eat.fuck.kill (original) (raw)

Dear Fair Citizens of Portland,

So I was *supposed* to be in a good mood on Tuesday. Barack Obama was getting sworn in, and Portland has always been my little sweet safe haven, sheltering me from the greater suck...and all is well here, right? Wrong.

Apparently, some of you want to crucify my mayor for getting laid, and not making it the center piece of his political campaign. I mean, I can't understand why a gay man (or any man or woman) would be reluctant to talk about his sex life with the media. What else would he talk about? Issues? Policies? His QUALIFICATIONS TO BE MAYOR? None of those are reasons to grab a torch and gather outside his home. What fun is that?

It's my understanding that the following are considered universal truths among the haters:

1.) Anyone under the age of 18 is a slobbering fool. Oh sorry, 18 and under, because "18 is just a hair away from 17." I mean, that hair makes it so you can join the military and vote, but fuck it - let's call it a "hair" in this instance. And as we all know, when you're 17 and so horny you're lubing up your couch cushions and fucking the creases, you should not be having sex because this is not legitimate experience. Your emotions aren't legit either. IT IS ALL FALSE! If you fucked yourself, you took advantage of yourself, and should probably go slap your reflection in the mirror. If you waited until you were 18, but didn't allow for a six-month abstinence grace period after the official birthday, go slap yourself for that, too. I'll wait.

2.) Sex = FREAK OUT! Police brutality? Huh. Mildly disturbing. A recently elected mayor with an outstanding political record admitting he had sex with a smoking hot 18 year old? RESIGN! RESIGN!

I know every shitty newspaper with a box on the street and a frightening yearly projections sheet is calling for his head. There's going to be a lot of layoffs at print media outlets this year, and if they don't go out squealing like pigs, how will they secure jobs at US Weekly? But here's a thought: since when does ANY mainstream outlet in Portland report actual news? These are the same people who endorsed a douchebag who bankrupted a corporation for treasurer, who said "Bush lied!" two years after everyone else did, whose biggest story in 2007 involved Facebook, and have agreed since the election began that Sam Adams was most qualified to be mayor. Is he less qualified now? Um...no.

Please consider that a certain segment of the populous knows your insecurities about sex and teenagers. This group might choose to take advantage of your potential to freak out from time to time. This may have happened before, say...when Bill Clinton got impeached? keep in mind that we're coming off of 8 years of utter suck, 8 years of an utterly deplorable man half-assedly running the country into the ground - who never got impeached. Wasn't fucking...wasn't helping the country either. Think about it. Bill Clinton is practically considered a saint by some, simply because he sucked so much less than Bush 2. if all they've got on Sam Adams is his confession to getting his fuck on, don't you think that's...I dunno...a waste of a good lynching?

But hey, let me be fair. There's other reasons the corporate media could be gunning for Sam other than boredom, like wanting to fire up the conservative Gresham-dwelling douchebag idiots with nothing better to do than troll second-rate media message boards. But let's be honest: they don't seem to know what a scandal is. You know what a scandal is? A (literally) cracked-out Washington DC mayor. Camden coming under state control because THREE mayors committed fraud. the Cleveland School Board - the entire board - being ejected from their offices for embezzlement. Now THAT is scandal. What Sam Adams did is called fucking.

I know some of you out there have never committed fucking before, and that's okay. It rains a lot here and it can be kinda cold, and sometimes taking off all those clothes is a bit of a drag. There's also diseases to worry about, and pregnancy...and sometimes you just go through picky periods where no one seems cute. That's fine. You don't have to fuck.

Here's a scary thought: even if you're not fucking, there are other people in the country fucking right now. Even as I type this, someone in Portland is getting it on. Some gay men are getting it on for sure. Some of them are even UNDER 18. Some of the straight folks are under 18, too. Or just BARELY LEGAL. And you know what? A majority of them are probably having a kick ass time. How uncomfortable are you feeling right now? Very uncomfortable? Good. Now sit in that feeling until you figure out what sort of prudish programming has been pounded in your head to make you respond to sexuality with such hostility. Marinate on it for a LONG time. I wish you good luck in working out your issues; sex issues in particular can be a lot of work. There's lots of therapists in Portland for just such purposes.

But in the mean time, stop calling for the head of my mayor because you're an uptight dipshit, mmkay? Thanks.

Love and Kisses,
1madgirl