blown-out joy from heaven's mercied hole (original) (raw)

[	mood	|	thoughtful	]

--it pisses me the HELL off when people base peoples coolness off the dumbfuck obscure indie bands they listen to or how rad their ipod is because its got some old school jams that blatently everybody knows, or ohhh snap, they look soooo trendy and cool so obviously they must be!

can't anyone look past the outside and try to see the inside?

i cant say too much though, for i am definitely guilty of doing that in the past, and shit, even recently. but i prefer looking past the superficial and enjoying their company, their actual being, rather than the things they surround themselves with. like the certain someone who i said has the same sense of style as me therefore we are meant to be.. that of course was a joke, but not only do we have a similar style, its obvious to me that we have similar, very friendly personalities. which is really great to me. i hope we can be friends, i need a good pal who i feel is on the same level as me. i dont have that anymore. --

anyways. ITS 311! woo hoo. i looked at the clock yesterday at that exact same time. i have to work at 5 and i haven't even bothered to take a shower or anythang. my hair looks like paint. i have this thickass crazy hair but after about a day it gets insanely thin. hmm. strange.
the night before last chris came over and i had a real pleasant time with him. weve been seeing eachother on and off since october and only a few rare times did i actually feel comfortable around him and be able to joke around and laugh with him. i suppose you could say its been rocky lately, after him ditching out on me for lucy and then me ditching out on him for ***** and then going back to chris and then cutting it all off and getting buck with *** .. its just been weird and ive lost a lot of that emotional attatchment. because of myself, though. after all this nonsense that has gone on with me relationship-wise, i just dont want it! i am not capable of it. its not that im a slut or i whore myself out and about, its just that i really enjoy having a good social time and im really boy crazy so im always flirting it up and hitting on boys and la de da de da. but in all honestly chris is the only one ive really 'been' with this whole time. i dont want to hang out with him because i dont want to get emotionally attached again but fuckin a, that keeps happening. and then i find out hes off jokingly pursuing girls that wouldnt give him the time of day and i get all jealous, but then i step back and think.. duuhh im doing the same thing!! god this situation with chris im in is so silly. i dont even know if you can call it a situation.. more like two people who cant be in the same room because the sexual tension is so high.
anywho, long story short.. chris wore my tiny shorts and looked like ultimate kook. man i lovehate that guy! before i began the festives of last night i drove through the worst rain ever to see him. thank GOD i just got new windshield wipers or else i woulda been doomed. but thats dedication right there. i coulda died. damn. anyways we snuggled on a couch with a dolphin blanket while we laughed about how the flea powder that youre only supposed to keep on your carpet for 30 minutes has been there for two weeks. and not only that but it was in crazy random piles all over the living room floor. plus a gatorade cup full of flies ha ha ha.
i went to parents house where i was supposed to eat chicken but i didnt want any because i ate a little bit of a pill and drank mad amounts of tea and lost my appetite so instead i smoked out with pops and rode to katies where we pretty much did the same thing, drank some beers and bought some fine beers and went to michelles for a little bit where i had a grand ole time and we decided to go to justins but not much was goin on there.
went to the nog where new justin provided me with the fine blue moons i needed.. hung out there for a while, wedged in between random people and talked and had a grand old time!! i wasnt fucked up or anythaaaang but i cant remember what all happened right now. but it was fun and we wound up at some crazy spot on beach street with ganja dave smoking ganja around a fire. i was xannie zoning at that point but the fire felt real nice on my face. i remember getting into deep thought about something.. i cant remember but it filled up most of my time there becuase it was real deep and i was real interested in that than anything else. leave it to me to be in a social enviroment stoned and just have fun with me myself and my little brain. this kid told me some sort of life story for what seemed like an eternity and i definitely dont remember any of it ha ha haha i think by the end of it i was blatently not listening and i just got up and did something else. how rude of me! oh well.. ooooh well.. we waited til it got a wee bit bright out.. considering it was 5 am! katie and i rode out but i had the deadly munchies.. you know.. the kind when youve been drinking, smoking and taking pills all night? YEAH. THE WORST. i definitely did my rare out of control mcdonalds breakfast crushing. man i was on a good role not eating too much fast food but i definitely ate chick fil a earlier yesterday. HA ha ha oh well. im still a good size. im not stick thin but i sure aint a fatty. anywho, i came home and passed the fucking HELL out with my phone on silent like a champ. i got a really weird text message from my manager asking me if i was in school.. hmm..

by the way, i dont believe in paragraphs right now.
last night, instead of being smart and using my PHONE for number exchanges, i wrote that shit all over my arm, like 80% of my arm is a phone number, which smeared all over my new offwhite yellowstone park shirt. hahahah that reminds me, i colored and wrote all over some guys back last night.. and then to top it off i drew a butterfly on his neck. and he had to work in like two hours.. hootie hoo! i had a really fun time last night actually, i was in the zone though. i think im a little irked because i was on this awesome roll of not giving a fuck about actually liking guys and i felt soo good for not being all into chris again but that fucker got me again. hopefully this is just a quick phase. but whatever, when it comes down to it, im the one in this pseudo relationship whos doing all sorts of wrong. hahahaa. i dont even know what im talking about.

welly welly well.. i work real soon and i picked up another early morning shift. "for the hours" NOT REALLY. i just wanna see... ohhhh im not going to say. but seriously.it sucks so bad when you see someone you think youre really compatible with but everytime you see them you get all retarded and cant even speak and then just act a fool. maybe he thinks im cute? all these other kooks do. why is it that all the ones i want dont want me? im not diggin that.

it was daves 21st yesterday and i thought we were gonna party down but i guess he fell asleep. ha ha. oh well. i also love when you text and call people and they claim they are going to call you back but text the person youre with instead. cool, real cool.

also, tyler gets into town this sunday. what the HELL. i haven't seen him in almost a year.. im really excited to see him because no matter what, i still care for him and i still consider him one of my best friends. he is truly the only person who knows me inside and out, seen me at my worst, craziest, and best times. its nice to know that after all the ups and downs and rough times weve been through over the past FOUR years we can still look forward to seeing eachother. he lives in south america now. damn.. its just so crazy to me. im so happy for him. most people hate their ex boyfriends and bash on them.. but mine.. shit!! ill brag about him all day! i can honestly, truly say from the very best of my heart that hes one of the greatest people ive ever met and i have more respect for him than i could ever express. hes living up his dreams.. all my favorites are living their dreams out..
me on the other hand... im stuck for a while. my time will come. i know.

well theres a novel of love nonsense for ya. i have to keep it low key tonight. so adios!