Lucy Mangan on Gossip Girl (original) (raw)

Forget everything you ever knew about gender-appropriate appellations and rejoice in the pioneering American spirit taken out of the 19th-century prairie farming and applied to modern Upper East Side nomenclature in Gossip Girl (ITV2).

Serena van der Woodsen is the coolest, shiniest girl in school. She has a neglectful mother and a suicidal brother, but lovely hair. She is played by Blake Lively, who clearly should be a young male porn star but is not. SvdW has just returned from a year at boarding school. She took refuge there after partaking of intimate relations with ...

Nate Archibald. Played by something called Chace Crawford. But their bar-top congress was, like, way bad because Nate is the boyfriend of Serena's best friend ...

Blair Waldorf. Sounds like a pouting salad but is in fact a pouting brunette (played - oh yes! - by one Leighton Meester) who has usurped Serena as her clique's queen bee and is loathe to relinquish power. And if that means forgiving Nate for porking Ms van der W, then so be it. Which rather ruins the blackmail plans laid by ....

Chuck Bass. A man as unappealing as his name. A snake-eyed Machiavelli, he tries to seduce innocent Jenny Humphrey until she summons her brother Dan with a text message 2 resQ her. The Humphreys' father is a single parent and musician, so he could only afford to give them simple names. They will have to comfort themselves with the knowledge that they are played by people called Taylor Momsen and Penn Badgley, although I have no idea which does which. I will consult with people younger and richer than myself and get back to you.

The gang's shenanigans are dutifully recorded by a blogger and omniscient narrator known, mercifully, only as Gossip Girl, whose postings are sent to every BlackBerry in Trustfund High as they happen. I think I have about three months before I am too old for this show. But until then, it's going to be fun.