setatsdelgnat User Profile | DeviantArt (original) (raw)
- June 1
- United States
- Deviant for 2 years
My Bio
[To all of you who care so much for me -- thank you.
you give me hope.
you mean more to me than i know how to express.
to all others, please understand.
first and foremost i am creating art.
all you read is real.
oh, yes, images and words.
my terrors.
real.
not drama.
but art first
not seeking a relationship here.
not selling art.
holding on.
don't hope for me.
i hope for me.
i don't want to lose hope.
04/07/2024 -- Setats]
Tomorrow Wendy is going to die.
How many really understand the meaning of this?
I can say I do, but maybe I don't. I know something, but maybe not that.
Hey, hey, goodbye. Tomorrow Wendy is going to die.
Sometimes i want to die. I don’t know why. That’s tonight. But i won’t. Because i love life.
I am the girl you know who cannot look you in the eyes. but… I don’t lie and lie and lie ~~ It’s barely August, but it’s so far from January. ~~ There are three I must mention, because somehow, for me at least, there is a connection. ~~ Maybe I cannot count. ~< Jesse (you know who you are), jdbhm, Anrizza, and nothoneybee. i can count. that’s four. if I misspell your names, forgive me. ~~ My therapist. am I better? Yes. No. ~~ my therapist asked me about “self love.” I said things. do you know what self love is? I don’t. ~~ please understand, I am at once the smartest and dumbest person you will ever know. ~~ the hard things are easy, and the easy things are hard. this is unsatisfying, even for me. can we continue tomorrow? it’s late where i exist. ~~ Besitos. Setats ~~ if I may. I need who I am to be ok. by which I mean,i am not grotesque, that i am not gross. but i feel grotesque and gross. Who made me? animals.
I wish the App was better. I cannot edit much from my iPhone. Such as my profile, journal posts… I will edit my profile when I sit down with my laptop. But I can say here what I will say there. First, please take no offense, but I do not seek a “relationship” here. That would be inconsistent with being seen and unknown. Second, My journal posts are real. Not made up. Not my imagination. I wish what I’ve shared was made up. What I share is hard work for me. It’s me holding on. They are glimpses of the horror of parts of my life. Part of the horror is that I don’t remember an entire year. I remember fragments. It’s not amnesia. It is trauma. I remember the traumatic triggering events. And then missing time. I likely would not be thinking of the horrors, but in recent years I had triggering events. The results is the me you see and read about. The results of recent dissociative events. Not good. Third, I’ve learned over years that the trauma of my youth is too common. That is horrific. If you reached out and said… I get it. I know it. I experienced it. I am sorry you did too. Fourth, What is not common is the rest of my story. How I got beyond my terror. If you look at the image of me at 15, and that is it. I have no photos from 8-15. Seriously, is that normal? Ok, there are yearbook photos. I had ran away from home already. I never went back. I showed the image to my therapist. She asked me what I see when I look at that photo. I was trying to get out of the death I was born into. Within the next twelve months, I went into a mental institution. My choice. I needed to clear my head and think. And I did. When they said do A, or leave, I said sign me out. They were mean people. Horrible people. But I digress. Once out, it took a few months, but I left everyone behind. By the time I was 18 I knew I would study physics, get a PhD in physics, and do physics. That’s me. No man or woman could stop me. That, is the remarkable story of me. All of it. The trauma, and my response. The decision to rise above. I know of no one with a similar story. The abuse, by monsters and family. The monsters in my family. I left it all behind. And then. A triggering event. Three or four of them. That’s the hard part. I forget the details. Dissociation. Trauma. I can’t leave it all behind now. I must find a different solution. But please know, I am ok. Not suicidal. Not depressed. Holding on to this moment. Setats.
Profile Comments 746
She was a beauty. When I was a teenager she used to turn up at In Tua Nua and Waterboys gigs to sing duets and backing vocals with them. A little older than me which just made her even more irresistible