Having an affair with a married man can be heartbreaking. Three women explain why they stay (original) (raw)

In popular culture, there are lots of ways of naming the "other woman" and none of them are particularly kind: temptress, home-wrecker, mistress, side girl.

In the cultural imagination, the "other woman" comes to lure men away from their partner and run a wrecking ball through the perfect family home. They embody the potential fragility of our closest and most important relationships.

But when the Ladies, We Need To Talk podcast reached out to several "other women" to hear their stories, it revealed a much more complicated reality.

Their accounts show that not every affair is black and white.

They often feel that what they are doing is wrong, but are conflicted because of their deep feelings of love for the committed partner, and their desire to be loved in return.

An affair based on 'deep-rooted love'

When Jess* met Richard* online seven years ago and they began dating, he told her that he was still living with his ex-partner.

Richard explained they had been separated for a year, and that he was looking for a way out of the relationship while they tried to co-parent their child.

He always had a reason for Jess as to why he had to stay at home with his ex.

For Jess, that was a red flag. Yet, despite her suspicions, Jess's heart was sending different messages. As her feelings grew, she convinced herself he was telling the truth.

"He was incredibly attracted to me, which made me feel beautiful and confident … it felt very freeing," she says.

When Richard told her a few months later that he was going to try and make things work with his ex-partner and that he wouldn't see Jess anymore, she was devastated. By that stage, Jess had fallen hard.

"I had trouble getting over him," she says. She didn't see Richard again for two years.

But when they started speaking again, Jess was "drawn right back in".

It's common for the 'other woman' to be deeply in love with their partner, even if it is a secret relationship. (Flickr: Boris SV)

This time she knew from the start that Richard was going home to another woman — the same woman he had previously assured her was his ex.

Then a year later, Jess discovered Richard was married to his partnerand that they had another child on the way.

"That was a big blow for me," she says.

For Jess, leaving Richard was "not an option". She had fallen deeply in love, albeit with someone already married.

So she chose to keep seeing Richard, knowing that her own dreams of children and a committed relationship wouldn't happen with him. They have been seeing each other in secret for more than sevenyears.

"He allows me to be fully me. I can tell him things that I would not normally say to my other half [in previous relationships]. He's like a best friend who you have great sex with. It's a feeling of being ultimately seen as a person.

"It's a deep-rooted love. It's totally unconditional. If he wasn't there, I would still love him."

Understanding why people have affairs

Elizabeth Nealis a psychologist who works with couples trying to sort through infidelity.

She says there are many reasons why people choose to be in these relationships.

Being the other woman can mean being the shiny, bright new thing in comparison to the ongoing partner – the one who is there day-to-day, the one who is nagging about picking up the socks or unpacking the dishwasher.

"Often these relationships begin with a promise that a married person will end the relationship because they're unhappy, and this new relationship bonds and strengthens and forms very much through the comparison between the two women," Dr Neal says.

"Their partner is painted to be this person that is unappealing.

"[It's] good for the ego [for the 'other woman'] but it gives the impression that there's an inevitable end or deterioration in the marriage … and a rosy end, a happy sunset moment on the other side."

Dr Neal says in the early stages of dating, the feeling of limerence – the all-consuming thoughts of the romantic partner – tends to come on hard and fast, and can make people make choices they otherwise might not.

The brain chemistry involved in terms of the increase of hormones and "the feel-good stuff like dopamine and serotonin" can be similar to what happens with some drugs, she says. And the sense of taboo and secrecy in an affair can sometimes heighten this limerence period.

"It feels really good to be pursued, to be wanted in a situation that is usually considered forbidden," Dr Neal says.

"So you can have a very intelligent, grounded person [who can] make choices that seem really inconsistent with logic and what we would usually ethically do, because of the impact and effect that this feeling has on us."

Dr Neal says the painful uncertainty of waiting to hear from a secret partner, followed by the exhilaration of reconnecting, is similar to what researchers call "partial reinforcement". She says it keeps the woman on the hook, "waiting for more."

And because the secret relationship never has to enter "commitment mode", with expectations or milestones, this can heighten the feelings of living in the moment together.

It's a bubble, according to Dr Neal, where promises are made that can't be kept.

"People say stuff that they don't mean … and say stuff that is far more generous or exaggerated [about their] intention than what is actually going on.

"And so it functions to [enable people to] enjoy the moment. But in the end, it might have just been a fantasy. "

From teenage lovers to secret partners

Joy* first met Harry*, the man she eventually had an affair with, when they were teenage lovers.

Many years later, when they were both married to other people and had kids, Harry sent Joy a Facebook message for her 50th birthday and they started chatting on the phone.

"We just talked and talked and we laughed and we cried," she says. "And all of this went on for months."

At this point, they were both unhappily married. For instance, Joy says her sexual relationship with her husband was "perfunctory."

"It was like, tap on the shoulder, rub on [my] boob, over and done in three or four minutes. There was no particular enjoyment for me. And by the time we got to the end of our marriage, if we had sex, I would usually go to sleep with tears running down my face, because it just felt like nothing. It felt like being used."

Harry suggested that they meet up for lunch. A goodbye kiss on that date turned into an intense physical and emotional connection in the weeks after.

"This was far and away the best sex I've ever had in my life. It was so comfortable and I felt heard. It was creative. It was caring. It was honest. It was fun. It was experimental. I don't think I'd ever had an orgasm in sex before him."

From then on, they were in constant contact, waiting for those precious moments until they could sneak away with each other.

"It just happened, and then it was impossible to not have [each other]," Joy says.

"It was blissfully happy for about three years. And then the real guilt started to kick in."

A few years after the affair began, Joy and her husband split up. She and Harry talked about a future together.

A greater desire for intimacy is one of the reasons why some women say they have affairs. (Flickr: Intertia NC)

"It could have been real. He talked about us getting married. He certainly talked about moving in together."

Harry talked the talk, but when it came to actually separating from his wife, he got cold feet. He said he was "scared about losing his children", according to Joy.

They saw each other for a decade in total. For a big chunk of that time, it was clear to Joy that he was never going to leave his wife and that they could never be open with their love for each other.

Joy says the burden of being the other woman, and keeping secrets, weighed her down.

"[The shame] feels like a big weight in the pit of my stomach. I just feel like I carry around this big darkness down there," she says.

"I hate being a dirty little secret. I hate lying to my family and my kids. It goes against every single value I hold dear."

After 10 years of being the other woman, Joy called it off. That was two years ago, but her heartache is still raw.

"The number of times I've driven my car bawling my eyes out," she says.

"And yet, still today, if I go out with anybody else I compare them to him. Nobody kisses like him. It doesn't feel the same. So that's led to a lot of short-term relationships, which is not much fun either."

Meeting the married 'love of my life'

Denise's* love story with Tom* didn't start in a fairytale way. They met about four years ago, and he was already married with kids.

At the time, Denise had been married for 17 years. But her marriage was coming to an end and Tom was there for her through the divorce.

"We just grew really close, and he would ask me about how I was feeling about the divorce and if I needed help with anything. He was always very friendly, very supportive, and we started to find things in common."

She left for a six-week overseas holiday and the two talked twice a day, every day. Then things began to heat up. She says she became "so brave and so sexy" in these moments. And when she arrived home and met up with him there was a lot of built up tension.

"I hugged him and I kissed him," Jess says.

"And it's probably the best kiss I ever had. It made me feel 16 again. It is the best sex I ever had. So powerful. I know it sounds stupid, but I feel like a part of me was missing and he completed it.

"When you're in a situation like this and you meet someone that you have such a strong connection with, it was like an out-of-body experience. I couldn't control it.

"But I was also thinking, oh my god, what am I going to do? I can't possibly be this person. In my previous relationship I was cheated on, and it felt devastating. So I was always very conscious [that] what I was doing was wrong."

Around two years into the affair, Tom's partner found out about Denise after seeing a message on his phone and he was kicked out of the family home.

"I feel terribly for her," she says. "No one deserves that. Especially because I know how that feels. It's a feeling of betrayal. It gets to your self-esteem and you never really recover from that."

Shame and grief can be felt by both people in the relationship after an affair. (Unsplash)

After the dust settled, Tom went back home. He told Denise it was to be with his kids until he could find his own place, and that they would be together once he did.

That is the situation today, and Denise is unsure whether to believe him.

And now that the secret's out, her guilt has only gotten worse.

"I know I don't deserve a happy ending for what we did," she says. "I didn't grow up as a little girl wishing I met a committed man. I wish we had our own story, our own children. But I just can't help that I fell in love with him."

Denise says she is in limbo, hoping for more.

"He's the love of my life. I know that's messed up and I know it's wrong, but that's how I feel. I risked everything for him. If we do get to be together, a lot of people are going to be against our relationship.

"And I'm very aware that I'm always going to be the mistress and the person that broke the family. That's something that I need to live with. So I just hope it was worth it. And if it wasn't, at least I know I gave him all my love."

*These names have been changed for privacy reasons.

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