How the BBC hammered the final nail into snooker's coffin (original) (raw)

Snooker's long, inexorable descent from its 1980s pinnacle has been well documented. Nobody cries hysterically when they win the world title any more. Competitors no longer drink or smoke tableside, nor urinate in the foyer. Players have stopped brawling in bars, accusing rivals of being hooked on jazz chalk, and no longer threaten their fellow countrymen with sectarian murder. And I can't remember the last time a serious punch was thrown in anger during a post-match press conference.

OK, so what I'm really saying here is Alex Higgins isn't on the scene any more, and that's kind of a shame. But the point still stands.

This year, the nadir. But the final nail in snooker's coffin hasn't been hammered home by Graeme Dott, Shaun Murphy or any of the other 28 faceless bureaucrats shuffling round the Crucible (a special exemption for The Rocket, of course, and also Stephen Hendry, whose long-standing air of insouciance has finally been superceded by that of a man who no longer cares one jot, and is therefore in a constant state of high amusement).

No, snooker has finally been killed off by the BBC. Have you heard what they've done to the theme tune? They've been tweaking it for a while with breakbeats, but this year they've gone way too far, taking out most of the notes, adding some Sky Sportsesque swooshes and - for some inexplicable reason - turning the volume up and down all the time. They've jiggered it completely! You could knock out a better version yourself on an out-of-tune ukulele, after putting your hands in a roaring fire for 30 minutes in the hope it'd make you play like Django Reinhardt.

See, the original 1976 theme - 'Drag Racer' by the Doug Wood Band - boasted the most evocative guitar riff of all time. Jimi Hendrix's Voodoo Chile? Kiss by Prince? Led Zep's Whole Lotta Love? Sex and drugs and rock'n'roll is all well and good, but when the credits used to scroll after a particularly tense scrap between Neal Foulds and Mike Hallett, and Doug started throwing shapes ... now that sent a shiver down the spine. David Vine's Gonna Sexx Ya Up!

But the snooker isn't the only classic theme the BBC have ruined beyond reason in the last decade or so. Barry Stoller's Match of the Day theme is now a stop-start whoosh-laden mess - it used to have a mother of a middle eight featuring a euphoniumsolo and some jaunty xylophone trills - while the old darts music, a moody synth prog workout which stank of spilt beer, fags and manic depression, has been replaced altogether with ... I don't know what it was replaced with. I certainly can't remember it.

The golf theme - the only music which makes me feel happy to be alive after getting up at 6.50 in the morning - has been given the Match of the Day bullshit treatment, as has the introductory theme to Wimbledon. The BBC did at least afford tennis's old-school classic outro - Sporting Occasion by Arnold Steck - some respect by leaving well alone, though quite frankly that's the least they could do. And it more than likely won't be too long before some clown wielding a vocoder sticks his neb where Arnold Steck wouldn't have wanted him to. The prospect is enough to make a gentleman blow his top hat.

Now I do realise all this has a bit of a Maconie-lite space-hoppers-Caramac-and-Spangles whiff about it. But on the other hand, if the theme to Sports Report is (quite rightly) sacrosanct and thus free of breakbeats, then I don't see why the BBC should mess around with the sodding snooker. Accordingly, I rang the BBC to ask them what the hell they're playing at. "This year we introduced new opening titles so we updated the theme music to fit in with the new look." So? Will you change it back? "No."

Witless brand managers or evil cultural terrorists? You decide!