBKF
Mon, 12:53: RT @MiaFarrow: The “why”matters less now. We’ve had 128 mass shootings in 2023 - and maybe 128 reasons why. The question is where next. Thi…

Sat, 12:13: What do strangers think they’re accomplishing by telling me I’m fat? Do they think I’m unaware? Like maybe I’m buying size 2 clothes and am flummoxed as to why they don’t fit? No, seriously, what is the point?
Sat, 17:34: It’s almost Easter, and you know what that means, right? Time for one of my favorite pictures of my favorite guy. https://t.co/cQOAuU6pIL
Sat, 22:05: How come none of you told me that #Knockatthecabin was an incredible watch? So good. @DaveBautista is blowing my mind with his acting chops. #Damn.
Sun, 00:46: Wordle 659 5/6 ⬛⬛🟩🟨⬛ ⬛⬛🟩⬛🟨 ⬛🟩🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Fri, 13:06: RT @Ugarles: "anti-muslim activist" is a deranged phrase. she's a bigot! she is not an "anti-muslim activist" she is a "pro-bigotry lunatic"
Fri, 13:11: Wow, @JoeBiden, you are screwing up bigly. If we wanted bigoted policies, we’d have voted for the openly hateful guys. You are now on the side of bullies and terrorists. https://t.co/wguDqPTSfr
Fri, 13:41: Pretty soon, hateful bigots won’t be able to get their drink on at all. https://t.co/3WShWJB9X1
Fri, 14:12: Y’all can stop sending me this. I’ve seen it. https://t.co/AoyTfRuhEv
Fri, 14:43: "Handed directly to a resident." https://t.co/bRCPJNC1TQ
Fri, 14:50: Just realized that today is Friday and I'm off all next week. Now I have all the time in the world to chuckle merrily at affluent, grown-ass men throwing temper tantrums over beer cans & whisky bottles.
Fri, 15:20: Just reminding everyone about the greatest song in the whole wide world. @jonathancoulton https://t.co/MnTnWTi8Ha
Fri, 18:17: So...Patreon says I can't change my account to Safe for Everybody because of 1 tiny cannibal sex murder. 😱😡 You know what? Imma turn way into that skid. Because why the hell not. 👿 You filthy maniacs can get in on the action starting at only $5 a month. 👍🔪🩸… https://t.co/JqaYf7V6O7
Fri, 18:36: It's Francis Ford Coppola's birthday. So you all need to be aware of this (he does the whole tril and it's great!!) #MEF https://t.co/93FwnUUOSg
Sat, 01:34: Wordle 658 6/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛🟨⬛ ⬛⬛🟨🟨🟨 ⬛🟨🟨⬛🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Thu, 11:51: Did anybody else have “Don Lemon turns out to be a sexist jag” on their 2023 bingo card? Because I did not.
Thu, 12:36: Wordle 656 2/6 🟨⬛🟨🟨⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Thu, 14:19: Ha. https://t.co/z1oa6CY5rC
Fri, 01:02: Wordle 657 3/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟨🟨🟨⬛🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Fri, 02:58: RT @CoffeyTimeNews: BREAKING: Congressman Ted Lieu has called on Clarence Thomas to resign. I’m with Ted.

Tue, 17:44: My MAGA Cousin: They’re railroading him! 🤬 Me: Because he did crimes. MMC: Arresting him is partisan! Me: Not if he’s a criminal. MMC: You just want to see him humiliated. Me: Because he ran for POTUS as a grift and now he’s being charged with conspiracy? Mmmaybe… 😂🤣
Tue, 18:42: I don't normally talk about having a Traumatic Brain Injury--mainly because it provides insult-ammo to already mean people. But after all the talk about @JohnFetterman, I agreed to this interview. Question is, will @jordanklepper see it? https://t.co/7NzoviqbDW
Wed, 00:26: Wordle 655 4/6 ⬛🟨⬛⬛🟨 🟩⬛⬛⬛⬛ 🟩🟨🟩🟨⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Wed, 13:05: Sometimes 1st drafts are super fun to write, other times they’re torture. Either way, today is Anything Can Happen Day! FYI: The President’s Son Saves the World will be the best trilogy-ender ever.
Wed, 13:23: RT @BettyBowers: “When you’re dealing with defendants, don’t be so nice.” —Donald Trump to police “Whaaaaa! Whaaaaa! The police didn’t ho…
Wed, 13:26: Me: Why am I seeing so many PSAs about anti-semitism suddenly? Me: *checks hate crime stats* Me: Oh…well, that sucks. You’d think since George Soros apparently owns the world, that he’d have stopped this. 🤔
Wed, 15:13: Bigoted drinkers of tin-can-flavored swill are not having a very good week. https://t.co/NxShhXcxNU
Wed, 15:18: @KidRock reminds me of the weekend dads who reek of Marlboros and scream in front of their toddlers how they would "sue the shit out of Blockbuster" over $4 in late fees. But sure, sorry the rampant tolerance of a beer company gave him a semi-automatic sad. 🎻🎻🎻

Wed, 11:22: Wordle 648 3/6 🟩🟩⬛🟨🟩 🟩🟩🟩⬛🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Wed, 15:17: "Contrary to what some braying jackasses would have you believe, a mental health diagnosis or head injury doesn’t make someone a “vegetable.” Getting help is a sign of strength and perseverance — not weakness or feeble-mindedness." https://t.co/9DSxpLJhLF
Wed, 16:18: High School Classmate: I've been sober for 8 weeks and my kid is still acting out. It's ridiculous. Me: Your kid is 10. You've been sober for 1.8% of his life. Get some fucking perspective. HSCM: He's gonna drive me to drink! Me: *wonders if I should offer to raise kid*
Wed, 20:40: Reminder: It’s still stupid that I can’t stream the original #DawnOfTheDead. I have to keep a DVD player around just for that, the B&W version of #TheMist, #Paxton’s director commentary from #Frailty, and a few criterion things. #1stWorldProblems
Thu, 03:55: Wordle 649 6/6 ⬛⬛🟨⬛⬛ 🟨⬛🟨🟨⬛ ⬛⬛🟩🟨⬛ ⬛🟩🟩🟩⬛ ⬛🟩🟩🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Mon, 17:40: If I'm being honest, I feel a lot more stoppable than this article would suggest. PS. Nobody tell #DonJr, lest he call me a vegetable or say that if anyone cared about me they'd tell me to quit my job and go drool in a padded room somewhere. https://t.co/7NzoviqJtu
Tue, 00:59: Wordle 647 5/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟨⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛🟨🟨⬛⬛ ⬛🟩🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Sun, 18:37: Was trying to buy my hubs a suit for his mother's funeral (she died yesterday) and was interrupted by a call that my uncle/godfather died last night. Great joke, Karma. But if you could give me a fucking break now and then, that would also be nice.
Mon, 00:36: Wordle 646 5/6 ⬛⬛🟨⬛⬛ ⬛🟨🟨⬛⬛ 🟨🟨🟨⬛⬛ ⬛🟨⬛🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Mon, 09:29: Two deaths in my immediate family over the weekend has us talking about how much we want or don’t want to die alone. Obvs, we don’t all get to choose. But I think I prefer that my death be as private as possible. It’s not a spectator sport.

Sat, 15:07: I will legit never buy clothing marketed to me “as a mature woman.” I need a way to demonstrate how NOT mature I am. I’m rubber & you’re glue—so everything you say bounces off me & sticks to you, Doodyhead! *licks hand, touches you* I hope that clears up any misunderstanding.
Sat, 16:27: My smug-churchy mother-in-law died this morning. Irritating as she was, she raised a fine man for me to marry and I wish I’d been more gracious toward her.
Sun, 00:09: Wordle 645 3/6 ⬛🟨🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟩⬛🟨⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Sat, 01:03: Wordle 644 5/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛🟩🟩 ⬛🟩⬛🟩🟩 ⬛🟩🟨🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Fri, 07:42: Wordle 643 4/6 ⬛🟨⬛⬛⬛ ⬛🟨🟨⬛⬛ 🟨🟩🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Fri, 07:52: Delighted to hear this morn that the #lesbian #lizards (mourning #geckos to you normies) are back in stock at @JoshsFrogs. Beyond stoked to go pick some up!!! My #paludarium has been waiting for this since November.
Fri, 14:56: I've got to figure out a way not to internally panic whenever a famous old person is suddenly trending. Jack Nicholson is fine. I'm off to reaffirm the healing power of laughter... (at least until McMurphy brings in hookers and booze).
Fri, 15:16: "Handed directly to a resident" #Amazon https://t.co/AmKxC3Mdxn
Fri, 15:55: Glad to see that Fetterman is feeling better. Just noticing though, that Mitch McConell has a concussion and not one @GOP hatemonger has been calling him a vegetable or saying 'if anyone cared about him they'd make him retire.'
Fri, 15:59: Maybe you all should stop with the gleeful mockery of the new investigations on Melania. She's had sex with Donald Trump. More than once. FFS, her life is nightmarish enough. Prison would be an upgrade.
Fri, 16:40: Who's got two thumbs and a new horror story up for all my wonderful supporters!! 👍👍 (it me) https://t.co/JVy7yOvPiv
Fri, 20:24: Agreed. https://t.co/qkXC1eLdxo
Fri, 23:27: Hey, #Writer / #Author types. I just looked in an old folder and found 4 different partial manuscripts I seriously have no memory of writing. Honestly none. Does that like...mean something bad? It doesn't sound like it means something good. #Books #Novels

Tue, 10:23: My week so far is already nightmarish. So I'm posting this, which always makes me laugh. (it's for the political satire books I write under a fake name) https://t.co/6gQl5Fu91K
Tue, 14:37: Our fridge broke 6 hours after we did a month of grocery shopping. $300 is a hard hit for us right now. But…I took a nap & woke to enough donated 💰💰to replace everything—plus enough to order dinner tonight. That’s because my friends are poor & progressive. We help each… https://t.co/x10uzHH3E0
Tue, 15:18: My twitter reading feed is somehow rife with the worst of the #MAGA @GOP. Gross, right? Funny thing is, not one person wailing about a potential #Trumparrest is saying he didn’t do what he’s accused of—only that it’s partisan to arrest him for it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ #TrumpIsACriminal
Tue, 22:34: Michael Steele is on @MSNBC now? These fake-ass, attention-starved #maga people are ridiculous. Now he’s talking to Michael friggin’ Cohen about how T is a liar. Sure, he is. But y’all both made money kissing his ring.
Wed, 00:28: Wordle 641 4/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟩🟨 🟩⬛⬛🟩⬛ ⬛⬛⬛🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Wed, 03:44: RT @kylegriffin1: House Oversight's Jamie Raskin: "The Republicans' letter to the Manhattan District Attorney represents an astonishing and…

Sun, 16:20: If you’re starting an argument because someone didn’t laugh at your hateful joke, it may be time to consider that YOU are the “overly-sensitive woke snowflake.”
Sun, 17:29: The future the alt-reich wants: To pretend racism never existed and anyone who says otherwise is just trying to start a race war. Call out this crap where ever you see it. https://t.co/dSiUor7dYu
Sun, 21:24: RT @Im14N: @JackPosobiec https://t.co/KkhzoXUqsG

Sat, 15:56: RT @Tibou33969029: " My name is Jon Stewart. I am Jewish and zionists call me antisemite to shut down discussions about Palestinian human r…
Sat, 15:59: Do I really have to subscribe to @AppleTVPlus just to watch Jon Stewart? I liked TV more when I didn't have to have a separate monthly subscription for each channel.
Sat, 16:03: My Maga Cousin: Book banning isn't always bad. Parents have a right to decide. Me: Unless their children are trans, right? MMC: Wdym? Me: You love that new law where parents of trans kids can be arrested for taking them to the doctor. MMC: That's different. Me: How? MMC:… https://t.co/OsLD96EF2N
Sun, 01:31: Wordle 638 5/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟨🟨⬛🟨⬛ ⬛⬛🟨🟨🟨 ⬛🟨⬛🟨🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Sun, 12:53: From The Duh Files. https://t.co/OtzhTcv5dA

Fri, 16:04: Are they gonna disallow @nbcsnl in #Tennessee? Because you can take the Gap Girls from my cold dead hands. Weird that some of those “cross dressing #groomers” are outspoken #MAGA types now. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Whatever you do, don’t let your kid see this: https://t.co/dCwblFiETR #trans?
Fri, 16:40: You know, @RonDeSantisFL definitely has the face of a dude who would watch a human being tortured…and be completely unaffected by it. Lacking humanity and empathy is a win for these fascists. https://t.co/H6f8cBrwbl
Fri, 18:15: Wait, did @JohnCleese get a new gig posing for cautionary signs? https://t.co/2xatc7EHRy
Fri, 19:06: They’re remaking #FacesOfDeath? Seems like that’s something that would make every existing #horror group collapse into itself. I’m intrigued. But you just know it’s going to be straight-up #gorenography.
Fri, 20:01: Some random #creep is trying to buy this #painting, which I’ve been obsessing over for years. So now I gotta buy it by months end or it’s going in some a-holes “#Trump #art exhibit.” Like that’s really more important than adding it to my collection… #MAGA? #DonJr. #MAGACult… https://t.co/DvKBLFkyAH https://t.co/LnY7y5Kl4e
Sat, 01:15: Wordle 637 4/6 🟨⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟨⬛🟨⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Sat, 10:28: The hubs and I have a long-standing joke/argument about displaying this man’s evocative visage in our home. I win. Always. https://t.co/SnngkQe6tl

Wed, 18:55: JFC would you look at this friggin’ lunatic?!? (Click for all the madness). https://t.co/qHSPE1wnfE
Thu, 00:22: Wordle 635 6/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟨🟨⬛⬛⬛ ⬛🟨⬛🟩🟨 🟨🟩🟩🟩⬛ ⬛🟩🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Tue, 20:29: Hmmm Jimmy Carter makes me wonder who should read my eulogy. Ten years ago, I’d have said @therealroseanne without hesitation. Now I’d probably pic something…I dunno…more fanciful. https://t.co/PVJS7DhbUl
Wed, 08:07: Hey, all you younglings who have just now learned who Brendan Fraser is—I implore you to hunt down a copy of The Passion of Darkly Noon. He and Viggo should have won big awards for it.
Wed, 09:39: My MAGA Cousin: We don’t hate trans people, but children shouldn’t be having sex changes. Me: Right. That’s why that doesn’t happen. But this isn’t about protecting children. MMC: How dare you? Me: States are rolling back child labor laws and you have said shit. MMC: 🦗🦗🦗
Wed, 10:20: If I had a kid & honestly thought a teacher was showing them pornography at school—I’d show up with the cops and not leave until the porn was confiscated & the teacher fired. The fact that no parents are doing this suggests that schools aren’t actually showing kids porn.
Wed, 12:46: I wish they’d stop sending me this every time there’s a price drop. H is gonna be so mad when I finally give in and buy it. Then we shall cavort and #MAGA. https://t.co/ecpKmcmnnX https://t.co/lK7ckPOzvH
Wed, 13:39: As long as Ben Shapiro is trending, I'll mention how much I enjoyed him in Children of the Corn. https://t.co/W9ThzxfVCl

Mon, 19:12: The older I get, the less everything makes sense. Even drugs are confusing now. Et tu, Drugs? https://t.co/BrV5Rwp2bI
Tue, 00:39: Wordle 633 4/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟨⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟩⬛🟩⬛🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Mon, 00:24: Wordle 632 4/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟨🟨🟩⬛⬛ 🟨🟨🟩⬛🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Mon, 00:27: Are we really entertaining the idea that a #TrumpIndictment is best avoided because it will anger people who are already furious about everything from guyliner to candy mascots getting new shoes? Just arrest that POS already!
Mon, 00:37: Joel: 'I will kill a bunch of people because they didn't give her the option of an informed choice.' ... Joel: *does not give her an option for an informed choice* #TheLastOfUs #TheLastOfUsfinale
Mon, 12:32: I have the whole week off to draft Book 3 of The Savior Trilogy. The President’s Son Saves the World will be out by the end of the year. So far, it’s hilarious and whimsical AF. https://t.co/CvV30ajp7A
Mon, 13:36: JS. https://t.co/I4ECOhR5Sz
Mon, 16:47: Honestly, is there any person in the entire world who doesn't think ol' Donnie got his giggity on with @StormyDaniels? She's obviously way too smart for him--but otherwise, she's exactly his type.
Mon, 16:56: Just sent in my interview for Authority magazine. I never know how to find the line between 'refreshingly candid' and 'ZOMG TMI make it stop!!'
Mon, 18:16: RT @judgeyourself99: Lock Donald J Trump up. #TrumpIsGuilty #LockHimUp #TrumpisaNationalDisgrace https://t.co/OSIaPg8OWM

Sat, 13:57: What’s the point of having time off work if I’m just flooded with anxiety about how important it is to use the time productively?
Sat, 16:55: What’s the most you’ve ever paid for a signed book? I’m not sure, but this is def the least I’ve paid for a book signed by the author. https://t.co/PIzA3XTYav
Sat, 17:38: RT @EdKrassen: The First Amendment to the Constitution is in danger. Why are Republicans trying so hard to take away free speech? - Drag…
Sun, 03:45: Wordle 631 3/6 🟨🟨⬛⬛⬛ 🟨🟩⬛⬛🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Fri, 19:42: Before I forget... https://t.co/aYs7IGnrgW
Fri, 19:44: RT @DennisDepew2: @TheAcademy Wouldn’t it be awesome if Harrison Ford presented the Oscar to Ke Huy Quan https://t.co/NKYutx9kMS
Sat, 04:57: Wordle 630 5/6 ⬛🟨⬛🟨⬛ ⬛🟨🟨🟨⬛ ⬛⬛🟩⬛🟨 ⬛🟨🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Sat, 06:17: I’m no stranger to self-delusion. I’m still pretending Don jr is a decent person inside and will eventually become so again. That doesn’t mean I can’t chuckle merrily at this: https://t.co/f8ITX7iSop

Thu, 13:13: My New Year’s resolution was to stop doing this. It’s March though… And even with shipping, it’s a third of the cover price. https://t.co/MA2NAnJtb5
Thu, 13:48: They: I love your hat! Me: Thanks! They: I need one. Where’d you get it? Me: At the Don jr store. They: Don jr…like the Trump? But you…but you’re not… Me: No, I just liked the hat. They: Okay, good. https://t.co/5rjvZtdhg0
Fri, 06:38: Wait, The Donald is still speaking to @seanhannity? But why? For a throwing-each-other-under-the-bus contest? https://t.co/HwSzvgd1BI
Fri, 06:43: Wordle 629 5/6 ⬛🟨⬛⬛⬛ 🟨⬛🟩🟩⬛ ⬛⬛🟩🟩🟩 ⬛🟩🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Fri, 06:46: Ha! It just happened again!! https://t.co/oPDJK2wOBM

Wed, 13:18: Holy shit… the inmates have taken over the asylum. https://t.co/EnteDBLzw7
Wed, 20:20: Got some reader #hate mail today that made me super bummed. So I went looking for some feel-better-facts. In 1991, a reporter mocked Robert Downey Jr’s ‘Chaplin Walk’ at a fashion show and said he’d “ruined his career and would never work again.” And yet… https://t.co/EjcutolT5O
Wed, 20:32: Hey, so… #Tennessee just passed a law that would make marriages like mine illegal. Don’t worry though, you can still hook up with your 13-year-old first cousin there—and marry them if’n their pa says it’s alright. 🤦🏻‍♀️
Thu, 00:23: Wordle 628 4/6 ⬛🟨⬛⬛⬛ 🟨⬛⬛🟨⬛ ⬛⬛⬛🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Thu, 00:30: Please do enjoy this sneaky peaky of this week's #Patreon story--which I hope will bring all the boys to the yard. Did you know you can get a new #horror #story every week for 5 measly dollars a month? https://t.co/E7LNTxBju5 https://t.co/y9GNVFNOHr
Thu, 09:11: RIP Topol. I forgive you for putting Flash Gordon in so much danger. https://t.co/zKnzbXCbD1

Wed, 07:56: Yahoo life included a quote from me in their piece on @JohnFetterman and mental illness stigma. They left out the part where I tell Don jr to STFU. https://t.co/ylc8vA88jG
Wed, 10:35: If you live in Tennessee or are a terrible person, please do not look at this delightful thing. #crossdressing #drag https://t.co/YIZaYZYj7P

Tue, 18:23: RT @ralesch: Just in case there is any question about who caused the train wreck in Ohio... #TrumpTrainWreck #TrumpIsGuilty #WorstPresiden…
Tue, 18:24: RT @gary_kline: @ProgressiveTex Cher was in a movie, "The Witches of Eastwick." She had a moment where she completely eviscerated a man to…
Wed, 04:26: Wordle 627 6/6 ⬛🟨⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛🟨🟨⬛ 🟨⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟩⬛⬛🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟨🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Wed, 04:55: Oh good. I’m wide awake before 5am and angry about the news. Clearly the beginning of a wonderful day! 🙄

Sun, 18:42: I guess the good people at @Vimeo should know that the only reason I'm not buying a subscription from them is that they only offer annual payment options on their site.
Sun, 18:56: When I hear something like #TrumpWasRightAboutEverything, I think "You're not fooling anyone, you know..." But the truth is, they're fooling a whole bunch of people. People are being hurt because in real-life, #TrumpWasWrongAboutEverything. That's why Biden got more votes!
Sun, 19:29: RT @itsJeffTiedrich: holy fucking shit, over SIX THOUSAND American children were killed by guns last year. but sure, let's lose our fucking…
Mon, 02:13: Wordle 625 5/6 🟩⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟩🟩🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩⬛🟩 🟩🟩🟩⬛🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Sun, 10:29: I’m not a blogger, but ⁦@RonDeSantisFL⁩ is a coward. Where do I register so I can continue calling Ron DeSantis a sniveling coward? https://t.co/iSkV2V2VvE
Sun, 11:57: Was trying to download a list of fact checks from #CPAC. But apparently the file was too big & my browser crashed twice. Hint: 70%+ of US kids have 2 parents, no one is doing sex change surgery on toddlers, Fetterman is awesome, and @RonDeSantisFL is a sniveling coward.… https://t.co/tGvcmSpwT5

Sat, 14:02: Me: Ah, Saturday. How nice to have a day to myself after such a difficult week. Email Inbox: LOL, no.
Sat, 18:35: Is @StarTrek a multiverse now? And, #PicardSpoilers alert: But did Jean-Luc really go around having unprotected #sex with his coworkers?!? Boooo. 😏
Sun, 01:02: Wordle 624 4/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟨⬛🟨⬛⬛ ⬛🟩🟨⬛🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Sun, 02:19: RT @krassenstein: BREAKING: 18,700 Self-described Christians have called for Representative Lauren Boebert to "resign and repent" for repor…

Thu, 19:52: Oh dear... https://t.co/QVx0LUrNm3
Fri, 02:19: Wordle 622 3/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟩🟨🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Fri, 04:36: Uh oh. #Riker is trending and I forgot to watch #Picard last night. Nobody tell me anything. *exits twitter with all haste*
Fri, 04:46: Pescatarian, Vegan, Omnivore, Vegetarian, I don't care. Eat what you like. But let's not pretend that #cows are majestic animals. They aren't. In fact, cows are so stupid they don't even know to stop walking when they poop--so they shit all over their own back legs. 🐄 JS
Fri, 06:24: The weatherman told me to expect 8 inches tonight, starting around 4pm. I'll believe it when I see it. Fool me once... #snow https://t.co/Cs4oOcN5DS
Fri, 08:56: I'd be lying if I didn't say that sometimes, I impress myself. This is a pretty dang good story, and it's avail to supporters at the 5tier.Yup−−onestoryeveryweekforjust5 tier. Yup--one story every week for just 5tier.Yup−−onestoryeveryweekforjust5 a month. How are people resisting this?!? https://t.co/ywVkq091N5
Fri, 14:32: I am crying with mirth. https://t.co/B0ZNV5qwBL

Thu, 01:51: Wordle 621 4/6 ⬛⬛🟨⬛⬛ ⬛🟨🟨🟨⬛ 🟩🟨🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Thu, 08:54: My MAGA Cousin: I feel bad for @ScottAdamsSays. He doesn’t deserve this… Me: It’s like you can’t even stoke a race war anymore without woke libs being all ‘You haven’t been funny for years’ and ‘You’re not as vital to the zeitgeist as you think you are.’ Poor little feller. 🙄
Thu, 09:02: How F’d is the @GOP when a guy who thinks 42% of his countrymen are lazy moochers is the standout humanist of the party? If Ser Mittington here thinks you’re out of touch—you really ought to listen to him. https://t.co/cR6S893MtX
Thu, 11:23: Last Night’s #TheMandalorian: They: Where’s that bigot chick from last season? Mando: Someplace else. *They & Mando nod* *world goes on* This, my friends, is The Way.

Tue, 13:23: Does anybody know how @RonDeSantisFL came to believe he was more popular, likeable, or important to the culture as @Disney? Because damn…is he ever wrong.
Tue, 13:30: They: I read your last book. How have you not been visited by @SecretService yet? Me: I find that being decidedly unfamous keeps most people from taking an interest. They: But, there’s an attempted assassination! Me: Please don’t say that in front of our phones. https://t.co/qoCy8gAPKJ
Tue, 15:12: RT @satanic_temple_: TST Health's Religious Abortion Ritual & services are available to all. New Mexico residency is not required. However,…
Tue, 16:25: Is there a protocol for @Zoom interviews when they won't tell you if you need to be camera-ready? I'm thinking lipstick and a hat but no pants. Does that sound right for a professional setting?
Tue, 16:44: RT @atrupar: "As a general matter I don't take Beijing's propaganda at face value" -- Absolutely amazing: Matt Gaetz tried to use literal C…
Tue, 18:35: I'm quoted here as an expert on all things #Phonesex. They made me sound super smart. Thanks, @fleurdumalnyc! https://t.co/F9Se9SDnH2
Wed, 00:05: Wordle 620 5/6 🟨⬛🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟨🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟩⬛🟨🟨 🟩🟩⬛🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

28 February 2023 @ 12:02 pm

Mon, 12:08: As someone who doesn’t travel, it’s easy to forget that #Michigan things don’t exist everywhere. I wish *I* could have seen the look on my face when a stranger from out-of-state asked “What’s a Vernor.” I…what? What does the rest of the country drink when they’re sick?
Mon, 12:21: Me: Idiots are making life worse for trans ppl for no good reason. My #MAGA Cousin: They’re mutilating children!!! Me: They’re not. No one is performing sex change surgeries on chi—wait, aren’t your sons circumcised? MMC: What does *that* have to do with anything? Me: 🙄
Mon, 13:48: I was saying recently that we humans need not fear #ArtificialIntelligence. But today I learned that these Chatbot thingys utilize forced rhyme. FORCED RHYME!!! We're through the looking glass here, people. https://t.co/nDw1H9Vu1v
Mon, 14:27: RT @davidhogg111: Talked with a Professor at Harvard Law yesterday about this. Can confirm. https://t.co/mYsZUMYrvq
Mon, 14:30: The word Mr Hogg forgot here is "absolute." The right to own a gun is not, nor should it ever be, absolute. https://t.co/2zrsBVrPN7
Tue, 01:10: Update: A whole 5 of you's decided to test me. Enjoy your Emails from Marjorie Traitor Greene, Jim Jordan, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, CPAC, and some bullshit Tukkker Carlson is up to among others. I warned y'all. I was very clear. https://t.co/P6A4Dc0Wqb
Tue, 01:52: Wordle 619 3/6 ⬛🟨⬛⬛⬛ 🟩🟨🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Tue, 08:20: RT @EdKrassen: For months Republicans claimed that Biden had received the Presidential debate questions in advance. As it turns out, Rupert…

27 February 2023 @ 12:00 pm

Sun, 14:21: If this really worked the way conservatives think, wouldn’t all our parents and grandparents be #gay already? #drag Worth noting that they’re all more traditionally feminine than @RepMTG and @laurenboebert combined. https://t.co/Lgm3ReMQTf
Sun, 18:16: New #Patreon piece is called "The Boy Who Burned Down the World." You can get a new short #horror thing from me every week starting at just $5 a month! Plus you'll be supporting #women in horror! #fiction #books #writersoftwitter #authors #writers https://t.co/YOUP1MueDo
Sun, 18:19: Wondering why your obviously hurting friend or family member refuses to get treatment for depression? Just take a peek at what the MAGA crowd is saying about #Fetterman. That's why.
Mon, 01:50: Wordle 618 3/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟨⬛ ⬛🟨🟨🟨🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

26 February 2023 @ 12:03 pm

Sun, 03:13: Wordle 617 4/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛🟩⬛🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

25 February 2023 @ 07:52 pm

Fri, 19:58: Honestly, I'm not sure any of us are ready for how shocked and horrified we'll all be if Mike Pence really does testify about 1/6. The thought of the Vice President of the United States telling secret service guys "I'm not getting in that car," is...terrifying.
Fri, 20:21: RT @EdKrassen: BREAKING: A Train derailed in Washington, killing 3 people, injuring 62, and causing $40 million in damage. Biden & Pete But…
Sat, 00:12: Wordle 616 5/6 ⬛⬛🟨⬛🟨 ⬛⬛🟨🟨⬛ 🟨🟩⬛⬛🟩 ⬛🟩⬛🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Sat, 12:36: Working M-F has given me a profound appreciation for weekends.
Sat, 16:57: I guess Scott Adams was so determined to prove cancel culture exists, that he’s made a complete ass of himself. Again. Now he’s blackballed. Now he has all the time in the world to ponder why he’s so ascared of Black folk. https://t.co/MwRV1IsoCa
Sat, 17:35: It’s #girlscoutcookie time. So here’s your annual reminder to take one sleeve of Thin Mints, Crumble them up and mix them in boxed brownie batter. Bake as normal. You’re welcome.
Sat, 18:50: Hey @hulu, I'm trying to cancel you so I can sign up through my @AppleTV account. But your site says I have to change my password--but it won't send me the code. It's kinda shady that you'd make it this difficult to cancel an account. JS

24 February 2023 @ 01:49 pm

Fri, 01:12: Wordle 615 4/6 ⬛🟩🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟩⬛⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟨🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Fri, 11:40: #CocaineBear Vs #WinnieThePoohBloodAndHoney This time, it’s not at all personal.
Fri, 12:11: My new Friday horror piece just went up at @Patreon. Can you even believe I’m offering a new short scary thing every week starting at just $5 a month? I KNOW, right? New piece drops today, titled: The Boy Who Burned Down the World. You’ll never guess who it’s about. https://t.co/dYmVu5mu1G
Fri, 13:32: Did you know that Kyra Schon, the girl from Night of the Living Dead, makes jewelry & sells it on Etsy? 🧟‍♀️🧟🧟‍♂️ It’s hella dope. That’s my logo my hubs made me for #horror stuff. I love that necklace. There’s only 1 in the world, plus it looks like there’s a curse on it. 🥰 https://t.co/CXpFJqu4kB

23 February 2023 @ 08:56 pm

Thu, 03:26: Wordle 614 3/6 ⬛🟩⬛⬛🟩 ⬛🟩⬛⬛🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Thu, 05:31: I swear, the next one of my liberal buddies who sends me the #CocaineBear trailer with a Don jr joke attached is getting signed up for @GOP eMail blasts: Eduardo Raphael Cruz, Nimrata Radhawa, whatever George Santos’ real name is…all of ‘em. Think I’m kidding? Try me.
Thu, 06:29: Website recently discovers that Ben Stein has been a conservative since the 80s. But honestly, what’s up with all these GOP dudes constantly complaining about food mascots not being f*ckable anymore? You were NEVER supposed to want that, fellas. https://t.co/6EBIdLd3Bo
Thu, 19:55: The @DoorDash driver as he realizes I’m not walking out to his car and he has to get out & put my poke bowl in my hands. Don’t worry, he got a nice tip and a nickelbag of Blue Dream. https://t.co/Tl5Alt97vM https://t.co/oFSOvRlqlU

22 February 2023 @ 08:26 pm

Wed, 09:12: Readers know that #EvilDead is one of my least favorite franchises in all of horror. I can’t help it. But since Bubba Ho Tep doesn’t have its own holiday, I like to acknowledge @GroovyBruce on Ash Wednesday anyway. You da man, Bruce! #Ashley

21 February 2023 @ 10:59 pm

Tue, 13:09: New gig at work began as hopelessly overwhelming. But it turns out that Media Coordinator is right in my skill set. Plus I’m doing like, two interviews a week now. I’ll be famous in no time. I bet it will suck!
Tue, 13:14: In case y’all don’t know, my first job out of college was for ACORN in Detroit. So…I’m delighted to wish a hardy Fuck You to James O’Keefe, whose own media company just booted him out on his lying ass. Good riddance to a sleazy grasping POS. https://t.co/5iSdErccu7
Tue, 14:44: Not sure the point of so much hatred for Melania Trump. She's had sex with the grossest, most abusive, most proudly unfaithful person I can think of. Surely she's been punished enough?
Tue, 20:14: So, @DonaldJTrumpJr has a magazine that's like #MAGA Field and Stream (& Guns & Guns & Guns!). Their new shirt is a guy jumping over a brick wall and apparently breaking into a country club to go fishing? A celebration of white dudes doing crime for fun, I guess. #WTF 🙄 https://t.co/HZ1tsJhCFH

20 February 2023 @ 12:23 pm

Sun, 12:31: I cannot remember the last time the #USA went a week without a mass shooting. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I live in a country where there are still throngs of morons who think COVID hasn’t actually made anyone die. #MAGA?
Sun, 13:08: My MAGA Cousin: If you hate guns so much, why are there bullet holes on the book cover? Me: You know I own a gun, & the #book has an assassination attempt in it. MMC: But your book glorifies guns; it should be banned! Me: You wanna ban books about guns but not actual guns? 🤯 https://t.co/4k78ywvW82
Sun, 13:22: Damn. RIP Richard Belzer. I loved you as the pimp enforcer in Night Shift. 😂🤣 #DetectiveMunch
Sun, 13:45: You know those rich jags plotting to steal your #SocialSecurity? This is what they want it for—to pass around to their already-rich buddies. https://t.co/rWoomBSgAb
Sun, 14:21: Daaaayum. Katie Porter pwning some GOP fools. Who was she glaring at? https://t.co/2UyFl8NSby
Sun, 16:59: You know what? Every election worker who was threatened with violence should get a fat cut of the money these monsters made slandering them and the government, and all of democracy. Oh, Sean Hannity and Tukkker Carlson in particular are welcome to fuck off into the sun. https://t.co/SbTdAegE5V https://t.co/wOttKYl5h7
Mon, 01:17: JFC, #TheLastOfUs What in the hell was THAT?!? #TheLastOfUsHBO #Heartbroken #Again
Mon, 01:43: Wordle 611 3/6 ⬛🟨⬛🟨🟨 🟩⬛🟨⬛🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Mon, 08:28: Reminder: @seanhannity deserves to be penniless & miserable. He & his ilk all got vaxxed while telling ignorant viewers not to. They used real meds when they got COVID & pretended otherwise to those gullible saps. He knew T lost the election & lied about that too—for years. 🖕🏻 https://t.co/fhNzId9KIO
Mon, 09:20: This Friday’s new horror thing is already scheduled—because I am adulting like a MF of late. https://t.co/YOUP1MueDo

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19 February 2023 @ 12:00 pm

Sun, 00:27: H: We gotta watch the Tetris trailer! Me: I’m sorry, the WHAT now? *watches* Me: Holy crap, they’re talking about Nyet. People look at me like I’m insane when I call it Nyet!
Sun, 01:35: Seriously, Wordle? Wordle 610 5/6 🟨⬛🟨⬛⬛ ⬛🟩⬛⬛🟨 ⬛🟩🟨⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩