Pearlshine (original) (raw)

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So...I've been editing Pearlshine off and on and trying to make myself focus on other projects. And I'm bouncing between two. But...I really think I need to get Pearlshine out of my system before I can devote myself to something else.

So, editing. Again. Argh. I really need to develop a slightly better proofreading note system. The one I have...it's half my own, half those proofing marks they teach you in school (or at least I learned them). It works, mostly. But there are some times when I have no idea what I was telling myself when I drew that arrow or circled that...argh.

Back to work.

I'm in a slump.

I know part of it is the fact that churning out a 400+ page novel in three months really drains you, and college is starting soon and blah blah.

But I think a big part of it is the fact that I'm happy.

Yeah. I'm in a slump because I'm happy.

Thing is: When I wrote the rough draft of Pearlshine, I was in the grips of a pretty deep depression. Depression is something Mandy gets. So I could channel it through her.

I don't know how to channel such bone-deep joy. I don't draw in happy characters. For the past five years, I have drawn in those who had such heart wrenching stories to tell, stories that had only little spots of light.

So, now that there's light in me again, the darker characters are fleeing...but those in the light don't know that I exist.

Blahhhhh

Approval of consensual incest (i.e., between two of-age twins) DOES NOT mean approval of baby-rape.

I just had to say that. Because I approve of consensual incest.

But baby-rapers...sorry, I'm shaking so bad right now, I can't end that sentence.

Thinking about my conversation with my friend on evil...

I cannot deny that abuse is the root of abuse in a majority of cases. Evil breeds evil. But not all the time. I know many people who have been abused but are not abusers and never will be. Conversely, there are preadtors who were never prey. The chain had to start somewhere.

So, kind of coupled with my last post, another Vachss quote that...yeah.

"Just because you were once a victim does not give you a license to hunt [children]. It's an explanation, not a justification ... My attitude about that is pretty clear. I say I'm sorry for what happened to you when you were a child but now it is your time to die."

Random, kind of, but...I just keep...I've been reading more Andrew Vachss, and...I keep getting hit with flashes of all of the terrible things that have happened to Mandy and...I know to some people it's not real, that I write and it's gone. But it's not. It stays with me. Because what happened to Mandy happens to other little girls, and is not the worst. And that makes me so angry and so sad at the same time. This shouldn't be. There shouldn't be a double standard for male and female abuse survivors. Stalkers shouldn't be able to become murderers. Little babies, babies too tiny to sit up on their own, should not have demons in their eyes. Children should be able to be children.

I could say more, but...I'm in a good place in my life otherwise, and I don't want to drag myself into the dark. So I'm just going to close with a quote by Andrew Vachss that sums it up better than I ever could.

If I had a wish, if there was a god I could pray to, it would be: 'Let this all be fiction.'

Editing finished awhile ago, at least the initial notes. Meant to post, been busy.

Read this interview with Andrew Vachss.

This man is my hero in so many ways.

Meant to post earlier, but life got away from me. Editing started last week. A little over halfway done with initial notes now. Wee?

I was recently speaking to a friend. We had a discussion on sick and evil. He said there is no such thing as evil, just sick in need of help.

We cannot blame our upbringing for all of our actions, just as we cannot blame our DNA. We make our choices. Our blood, our past, they colour our perceptions, help us make these decisions.

But in the end, you are responsible for what you do. Not the parents who beat you, not society that turned a blind eye, not your genes. They play a part. But in the end, you rise above or you sink to their level. You make up your mind at some point to play one role or the other. No one makes you pick that role.

Prelude to my 'inspiration' story, I guess.

I don't know how many other writers have this problem, but given how many seem to have ADHD like me, I'm sure I'm not the only one.

How many time have I gone to wikipedia/google/whatever other search engine might be useful to look up something, and because I have dial-up, minimized to wait, and then gone back and forgotten what I was looking for? Like, just now.

Then I remembered. Yams. It has nothign to do with a story, sadly. But yams.

It can't be just me with this problem. Just can't be.

Since I'm here: check out the userifno. Couple Andrew Vachss books there now. Go read some Vachss, people. He'll depress the hell out of you,b ut you'll learn. I did. That, sadly, what I write is just the tippy top of the iceburg.

Next time I remember to post: a post I've been writing in my head, analyzing myself. Why I write what I do. Yeah. I'm gonna need more time to do that, and not on a school night. Nice long depressing story there. Some know it, some don't. Names and other identifying details will be changed, but otherwise...yeah. Go read some Vachss, then you'll just giggle at my story.

There are times when I fear I'm becoming jaded to the nature of the things I write. That the suffering of children and the atrocities committed by the scum of the earth no longer affects me.

I was reading Andrew Vachss Strega today. Those that have read it know what happened to Strega's little nephew. When I read the description of that horrible act...I flipped. I wanted to throw the book across the room. I wanted to gag and scream and cry.

And as weird as this sounds, I was glad. I was glad that I was still angry. Vachss says he writes what he does to make people angry, to make them see red and realize what is happening in this world. And it does.

I want to meet him so I can thank him for that.

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