S&M: Passion for anal sex (original) (raw)

'In my last relationship I developed a passion for anal sex. I enjoy sex with my new boyfriend, but he shows no signs of "going there". How do I broach this romantically?'

Sebastian Horsley

First, my dear, I wish to make clear that I am an expert on anal sex by virtue of my inexperience. While I have buggered women and been buggered by them; been buggered by men and buggered them - I haven't really experimented.

The anus is quite a delicate subject for both sexes. We all spend our lives denying we have one. Women use the lavatory? For the Byrons among us, this discovery is a fate worse than death. The ultimate horror is that the ethereal, the beautiful and the divine are inextricably linked to basic animal functions. In one of Mr Swift's poems, a young man explains the grotesque contradiction that is tearing him apart:

'Nor wonder how I lost my wits;

Oh! Caelia, Caelia, Caelia shits!'

It is too much. Nature mocks us, and poets live in torture.

That love has pitched his mansion in the place of excrement is not our fault. As you know, human beings respond to almost any erotic stimulus. It was only while people still felt that God was watching them that they directed their impulses exclusively towards certain parts of certain people. In everybody the anus is at least as capable of sexual excitement as the lips.

It is time for you to educate your man. Here's what to do. Arrange a dinner at a restaurant riddled with standards of living. Wear a black dress and paint your lips vermilion. After a few glasses of wine tell him you have a surprise for him. Then get this magazine out. There. Now start reading this column to him. Are you doing that? Good. Give him a wink. Blow him a kiss.

See. Wasn't that easy? Is he smiling or has he legged it? I see him laughing. You are home and dry. To take your man seriously, make him laugh. Have fun both of you.

Marion McBride

He shows no signs of 'going there'? And what, pray, would those signs be? Would he arrive with a detailed travel plan and a torch? Have you considered that it would be insensitive and brutally crass for him to even consider taking this, or indeed, any other route without your consent and enthusiasm? It's all very well assuming that sex should grow and evolve as a natural expression of your mutual passion, but this is not the sort of thing that 'just' happens and in which you can indulge without the other's explicit agreement. Some find it pleasurable and for a lot of couples it's 'so' no longer considered to be the final frontier, but tread carefully - not to mention safely. Use protection - it is a high-risk activity. Of course, he may not fancy it - some sweet souls still think it's a denial of our femininity. But I don't understand how you think the poor bloke is going to know that it's safe to broach the, for some, still taboo subject without offending you. You can't simply rely on telepathy to nudge him in the right direction.

I can understand why you might have trouble bringing up the subject romantically. I admit it's not exactly a Celine Dion, scented-candle moment, but it depends how you handle it. In the time you've been together, don't tell me you haven't had post-, pre- or coitus-interruptus conversations about your fantasies: things you like, things you have always wanted to do, kinks you don't want ironed out? And if not, why not? It is, as you say, a passion. It can be whispered, breathed, even initiated by you. Have you approached this area yourself? Did he respond or recoil? Take your cue from his reaction. If you're still worried about romance, you might refrain from mentioning that you enjoyed this with the ex. Those old boyfriend bedtime stories don't usually have happy endings.

· If you have a question for Sebastian and Marion, email sex@observer.co.uk