Natterings of a Kneejerk Reactionary (original) (raw)

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full time employee at SFMOMA as of 09/05/2023
moved to SF at the end of feb., 2024
hrafnar imploding may 2024.

I think that's enough for now.l

I came here to say something and of course now I've forgotten what it was.

Welcome 2023...

I feel as if I'm really quite done, here, you know?
I'm fine, I'm safe -
but I feel like I've reached an ending here and now I'm just
spinning in circles trying to find a way out
like a bird trapped in the faculty dining room.

Other times...

I find myself thinking "WOW,
I wrote that really well,"
and I wonder if/when/how I could,
still,
somehow
make a viable living as a writer -
or a speechwriter,
or a public speaker:
over 60 years old and fat
with so many teeth missing
as I am.

Nobody'd want to hear me
see me
read me
listen to me
hire me

I'm no expert
on ANYthing
so why would anyone want to,
nor do I blame them for not wanting to.

It's a horrible bodyless limbo
waiting for lightning to strike.

Guess it's that's time.

Hi, LJ, I miss you. I'm really sorry that our community got bought out by a company in a country whose president is now acting like... well, you know the way they act when they think they can take over the world, or even smaller neighboring countries.

I'm graduating with my MFA from Mills College in 2-ish months. 7 weeks? My thesis is currently 66 pages long.
And Mills is struggling with being bought by Northeastern University in a deal that looks very shady indeed.

I find it both curious, and comforting, that Ukraine's flag and Mills' school colors are blue and gold.

LJ allowed deeper connections. FB is very much on the surface; and now going in to the 3rd year of the pandemic, I really miss LJ's deeper connections - while hiding from FB messenger conversations and even limited social interactions.

People are weird - myself included, trash goblin member of the Jortsetariat that I am. ;)

First of all, those three links I posted about a year ago - well, almost a year ago - none of them came through. I did get a bed frame and a cabinet and a sleeper couch, but not the ones pictured.
Now, in the summer between my first and second year of grad school, I'm going to make over Pama's old 4 drawer dresser that I've had since forever, w/ it's got 'em cause they were cheap gold and white knobs and globby white paint. Do you know, I finally realized that I COULD replace the hardware just a few weeks ago? I found some cute ceramic sun and moon cartoony style knobs butthey just didn't work; so I looked around for some sea glass ones and they worked nicely. Then, having done that, it came to me that in all the decades that I've had it, I've never once cleaned it or even considered that it could be done over. Thanks to seeing this in the sidebar of my YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDYVOOwwBSMDCKvcfbZBGDg I've got a bunch of ideas for it now and of course I can't decide which way to go. For the moment, I'm working w/ the idea of a pale metallic yellow over all, w/ pastel drawers (pink, lilac, pale green, and blue). I'll add an arabesque to the top drawer, medallions under the knobs on the second, then a pretty rose transfer on the bottom three drawers. The arabesque and the medallions will be gold leafed. I can't decide if I want to gold leaf the detail carvings as well, or just use gilding wax for those. I'm also going to do a texture stencil on each side in my favorite Spring green.

I've been collecting supplies like mad from Home Depot and Jolie and Amazon and Etsy and Dixie Belle, but the thought occurred to me recently: If I buy Dixie Belle products, aren't I supporting/promoting at least a negative stereotype if not a downright racist one, no matter how anti-racist the owner/s may be personally? Because "Dixie" isn't just The South, it's a specific mindset regarding The South, a way of thinking about it and remembering it. I guess as a Yankee I can't be expected to understand the nuances of that labyrinthine history. Still, it makes me uneasy so I'm hoping I can find another one stop vendor like them because dang, they've got everything a furniture DIYer could need.

I'm looking forward to getting started!

I've been accepted into Mills' MFA program: on the Poetry track.

It may kill me...
but oh, what a way to go.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I'll be getting a new/new-to-me car here pretty soon, but I'm feeling as if I don't want to transfer my SIRENEE license plate to it when I get it. I would like a new license plate; I'm just not certain what, yet.

But what about the old plates? I got them... kind of under the assumption that I'd follow up getting them w/ getting an initiation, and then I didn't - or at least, not exactly. I followed the letter, not the spirit of the agreement.

That's kind of cheating.

And now, moving forward, I feel that I've disconnected myself so thoroughly from those days that the old plates are starting to feel like a shoe that's too big, along with the car.

With Darrin's passing, lots of things suddenly don't quite fit any longer - if they ever really did - including the car, and its plates.

Many ritual things can be disposed of in running water or by being buried. Many get passed along to thrift and second hand stores; some go to landfill, although as little of that as possible the better.

But what happens to license plates?

"We separated a long time ago and it was probably for the best. You were protecting yourself and there's nothing wrong with that. Let your government take care of the plates, and know I wish you well."

Well.

There it is, then.

I'm getting down towards the bottom of the barrel again, financially. Apparently I still owe Mills about 2k for Undergrad, and if I go on to Grad school there's going to be payments for that as well. I still need to replace the spare tire on the Vanicat and at this point, it'd just make more sense to get a whole new set of tires and take the least worn of the current set for the new spare. The Vanicat herself needs brakes and a front headlight and at least an oil change plus new wiper blades. Mal needs a vet visit and knowing the way he messes his crate when he's put into it, the vet would have to come here which means I'd have to clean up - a lot. It's not gross, but it is neglected. I know the difference.
So I've got all this stuff that needs doing and just barely enough $ left to cover all of July's expenses and I've been stressing about how to make my 1500.00 monthly payment from my niece and her husband cover my 3500.00 monthly expenses when this last windfall runs out. I've been working the "Thing And Grow Rich" statement for not quite a week now: writing out the statement, saying it out loud first thing in the morning and last thing at night, and working on the treatment for my story, just as I say I will in the Statement. The first link is up at Linked In and at Mastadon. I'm working it and am simultaneously starting to get more and more anxious about what August is going to look like and if I'll be able to start Grad School. Like all day every day low grade anxiety again, like I was experiencing in January before Vala did the Go Fund Me for me. Trying to run out my grocery supply so I have less stuff to pack in my car, trying to decide what little things to take and what to leave behind, how to get Mal into his hated crate and how to arrange food water and litter box for him in the car since I'd be living out of it come August...

My brother just called. My niece and her husband want to sell the Caminito Corriente house, which means I'd get 200k from them when it sells. Could be 60 days, could be longer, could be shorter. The market's pretty hot out there right now.

I'm not going to depend on this thing happening and I am going to continue to work the Think And Grow Rich statement and writing as promised, but... I'm not completely up the creek. Like Sara Crewe said, "The Magic won't let the worst things happen". My anxiety has ramped down from 8 out of 10 to 7.

Thank you, Universe.

Write the stories you want to read, they say.

Except how do I take vague feelings and images and turn them into a story?

....

Make the time to write things down anyway. Words, phrases, thoughts. That's the first step.

Make the time to write things down, no matter how disconnected they are.

Make the time to write things down. Doesn't have to be on the computer.

Take the time.

To write things down.

during today's second viewing of Endgame, that there was a lovely callback in it to Civil War (?), and how I wanted to make note of it here because while it's not strictly a spoiler as I recall, it could be.

Of course now, almost 12 hours later, I can't remember what it was...

;)

(no, not the "taking all the stupid with you" comment. That's from CA:tFA.)

He was never mine. I just helped take care of him. - and kind of failed, even at that.

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