[**mood** | depressed]...unfortunately recently I've only had myself to talk to.Inner Self(IS): What is wrong with you?Outter Self(OS): Life.IS: Life? How so?OS: I'm unhappy with my life.IS: Yeah, but....OS: Oh I know there are people out there with lives much worse than mine, who have more reasons to be unhappy with life and in comparassion my life should be great, but.IS: But?OS: I see no worth in my life, I do not see the point of my continued existence. There is no good reason for to live, I will not to good or great things, I exist, but there is no reason to it.IS: But what of your friends your family?OS: I care for my family, I really do. As to my friends, I have two close friends in this country. Beyond that I have people with whom I talk, online and offline, some I can call friend, others aquaintances. And then, and then there is her.IS: Her?OS: The love of my life. My best friend. My rock. When I was with her I was happy, for the third time in my life I was truely happy. The first was in the first years of my life till I was about 8, the next was in the years I knew Shane, the next was knowing Laurie. Between Shane's death and meeting Laurie I wasn't happy, not really happy, I put on a front, I hid who I was from everyone, and had I not meet Laurie and had she not seen me as I really was and told me to get help, I would surely be dead by now. IS: Was it that bad?OS It was, at times it still is, there have been times when I have gotten worse, but I have the promise to keep.IS: A promise?OS: Not a promise, the promise. I try to keep my promises, I have made a promise not to kill myself to some people, her included. But if the world truely gets too much I think I may not keep that promise. No the promise I will keep the promise I will live to fulfill is one I made to her, even before I considered us truely as a couple. And in the time since the mistakes were made that we were no longer together, the promise may have taken on new meanings and additions it is still the same promise.IS: Which is?OS: Simply? To take Laurie to dinner, I made the promise when we were just friends, so it matters not to the terms of the promise if she is single, with another or married by the time I fulfill it, so long as I do. I need to meet her before I can move on, find another. IS: Why is that?OS: I cannot put it words exactly why I need to meet her before I move on, but I do. I need to see some things for myself, things I can't put into words. But..IS: But?OS: I was told a year ago to fight for her, but I cannot, she of anyone should be happy. |
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blah] [music**
happy] [music**
bored] [music**
contemplative] [music**