I Live in Peachy World (original) (raw)

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

| | | | | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | | 2008.12.24 23.44 Shannon, end of storyI believe I have experienced the conclusion to what is my frustration at the Shannon-thing... on-going for almost 3 years now.This morning, when I talked to my mom about what we were doing tonight for christmas eve, she casually mentioned that Shan and Bryce were going to be there, with their two dogs. Like it was no big deal. Well, to me, it was a VERY big deal. i was fucking nervous all day. What would it be like? Would she be a big bitch? would we make up? What would happen?Well, my friends, nothing happened. absolutely nothing. I might have well been sitting next to Heath's family for all the personality that was exchanged. It was cordial enough. But awkward and uncomfortable. It felt almost as if we had just met. As if we knew nothing about each other, and had no past whatsoever. And I hate it, because it was mostly MY family. But Shan and Bryce obviously didn't have a problem, it was as if there wouldn't even have been a problem to have. As if nothing had ever happened.As Heath and I left, he turned to me and said "She's still not going to talk to you." I hadn't thought about it all night, but at that moment I realized that he was right. The way they had acted towards me had shown one thing plain and clear: I did not matter. That there was nothing to be nervous about on their part, because they simply did not think about me. The fact that I was missing in her life meant nothing.I think the most upsetting part of this, is that not only does she obviously not care about not talking to me, but that I was so inconsequential in her life. That not only was I replaceable, but I didn't even mean enough for a replacement to be needed. I was utterly SUPERFLOUOUS. and that is a fucking sucky feeling. I hate this.And I think I'm going to hurt from this, forever. Because I cared. She may not have, but I cared. And I don't even know how to have this kind of relationship with her, much less anyone else. Its like LC said in the finale of the Hills, "Because we were so close, I know how to be her best friend, and I know how to hate her. But I don't really know how to be anything in between."... How true that statement is for me. It's how I am with all of my relationships, most notably for this one.It's going to be hard.Mood: crushed | | | | | | (1 hold me gently | breaks easily) |