Are You in a One-Sided Relationship? Here Are 7 Warning Signs, According to Experts (original) (raw)

Do you often feel like you're significantly contributing more to your relationship than your partner? Do your goals and dreams always take a back seat to your partner's desires? Are your priorities different from your partner's? Or, are you simply struggling with getting your partner to spend more time with you? If you responded "yes" to these questions, then you may be in a one-sided relationship.

According to Kelly Campbell, Ph.D., a one-sided relationship is one in which the power is imbalanced and one person is "putting in a lot [more] in terms of resources (time, money, emotional investment) [than the other] and getting little to nothing in return." She continues, "Sometimes one person 'carries' the relationship for a period of time, such as when a partner is ill or things aren't going well. But, in order for a relationship to be healthy and satisfying, it takes effort from both people. One person can't carry the burden over an extended period."

To further explain the murky waters of this type of partnership, we asked Campbell and Wale Okerayi LMHC LPC for their trusted advice and intel on the psychology behind a one-sided relationship. Keep reading for everything you need to know, including how to tell you're in this type of relationship, how to move forward once you've identified your relationship is one-sided, and how to move on if your partner won't change.

Meet the Expert

Signs You're in a One-Sided Relationship

If you suspect you're in a one-sided relationship, the experts provide several signs to look out for, which we highlight below.

You're putting in more effort than your partner.

According to Campbell, one indication that you're in a one-sided relationship is simply feeling that the union is inequitable or unequal. In other words, you're the only one who consistently makes plans, pays for dates, and puts in an effort to keep your relationship going. If this is the case, Campbell suggests documenting how much time you and your partner spend together, in addition to who does what. "This will help the under-benefitted person identify how things are going and better understand the extent of the one-sidedness," she explains.

You and your partner have completely different priorities.

"Maybe all of your money and free time goes toward the relationship, whereas [your] partner's [money] goes toward other things, such as buying clothes, paying for a gym membership, and spending time out with friends," shares Campbell. While it is completely okay for individuals to spend time without their partners—having hobbies and friends outside of the relationship is healthy—both partners need to prioritize each other over anything else for the union to succeed.

You are always to blame during a disagreement.

No relationship is perfect, and there will be times when you and your partner disagree about something. While this is a normal occurrence in every type of union, if your significant other always blames you during these disagreements, and you end up being the only one who apologizes, this is an indicator that your relationship might be one-sided, shares Okerayi. "Your partner struggles with accountability and always blames you for something. So in order to have peace, you end up apologizing while not feeling heard or validated in your experience," she adds.

You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior.

Do you find yourself making excuses all the time for your partner's behavior? If yes, that's a sign you are compromising and sacrificing too much. "If you have a date night planned and the person is very late or makes other plans, they clearly don't value you or the relationship as much as you do," Campbell says. No one should consistently make excuses for their partner's poor behavior, as accountability is key within a healthy union.

Your partner is controlling.

A controlling partner is a sign that the power is imbalanced and the relationship needs to change. "Insecure partners try to control the other by limiting their contact with family and friends, dictating what they should wear, how they should act, etc.," Campbell explains. "This is something that typically happens gradually over time, little by little. It's a very dangerous situation and a big sign that things need to change."

You feel insecure about your relationship.

One major red flag you're in a one-sided relationship, according to Okerayi, is that you feel insecure in your union. You may always question your partner's like or love towards you, or may simply feel like your partner doesn't care about you, she explains. If this resonates, it's time to have a conversation about your relationship and ask your significant other where they see your partnership going.

Your goals and dreams are always second to your partners.

Are you the one who always has to make sacrifices for the relationship? Do you feel a lack of support when it comes to your dreams and aspirations when you fully support your partner's desires? If yes, this is a sign that you need to change the dynamic of your relationship as it is one-sided, explains Okerayi.

How to Move Forward in a One-sided Relationship

If you feel that you're in an imbalanced relationship, Campbell suggests documenting your time and making a concrete list of observations. If after making these observations, you feel that things are one-sided, you need to communicate your feelings with your partner who otherwise won't know that a problem exists. However, it's important to note that initiating change can be the hardest part of navigating a one-sided relationship, but pushing past your discomfort is needed to shift the dynamic. "The problem with one-sided relationships is that often it is just one partner initiating these 'talks' because being in, what we call, an over-benefitted situation (getting more out of a relationship than you are putting in) can be quite comfortable," Campbell explains. "So your partner may not respond favorably to the complaint."

In fact, "researchers call this pattern 'demand-withdrawal,' which involves one partner initiating a discussion or requesting a change and the other withdrawing from the conversation and avoiding discussion," she elaborates. It's a very unhealthy and common pattern in one-sided relationships. "If the over-benefitted cares about the other's well-being, they will seek to improve the balance and take on more of the work or put in more effort," says Campbell.

How to Move On from a One-Sided Relationship

Ending a relationship is never easy, but staying in a relationship that isn't right for you is more detrimental and harmful to your well-being. So, if you've tried everything to balance out your union and your partner doesn't change, "the partnership might not be a good fit and the under-benefitted person should consider moving on," says Campbell.

As with any breakup, moving on requires accepting your feelings (whether anger, sadness, and/or insecurity) and acknowledging that it's okay to feel that way. Allow yourself to process your emotions and take some time to mourn the loss of a relationship that played a large role in your life. It's also helpful to keep active and busy by picking up a new hobby, hanging out with friends and family, and indulging in weekly acts of self-care. You should also consider speaking with a therapist to receive support and professional guidance to move forward in a positive direction. Lastly, give yourself time and grace to move on. Healing doesn't happen overnight, so be kind to yourself as you go through this process.