When Will it Get Easier? by Hari-Kuran on DeviantArt (original) (raw)
Vent piece and kind of a dive into my journey through grieving. Buckle up for a long message attached to this piece.
It has been 8 years since my ex has passed away, and I am still stuck where I was when I found out, with some differences of course. I will not deny that I didn't still love him, but we were not together when he passed. I have had a ton of emotions about the whole situation that I was hoping by now would be sorted out, but it's still a disaster.
1. Anger- I am angry that I know he died. I didn't want to know, when we broke up I wanted it to end for us at that, and unfortuantely his family thought otherwise. I personally feel that I would have been better off never knowing WHEN he would die. I am also angry with his family because he could have lived longer if they had moved. While dating him, I gave up a good amount of my life. I watched as his family used him for the SSI money he was getting and the attention seeking. I appreciate they wanted to spread awareness, but I feel some of the ways were not the best... And going back to not helping, they should have moved but refused for reasons I cant even remember. (Something stupid though) His mom did as much as she possibly could to get any sort of attention from this, creating a facebook page, handing out bracelets at the local store, and even getting him on an episode of a show (which pissed me off after watching that.) This episode, when I watched it, roughly 3 years ago, I was angry at the amount of lies and lack of actual truth behind his whole experience with this disease. The biggest stab at me was hearing him at the end of the episode say that only his mom and sister was there for him. Not once was it mentioned he had a partner through most of this, no, I didn't want to be thrown in by name, but they completely erased me from all of it when I was one of the people on the front lines of it with them. On top of everything that happened in the past, that episode destroyed the me that I was healing. Was the life I gave up for 3 years really meaningless? I am also angry that my closure on my time with his was reopened when I was told he was dead. We ended our relationship in a nasty way, we both said terrible things to one another, but it was done. Then a year later getting the news opened it all back up and made me feel a lot.
2. Guilt- I cannot express how much guilt I still feel to this day that I didn't stick around that extra year, and more guilt in knowing that I was better off not doing so. I know leaving when I did was the best for me, if I stayed I am not sure I will still be around today. I feel so guilty that I couldn't save him, I realized that there was no cure and that it was too late by the time of his diagnosis, but I wish I was able to get him out of his living situation to at least prolong his death. I also feel some guilt over what happened when we broke up, and I wish we ended on different terms. Most of the nasty words were from him, but I know I definitely said some hurtful things too. I feel guilty for feeling so angry about this whole situation, but I know my feelings (all of them) are justified.
3. Sadness- I am sad he's gone. I really wanted him to live a good life after our relationship ended, and hearing that he left so soon destroyed me. I still love him, and when we were together I really thought we would be together for a long time, that's what I was fighting for. I was and still am sad to see that he gave up on living when we were together, I tried so hard to show him that there were things he could still do, that WE could still do. I know that he did one of them after we broke up, and I was a bit happy to see that, and a little irritated he didn't do it sooner.
4. Happy- This is a weird one for me, but most of my happiness is selfish. I am happy that I left when I did, for the sake of myself. I feel disgusting saying that, but also relieved that I can tell myself that it was what was best for me. I also want to say I am happy he isn't suffering anymore, because I know he was in so much pain.
There is a lot more in the deeper meanings to all of this, but this is just the surface of how I feel on this situation, and to help myself heal I wanted to release it out into the world. I want this to get easier for me, I am tired to feeling this way every October. I know my feelings will never go away, I just want to not feel so down about it like I do now.
If you are still around after all that, thank you for reading.