Failed Desperation by paintausea on DeviantArt (original) (raw)

paintausea on DeviantArthttps://www.deviantart.com/paintausea/art/Failed-Desperation-801591151paintausea

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Published: Jun 13, 2019

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the comment I said I deleted was one I did about that art yesterday......I willl return to work next week...on monday....I know I should not complain about it....but I am so exhausted and numb.....talking about that drawing I have no intention to """try"" say something """good""" to make you """feel better""" posting something in that art/emotion you shared...that one like others arts/emotions is something I am weak to try saying something about you....but in days I am feeling bad that kind of art made me feel understood...but of course I am not saying I am connected with your pain...I just see something that make me relate with my own pain....like a form for something that make me suffer and in my worst moments just blind my mind....like blank my head....but blank it after fill all with darkness if even could make any sense...and don't make....sorry for that....I am not feeling ok...and I don't wanted post a negative post in that art you did yesterday....even if I know I always have that depression way to write...I need my job due the money and to fill my mind....but just to remember I will work make me feel something strange.....I feel without purpose.......and when I feel anxiety and that empty deep inside about life....I always end crying without notice remembering how much I miss her and deep inside how much I was wishing we could be together in the end...me and her...even if she get married...deep inside I always have a stupid """"""""hope""""""" more like an illusion to be with her in the end...looks stupid but so important for me...even if I never did something for that happens.....I just feel so broken....and even when I talk (more like write) about it....abourt her...that art you did with all that dark consuming everything.....always when I ""see"" without my drakness covering my eyes....I suffer much more....cause even saying I had choosed....I never wanted live without any hope to be with her.....she never hurt me....and she made me feel so good....a feeling of purity...something that make lifes have a real purpose...but think she get married and all physical contact involved with the fact she get married....hurt me so much...I am not judging her inside my mind....hurt me not be a real man and never was able to provide to her a health life...I know I am childish...but I hold myself so much avoiding kiss her when I was young...I just kissed her when I was really young....I needed that tiny hope to be with her someday...even if knowing that day would never come....even without be with her........I really wanted be a normal guy to be able have allowed me to be with her in the past.........I love her so much....but so much happened with me....and I am dumb too..weak...childish...but when I was younger a woman from my family forced an adult kiss with me....even if looks childish of me be impacted by that.....it screw up my mind....to be forced by a woman from my family and with my mother close to me without do anything....facing it like was a joke...maybe for be a boy.....and society think could be cool it....I don't know.....it made me feel dirty.....weak....I always was small and weak.....that woman from my family was drunk ....and the ""kiss"" was like a vomit....she had a piece of chocolate cake inside her mouth mixed with alcohol.....I remember I used to cry easy when I was a kid....but my mind was blank and I was without reaction for a while in that day......and I had struggle to stop that....but she hold me with so much strong that I was not able to do anything with my little body againts her....and others things in life....others family issues...losts in life....made me feel broken so much.....and the one I love so much was not broken like me.......I don't cry in front of people.....and looks rare for me to cry even when I am alone....I feel like that dark in that art....I feel a feeling that become a part of me and that was created in events during my life when my brain was not able to absorb what was happening....and the tears was not dropping.......being more and more consumed by that darkness of feelings...becoming something distant from all people and in the same way being protected by that darkness that hurt me in the same way...mixed with a childish wish to be a good ""man"".....I had created a real circle of pain for myself......today I woke up after dream I was in the same house of her......but I was avoiding talk with her and in the end of the dream she walked with her husband...I started to cry without notice.....but not for so long....I wake up with a big pain in my chest...that happens a lot.....I already told about it for others....not in real....wrote on the internet....but it just made others feel worst.......I feel you avoid people too.....that moved me a lot....cause I avoided the person I must love in life....that hurt a lot....and the years just make me suffer much more......deep inside I regret a lot be myself...be who I am.....if I had the chance to go back in the past I would do the same....cause the man I am now is exactly what made me feel I could not be with her in the past.....but the feeling I feel won't change.....and thinking even having the chance I would do the same....make me feel worst.....cause avoid me be with her even when I am dreaming....I am not saying it to make you feel bad....but I just would like to say I am sick....and all time that I won't post comments in your arts....never think I forget you....I respect your art and you a lot.....and even in silence I promisse to keep following your arts....sorry for always keep reclude myself almost a year before reply/fav/post comments again....sorry for post more depressive things than positive thoughts for you...yoru atrs and emotions...and thank you for always be so polite and kind...I admire you a lot for that....