“4 Rules for Taking a Mom Rage Break” (original) (raw)

Weeks into the new school year, as I rushed to get my kids ready and out the door, I lost my cool — again. My kids, shocked and shaken, watched as I threw down my bike and stormed into the house. Then I slid down the same familiar shame spiral.

“Why couldn’t I be the patient, loving Mom I wanted to be? Why did I have to lose it and yell? Why couldn’t I get my $#!t together to get my kids to school?” On and on my thoughts went. I was spiraling faster, but I needed to find a way out. As the only adult around, I still had to get my kids to school. I was not sure if I needed to scream and shout, hit a pillow, stuff my feelings, or take deep breaths.

With an ADHD brain that is easily dysregulated, morning meltdowns were once normal occurrences for me. Today, these moments seldom occur. That’s because, over time, I came up with strategies to support me in my toughest parenting moments — when my brain was flooded with emotion and overwhelm.

1. Recognize What’s Happening

It sounds unbelievable, but I wasn’t always aware that I was on the verge of losing it. I would only realize that I had been triggered after I exploded. Mornings were rough for me because of my children’s behaviors and the expectations I placed on myself. With my triggers identified, I also realized that nothing good will happen until I can get my brain back to a regulated state. Now, how do I do that?

2. Step Away

I physically distance myself, even if not by much, from stressful stimuli. (My kids are young, so I can’t step away too far. The bathroom is one go-to place.) It sounds easy in theory, but making the choice to create distance with a triggered brain that screams, “ACT NOW! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!” is not easy at all. But I remind myself that I do not want to be reactive, especially around my kids. Until I can do that, it’s in everyone’s best interest that I step away.

[Get This Free Download: Emotional Regulation & Anger Management Scripts]

3. Get Moving

Stepping away isn’t enough. I can say with confidence that being alone in the bathroom does not make me feel better. My body still courses with rage and adrenaline. My thoughts are negative and angry. My body feels under threat. In Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, authors Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, explain that in this state of fight or flight from a perceived threat, moving the body is necessary to complete the stress-response cycle and calm down.

So, I get moving. I push against a wall, do pushups and jumping jacks, or wring a towel. Instead of ruminating in angry thoughts toward my children, I channel my energy toward imagining myself pushing against a stress monster.

4. Counter Shame with Self-Compassion

I’m still not out of the woods once my adrenaline eases up. Shame often fills the space that anger once occupied. Thoughts like, “What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I handle getting my kids to school without losing it like a monster?” run through my mind. When the shame spiral takes hold it hurts not only me but my kids.

As Brené Brown writes in Daring Greatly, “Shame is the fear or not being worthy of connection and belonging.” In the shame spiral, I felt it best to keep distance between myself and my kids because my behavior was harming them. However, the therapist and mom parts of me knew that a distant, shut-down parent was just as harmful to them.

[Read: “The Myth of Perfect Parenting — How to Be Human Alongside Your Child”]

Self-compassion is my light in the dark. I remind myself that I am not a monster but a normal, struggling parent. I shift my thoughts from criticisms to self-compassion: “I am not alone. It’s normal to struggle as a parent. With or without ADHD, lots of parents struggle to remain calm and patient in stressful moments. There are probably other parents right this moment struggling to get their kids to school, too.”

With a moment of self-compassion, I can peel myself off the bathroom floor and return to my kids. On that school morning earlier this year, I apologized for my mini outburst and we went on with our day. With time and practice, I am now at a point where I’m able to regain my balance and calm somewhat quickly. As a bonus, my kids are really good at apologizing because I model it for them so frequently.

How to Regulate Emotions as a Parent: Next Steps

Michelle Puster, M.Ed., is a therapist, blogger, podcaster, mom of three, and founder of Compassionate Heart Mindful Life. Get Michelle’s Free Rage Break, a guided audio PAUSE for when you are about to lose it or have just lost it with your kiddo(s) and need a moment to regroup.

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