Musings and Ramblings (original) (raw)
You can't understand unless you've spent a whole day (sometimes multiple days or weeks or even months) fighting with the voice in your head that keeps saying, "I want to die." Because the truth is that I don't really want to die; I want to escape. It's really a fight-or-flight thing. You feel trapped, and sometimes it's so much easier to flee than to fight. Obviously, I don't know exactly how other people experience depression (or why), but I suspect that feeling trapped in some way plays a big part for lots of us. I see no way out of this thing that is making me feel this way, so that fight-or-flight instinct kicks in and tells me that I should flee. I know that fleeing is not really what I want, but it takes so much energy to fight. That's why depressed people are so exhausted all the time, even if they don't appear to have done anything to make them tired. I've been fighting back against that voice all day. It says, "I want to die," and I keep stopping and saying, "No, that's not what you really want. You want to escape. They're not the same thing." So I'm constantly having that conversation throughout the day, along with that "danger" feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's exhausting, and it does make it hard to get things done. I have to conserve what energy I do have on those days to be a parent and hope it's enough. Do you understand?
Also, brain fog is a real thing with depression. I think I will look back at this paragraph and wish it was more coherent.
Day 30: A song you'd like played at your funeral
I love this song, and this version of it is so simple and beautiful. And, you know, Alison Krauss and all. I would like to strive toward more simplicity in my life. Also, I made a funeral program for myself during my Church at Worship class in seminary. Having just looked it up, I think it needs some revision. My ideas about life, the universe, and everything have changed some since I was a first year seminary student. Anyway, enjoy "Simple Gifts," by Alison Krauss and YoYo Ma.
Day 29: One song that gives you the creeps
This song about a stalker:
"Every Breath You Take," by The Police
Never have liked it, doubt I ever will. Though the tune is pretty catchy.
Day 28: One song that needs to never be played again
Honestly, I'm pretty chill about most songs because I can generally understand that they appeal to certain groups of people and have their place in the world. But there have definitely been times that I would have liked to remove Little Baby Bum from the song world's existence. And since we're here saying this song should never be played again, it makes no sense to share one. ;)
Day 27: One song in your playlist you're pretty sure no one else (on your friends list*) has
This song is a happy and fun song by a band based out of Melbourne, Australia. (They have since disbanded, I believe.) I love to listen to this song when I want to just sort of dance around and let the joy of a fun song take over. And actually, since several of my LJ friends are actually from Australia, this probably will be untrue on here. Not like anyone actually reads it anymore, but whatevs.
"Let’s Replace the Cityscapes," by The Triangles
*I added the proviso "on your friends list" because I'm sure there's someone somewhere in the world who has this song on their playlist.
Day 26: Your favorite music video
Honestly, I haven't watched tons of music videos, but I like this one because of its social/political commentary. There's so much complexity in this video, and I think it behooves us to consider what Childish Gambino (aka Donald Glover) is trying to tell us here.
"This Is America," by Childish Gambino
Day 25: Your favorite song from 2021
I recently posted this song because it was hitting me that day. But this is my favorite song from 2021, so it fits this prompt. Happy Thanksgiving to all the Statesiders celebrating, and don't forget to share with your family (especially your kiddos) the things you have learned so far, both personally as a society (i.e. we've learned that we have failed so far in teaching Native American history - let's rectify that).
"All I Know So Far," by P!nk
Day 24: Your favorite cover song.
Some of you may remember when this cover (of a song originally by Cat Stevens) was done for a...diamond commercial? I think? Anyway, that was done by a musician called Cat Power, and as far as I could find, she never released it for general consumption. However, this singer, Liliana Rose, made a complete cover of it AND released it, so I downloaded it several years ago.
Enjoy "How Can I Tell You," by Liliana Rose
Day 23: Your favorite duet
Several years ago, I discovered Schuyler Fisk and downloaded a few of her albums. I found this single, and I loved it. So here's "Paperweight," by Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk.
Day 22: Your favorite song from a movie.
Honestly, Pete's Dragon is still at least in the top 5 of my favorite movies of all time, if not still number 1. I've been singing this song to Sarah since she was a baby at bedtime, and she sometimes sings along with me now. I absolutely love it.
"Candle on the Water," sung by Helen Reddy in the 1970s version of Pete’s Dragon