'sincerity' by xomwbryy on DeviantArt (original) (raw)

i'm a little embarrassed that the quality is so bad here... but i like the picture :)
in general i should have drawn the hair (since it is also dark like on other one, though with a couple of gray locks) of long-haired dude, but my hands are already hurting... sorry :(

p.s now it’s looking too ugly for me to look at i don’t know what i will do with that pic

a little context to the pic (long-haired/Italian is Alcide; and with dreadlocks/German is Helmuth):
(tw/cw on text below: references to racism, sex, alcohol, drugs, war, death, and psychological trauma(?))

Helmuth was born an unwanted child, because he was conceived completely... accidentally, and abortion was impossible due to his mother's over-sensitivity to such things, and that she might not be able to tolerate such machinations in her body (or she might, but fatally). He was conceived during group sex (roughly MMWMM) when one of the men decided to give Helmut's mother, Katrin Lichtsteiner, a simple condomless creampie in some brothel on the side of Dresden. Helmuth's biological father, like all the other men of the day, was dark-skinned, though German by blood, so they had to live in brothels, and work there too, so as not to be noticed by others, and, in fact, so as not to be shot because of their skin against the wall, and to still get some money. The mother, on the other hand, was white, so Helmut should originally be a mulatto. Yeah, he is, but unfortunately he is biologically descended from his father, which makes his skin tone the same as his biological father's (he also has moles all over his body, even on his face)(i’m not sure that biology should be like that but yeah). Because of this, the mother wanted to give up the child so that she wouldn't be killed, but she was already disliked - a promiscuous cheater, after all - so she could be turned in at any moment. Then she started drinking after the baby was born. Her husband tolerated her, for a long time - until Helmuth was 6 years old, because then she started to take heavy drugs like amphetamine, and drink liters (I'm exaggerating, but still too much) of vodka every day - she was trying to forget from all the problems. And because of this her husband, Martin Lichtsteiner, could not stand it at the end and filed for divorce, after which the son stayed with his not biological father. After that, when he went to school he was persecuted by everyone who could not help it because of the skin, but Helmuth did not care about it, and he has learned on excellent and took a tight place on the study at a prestigious university in biochemistry, just managed to get into the last carriage.

And because of all of his mother's oppression and self-destruction, Helmuth had gotten the attitude that hurting himself because of someone else was the normal, and that both parties deserved it. All his life he lacked support, warmth from someone - even though Martin was kind to him and tried to raise him to be a good son, despite all the difficulties and the fact that the son - not his, but Helmuth was too little. He was always longing for some special, truly sincere warmth, but never felt it until his death. When his "curse" began, when his all beloved in romantical way people started to die, he decided to give up even trying to get his warmth, because "I deserve it, I'm literally killing people with my existence", burying himself even more. He felt like he was demanding too much from the person he loved, so he tried even harder to become colder.

And he did. He now doesn't feel anything at all besides negative emotions like anger and sadness. Helmuth is afraid to let people he cares about get close to him because he feels like he might actually kill them with his "curse". He is especially afraid to let them get close to him physically. Therefore, he distances himself as much as possible from the person he loves, even if it will be a blow to his reputation. It is more important to him to preserve a person's life than his own.

He always says to himself to any negativity in his direction that "I deserve it".

And on the other side was Alcide, who wasn't traumatized by life as much as Helmuth was. On the contrary, he was born as if with a golden spoon in his mouth - loving parents, recognition from society, the desire to work… He was as if perfect, as if a figure of marble without extra centimeters. Only the war proved to him that not everything is so rosy in life, and that life is synonymous with fear. All the more he even died painfully, that he didn't deserve it - in a gas chamber, choking on gas and at the same time kicking in convulsions, fighting for his life, because of spreading some secret information. He didn't even know who killed him - the Germans, the Red Army, or someone else? But it didn't matter to him. He was unpleasant not because he was tortured, but more because his usual ideal picture of the world had been shattered by the cruel reality.

He dreamed of being a teacher, for he wanted to give children a good education and maybe even their dreams. He wanted to give back, because he knew the measure of everything and felt that he was given too much of everything.

And looking at Helmuth beaten down by life in his mind all Alcide had in his mind was fear for his future. Just like Helmuth has fear for Alcide, but he doesn't even try to show it to even himself. He wants to help him. No matter how. Because of that, he starts giving little gifts, just talking to him more often, giving him some goodies, and if he's, Alcide, lucky, a hug too. Just a hug, which no one had ever done before. He wanted Helmuth to be happy just a little bit. Because of this, both the German and the Italian became more sincere with each other, only Alcide did it consciously, while Helmuth did not.

Alcide wanted to finally teach as he had dreamed.

To teach Helmuth how to love.

little details on pic with context:

When Helmuth takes off his glasses, he sees always the true version of himself - the same fragile child who just isn't meant to grow up because of the weight of consequences on his back. It's a show of sincerity for him, and a weakness for him, much like crying at his emotions.

Alcide very rarely shows his hands to anyone at all. Simply because he is ashamed to ruin the perfect picture that he, and his parents, and society, have built all these years. His hands were covered in chemical burns from the gas that killed him, as well as the usual burns from welding anything - he's taken up a hobby of engineering, so to speak, and he does it very often, as well as just blisters and stuff like that. He either doesn't feel anything with them, or he feels too much with them. For him to show his hands is a show of sincerity, and even devotion. Like showing his left eye - there's a huge wound there too. But not a simple one. There's just no eyeball there, or there's a vertical half of it. There's a lot of blisters and burns on his eye too, but not chemical. He just had his eye set on fire with a drop of gasoline - that's how the ones who captured Alcide back in the day were mocked him. Actually, it's shameful to do that to inexperienced blackshirts!

i've been planning to draw something like this for a long time, and here's one song from the band “Peremotka” (literally Rewind) that brought me to tears and made me do this drawing, because it reminded me of me as well as my characters. it was the song “The Girl I'll Meet”/“Vstrechnaya”, with its chorus that touched me.

“The first girl I'll meet, love me forever,

Love me forever, love me forever.

The first girl I'll meet, love me forever,

Love me forever, love...”

i'll remember those lines for a long time.

listen to this song, it's really good. or listen to other songs of this band. :)