Aruel Goes To War (original) (raw)

[	mood	|	peaceful	]

Warning: Long entry. Involves philosophical values etc.

A long time ago, I believed I had friends. Sometimes I wish I were so innocent again – but now I know that people can’t be your friend unless they have certain qualities. Things like a sense of honour and duty. Everyone else is just using you.

Once I had a shining star. I moved schools and had nobody. I knew no-one and no-one came and spoke to me. Except my one shining star. She and I shared secrets, fantasies, we would make up a whole new world where we could be different people. Even when we were separated for three years I still called her my ‘best friend’ without question, and without thought of those ‘friends’ which I had newly gained.

If I had believed in the Christian god, I would have called this person an ‘angel’ – So perfect she seemed to me. But angels in that sense, and perfection, aren’t real. Everything is flawed. In these flaws are the things that make all things ‘unique’ and ‘special’. My shining star meant everything to me.

However it became apparent that I didn’t mean nearly so much to her. She found other people she would rather spend her time with. People who would do anything to drive others away from my shining star. This one particular person managed to drive other ‘friends’ of mine out of the school. To ostracise them so much that they left the school... she refused to acknowledge the value of these people. They would not be used by her, and she attempted to destroy them. For the most part, succeeding.

This person turned her sights on me. My shining star and I had our first ‘falling out’ in the 8 years we had known one another. That person made it worse, and worse, then started spreading damaging lies and rumours about me. These things still affect me, surprisingly enough. Two years after these events someone I met over the internet recognised me by the name of a role-playing forum I used to run, and abused me, then blocked me.

My shining star had never spoken to me since, no-matter how hard I try to contact her.

That person did not succeed in driving me from the school, although I’m sure she likes to think so. I left because I moved interstate to escape an abusive parent. I sometimes wonder if I would have killed that person. I did, at one point, lose my temper with her and slam her up against a cupboard with my hands around her neck. I also refused to apologise. Someone so petty as she does not deserve life. If she can find so much fault with people that she has to alienate them and cause them public disgrace for no reason other than she thinks they’re ‘too stupid’ or ‘too indonesian’ or just because they’re too close to someone... then I feel she should die. The damage she could cause in a lifetime, the people she could irreversibly scar... it adds up to more than the possible sadness of people who would be upset by her passing.

The only thing this person taught me, truly, is that even someone who appears to be flawless can be made to cause harm. Even someone who seems to be essentially ‘good’ can do things which cause others pain.

My shining star will undoubtedly never forgive me for whatever that person told her I had done... and never speak with me again.

As for my other friends... I had a second shining star. She and I never really had a falling out to cause us to become distanced. We just grew apart. She also no longer speaks to me. The last time she sent me a message was to say that she wouldn’t answer the phone if I called, and that I could only contact her by email. I did. She didn’t reply. It’s been over a year since then.

After that I had nobody who is ‘best’ friend to me. Acquaintances surround me. One of them seems to think of me as her shining star. When she was drunk she sincerely told me she loved me, and would never let me go. Unfortunately I don't really like her - she's an idiot, and whilst I'll never hurt her, I'd rather avoid her than spend time with her. And even the best of friends grow apart. Even brotherly, or sisterly love, or the love of a parent and it’s child are lacking in their staying power. I had a mother, and I haven’t seen or spoken to it in years. I have a father, and a grandmother. I would like it if grandmother died. I would like it if father vanished. I would like it if terrorists kidnapped my mother and tortured her to death. I don’t care what happens to my brother and sister. They haven’t the time to call me, and my brother only wants to use me to make money off my art on his motorcycle helmets. The rest of my family distrusts me, dislikes me, ignores me and insults me. Of over 50 family-members who attended last Christmas’s Christmas party, only three provided me with gifts. One gift was an ironing-board. One was soap. The last was money.

I am ungrateful to my wealthy family for these gifts. Especially to my father who promised me a computer, his old computer, but he changed his mind and gave me a little bit of money instead, because he decided he needed two computers to keep pornography on.

Some people find it frightening that I could dislike people who are connected to me by biological similarity. I’d like to know if they expect me to love the %5 of the population with the same genetic blood disorder I have. They’re all related to me by blood, and have something to prove it. I’d like to know if they really understand what love is, what love and friendship mean, and that those things are idealistic things which people like to pretend exist because it makes their world that much more comfortable.

Don’t misunderstand, I don’t hate everyone. There are only three people I do hate. I also don’t feel indifferent to all people. I appreciate some people, and grow attached to them. I enjoy the company of some people, and there is one person for whom I would sacrifice all, including my life. However, it’s not friendship, nor love. It’s the feeling of familiarity, the feeling of security, and between myself and some people, a sense of duty. Those things which people mislabel as friendship and love, and then attach ideals to, and create fantastical notions of what’s really happening.

Perhaps this is all because I lack the belief in the ‘family unit’. The family unit is one of many things which causes mental and in some cases physical harm to young people. The family unit is The major cause of psychological problems. Stupid parents hurt the children without thought. Stupid parents train their children to become liars and thieves without even knowing it. Stupid parents create stupid children. Stupid children with false ideals who like to pretend that the world isn’t that bad, so they can be lazy and do nothing much to help, or pretend they’re helping so they can feel a sense of validation. Stupid children who become stupid adults and thus stupid parents in a society which lacks everything.

Love and friendship are false. Your god does not exist. Society is wrong. Parents cause criminal behaviour in children. You are wrong. Your ideals are wrong. Your morals are wrong. You are supporting corruption, discouraging honesty, and all but putting nuclear warheads in the hands of babies.