AGS - Chapter 81: Growing, Changing, Learning by SilasAgnostos on DeviantArt (original) (raw)

I looked from Saffron over to Daniel. Daniel just looked back to me, his expression similar to my own. I looked once more to Saffron, her hands up by her chin and ears fallen back as her gaze stayed with mine.

"I-If he's...going to come here every morning, maybe if he can't recognize me--"

I tilted my head, my own mental gears turning as my eyes turned to the floor in thought.

"I just...I j-just don't want to cause anything bad."

"...Why a boy?" I finally asked, Daniel lifting himself up and off the bed behind me.

"Um...from what can I remember I was the only one my age, s-so maybe if...maybe if they think I'm a boy he'd think I'm someone else?" she offered, nervously scratching her cheek. "I-It's stupid, I'm sorry."

"No, that's...not really bad logic, Saffron," I said. "Is this something you really want?"

"...Not really, but...it's something I'm willing to do for you," she responded.

My ears dipped and I could feel the corner of my mouth stress my frown. Daniel looked to me, puzzled, but seemingly more about the proposed remedy to the situation than the situation itself. That much he knew already.

Perhaps I was more emotional about this than most others might be, growing up how I did and with the circumstances I had, but there was something more than a little nauseating about forcing anyone to grow up into a role they didn't want. This was especially the case given her age as the last thing I'd ever want to do is rob a child of their childhood. That was something I'd lived and I don't think I could wish such a thing on even my worst enemies.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything like that," I quietly said, my eyes quickly darting to look down the hall. "I understand and appreciate your concern, but I don't feel right changing another's life in such a fundamental way."

She looked to the floor.

"This is...something I was already planning to do myself if I ever made it out of there," she whispered. "At least until I could get far enough away. I knew that wasn't going to happen anytime soon, especially if I found myself some kind of home."

She had already been forced to grow beyond her age if these were her considerations. Such a thought hit me in a way I couldn't quite describe aside from feeling like a hole in my gut.

It was just all too familiar.

"Honestly..." she trailed off before looking back up to me, "...I'm mostly bothered about needing to cut my hair. I-I like it long like this."

Through her worried gaze peered a little nervous smile. She did seem to prefer more unisex, even tomboyish clothing so maybe that much wasn't really a concern, but I could understand the loss of hair being less than pleasant. When hers was nice and clean and brushed through it was quite pretty-- a rich black with a pleasant copper shine.

"Well...plenty of boys have long hair, too, y'know," Daniel suggested. "Just look at Riv. He pretty much only gets a haircut for the split ends, otherwise he likes it kept long. Says it reminds 'im of his mom."

"I know, but...I think it'd be more convincing if I cut my hair," she replied.

I think, personally, that had I ever tried to grow out my hair I'd probably get mistaken for a woman more often than I already was. It's just one of those things people assume, as unpleasant as it might be, that women have long hair and men have short hair.

"...I agree with the sentiment as much as I wish I didn't," I admitted, looking back to Daniel. "I think it's just one of those societal norms, and since children tend to look pretty similar until the onset of puberty it may help solidify the message."

Maybe such a statement coming from me swayed him, his response being little more than a sigh and a nod.

"Alright, I understand," he conceded. "Will the clothes we got work for you? If not, give us just a day or two and we'll get you something a little different."

"N-No, the clothes are fine, thank you," she stuttered and shook. "B...But, um, th-there is one other issue..."

Both Daniel and I cocked our heads, unsure what she might be referencing. She crossed her arms over her chest and held them there tightly, looking away from both of us with her long ears flattened. While I had no idea what this might be about, Daniel seemed to get a clue from how she stood.

"...Ah, that," he quietly said. "I'll see what we can do."

"I-I don't--" I started to say.

"I'll tell ya after we get the rest of this sorted out, Reverend," he said, still keeping his voice low and looking to Saffron. "For now, let's focus on the haircut, okay?"

"O...kay?" I relented.

I invited Saffron into our bedroom as Daniel departed. Saffron seemed quite taken by our bedroom, both the size and the collection of books on the shelf just across from the door. As I walked over to my desk to retrieve my chair her attention was snared by the bookshelf, her running her fingertips down the spines of several members of the collection.

"You like books?" I asked with a little smile as I picked up the chair.

"...Mhm," she uttered from her distance. "I-I like learning things. When I grow up, I...I want to be a teacher of some kind, maybe."

"You have taken very well to your schooling so far, and in such a short amount of time," I proudly, but softly reassured. "Both Daniel and I are very impressed and we think you'll go far."

She turned to me, maybe not used to compliments, and gave me a timid but appreciative smile. I carried my small chair from behind the desk around to the front, facing the rest of the room.

"If you'd like me to, I could brush your hair quick before the cut," I offered, walking over to my dresser. "It'll be done either way, but it would give the hairdresser a bit of an easier time to start."

Saffron nodded and began walking over to the chair, but I caught her up in a hug before she could pass me. At first she seemed surprised, but quickly melted into my gesture.

"I'm so sorry you feel this is something you have to do, Saffron," I whispered, rubbing my snout atop her head. "I never wanted you or any of my other children to feel you have to change anything just to be here."

"I'm okay, Father," she softly laughed from below. "It's just hair. Even though I'm not really happy about cutting it, it grows back after a while."

"I know," I sighed. "Just...take it from me, that the last thing I'd ever want is to make another person feel they had to live or fulfill a role they didn't want."

"What do you mean?"

"...I'll tell you when you're older," I said, hearing footsteps in the hallway. "Let's get your hair brushed out for now, okay?"

I let her go, her doing the same before heading over to the chair and taking her seat. Retrieving my brush and comb I retreated back to the desk, setting the comb aside for now. While I had both items I preferred the comb for myself, so the brush was barely used. I took the brush to her dark, pretty hair and gently pulled through the day's tangles. Any snarl or knot was met with my fingers. Before long her hair was nice and tamed, ready for further work, and by now Daniel had returned with Sura in tow.

"Saffron wants a haircut?" Sura asked, Riv showing up just behind her with a broom and dustpan.

"Yes, if you would so kindly," I said, motioning to Riv to close the door.

"Of course," she said with a little smile, carrying her wares with her to the desk.

Daniel stepped forward to place a makeshift haircutting cape gown on Saffron's front, Sura tying the top two corners carefully behind the little client's neck. Behind her she laid a cloth with a small pair of scissors and a mop-like brush upon the edge of the desk.

Daniel and I took a step back to allow Sura some space to work and Saffron some to converse and ask for or provide input while she held up a mirror. The larger man wrapped an arm around my back to hold me against his side, likely feeling some emanation of my nervousness but not wanting to ask any questions with an audience. While Sura worked Riv kept on top of sweeping up the fallen hair trimmings up and into the dustpan. It was strangely comforting seeing three children from such different backgrounds working together and without any indication of a second thought.

I wondered if their parents would be proud of how far they've come and the people they were becoming.

After about ten minutes of brushing, cutting, and questions Saffron's hair was finally short enough for the desired intention. It wasn't so short that it couldn't be styled in some way, which she seemed quite happy about for what it was.

"How is it?" Sura asked, pulling her hands from the black hair before her.

"I-I like it," Saffron answered, a little smile creasing her lips as she looked in the mirror.

"I'm glad to hear it," Sura said, placing her wares back on the desk. "Now, if you like this length I'll need to trim your hair about once every six weeks, okay? I do the same with everyone else's hair, too, so it was probably going to happen eventually."

Saffron allowed us a little giggle as she put down the mirror and looked to Daniel and I.

"H-How is it?" she asked us from the chair.

"I think it looks very nice," I said with a little smile of my own.

Daniel nodded beside me while wearing a warm, tender smile.

Even Riv offered his own smile and nod of reassurance as he swept up the remainder of the trimmings from the bedroom floor. Such a simple thing seemed to almost overwhelm the little girl, her eyes growing glossy as she stood up once more. We all stepped forward to offer a hug before the other two children waved and departed to carry about the rest of their evening. After they left the room I closed the door and walked back to move my chair behind my desk once more.

"Alright, uh, so that one other thing," Daniel said, jogging my memory once I placed the chair back down.

"Yes?" I called.

"Uh..." he trailed off, beckoning me to come closer.

I guess whatever this was, it wasn't something that needed to be announced. Saffron looked awkwardly over to her side, holding her arms once again across her front. Regardless, I did as requested and came to the other side of the room. The nurse waved his hand over toward the bed, silently suggesting we sit down for whatever needed to be shared. Piqued, I followed the suggestion and stayed silent as he brought his hand up to his chin to mull over what to say.

"Um, so, we got a bit of an early bloomer here," he said, looking back once to the door to ensure it was closed.

"Pardon?" I asked.

"...Her, uh, chest, Reverend," he awkwardly responded, scratching the back of his head.

"...Oh!" I exclaimed, my ears perking and face turning red.

Somehow these things hadn't crossed my mind, not even with Sura, and Sura was two or three years older than Saffron who was only about ten. So early?

"Um...i-is this...normal?" I clumsily asked, a hand tugging at a lock of my hair. "I-I'm sorry if this is a stupid question."

"No, no, you're fine," he said, waving his hand. "Admittedly, like I said, this is pretty early for that kind of development. Girls tend to go through this kind of thing before boys, but usually it doesn't start until around the age of twelve. Even so, starting at this age isn't unheard of, nor is it necessarily abnormal. You could say it's the early side of normal."

"...'This kind of thing'?" I dared to ask.

"...Uh...puberty," he said.

I felt stupid for my questions, but this was...all very new to me, my having not paid much attention to the development of my peers. For whatever reason, though I'd hear others mention it in passing, it was never something that caught my interest and I didn't understand why so many had been so enamored with it. I, myself, never seemed to undergo any kind of development despite my age aside from a little height and extremity growth.

"W-Well, it's at least a relief that it's normal," I added, trying to break the awkwardness. "I assume that this is a bit of a bump in the road for the disguise, then?"

"Yeah, and if it's already starting it's not gonna end anytime soon," he continued. "Actually a little surprised Sura's not come to us about this yet, but it might be because it's...a little embarrassing to bring up, as you might have suspected. She's older, too, but since I dunno her background I can only go by what I see and what she says."

"...Alright, I understand...I think," I quietly said, looking down to the floor and tugging on my hair.

Though I was forty years old a lot of this somehow just never occurred to me, nor did I really know how to approach this. Fortunately Daniel seemed to know, so I would follow his lead as much as the children in question.

"So, for this matter, I'll need to go shopping prob'ly tomorrow for a couple things-- a few brassieres for both girls and a binding garment for Saffron," he listed on his fingers. "Not sure how easily I'll find the latter but the former should be easy enough. Even if they need some tailoring, Sura's pretty good at that and I'm sure she'd like somethin' to do."

My face was still red through all of this and I found it difficult to keep eye contact with either person.

"That said, and this is for you, Saffron: Please don't wear the binder for longer than a few hours at a time, 'specially since you're still developing," he said severely. "At your stage of growth it can make development more sore than it already is, and if it doesn't fit properly it's imperative ya tell me as soon as possible. This is one such thing ya can't just deal with being a little too small, else it can cause actual damage, okay?"

"...Okay," she said from beside me.

"Now I'm not tryin' to scare ya, but from my field I can't stress enough how important these things are," he said, reaching out and placing his hand upon her head. "I know it's not the greatest thing needing to tell anyone about these developments, either, but we'll do our best to help y'all through what's to come."

Saffron shallowly nodded, Daniel petting through her shortened hair.

"Good," he said, standing up and offering us both a hand. "It's gettin' late so we'll see you to bed. I'll prob'ly get up early so I can get to the shops as they open and get the errands taken care of sooner rather than later. I'm not likely to get what ya need before Morissey arrives, so are you fine hidin' out in the hall or somesuch one more morning?"

"I-Is there anything I can use in the meantime?" Saffron asked. "Something like...bandage?"

Daniel's eyes widened and he briskly shook his head.

"No no no, there'll be none'a that," he sharply said. "Sorry for the outburst, but that's one of the most physically damaging methods of binding. Elastic bandage ain't designed for that, it's designed to pull tighter the more pressure acting against it. I've seen my fair share of resulting infections, bruises, and even cracked ribs from people doin' that and I can't do that in good conscience."

"O-Oh..." she relented, a bit shaken.

Daniel opened his arms and gave her a hug.

"'m sorry, just...I know from my field and experience that it's one of the worst methods," he said into her hair. "Didn't mean to scare ya."

"I-It's okay, I just didn't know," she said from under his snout.

"Well, now ya do, and I hope you keep that advice in mind," he said, letting her go. "Let's getch'y'all to bed."

We both took one of Saffron's hands and led her out of the room and out to the children's bedroom, the other two already putting their things away to turn in for the night. Each child was soon in bed and the nightly ritual was carried out with a hug and nuzzle from both of us, our departing with a flick of the light and click of a door as it closed.

"Sorry for how awkward that prob'ly was," Daniel said after we reached our room again.

"Hm?"

"The, uh, puberty thing," he reminded me after closing the door. "Given what you've gone through and when it occurred, you didn't go through it, yourself."

"...Oh, that," I scratched my cheek. "I'm s-sor--"

"Sam, please, that is not something you should ever apologize for," he said solemnly, pulling me up against his front. "I don't at all blame your ignorance, 'specially with when and how it affects a sex y'ain't part of."

"Sure, but...I went to school and was around others, yet I just...never noticed those things," I sighed, my ears fallen back. "I remember hearing mentions of things in passing, but it never caught my attention I guess."

"Well...there's a reason for that," he squeezed. "Those goin' through the changes notice the changes in others. The active hormones will affect both your body and your thoughts and feelings, so without those hormones it's not likely you'd experience those thoughts, feelings, and eventual physical urges."

"...It's all linked to...that?" I asked. "I knew about the...more physical impacts, but not those effects."

"Very likely," he answered. "Plus, like I said, it's not likely you'd know much about how puberty affects the opposite sex given y'ain't one. It's probably awkward and uncomfortable for both Saffron and Sura to come to us about these changes since we're both men. They ain't got other women to go to, so I ask ya try bein' as polite, kind, and understandin' as possible, okay?"

"I will try my best."

"Excellent," he said, grabbing his nightclothes from atop the dresser. "Riv will prob'ly start goin' through his own changes pretty soon, too, if he hasn't already. Remember what I told you way back when about emotions and problems in teens?"

"...I think so," I thought back.

"This is when you'll really need to keep that in mind," he said as he unbuttoned and removed his work shirt. "Puberty really does a number on ya, both to your body and to your head. It's difficult and unpleasant, but this will be when they really need ya. They won't know it, but you will, and as much as some of what they might say will hurt it's important to remember these things."

He replaced his work and undershirt with his nightshirt, following it up with a swap of his slacks for sleep pants.

"And, like I said," he started, planting a little kiss on my forehead, "I'll always be here. You won't be goin' through it alone."

I wasn't sure what to expect from the future, what things could be done or said to hurt me, but I felt much more reassured to have such a kind and understanding person at my side through all of it. I came closer up against his front for a much-needed embrace, my head against his chest as I took in his gentle warmth.

But as I closed my eyes in comfort I once again noticed the swaying, moving shadows from under the door.

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