Q: “My Son’s Only Social Interactions Are On Screens!” (original) (raw)
Q: “My 16-year-old son socializes through gaming and refuses to make any effort to develop friendships in real life. When I bring up the subject, he flies off the handle. How can I help my struggling teen?”
Friendships seldom spark or endure easily for boys with ADHD, who may avoid or sabotage real-life friendships due to weak social executive functioning (SEF) skills related to cognitive flexibility and situational awareness. Social anxiety is also prevalent among some teens with ADHD, yet many are unable to articulate this difficulty, which can lead teen boys to retreat into online worlds and video games.
Improve your teen’s SEF skills by helping them to:
- Put in the work. Sports teammates or kids from youth groups may not become closer friends because boys with ADHD don’t know how to put in the required effort. Teens with ADHD enjoy being with other kids, but when they’re not near them, they’re not thinking about them because the ADHD brain tends to live in the moment. Out of sight means out of mind. Parents can help by coaching their sons to actively show peers they’re interested in hanging out through texts, direct messages, calls, or in-person invitations.
- Adopt a new perspective. Calmly discuss how peers may interpret your teen’s behavior. You might say: “It was good that you invited Sam to the beach. Even though he couldn’t go, it showed him that you wanted to spend time with him, which probably made him feel good.” Many boys fear rejection. It’s important to help your teen understand that everyone experiences rejection — maybe an invitation was declined, or friendly outreach efforts weren’t reciprocated. The more practice your teen gets with reaching out to peers, the easier this will get.
- Read the room. Before teens venture into unstructured social situations, strengthen their situational awareness by helping them anticipate the behaviors expected of them. That might sound like: “When you get to the party, kids may already be playing games you enjoy. You can join them, or you can see if there are any other kids you like. If so, go talk with them.”
[Could My Child Have Social Anxiety? Take This Self-Test]
Social Anxiety in Teens
Social anxiety is common among teen boys. Easing their discomfort around social situations will help them move away from screens and build offline friendships. Here are some approaches to try.
- Normalize nervousness. Social anxiety is often overlooked in teen boys, and consequently, many believe they’re alone in their experience. Let them know it’s common to feel temporary discomfort in new social situations. Explain that this anxiety tends to build, peak, and recede.
- Challenge irrational thoughts. Social anxiety is based on irrational thinking, such as catastrophic thinking, a tendency to discount the positive, or assuming that others believe the worst about you. Challenge your child’s negative thought patterns by asking, “What evidence do you have that _____ will think it’s weird if you invite him over? Maybe he’ll be happy you asked him because he was nervous about asking you.”
- Don’t enable anxiety. Many well-meaning parents accommodate their teen’s social worries to avoid temporary distress. But rescuing a teen from short-term anxiety tends to heighten it in the long term. Support your teen by exposing them to gradual steps toward socializing. Ultimately, they must be exposed to situations they interact in person. Have them text a classmate with a homework question. Eventually, have your teen invite the classroom over to study.
Social Anxiety in Teens with ADHD: Next Steps
- Free Guide: Help Your Child Make Friends
- Download: Social Anxiety Facts and Falsehoods
- Read: The Social Executive Function Skills That Elude Kids with ADHD
- Read: Building (Real) Friendships in the Age of Snapchat and Instagram
- Watch:“The Social Reboot: Helping Tween and Teen Boys with ADHD Make Friends”
Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and father to a son with ADHD and learning differences. He creates content for the ADHD Dude YouTube channel.
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