Ham on Wry: Wife has eyes set on Paris, not rotisserie chickens (original) (raw)

My wife is bemoaning the fact that we don’t get out enough.

But I don’t get her complaint. Why would we need to leave the house when we have an Amazon account?

“It’s not about merchandise,” my wife says. “I’m talking about going somewhere, taking a drive to the beach, seeing a movie, maybe enjoying a nice meal somewhere. Do you remember when you took me to dinner at that great restaurant overlooking the ocean?”

I reminded her that it was our anniversary and that the dinner cost $200.

“That’s the equivalent of 40 Costco chickens,” I say. “A succulent rotisserie chicken from Costco,” I point out, “provides us with three meals apiece. It translates to a choice between a single dinner at that restaurant or 240 meals at home.”

“What if we prepared chicken sandwiches and had them at the beach?” she suggests.

I explained that I have only two issues with the beach. One is the sand, and the other is the sea. Otherwise, the beach is great.

The only time I actually did find our time there to be notable was years ago when a dead whale washed up on shore. If it wasn’t for the flies, I could have stayed longer.

“What about going to a Padres game?” she questions.

The sun sets as the San Diego Padres play the San Francisco Giants at Petco Park on Sept. 6. (K.C. Alfred / The San Diego Union-Tribune)

“The games are on TV,” I reply. “It costs nothing to watch and the coverage includes entertaining announcers, replays, slow motion, plus I can pause the game to use the bathroom. Conversely, tickets to the game cost a fortune, add the cost of parking, money for gas, there’s the extreme heat, no air conditioning, 40,000 people, long lines at the restrooms, and over an hour of driving. That compared to relaxing in a recliner and watching the game on the big screen, with air conditioning, and a chicken sandwich.”

“Then what if we took a trip?” she asks. “When’s the last time we actually went on a nice vacation?”

She reminded me that her friend was enjoying a lovely holiday in Paris.“What if you took me there?” she queried.

“It’s too hot in Vegas,” I replied.

But she said she was talking about the Paris in France.

That’s my bride. She leaps from the kitchen to the coast, and from the Padres to Paris.

John Locher, file/ The Associated Press

The Paris Las Vegas hotel and casino. (John Locher / The Associated Press file)

So I explain that the round-trip fare to Paris would cost 3,000versus3,000 versus 3,000versus300 if we went to Vegas where they speak English, have all-you-can-eat buffets, the ballgame is on TV, and we can still visit the Eiffel Tower.

Surprisingly, she said she’d be OK with that.

So I agreed to take her there once it cools down since the temperature in Vegas has been registering in triple digits.

In the meantime, we’re stuck at home trying our best to carry on with just a rotisserie chicken, cold drinks, air conditioning, a power recliner, and the Padres.

Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. Contact him at irverdos@aol.com.

Originally Published: September 12, 2024 at 4:17 PM PST