Ham on Wry: Cold cash or cream cheese captures crafty columnist (original) (raw)

One of the unforeseen advantages of penning this column is receiving the many invitations to speak at any number of gatherings.

Such engagements can prove to be rather lucrative.

According to the Internet, former President Bill Clinton gets 200,000foratalk,businessstrategistTonyRobbinscharges200,000 for a talk, business strategist Tony Robbins charges 200,000foratalk,businessstrategistTonyRobbinscharges300,000, former President Barack Obama’s fee is 400,000,andifyouwantanaddressfromOprahWinfrey,bepreparedtoshellout400,000, and if you want an address from Oprah Winfrey, be prepared to shell out 400,000,andifyouwantanaddressfromOprahWinfrey,bepreparedtoshellout600,000.

Of course my typical rate doesn’t compare to any of those, however, I was telling folks at a recent dinner party that my fee is $5,000.

“Ask him what he actually receives,” my wife interjected.

“I believe what my wife is trying to clarify,” I explain, “is that my fee is negotiable. I ask $5,000, but will often settle for somewhat less.”

“By somewhat less,” my wife clarifies, “he means chicken.”

That, of course, is speculation. Sometimes they offer steak.

Even prime rib.

It depends on the organization. I try to be discriminating, so I’ll inquire about what they’re serving before accepting just any invitation.

Often, they’re unfamiliar with the menu, so they have to get back to me.

If it turns out they’re only providing hors d’oeuvres, or perhaps no food at all, I’ll have to decline.

If my compensation is going to be dinner, I prefer venues where at least there’s a buffet with choices such as butterfly shrimp, baked ham, maybe roast beef, filet mignon, even lobster.

Add enticing desserts like cannoli, tiramisu, a delicious cake or perhaps a selection of fine pastries.

So no, I don’t talk for free.

That’s why, at my lectures, I not only bring along my knowledge and expertise, but a doggie bag.

Typically, my audience members represent a group with unique concerns or particular pursuits, so it’s important that my address be tailored to their interests.

That’s why I tend to talk about my prostate issues.

I find it’s a subject that seems to have universal appeal, yet you’ll never hear Oprah address the subject, regardless of how much money she commands.

The other concern is my bio.

I’m asked to supply such an account so that it can be read in the course of my introduction.

Unfortunately, I don’t possess the credentials of some of those pricey speakers, but then they’re not paying me $600,000.

I’ve discovered, however, no one bothers to actually authenticate what I list in such a profile.

They simply read whatever I provide.

As a result, my bio includes a number of prominent literary awards and includes impressive degrees from prestigious universities, both here and abroad.

It took my brother, the philosophy professor, about six years and more than $150,000 to obtain his doctorate, whereas my honors cost nothing, were achieved overnight, and include cheesecake.

My wife decries my claims, calling them deceptions, but I explain it’s payback for the paltry honorarium they often present.

“Thank you for your enlightening talk, Dr. Erdos,” a gentleman from my audience recently declared.

That’s right, he called me “doctor.”

Perhaps it wasn’t the windfall other speakers might receive, but compensation enough.

Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. Contact him at irverdos@aol.com.